It mattered to me

It mattered to me. Bottom line. When you love someone, if something matters to them, it matters to you by default. That is love. Lets use children as an example. Has your child ever had a passion for something that you could care less about? What do you do when your child starts to talk about it? Do you ignore them? No. You listen intently and ask questions. Why? You can tell that this subject matters to your child. Therefore, it matters to you. This is how relationships work. It does not matter what the relationship: parent-child, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, friends, you get the point.

Tonight, I was in a collision. I will tell you straight off that everyone walked away. I picked up #1, #2, and #3 from the bus and went to a meeting with my attorney. When we left the attorney’s office, we were discussing what to have for dinner and headed to pick up #4. I was about 5 minutes from the daycare when it happened.

I drove through a green light and suddenly the pickup in front of me stopped. I hit my brakes and tried to swerve, but it was too late. My car hit hard enough that my airbags deployed. My ears were ringing, the smell from the airbag was nauseating, the horn would not stop, and #1 was freaking out. Pulled into a parking lot and the first thing I did was ask how the kids were. #2 was fine, #3 was just in a lap belt and had a sore belly, and #1 had ringing in her ears. Next thing I did was ask the gentleman I hit if he was okay. He was fine. Then, the important question…how was his vehicle? He stated that his vehicle was fine. He tried to convince me that I needed to not drive my car because I was leaking fluid. In tears, I told him that I did not have a choice because I needed to at least get it home. He went to his truck, came back and said that even though he was fine and so was his truck, we still needed to exchange information. This is when my tears really began to flow. You see, I don’t have insurance. Even if I did, it probably would only be liability. He said that he was certain him and his truck were fine, but we exchanged information, just in case.

After much struggle, I finally got #1 to get back in the car. She was freaked out. We made it to the daycare (with no power steering and me watching to make sure I didn’t overheat), but when we tried to leave, the car would not start. I could not even get the hood open. I called CE, he came and grabbed the kids and took them home for me. I called my step-mom, freaking out and she reminded me that her brother lives in town. She gave me his number (that whole part of the family is mechanics) and I called to see if he could help me get it started so I could at least get it home. My uncle came and told me that it was not going to start so I needed to tow it. His truck would not tow it, but my cousin’s would. So, we went and grabbed my cousin and they towed the car back to my house. My cousin is fairly optimistic that he can fix the car for a couple hundred dollars as long as he can find the parts at the junk yard. I don’t have the money for that, but it is better than being totaled. He is going to come over in the next few days and look to see what all it needs. Once we figure out what it will cost, I will see if there is any way that he can afford to cover it and let me make payments to him. Otherwise, I am going to have to see what, if anything, my grandparents can do. My grandma here is going to share her car with me for a little while. I am going to see what I can come up with as far as car pooling or something to get to and from work and see what options I have as far as getting the kids to the bus in the mornings and home after school.

I did try to call Alex, but knew he had the girls tonight and didn’t expect anything from him except for maybe a comforting word or two. He didn’t answer the phone, but he texted me a little bit later and asked if everything was okay and I told him “no, not really.” He called immediately. I told him what happened and it really didn’t make me feel better. After I picked up my grandma’s car, I tried to call him because it was after the girls’ bedtime so I figured that I would update him and maybe hear something comforting. I really didn’t hear anything so I wasn’t sure that he had not just answered the phone in a half-sleep stupor. Then, I got a text telling me that he was glad that everyone was okay and he really didn’t know what else to say to me. I told him that something comforting, maybe tell me that at least everyone is okay, maybe tell me that everything will be okay, I don’t know. I never heard back from him. Comfort was what I needed from him, and what I got instead hurt.

I was starting to feel sore as I started to relax so I took some medicine and two hours later, it is finally making me drowsy. Good night world.

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What now?

What a long couple of days it has been. I do not even know where to start…

How about this. I am sitting in the school computer lab on my lunch break for two reasons: 1.) I do not want to go to the Christmas lunch and 2.) I do not want to run into Alex’s wife. I would like to tell you that things have been great over the last few days, but I would be lying. Things blew up at his house and I am not sure how long it will be before it reaches my house. Did I mention that Alex’s wife is taking a class with and is friends with Hubby’s cousin? And her new hair person is the cousin’s girlfriend? Yeah. Ok, so maybe I should have been a little more conscious of the possible reprecussions. However, I do not regret a thing that has happened between us.

