Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.

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We all need to make changes

 

 

Yep. This seems to be the story of my life. Every single time I start to feel like life is starting to go my way, life laughs at me and throws me a curve ball. I suppose you are wondering, “What is she going to complain about now?” I am aware that my blog has turned into a constant bitch session. I have tried to post when there are positive things going on as well, but when things are going well, I am wrapped up in enjoying it.

Yesterday, Alex told me that he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and asked if he wanted to do dinner last night, or something today. He said he would ask the girls. I was speechless for a few minutes, but responded with “K.” The he told me, “Best I can do.” Then I kinda lost it. I asked if he asked if they wanted to go to anyone else’s house, or just mine. I told him that I know the girls’ opinion matters to him, but sometimes I think that they have too much control. He told me that their opinions matter to him and he asks them if they want to go to everyone’s house. I told him that my kids’ opinions matter too, but sometimes, as the parent, I make the decisions. We both got off early and spent about a half hour together. As always, it was nice.

Alex and the girls did come over for dinner last night and I thought it was going pretty well. #1 didn’t argue when I told her to do the dishes. #2, #3, and A1 were playing together upstairs. A2 was sitting with Alex and I on the couch. Alex asked her what their plans for today were and if she wanted company. She pointed to me and I reminded her that I would have the kids and she said no. Then, Alex told her that was not very nice and came up with ideas of how it would work. She got excited.

#4 went upstairs, but there was a little bit of a problem because she took a marker upstairs with her and #2 started to get upset. I told #4 that she needed to stay downstairs with the marker. #1 came and sat on the couch with us, but was a little upset that A2 was snuggling with me and so #1 could not. She never wants to cuddle with me. Then A2 went and colored with #4. #3 came downstairs and sat watching the movie with us. #4 went upstairs and I heard her start crying. I went to find out what was going on. #2 had told her that she could not come in because she had a pen. I told her that she needed to stay downstairs to color. At that point, I thought all was good. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Suddenly, A1 came downstairs and asked if they could leave. At first, Alex was all over it. Then, A2 was not impressed and they stayed for the rest of the movie. A1 did tell Alex that #2 was being mean to #4.

This morning, I got a text from Alex that when they got home last night, A1 went straight to bed. Then he told me that he didn’t think today or tomorrow was a good idea. You see, he is going to M&M’s for the game and told me to call and see about us joining them. I hated the idea of inviting myself, but was willing to do it in order to spend the time with Alex. I guess Alex asked if she wanted to see me or the kids today or tomorrow and she said no. I told him that he blames all of our problems on KD, but even if he dropped off the face of the earth, we would be in the same position. Alex told me I was right, nothing would ever change. I told him that things can change, but we will ALL have to be willing to make changes. He told me to let him know when my kids were ready to change. It took all I had not to flip out at that moment. I haven’t heard much else from him today. I asked him if he wants #1 and I to come over on Monday. His response was that he wants us to, but he doesn’t know what is best and he knows I need to do laundry. I told him not to worry about my laundry. Make a choice based on him only.

I have some serious heartburn tonight. I already took 4 chewable antacids, but it hasn’t gone away. I just took 4 more.

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without me. I know that I make him happy, but I cannot change what I bring with me.

I know that my kids are not the same as his kids. I know that my kids can be difficult, but I also know that my kids can be pretty amazing. These four kids have been through a world of hurt over the last two years and continue to be thrown around like pawns in their father’s games. I know that things haven’t been easy for A1 and A2, but they know that both their parents love them. They are even lucky enough to have me love them. My kids don’t have that. At least one of them is convinced that their father hates them. Two of them think want their father’s affection so much that they don’t know how to react. These kids want someone to love them, they want to know that they are important. I can only do so much. We really don’t have any family here. I don’t have friends that take any interest in the kids. I feel like I am screwing these kids up almost every single day, but then one of them does something so amazing that I wonder where it came from. Then I realize, these kids are amazing, they just need someone to believe in them and show them that they are important. I try, but it just isn’t enough. Very rarely is what I do enough.

Hey!! My heartburn is finally gone!!! Yeah! At least something is going my way.

I am scared about this hearing. What the Guardian ad Litem says on Thursday will give us a major insight into what she is going to say in regards to the entire case. Logically, I know that someday the supervision will have to be dropped, but it scares me. I am afraid of what will happen. Oh, KD will be careful for a little while, but one day he will snap again. Logically, I know that I have shown that I have the best interests of the kids at heart and am the best place for them, but I am still scared. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Forget about the heartburn being gone. It was just a temporary reprieve, go figure.

