This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

https://me.me/i/lonely-is-not-being-alone-its-the-feeling-that-no-20985898

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.

Reassurance

Alex has continued to try to reassure me that we will figure this out for OUR family. He even looked into whether or not we could get married while in Alaska later this month. I am trying to look at everything positively. I am doing better since Monday, but I still have my moments of negativity.

It doesn’t help that CPS has put no definite “if you [A], then the girls can go back to the 50/50 schedule.” Alex told GM that he wants the three of us to sit down and figure out what needs to happen for GM to feel comfortable with them coming home. He also suggested that maybe we include the social worker in on the conversation. I told him that he needs to call the social worker, he left her a message yesterday.

I did the orientation and signed #2 up for the Boys and Girls club. The community organization that I called finally got back to me yesterday and scheduled an assessment for #2. We decided that since #3 and #4 are not showing any distress over the situation and seem to be fine around #2, we are not going to get them into services because we do not want to stir anything up.

I have not called the group home yet. I am just not certain about that one.

Birthdays start next week. I cannot believe my “baby” will be 6.

I love Alex. I love our family. I just feel like I have failed them.

I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

Am I crazy??

I went into my counselor this morning. I talked to her more about Hubby and the marriage counselor. I also told her more about Alex. Her advice was to be careful because I am vulnerable; it is obvious that I have already made a decision about my marriage; and that no matter who I end up with after my divorce, we need to seek premarital counseling. I wonder if she has put the pieces together about me and Alex, or if she would be surprised if we showed up together.

Hubby is back to glossing over everything like life is fine. That is okay with me, it makes for less fighting. I am still scared about fighting over the kids. I do not want to lose them. I cannot lose my kids again, it would kill me. I went to the dentist on Monday and even after my insurance, I need about $350 worth of work. The most important part will cost me about $200. Grandma told me that she will cover that, I just need to make the appointment.

I am afraid of my feelings for Alex. I know I have said it before, but I do not want any of you to think that I am taking this lightly. I do consider all the things that need to happen before we can ever have a real relationship. For starters, two divorces. Next, counseling for all six kids and the two of us. My kids and I need to find somewhere to live because I am sure that I will not be able to keep the house. I will start back to work on January 2. I am very excited about that.

Graduation is in May. My dad and step mom are coming up for it and it will be nice to see them. I am nervous about them meeting Alex. I am curious about how my dad will react, but I know that if I am happy, he will be happy for me. My step mom has already heard plenty about Alex. She just reminds me that I need to be careful. I am trying to be, but it is hard. I like who I am when I am with Alex. I am happy and relaxed. I feel important. I feel like he cares about me for me. I just hope I am not wrong. I do not think I could handle having my heart broken so soon.

Lost Cause

Apparently, the marriage counselor thinks I am a lost cause. She does not want to see me again until she can be convinced that I think my marriage will work out. She does not think I am trying. Well, okay. She did call Hubby out on being emotionally and verbally abusive. She also told him that if he does not back off and give me some space, he will lose me forever.

Hubby told her about the divorce papers. “I needed to know about that,” says the marriage counselor. Well, if I have not told Hubby, why would I tell her?? Especially with him sitting right there. She told me that I need to put up emotional barriers and quit letting hubby treat me that way.

The one good thing that came out of this session was that I got about an hour out of the house today. By myself, well sorta. I went to the school to print out my research and Alex met me for a few minutes.

Tonight, via text, Alex told me that even if we both end up single, he is afraid to explore where this could go because he is afraid to lose our friendship. Maybe we should have discussed that a little sooner. I do have feelings for him. I do not know if it is because he cares, because I am lost, or…? All I know is that when I close my eyes, I see his face. When I am upset, I want him to comfort me. When am in a good mood, I want to share it with him. When I spend time with him, even a few stressed minutes, I can keep a smile on my face for quite a while. When I know he is stressed, I want to rub his shoulders, cuddle him and make him relax. He is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning and usually the last thing I think of at night. I am afraid to get too close because I do not want either of us to get hurt, but at the same time, it is nice to have someone I can talk to. It is nice to be told that I’m missed, thought of, and someone is smiling just because they saw my face an hour ago.

Took #1, #2, and #3 to the doctor today. #1 had some warts frozen. #2 had a sore throat that looked fine. #3 still isn’t sleeping. She suggested melatonin and a later be time.

Tomorrow, we get to go to the inlaws. My grandma will also be joining us. We have the turkey so we have to be there by 815 in the morning…and stay all day. I am taking my homework. My grandma won’t be there until later, I’ll work on homework for a bit.

