Only time will tell…

Had my first counseling appointment this week. I really like this lady. I felt comfortable in her office and talking to her. My next appointment is this week. We also had our first marriage counseling session. I am not sure I like that lady as much, but I am giving it the effort. He did exactly what I was afraid he would do with the information. After the session, when we fought he used the things I said in the session. He only followed the things that he wanted to follow and made excuses not to follow the things he did not like. We have either been fighting or pretending that everything is okay all week. I just do not know what there is left anymore. I know that I need to try just so that I can tell my kids that I did. That seems to be another thing that he keeps throwing in my face, that he will tell the kids that he tried all he could.

I feel so lost. I do not know what I want. I know that I am not happy in my marriage and that is not healthy for me or my kids. I want to be happy, not live on anti-depressants my whole life. I want to be happy enough with me and my life that I can get off of them. I know that people go through periods in their lives that they need them, but why should I need them all the time?

I am still talking to Alex, but the majority of it is two freinds venting. The same way I would vent to a female friend. I have always gotten along better with guys though. I am sure that there are people who will say that has something to do with unresolved feelings, self-esteem, or Daddy issues. Since I was in the third grade, I have made better friends with males. That is just how it is. There have been a few references to the conversations we had before, but there is less of them. Usually it is when one of us is trying to make the other one laugh. We did spend a half hour together this last week. I am trying to back off a little, but I cannot deny that he makes me happy. When Hubby and I were in our carriage counseling session and I felt like crying, I closed my eyes and I saw Alex smiling at me and it helped me calm down.

I have been on the brink of crying all day. If I had driven myself to school today, I would have gone to my vehicle and cried.

Alex sent me one of his school papers to proofread this week and I asked him if he will proofread mine when I am done. I do not have that with Hubby. Hubby and I are very different people, we always have been. He did not graduate high school until he was almost 22, but I graduated on time (pregnant, but on time). He tried college, but failed out. I am almost done with my BLS in Social Services. I have always wanted better and to better myself, that is just the type of person I am. I like to learn.

I just feel so lost all the time. I am afraid to open up in the marriage counseling sessions because I do not want Hubby to use it against me. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could know what the right thing to do is.

Alex and I have discussed what would happen if we both ended up single. I told him that I would want it to go slow, for us and our kids. I would not want us to move in together until we were sure that we were going to last. I would want counseling for each of us, both of us, and the kids. He agreed with me.

I finished school almost an hour early today and I did not call hubby. I took the time to sit at a school computer and write this. I know that journaling is good for the mind and the soul. I am going to try to write more often. Even if sometimes it means three or four posts a day. To those that subscribe, be prepared to get bombarded.

Well, just got a call from Hubby. He has been outside for 30 minutes and is upset that I did not call him when class was over.