I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

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Mood Master

Finally got some sleep last night. Was really crabby this morning. Apologized to Alex. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at our situation and circumstances. I’m frustrated.

Work is depressing. Half the lights are off because we aren’t using that half of the building. They send people home left and right. The little cafe is gone. The parking lot is empty. Most of the people I talked to are gone now.

I am the master of my mood. I will look at the positive…

Time travel anyone???

Time travel. Oh the things I would do. As tempting as it may be to go back in time and stick to my guns when I left KD in 2001, I wouldn’t do that. That would mean losing my three youngest. Who knows where I would be now if I hadn’t stayed with him for so long. Who knows who I would be.

I think right now, the first thing I would do is skip over this coming week. Kids are supposed to leave at 7:00 AM tomorrow. I have no car. I have no money. I have no plans, except work. How sad is it that the only thing I have to look forward to this week is work? It isn’t like I even have an exciting job. Its just the only place I can pretend that I am not alone. It is the one place that life doesn’t feel like it is falling apart.

I am sure you are wondering how last night went. It actually went really well. Alex and the girls stayed until 8:00 PM. A1 was playing with #1 and #2 for most of the time and the only real issue was that they were being pretty loud and the rest of us were trying to watch a movie. Poor A2 didn’t feel good at all. I felt bad because I had to keep getting up and all she wanted was to cuddle me. Alex wasn’t really here with us at all. #4 tried to cuddle with him and he didn’t even move his arm to let her in. I didn’t get much more reaction from him when I tried to touch him.

I guess the way things have been lately, his text tonight should not have surprised me. Nothing should surprise me anymore. I had asked him if he wanted me to ride the bus to his place after work tomorrow. When I finally heard back from him he told me that A2 has decided she only wants it to be the three of them for Christmas. A1 wants me there and doesn’t want me to be alone for Christmas. I didn’t ask you about Christmas. I asked you about tomorrow. How much of it is the girls and how much is him? I am glad that he cares how they feel, I really do. I just wonder sometimes…

Lets assess my upcoming week:

  • I don’t  have my kids
  • I don’t have Alex
  • I don’t have any family (apparently my mother isn’t even spending Christmas up here)
  • I have no car
  • I have no money
  • I don’t even have friends I could spend it with
  • Work is closed on Wednesday so I can’t even hide there

Finally Alex told me to just come over and we can all pretend and drag the kids through the crap until a miracle happens. Wow. That feels special. I would rather be alone than somewhere I am not wanted.

What?? Does Pandora have a window to my heart? Here Without You from 3 Doors Down just came on. How fitting. “I’m here without you baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.” That is the problem with sleep. I dream. I see happiness there. In my dreams, I have kids that listen, a boyfriend (not just any boyfriend either, Alex) that wants to be with me and accepts all my baggage, friends that love me, family, a home, kids that want to be with me…

I read about the people who feel numb in their emotions. Right now, that doesn’t sound all that bad. I am tired. I don’t want to hurt so bad. The pain is almost unbearable right now.

My kids will be gone for a week and I couldn’t even get #4 to snuggle with me tonight.

Well, I guess, I will work as much as I can this week. When I am not working, I’ll read. Maybe I’ll catch up on some of the sleep I have been missing out on, but the problem is that when I do finally sleep, I don’t want to wake up because in my dreams I am not alone.

Damn you Pandora! I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. “I miss those blue eyes. How you kiss me at night. I miss the way we sleep…Like the takes of your smile. I miss the way we breathe. But I never told you what I should have said…And now, I miss everything about you. Can’t believe that I still want you. And after all the things we’ve been through. I miss everything about you…I see your blue eyes every time I close mine…”

Yes. Hibernation sounds nice. Wake me up when my life isn’t falling apart please.

Maybe I should just turn the radio off. Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. I always think of Alex when I hear this song. I have been through a great deal of crap in my life, but I remind myself that without it, I would never have met him. I guess no matter where we land, I just need to remember that he has done so much for me. Even he has helped mold me.

What a day, and it’s not even noon!

This is another one of those days that I have no idea where to start. So forgive me if I go in circles and jump around. #1, #2, and #3 started school today. My “baby” girl started middle school. I took the day off from work so that I could take them and so I can pick them up after school today. When I picked them up from KD last night, he would not even let them bring their backpacks with them. His excuse was that he was going to meet us out there this morning so he might as well just bring the backpacks with him. That might not have been a problem if I could have guaranteed that he would have been on time. #1 was supposed to start at 8:20, so she should have been in her class by 8:05 or 8:10. KD did not even get there until 8:15. Seriously! I only remebered to get a picture of one of the kids this morning. We did get it straightened out that #4 will be able to start preschool and the big three will be able to ride the bus, but that will cost us each just over $100 a month for the school year, and now I have to get her school supplies. I guess I should not complain about that because KD did get all the school supplies for the older three, despite my multiple offers to work together on getting them.

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Then there is Alex. I just don’t know what is going on with us. Things have been going really well. He even brought up getting a place big enough for all of us. I told him that the kids are not ready for that yet. I also do not think that he is really ready for that yet. I love him, but he is not ready to have all six kids together all the time. Besides, I do not feel like my finances are at a point where I can have the roof over his and the girls’ head depend on me. This was Monday night.

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Then yesterday came along and I am lost and confused again. I know that he loves GM and always will. He did not want their divorce. I have always known that. I just wish that she would admit that she has been seeing someone for over a year so that he can have that closure. Until she admits it, he will always have an issue when new “evidence” comes up. Like yesterday when A1 and A2 brought up “mommy’s friend” and the friend has the same name as the man that he knows she has been seeing. I know that I will always be competing with her and I understand that. However, I really want to call her and tell her to grow up and just admit it so he can get on with his life, with or without me.