I would have wanted to leave Hubby anyways. I have not been happy for a long time, but was too afraid to leave because I was afraid of being alone. Alex reminded me that someone can like me for me. Even if nothing ever works out between us, I cannot deny that he has helped me more ways than he will ever realize. I worry about him though. I have offered to back off so that he can get things under control and keep things civil for his split, but he tells me that he does not want me to go any where. He also told me that he does not want this to come back and hurt me and my kids.

We finally got more than an hour together. We went to dinner and talked. It was nice to just sit and talk, without a center console between us. If what I feel for Alex is not love or the beginning of it, I do not know what it is. I think about him almost constantly. When I am upset, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. When something good happens, I want to tell him about it. I want him to meet my family.

I told my Mom about the possibility of everything blowing up and why. She asked if I was having an affair, I told her no. I am not. We are friends. That does not matter though, it will not be seen that way. All I wonder is if and when Hubby’s cousin will say something to Hubby. Unless he asks around for a phone number, the only time he will have the chance is at a family function. I really hope that he has the decency not to say something at a family function.

What now? That is what I keep wondering. Should I finish the paperwork so that it is ready when it all blows? Should I bring it up so that I can curb the reaction before Hubby gets approached by someone else? I guess it does not matter what I say, Hubby will believe it is only a friendship any more than Alex’s wife believes it.

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Am I crazy??

I went into my counselor this morning. I talked to her more about Hubby and the marriage counselor. I also told her more about Alex. Her advice was to be careful because I am vulnerable; it is obvious that I have already made a decision about my marriage; and that no matter who I end up with after my divorce, we need to seek premarital counseling. I wonder if she has put the pieces together about me and Alex, or if she would be surprised if we showed up together.

Hubby is back to glossing over everything like life is fine. That is okay with me, it makes for less fighting. I am still scared about fighting over the kids. I do not want to lose them. I cannot lose my kids again, it would kill me. I went to the dentist on Monday and even after my insurance, I need about $350 worth of work. The most important part will cost me about $200. Grandma told me that she will cover that, I just need to make the appointment.

I am afraid of my feelings for Alex. I know I have said it before, but I do not want any of you to think that I am taking this lightly. I do consider all the things that need to happen before we can ever have a real relationship. For starters, two divorces. Next, counseling for all six kids and the two of us. My kids and I need to find somewhere to live because I am sure that I will not be able to keep the house. I will start back to work on January 2. I am very excited about that.

Graduation is in May. My dad and step mom are coming up for it and it will be nice to see them. I am nervous about them meeting Alex. I am curious about how my dad will react, but I know that if I am happy, he will be happy for me. My step mom has already heard plenty about Alex. She just reminds me that I need to be careful. I am trying to be, but it is hard. I like who I am when I am with Alex. I am happy and relaxed. I feel important. I feel like he cares about me for me. I just hope I am not wrong. I do not think I could handle having my heart broken so soon.

Fighting confusion is futile

I really do not know what to think anymore. Hubby is trying to reel me back in with his temporary charms. I am actually resisting them. I cannot play his games forever. I will not. Obviously these charms are only temporary, or we would not go through this every few years. This is the last time though. I am done. Yes, I am playing nice and trying to keep the fighting to a minimum until after the holidays. By then, hopefully I can have a plan. I was hoping that I would still be working and I could start putting money away, but that is not going to happen.

I cannot get Alex out of my mind. I am so scared of how he makes me feel. Why am I scared to be happy? Or am I afraid of getting hurt?

During one of our fights, Hubby told me that no guy would want me unless he was “dinking” me. Yes, he used that word. I know that is one of his fear tactics, but what if he is right? It is hard for a single mom to have time to breathe, let alone fall in love. Who wants to come into instantly having four kids? What I meet someone that wants kids of his own? I cannot provide that, my tubes are tied.