Where is that line?

 We would set our rules and they would be easy to follow.

Where do we draw the line between what we have been and what we are? How do we draw a line so neither of us gets hurt? We have never been good at “just friends.” We tried that. We tried to set rules, but we did not stick to them very well. In the beginning, it seemed like it made sense. We would set our rules and they would be easy to follow. What we did not realize was that we would fall in love.

Life is not as simple as riding public transportation.

Multiple times over the last two years, we have come to this place, the place where we try to set boundaries. The problem is that neither of us knows where to draw that line. At one point, I said no sex unless he was sure we were together, but then I wanted, no needed to feel him close to me. Then the line was blurred again. There was no yellow line to stand behind. There still is no yellow line to stand behind. Life is not as simple as riding public transportation.

…but then I wanted, no needed to feel him close to me.

Now, here we are again. Not knowing where to draw the line. Neither of us sure what line to draw. Both afraid to draw a line for fear of completely losing the other. Promised friendship or not, I know how often I talk to my friends. I do not want that with him. Alex is my best friend. I just want to get back to that. I want to be able to talk to him without feeling guilty that I might be stressing him out. I want him to be able to talk to me without the worry that it will add stress to my life. I want to go back to being able to listen to each other without feeling like we had to fix it all. I want to be able to enjoy each other again.

…we will be going down separate roads that will lead us farther apart.

I am afraid that we will both get to the point that we are so afraid to cross that invisible line that we are trying to draw that we will be going down separate roads that will lead us farther apart. No matter how bad it hurts me to see, I want him to be happy. I will do my best to be there for him, no matter what. I will tell you one thing though, no one better hurt him or those girls, or they will have to answer to me.

It sucks…

Until tonight, I have spent this week with Alex. Christmas breakfast was me, Alex, the girls, and GM. I am glad that she doesn’t hate me. Christmas was hard. This is the first time I was away from my babies for Christmas, but it was still a nice Christmas. I enjoyed spending it the way I did.

The kids are home tonight after a big ordeal with KD and his mother, but my attorney told me to give in, again. I love my kids and am happy to see them, but I am so tired of letting KD and his mother have so much control. Isn’t that why I divorced him? Alex brought me to my apartment to meet the kids. I expected that he would just drop me off and head home, but he didn’t. He stayed for a few after the kids got here and watched the kids open their gifts. The whole while, KD and his mother were sitting outside. They sat there for about 30 minutes. I assume the problem was that Alex opened the door for the kids and not me. Seriously? We will tack this on the list of things to talk to the attorney about. The situation sucks. The control KD has sucks. Expecting to be with Alex, but having to be here tonight, sucks. But I think part of me needed to see my babies. I miss Alex and I hate that he is home alone tonight.

Being the responsible parent sucks. Just once, I want to be the irresponsible one. We all know I won’t be. Must be nice to decide when and if you will take care of your kids. Single parenting sucks, but I will make it through this. A good friend reminded me the other day that I have been through a great deal and I have made it this far. She told me that in the time she has know me, I have become a different person and she is proud of me. It is a great thing to hear that from someone.

When it comes to Alex, I know that he has a hard time with my kids and KD, but overall I am a lucky woman. I have this man that loves me enough that he is still here. He really is amazing and at least for now, he is mine.

I will go back to Alex’s after work tomorrow to spend the rest of the weekend with him. We will have the girls on Saturday evening until Sunday afternoon. This is good because I had to leave for work before they got up this morning and by the time I got back there after work, GM had already picked them up.

Heard from BFF tonight. I reinstated my status to “In a relationship” on facebook tonight. She commented from her husband’s profile and I sent her a private message that she has made it pretty clear that she doesn’t care. She messaged me back that I was a horrible friend and only texted her when no one else was available or i needed something. Told her that was never my intention and I was sorry she felt that way.

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Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

“Never say goodbye…”

This is exactly what I am afraid of. I am afraid Alex (wow, I actually typed his real name) will forget me. I am afraid that he will let go of me and find the woman that can be all that he needs and wants. I am afraid that I will lose my friend. I am afraid I will never find a guy that will measure up to the standards that he has created for me. Worse, I am afraid that he will keep trying and begin to hate me. I am afraid that he will begin to resent me. I couldn’t live with that. I don’t know what I would do if he began to hate and resent me. I am afraid of pushing him back into the hole of despair that he says I pulled him out of.

