Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

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Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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How Do You Prove How Strong Your Love Is?

Over the last year, I have done my best trying to prove to Alex how much I love him. P20140103-221923.jpgrove to him that I am in this forever, rain or shine. After his accident, I did every thing he needed me to do. I ran our family, I took a leave of absence from law school, I cared for him, I stood by his side, I stood up for him. He still seemed to doubt that I was going to be there. It hurt. I finally asked him if I would ever be able to prove to him how much I love him.

I thought we had finally gotten past that, but last night he said something20140307-204513.jpg that made me realize that he still doesn’t fully believe that I am here to stay. Every time he asks me not to leave him, it hurts. I don’t care what happens, I am here no matter what. Rain or shine. Sickness and health. I thought I had proven that to him by now.

I have been pretty distant since his comment. I just don’t know what to say to him. I love him and know that I am blessed to have him in my life. I just wish he could let go and believe in me, in us. 20130603-200805.jpg

Weekend Getaway

I am sorry I haven’t been posting. Alex and I have done a better job talking to eachother. I’m not gonna lie, we both still bottle things up and shut down, but not as much.

The last few days has been…stressful. who am I kidding? Things have been stressful for awhile. I’m not expecting things to be easy, but I wish we could catch a break once in a while.

We have planned a getaway for Saturday. I am definitely looking forward to that. I am hoping we can both relax and enjoy it. We both need it.

I am all set up to start back to school in May. I will be doing the 2 year program instead of the 3 year and will still graduate in 2017.

Well, I guess I better get my grocery shopping done and get home.

I’m still here

I know it’s been a long time since my last post. Law school was kicking my butt when I wasn’t doing my mom duties or sleeping. Then at the end of October, Alex was in a bad car accident and need 24/7 care for the first while after his 2 weeks in the hospital. So, of course I took a leave of absence to care for my love and our family and will start back to school in May.
I am happy to say that he is doing better and there are days I forget how bad it was and how close I was to losing him that day. There were
many times I wanted to post during that time, but I didn’t want him to worry. We did get our wedding rings and are wearing them. No set date, but in our hearts it’s already done.
In a week and a half, I will be having surgery on a labral tear in my hip. Not going to lie, I’m nervous. It’s just outpatient so I should be ok, but it’s still scary.
Well, I had a dye job go wrong last week and am correcting (hopefully) it tonight and it is time to rinse.

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.

UGH!

The last 48 hours has been stressful. Alex cancelled our date at the last minute. I still don’t know why, other than the fact that he suddenly wasn’t in the mood. This was after talking about it all day on Thursday. I didn’t get my reading done for class on Thursday. My babysitter told me that she cannot babysit on Monday because her house burnt down Thursday night. I have a bladder infection. My physical therapist thinks I have a labral tear in my hip.  Alex and GM are switching weeks (meaning no kid free time, ever. Unless she is willing to take the girls once in awhile). Oh and Alex doesn’t trust me.

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

Struggles come in all shapes and sizes

I am surviving law school, but I am only taking one class. I need to get into a consistent routine. It might help if this Professor would actually give us the schedule ahead of time. She waits until we have finished the one she gave us and then posts a new one. Some of the cases, I read and wonder what people are thinking when they commit some of these crimes. The current chapter is on Homicide. There was one case about a couple that let their 17 month old son die from an abscessed tooth. How do you not smell that when the stench should be present for 10 days before death?

Outside of school, this last week was a rough one. Alex got really frustrated with the kids and instead of freaking out on them, he shut down. I feel so helpless when he gets like that, but I am not walking away. I am here. I am in this. I love him. He just seemed so far away, even when he was right beside me. It kinda put us both in our own little worlds. I hated it. I know it frustrates him to. I just wish I knew what we could do about it.

I get frustrated too. I am still afraid to say something for fear of pushing him away. I know my kids are not perfect, but some of the things he says just pisses me off.  All eight of us have things to work on. We agreed not to go to counseling because we have actually been talking to each other and because he doesn’t want to dredge things up, but I am afraid we are going to start “stuffing” again. I don’t want to cause more fights and I don’t want things to get more difficult. We are supposed to start a parenting class together on Sunday. We are doing the Love and Logic series (required by my parenting plan).

#1 and A1 created a list of why they think that #1 needs her own cell phone. I told #1 that I would think about it if she shows an increase in responsibility, respectfulness, integrity, doesn’t get kicked out of school, and keeps her grades up.

#2 and #3 have their beds at the house now. Alex and I put carpet in for them last weekend and got their beds set up before they came home last Sunday. They were excited. So, #1 is sharing a room with A1, the boys have their own room, A2 has her own room, and #4 has been sleeping in a her own “room.” We just need to get her a bed set up. We are thinking that she is small enough that she can sleep in a toddler bed. Eventually, she will have her own room, but we bought air conditioners instead of carpet for her to have a real room. She enjoys the one she has though because she is upstairs with the big girls.

Since we are sitting at Alex’s mom’s house, and I am supposed to be working on studying, I should probably wrap this up. I just wanted to touch base with you all and let you know that I have to dropped off the face of the earth. I have just been busy. When we do not have kids, I am studying or spending time with Alex. For instance, he has today and tomorrow off from work. Tonight, we are having date night and tomorrow we are going on a motorcycle ride. I can’t wait to spend the extra time with him.