I keep thinking about my graduation in May. My dad will be here. I keep picturing him meeting Alex. It should be interesting. I know that both of us are emotionally gone from our marriages, but both divorces are going to be ugly. I cannot help but think about where we would be if we had not taken that class together. Would we both still be living our lives, ignoring the problems in our marriages? Or would we both still be considering divorce? I cannot stand to think that I was the catalyst for his getting worse. I hope not. I like to think that we both have made each other remember what happiness is, what it feels like to be cared about, what it feels like to be listened to, what it feels like to be wanted, what it feels like to be respected, what it feels like to smile, among other things.

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“Hopefully it’s not catch and release”

In my effort to take “me time” instead of ask for it, I told Hubby I was going out after the kids went out last night. He told me that we did not have the gas for that, and I responded that I had a ride. I called my best friend and she picked me up. We walked the local mall and stopped to visit with another friend of ours. It was nice. I was even home by like 10:30.

Before I left, Hubby told me that he would call his mom to call an attorney if I went out last night. I told him to go ahead. I am not playing his stupid games anymore. I cannot do it. I will always love him, he was my first love and is the father of my children. However, I will not live like this for the rest of my life.

Tonight, I told my mom that I do not think Hubby thinks I am serious. She thinks he does.

I spent an hour with Alex today. I am so glad that we have not been able to get much more than that because I think we would cross a line that we should not cross. No matter how much we would both like to, I do not want to start anything that way. I feel like I can relax when I am with him. When we are not together, I worry about his stress level and wish I could make his life less stressed. I think that I am falling for him and that scares me. What if one of our marriages actually works out? The other one will be heart broken. What if we do get together and it does not work out? I would hate to lose the friend that I have found in him. I think that if we have the chance, it could work out.

He sent me this picture today and a text that read “Hopefully its not catch and release.” I feel the same way.

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Oh, and I am only 31 pounds from my goal weight!!

Just another rant

Two of the things the marriage counselor said that I needed was more friends, to go out with friends more, and to get time alone. Hubby said before the appointment that he would agree to me getting out of the house more if the counselor suggested it. However, everytime I have brought it up since then, he has made excuses for why I cannot go out. Am I shocked? No, I knew that is the way it would happen. Am I frustrated and hurt by it? Of course I am.

I know that change does not happen overnight, but I just do not want to fight anymore. I do not know if this is what I want anymore. Hubby and I are from different worlds and always will be. He never grew up without financial stability. I never had financial stability, ever. When I told him that I want financial stability, he told me that all I have ever cared about is money. Really? Seriously?

If he would have gotten a job way back instead of screwing them all up on purpose because he did not want to work, we never would ahve gotten in the car accident that messed up his shoulder. Therefore, he would have had more job opportunities all along. I want to be married to someone who wants to be something, someone who wants to do something with their life. I want someone who wants to be their best. All he wants is to find out how not to work. He has been talking about applying for Social Security for nine years. Actually, he did apply for it, but was denied.

I do not want to be on assistance forever. I want me and whoever I am with to be financially sufficient for our family’s needs. That was my goal growing up. Boy, have I missed that mark.

People think it is so sweet that we were high school sweethearts. Really, I was the puppy dog that followed him home. He tried to get rid of me more than once. I do not think that we would have gotten married if I had not gotten pregnant with #1.

I have my doubts about how bad his back really is. I think that now it might be worse, but I really think that he has been milking the original injury.

He turned off the texting on our cell phones. Says that the only reason is because of the money. It feels like he turned it off to shut me off from the world more. Now I am home all the time with him except my individual counseling appointments and school. What about me? When am I supposed to decide what I want? Is he afraid that if I spend time alone or with friends, I will decide that I really do not want to be here?

Even tonight, I asked him about going out for a few and he told me that he wants me to schedule that monthly. Really? What good will that do me?

Only time will tell…

Had my first counseling appointment this week. I really like this lady. I felt comfortable in her office and talking to her. My next appointment is this week. We also had our first marriage counseling session. I am not sure I like that lady as much, but I am giving it the effort. He did exactly what I was afraid he would do with the information. After the session, when we fought he used the things I said in the session. He only followed the things that he wanted to follow and made excuses not to follow the things he did not like. We have either been fighting or pretending that everything is okay all week. I just do not know what there is left anymore. I know that I need to try just so that I can tell my kids that I did. That seems to be another thing that he keeps throwing in my face, that he will tell the kids that he tried all he could.