Tonight, he actually compared our relationship to our marriages. Said that for us to keep trying is like either of us having stayed in our marriages. Is it that bad with us? Are we really fighting that much of a losing battle? The problem is, if he is right, then I will just become a distant memory. Someone he once knew. I don’t want that, but I do want him to be happy.

I’ll tell you one thing…when he does find the woman that can be everything he needs and wants, I will be the first person to tell her that she better not hurt him or the girl or I will kick her a**. That’s what friends are for, right? Who am I trying to kid?? When he finds her, we will lose touch. She won’t want him to have anything to do with me. That’s okay though. For one, I will know that he is happy. For two, I know that M&M will stand up for him. Just like M did to me.

I will never forget the first time I met up with the group without Alex. M told me that Alex was his best friend and he loved him. I looked him square in the eye and told him, “So do I.” One of the things I love about Alex is that he is so loved by so many people, especially me.

Numerous times, Alex has told me that he can’t do six kids. He can’t handle the way my kids treat me. He can’t handle how disrespectful my kids are. He tells me that he will never be able to handle it all. Yet, I still hold on. Numerous times he has question why I hold on when I know how he feels. It all comes down to two things. I love him and he shows me that he loves  me by trying. He could have, and by all rights should have, given up on me, on us, already. He hasn’t, at least not yet.

I guess I had better put this thing away since I am blind typing behind tears. The thought of losing him makes me want to curl up and cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t do that though. I have to be an adult. I have to be here for my kids. I have to go to work. I have to put on a face and pretend that everything is okay. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering how much longer I will be able to call him mine. When I finally fall asleep, it is restless. I wake up often, checking my phone to see if he has sent me a text. Tonight is the second night in a row that I am sleeping in a pair of his pajama pants and one of his shirts while snuggling into another of his shirts just so I can pretend that he is close. Pretend that I am not losing him. Pretend…I hate that word. He always uses it in reference to the time we do get to spend together “pretending.”

I really am done now. I guess the summary of this all…I am scared that Alex is going to tell me goodbye and forget me forever.

Well S**t

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I love this picture because I think it fully explains how I feel about my life lately. I know that these posts have not gotten very personal over the last few days. I am trying to sort through some things in my head and my heart and I am not sure that I am ready to put any of it into words.

I feel like I have lost Alex. Neither one of us know what we are doing or what we are holding onto and I am afraid that we are holding on to what was. I still have hope for what could be, but I don’t want to hold him back if he does not feel the same. I know he loves me, he always will because that is the kind of guy he is. I just don’t know…I don’t even know how to put it into words.

He has really come through for me over the last few days and rescued me financially. I hate it. I hate that I had to even tell him that I was having problems. I hate to admit that I can’t do this alone. There is so much lately that I feel I need help with and my finances are only the beginning. I feel like I have no one to talk to, someone to just listen. Yes, I know that sometimes I can be a extremely negative. I am sorry. Life sucks for me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have great things and great people in my life, but lately I just feel like I am alone. There is that word again. Yes, I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel alone.

20131205-220525.jpgChallenges. That is an understatement. It feels like every single time things start to look up with us, we end up here. Where neither of us knows what is going on. I have not taken my ring off because I still want him. I want us. I am still willing to give this my all. My fear is that we will keep pushing this and we will end up losing our friendship also. He was my best friend. I knew that he was there and I could tell him anything. Lately, I find that I am questioning myself about whether or not what I am going to text him is something he will even care about. No more are there the texts first thing in the morning just so I knew he was thinking about me when he woke up. I don’t text him when I first get up either, but it is not because I am not thinking about him. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I do is look at my phone to see if he has sent me anything. No more texts telling me good night and sweet dreams. I fall asleep at night with my phone in my hand waiting…No more is the romance. Yes, I am unhappy with our relationship right now. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss my love. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the man who couldn’t wait to get me alone. I miss the man who would ask for a picture just because I told him I was going to get in the shower. I miss the man who’s heart sped up when I touched his skin. I miss what we had. I would give anything to go back to what we were. I hate where we are. I am scared of getting my heart broken, but I am more afraid of losing my best friend forever.

I know that I am where I am in life because of choices that I have made. However, I cannot change those choices. Yes, part of me wishes that I could go back in time and tell myself not to trust KD and his charm. Yes, part of me wishes that I had stayed on track with my goals. Yes, part of me wishes that I had been able to follow my life plan that I had.  But, guess what? I can’t. I just have to live my life and handle things as they come my way.

I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I am never alone, but I always feel so alone.