I hope your Thanksgiving is wonderful and you remember to be thankful for the wonderful things in your life. I know that sometimes it is hard to find something, but everyone has at least one thing to be thankful for.

Hostage in my own home

I do not know how much longer I can put up with all of this. Hubby will not let me out of his sight. I told him yesterday that I needed to go to the school to print about 80 pages of research and do other homework, but he gave me excuses of why I could not. I really do not know what to do anymore.

I think that I need to call around to some attorneys to find out who I can afford and what my options are. I was looking at a few tonight with Hubby looking right at the computer. I do not think he believes I am serious.

We are going to meet with the marriage counselor again tomorrow. I am not impressed with her and the more I have thought about it, I know why. There were two things that she said that really upset me. First, she is against divorce because it always messes up the children and that is why she does marriage counseling. It is not the divorce that messes up the children, it is the adversarial nature of the divorce. If parents can divorce calmly and collaborate on the outcome, the kids will be okay. Second, she said that “any man who walks through that door is a keeper.” She was referring to the fact that he was there. Maybe she should have considered the fact that he made the appointment.

I am trying to play nice through the holidays so that we can get through them, but if he does not stop treating me like a child… I am a grown adult and I have the right to leave the house. He told me that if I left, he would not be here when I got back. Oh, and he would not give me the keys to the truck so I would have had to get a ride. That part would have been easy.

He threatened to call his mom to call an attorney and I told him to go ahead because I am done. I cannot deal with it anymore. I am not property to be controlled.

My feelings for Alex are getting stronger. I know that I need to be careful because we are both in vulnerable places right now, but it feels nice to be cared about. It is nice to have someone that wants to see me smile. If it ever happens that we are single at the same time, I would love to explore the possibilities there. Until then, he is one of my best friends.

If I ever get serious with someone again, there will be premarital counseling. He will have to love my kids as if they are his own. I want a small wedding on the beach, just us, the kids, and a few select people. Or, I want the big wedding that I never got. He has to have a job, a stable job. He needs to have friends so that we can both have time away from eachother. I want romance. I want someone who never stops “dating” me. Flowers, date night, love letters, gentlemanly gestures… I want to be happy. I want to know that I do not have to take the Wellbutrin forever, which is how I feel right now. I know that I may need to take it again, but I want to have a life that I don’t need it all the time.

I have been on the Wellbutrin for 12 days now. I am not sure how this medication is ever supposed to work if I keep gettig more stress piled on me.

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Uneventful days are not all bad

Went in to see my individual counselor today. We talked about this weekend, the marriage counselor, and how Hubby and I met. She asked me if I want my marriage to work out. I told her that I do to a certain extent, but I think after the things that have happened and been said over the last few weeks I am not sure that there is any way that it can. Right now, I really just want to know my kids are safe and I will have them. I am trying to figure out what is the best for me and my kids.

My counselor suggested that I keep documentation of everything, especially the times he says he is leaving. Alex wants me to talk to a few attorneys to try and find one that will work with me pro bono or very cheap. I was hoping that we could agree on how it would work, but I now know that it will not happen that way.

I feel locked up in this house. I do not have school until the Thursday after Thanksgiving. I do not have another counseling appointment until the Wednesday after Thanksgiving. That leaves me with Hubby all day every day. I am trying to just keep my mouth shut so that it will keep the fighting to a minimum.

Today has been fairly uneventful.

Family Picture day

We got into another all night fight again last night. This time it was because I was not into watching a movie and so I was playing a game on my phone. We fought until 7:30 this morning. He broke our closet door and a picture on our wall because I pushed him out of my face. He told me that if he were to walk out that door, he was going to call 911 and make a report that the girls were unsafe with me because he feels I am mentally unstable.

Today, we went to get family pictures done. I hate pretending that everything is fine when it is not. Our children have been crabby, and he tells me it is my fault because of what I am doing to our family.

I told Alex yesterday that he could read these. I am glad I have him as a friend, but I am a little worried that the things going on in both of our homes will tear apart our friendship. If Hubby does not want me on my phone to imessage and play my games, how and when will Alex and I talk? We cannot call eachother because his wife is suspicious that there is something going on. I really want to be friends with him, I like who I am with him. I am happy and cheerful.

I am going to try to make my marriage work, but I am not going to try forever. Either we are going to make it, or we are not. I will give my medication and counseling six months and if I am not happier with my marriage, I will be done.