I feel so lost. I do not know what I want. I know that I am not happy in my marriage and that is not healthy for me or my kids. I want to be happy, not live on anti-depressants my whole life. I want to be happy enough with me and my life that I can get off of them. I know that people go through periods in their lives that they need them, but why should I need them all the time?

I am still talking to Alex, but the majority of it is two freinds venting. The same way I would vent to a female friend. I have always gotten along better with guys though. I am sure that there are people who will say that has something to do with unresolved feelings, self-esteem, or Daddy issues. Since I was in the third grade, I have made better friends with males. That is just how it is. There have been a few references to the conversations we had before, but there is less of them. Usually it is when one of us is trying to make the other one laugh. We did spend a half hour together this last week. I am trying to back off a little, but I cannot deny that he makes me happy. When Hubby and I were in our carriage counseling session and I felt like crying, I closed my eyes and I saw Alex smiling at me and it helped me calm down.

I have been on the brink of crying all day. If I had driven myself to school today, I would have gone to my vehicle and cried.

Alex sent me one of his school papers to proofread this week and I asked him if he will proofread mine when I am done. I do not have that with Hubby. Hubby and I are very different people, we always have been. He did not graduate high school until he was almost 22, but I graduated on time (pregnant, but on time). He tried college, but failed out. I am almost done with my BLS in Social Services. I have always wanted better and to better myself, that is just the type of person I am. I like to learn.

I just feel so lost all the time. I am afraid to open up in the marriage counseling sessions because I do not want Hubby to use it against me. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could know what the right thing to do is.

Alex and I have discussed what would happen if we both ended up single. I told him that I would want it to go slow, for us and our kids. I would not want us to move in together until we were sure that we were going to last. I would want counseling for each of us, both of us, and the kids. He agreed with me.

I finished school almost an hour early today and I did not call hubby. I took the time to sit at a school computer and write this. I know that journaling is good for the mind and the soul. I am going to try to write more often. Even if sometimes it means three or four posts a day. To those that subscribe, be prepared to get bombarded.

Well, just got a call from Hubby. He has been outside for 30 minutes and is upset that I did not call him when class was over.

It’s all okay….ish

Last night was a little better, but it still was tense. Hubby had dinner mostly made when I got off work, but I surely was not wanting to cuddle up to him.

Then, he got mad at me because I was trying to go to bed at 8:19 last night. So what? I have been exhausted, but that does not matter because he is like that everyday. I am tired of feeling guilty because I can sleep. It is not my fault that he cannot sleep. What am I supposed to do about it?

What I really need to do is call the doctor about taking a depression test. I am sure that is part of my problem. I am sure that is part of Hubby’s problem too.

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I have decided that I am going to back to pretending everything is okay. It is so much easier. CC does not want to hear about it. Alex has enough issues of his own. So, I just need to pretend its all okay.

Another day in paradise…

I wrote you an entire post during work today. Too bad I cannot actually use it since I cannot email outside of the building AND I cannot bring anything on or off the floor.

The biggest part of the post was that the not knowing is killing me. One minute, Hubby acts like everything is fine and the next, he is getting mad at me for something. I just wish he would stay mad at me or not, but not both.

Like this morning, I got up and there was a note telling me how much he loves me and appreciates all I do for our family. Just a couple days ago, it was how horrible I was because I did not do enough.

Alex asked me the other day if I could go it alone with the kids. I could in every way except financially. I would have to make some other changes, but we would be able to make it. We have done it before and we were fine.

It started again today. This time Hubby was complaining about the fact that I had requested today off, but never received a response because of how late I requested it. Like I have control over what they do?? I did get off early, but I did not want to go home. When I did get home, Hubby had a friend over. So, I found an excuse to leave. I had no desire to sit alone in my living room when he was the one who wanted me to come home early.

I cannot tell you enough times how nice it has been to have Alex to talk to. More importantly, he listens. He reminds me that I need time for me.

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