Crabby Mommy

crabby mommyBack to being alone today. Didn’t sleep again last night. I hurt like hell. Took the kids to the library today because we had some stuff that was due back and I wanted to make sure there was no short supply of movies in this house over the next few days. Grandma wanted to do lunch and the kids’ birthday presents so we met her for lunch at McDonald’s…with a play-place…oh goodie. Then back to her house to do the birthdays (from this summer). However, after a half hour of me sitting with pain and exhaustion showing on my face while her and the older two kids looked for the presents, she decided that she gave up for today. The kids and I came home. #4 laid down for a nap, #1 and #2 walked to the store together, and #3 finished his movie from earlier. All this was while I laid on the couch dozing in and out because I hurt, had taken my medicine, was exhausted, and had heat on my belly and my back.mommy

Alex said yesterday that maybe him and the girls would come up today so that they could check on me. I told him today not to worry about it if the girls didn’t want to and/or he wasn’t up to it. I know that his patience was being pushed yesterday and he did an amazing job handling it and not letting it show. CE sent me a text yesterday that he might come check on me today, but that didn’t happen either. Grandma told me last night that she could take a couple of the kids, but then it started snowing and I would have had to go back and get them from her. I haven’t really heard from anyone else. My mother hasn’t even asked how I am feeling today. Grandma kept talking like she wants the kids and I to come back over tomorrow or Sunday. #1 wants to go to the store to see if she can find boots. Seriously???  Does anyone really care that I just had surgery three days ago?

I see all these emails when there is someone who is going through surgery (kids’ school and our church) about prayers and how we can help the family. No one even asked how they could help me. No one outside of Alex has really seemed to care. Well, GM did seem a little worried that I was over-doing it yesterday. What does that say about my life?? My boyfriend’s ex-wife cares more than any of my “friends.” I guess that says something about what kind of person I am if even she is nice  to me.

mommy knows bestI just wish that KD was not so…..uniquely special…. so that he could have his children when he is supposed to. Especially when something like this happens.

We shall see what the rest of the weekend brings. I made the kids put away their laundry today. #3 vacuumed and emptied all the garbage, #2 did dishes, #1 has been working on a science project. That is okay because she will be making dinner tomorrow. Possibly even lunch.

Well, time for Mommy-time before Mommy loses it. I sent these brats to bed 45 minutes ago and the boys are still in there talking. I don’t think I would care, but I can hear them and it is driving me batty!mommy first time

Your Fears

“Your fears” is my prompt for today. So, what am I afraid of?

Failing my children. I am afraid of not being a good mom to them. My mom chose cocaine over me as a child and I told myself that nothing would ever come before my children. I never wanted to be like my mom. I know how I felt growing up and I never want my kids to feel like that. So, I guess part of that is a fear of becoming my mom. That is on so many levels and feeds into so many of my fears. KD always had a way of using my fear of being like my mom against me. He would always compare me to my mom when he didn’t like what I was doing. I want to be there when my kids need me. I want to raise them to be successful adults.

Being alone for the rest of my life. My grandmother and my mom both became single moms. My grandmother has not dated for probably 35+ years. She became dedicated to her children and her work. My mother has pined after the same man for the last 23 years. Still to this day, she wants him and he uses that. My stepfather is very manipulative in that way.

The dark. I am not sure if I am so much afraid of the dark as I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of what might be  hiding in the dark. What might get me. What might hurt me.

The unknown. I am afraid of what might be out there. My future, love, loss, friends, family…all of it. I am afraid of losing those that I love.

I am afraid of disappointing those around me. My kids, my parents, Alex, the girls, friends, work, family…

Love. I am afraid of being hurt. My heart has been broken by those I thought loved me. I trust easy because I want to be loved, but I guard parts of me for fear of being rejected. Fear of being hurt.

English: Words associated with Fear

English: Words associated with Fear (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Alone with a Migraine

A heavy heart and a full mind, but no idea where to start. Just start typing. If only it were that easy. Sounds a lot like the rest of my life. So much that needs to be said and/or done, but no idea how to say it or where to start.

I started yesterday with a headache. Took some acetaminophen about 9:40 and it started to go away. Got a flu shot about 11:40 and my headache started to come back around 12:45. As I was driving home from work, I suddenly felt like someone was giving me a bear hug. I could breathe fine, but it was weird. I called the insurance nurse line and they wanted me to pull over and call an ambulance. I told her I was close to the hospital and would just go in. I got to the hospital about 4:40. I had all of the kids with me. #3 and #4 were being brats the whole time. #1 was worried about me and #2 was trying to help.