Just another rant

Two of the things the marriage counselor said that I needed was more friends, to go out with friends more, and to get time alone. Hubby said before the appointment that he would agree to me getting out of the house more if the counselor suggested it. However, everytime I have brought it up since then, he has made excuses for why I cannot go out. Am I shocked? No, I knew that is the way it would happen. Am I frustrated and hurt by it? Of course I am.

I know that change does not happen overnight, but I just do not want to fight anymore. I do not know if this is what I want anymore. Hubby and I are from different worlds and always will be. He never grew up without financial stability. I never had financial stability, ever. When I told him that I want financial stability, he told me that all I have ever cared about is money. Really? Seriously?

If he would have gotten a job way back instead of screwing them all up on purpose because he did not want to work, we never would ahve gotten in the car accident that messed up his shoulder. Therefore, he would have had more job opportunities all along. I want to be married to someone who wants to be something, someone who wants to do something with their life. I want someone who wants to be their best. All he wants is to find out how not to work. He has been talking about applying for Social Security for nine years. Actually, he did apply for it, but was denied.

I do not want to be on assistance forever. I want me and whoever I am with to be financially sufficient for our family’s needs. That was my goal growing up. Boy, have I missed that mark.

People think it is so sweet that we were high school sweethearts. Really, I was the puppy dog that followed him home. He tried to get rid of me more than once. I do not think that we would have gotten married if I had not gotten pregnant with #1.

I have my doubts about how bad his back really is. I think that now it might be worse, but I really think that he has been milking the original injury.

He turned off the texting on our cell phones. Says that the only reason is because of the money. It feels like he turned it off to shut me off from the world more. Now I am home all the time with him except my individual counseling appointments and school. What about me? When am I supposed to decide what I want? Is he afraid that if I spend time alone or with friends, I will decide that I really do not want to be here?

Even tonight, I asked him about going out for a few and he told me that he wants me to schedule that monthly. Really? What good will that do me?

Only time will tell…

Had my first counseling appointment this week. I really like this lady. I felt comfortable in her office and talking to her. My next appointment is this week. We also had our first marriage counseling session. I am not sure I like that lady as much, but I am giving it the effort. He did exactly what I was afraid he would do with the information. After the session, when we fought he used the things I said in the session. He only followed the things that he wanted to follow and made excuses not to follow the things he did not like. We have either been fighting or pretending that everything is okay all week. I just do not know what there is left anymore. I know that I need to try just so that I can tell my kids that I did. That seems to be another thing that he keeps throwing in my face, that he will tell the kids that he tried all he could.

I feel so lost. I do not know what I want. I know that I am not happy in my marriage and that is not healthy for me or my kids. I want to be happy, not live on anti-depressants my whole life. I want to be happy enough with me and my life that I can get off of them. I know that people go through periods in their lives that they need them, but why should I need them all the time?

I am still talking to Alex, but the majority of it is two freinds venting. The same way I would vent to a female friend. I have always gotten along better with guys though. I am sure that there are people who will say that has something to do with unresolved feelings, self-esteem, or Daddy issues. Since I was in the third grade, I have made better friends with males. That is just how it is. There have been a few references to the conversations we had before, but there is less of them. Usually it is when one of us is trying to make the other one laugh. We did spend a half hour together this last week. I am trying to back off a little, but I cannot deny that he makes me happy. When Hubby and I were in our carriage counseling session and I felt like crying, I closed my eyes and I saw Alex smiling at me and it helped me calm down.

I have been on the brink of crying all day. If I had driven myself to school today, I would have gone to my vehicle and cried.

Alex sent me one of his school papers to proofread this week and I asked him if he will proofread mine when I am done. I do not have that with Hubby. Hubby and I are very different people, we always have been. He did not graduate high school until he was almost 22, but I graduated on time (pregnant, but on time). He tried college, but failed out. I am almost done with my BLS in Social Services. I have always wanted better and to better myself, that is just the type of person I am. I like to learn.

I just feel so lost all the time. I am afraid to open up in the marriage counseling sessions because I do not want Hubby to use it against me. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could know what the right thing to do is.

Alex and I have discussed what would happen if we both ended up single. I told him that I would want it to go slow, for us and our kids. I would not want us to move in together until we were sure that we were going to last. I would want counseling for each of us, both of us, and the kids. He agreed with me.

I finished school almost an hour early today and I did not call hubby. I took the time to sit at a school computer and write this. I know that journaling is good for the mind and the soul. I am going to try to write more often. Even if sometimes it means three or four posts a day. To those that subscribe, be prepared to get bombarded.

Well, just got a call from Hubby. He has been outside for 30 minutes and is upset that I did not call him when class was over.