The tightness in my chest subsided, but by that time my migraine was so bad I could hardly see or think. I called KD’s mom, my stepdad’s mom, Neen, and BFF to see if one of them could come pick up the kids to take them home for me because it was almost 6 and it was obvious I was going to be there a while. Finally, I called CE to see if there was any way that he could help me out. Of course, he came and got them. Once he dropped them off at home, he came back and sat with me until they finally took me to a room about 7:10. All my vitals were normal. They did an EKG and all looked fine, but of course the tightness had subsided already. Alex let me know that GM had taken the girls and he was at home. That hurt. As soon as GM took the girls, he should have come just so I wasn’t alone. He asked if I wanted him to come up and I told him I didn’t know. I couldn’t see or think straight. Besides, why was he even asking?

The doctor finally came in about 8. He checked a few things, told me he was going to give me imitrex and fenigren for my migraine. He told me to give it 15 minutes to make sure I didn’t have a reaction and I could go home if it was feeling better. He also said that if it wasn’t feeling better, he would give me a shot of pain medicine, but I would need a ride home. They gave me the shots for the imitrex and fenigren about 8:30 and I laid there in pain for the next three and a half hours before I finally saw someone other than the technician that was checking my vitals. When the nurse came in, she discharged me. I told her what the doctor had said and she asked if I wanted to wait. I told her that I didn’t know if I could still get a ride home and I had already been waiting for three hours.

Alex had told me that he would give me a ride home, but I realized that he had fallen asleep when he didn’t text me back. That was about 10:30 or so. I felt alone. I felt like no one cared. I felt like I had no one. The kids kept calling me and there was nothing I could do. I text Mom, Dad, Alex, and CE when I left the hospital. CE asked me who was driving me and I told him I was driving myself because they never gave me the pain medication so I didn’t need a driver. Then he asked the question I had been waiting for since he picked up the kids for me…where is Alex? I told him that Alex had had the girls, but I assumed that now he was asleep because I hadn’t heard from him. CE told me that he was mad. I told him I was too. Then I said that I was more hurt than angry. That is what friends are for, to listen and call you out on your shit. I cried all the way home because my migraine hurt so bad and I felt so alone. When I got home at 12, #1 was still awake because she was so worried about me. I got her to bed and crawled into my bed. I sent a long text to Alex about how I felt and cried myself to sleep. When he responded to my text this morning, he told me that I kept telling him not to worry about it and I should have listened to him and just went home. Wow. Thanks.

Didn’t get much sleep because the pain from my migraine and the injection sites kept waking me up. Then, #4 woke up  puking at 3. Got her all taken care of and went back to sleep, sort of. Got up as usual, and dropped everyone off. Got to work, took one phone call and got sent home. Called my doctor to see when I could take more of my imitrex. Took one and stopped at Alex’s for a one hour nap before he left. I could have stayed longer, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to. As I was leaving, he told me that he was sorry I was mad at him. I told him I wasn’t mad, I was hurt. He never even tried to hug me when I was there.

I stopped at the daycare, picked up #4 and went home. Set her up with a movie and curled up on the couch. She woke me up to make her lunch and then we both napped from about 12-3. I felt better after the nap. My headache was gone. However, it is back now. I am going to take some acetaminophen and go to bed. 3/4 are in bed and #4 has been good about getting herself to bed and still getting up in the mornings.

I don’t know what to do about Alex. Last night, I was ready to give up. I was so hurt. I felt alone. When the registration lady asked me if KD’s mom was still my emergency contact I responded with “God no!” When she asked me who to put down, I told her I didn’t know. Finally, I gave her Alex’s name and number. I sent him a text tonight about how upset I was and he seemed to get mad at me. He asked how many times he had to say he was sorry. Sometimes saying sorry isn’t enough.

He has pushed and pushed. I keep giving him everything, but it just isn’t enough. I will never be what he wants as long as I have my kids. I have said it before and I will say it again, no one wants a woman with four kids. I get that I am a lot to handle. I get that my kids are a lot to handle. I get that no guy is ever going to want that, least of all Alex.

accepting

I don’t want to let go of him, but I am starting to wonder if it would be best for him and the girls if I did. He is already pulling away and has been for a while. I don’t want it to end, but I don’t want to hate him when and if it does either.

I am tired of feeling so alone. I am tired of feeling like nothing I do is enough. I am tired of feeling like I am failing everyone around me. I just want to be loved for who I am. I want to be loved as a package deal. I want to be respected. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to know that I am loved and respected. I want to know that when I need someone by my side to hold my hand, I won’t be crying alone in a hospital bed.