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I love him enough that it hurts me to see him hurt like this. Not to mention the way that he begins to doubt himself and us when he gets like this. I just really do not know what to do when he gets like this. I do not want to back off because I want him to know that I am here for him, but I do not want him to feel like I am trying to force myself into his life either.

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We have been planning dinner for tonight for #2’s birthday for a week now. #2 asked specifically if we would be doing something with Alex and the girls for his birthday. All the kids know that we are supposed to do dinner tonight, but now he isn’t even sure if we will be doing dinner together or not. I have not told my kids yet that Alex and the girls may not be joining us because I did not want to deal with the attitudes before school.

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I am sitting at his apartment right now with #4 so that I can do a load of laundry. I am sitting here wondering what to do about us. I know that I love him and those girls. I will do what it takes to make sure that they are happy, eve if that means I have to walk away from them. He has the girls this weekend and I don’t have my kids, but I am not sure if he even wants me around. I know that I have to put in about five and a half hours of work on Saturday and I am working from 6:30 to 3:00 on Monday. If I am not doing anything with Alex and the girls, I will probably work most of the weekend so that I can work on getting my finances under control. I have a ton of bills that need to be paid this month. I am going to do my best to make sure that my fianancial life gets under control and soon. That is one stress that would be nice to get rid of. I think that it would help Alex and I. Besides, I need to know that I can support me and my kids all by myself.

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I just wish I knew where I stand with him. I love him and I hate seeing him in so much pain. I just don’t know. I want to be here for him, but he makes it so hard when he tries so hard to push me away. Like for tonight. I just want a solid answer from him about whether or not he wants us to come over for dinner. He tells me its up to me but the girls have to be in bed by 7:30, he has to stop and get school supplies after he picks them up at 5:15, and the girls want to go swimming. I told him that the kids and I will just stay home so we are not in his way because it feels like he is trying to tell me no without actually having to tell me no. I guess I need to finish this up. My timer just beeped so I need to get my clothes out of the dryer and get out of here because it hurts to be in his apartment right now. I just want him to tell me he loves me and still wants to try to make this work between us. For that matter, I just wish he would actually talk to me.

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Where am I headed?

Cover of "The Verbally Abusive Relationsh...

Cover via Amazon

Thanks to Alex, I remembered that I have not finished my last credit class. I still technically have two and a half books left to read. I was reading The Verbally Abusive Relationshipby Patricia Evans. I got almost halfway through that when I just could not do it anymore because it was too hard emotionally to read it. I think that I will skim the other two books and meet with the advisor so that I can be done with it. I will read the books, but right now, I need to get done. Graduation is on Mother’s Day. I was hoping to be out of this house before then, but I guess that will not happen.

Hubby and I did spend a fairly peaceful evening together last night. We were playing the Wii and not talking about anything important. We did skip our reading time last night. I do not think that I mentioned that I agreed to read with him for 20-30 minutes every other night.  We are reading Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. My counselor suggested it because of our history and also because she thinks it would be good to cover all betrayal. We have not gotten very far in it, but so far I am not getting anything out of it.

I worry about Alex every day. He is having a hard time with his new situation. I care about him, but I worry that I am complicating his life even more and I don’t want that. I care about him and no matter what, I want for him to be happy. One day, some woman will realize how special him and his girls are. When that day comes, I plan on telling her to hold on tight. I would love to be that woman, but no one knows what tomorrow brings. I enjoy every minute I spend with him, but the last couple of days I have wondered if he has been trying to get rid of me and it scares me. I am glad that he cares enough that he does not want me to experience what he is experiencing, but I am not happy in my marriage. I just do not know what to do as far as he is concerned. If only we had met under less complicated circumstances.

When Alex touches me, I get goosebumps. When Hubby touches me, I feel nothing. When Alex holds me, I do not want to leave his arms. When Hubby tries to hold me, I cannot wait to get out.

Last weekend, Alex and I went out. We went to the grocery store, back to his house to put the groceries away, to the bar to meet some of his friends, and we stopped by my friend’s house so she could meet him. While we were at the bar, I was recognized by one of my cousins. It was okay because this cousin does not like what he has recently heard about my marriage from my brother. I really enjoyed meeting Alex’s friends. I could definitly get used to it.

Today, #4 told me that she had to go poopy in the potty, and she actually did!!! I am so proud of her!

This week, I got an email from a friend at church telling me about a really good job. I talked to him about it more today. It sounds amazing. I would be managing two different delis. The delis are not profitable and they need to get someone who could get them that way. I would report to only one person and would be able to run them as if they were my own business. I would start at 25K plus benefits. This friend would give me a good reference. I would love to do it. I know that it has nothing to do with my BLS degree, but at least it would be something I would enjoy.

Hubby is sleeping on the couch right now. Seriously? I knew things would start to go back the way they were, but I did not think that it would start to be this fast. I guess in some ways, nothing has changed. He tries to be all lovey dovey, but he is still blaming and accusing. Now, all of our children’s behavior problems are my fault because I brought up divorce.

Well, I need to go read some of these books and start making dinner. I will try to write more often.

Hope This Isn’t a sign

What a morning and it is not even 6:15 yet.

Last night, Hubby reminded me that he had a doctor appointment at 10 this morning. So, I scheduled a babysitter and went online to look at bus schedules. I did not want to take any chances that he would get a ticket in the van. I figured out what buses and what times. I would be a little ate for work, but it would be okay.

I got up this morning and showered, curled my hair and got out the door in plenty of time to catch the bus. I walked around the corner and the bus stop is not there anymore. So, I thought “Okay, I’ll just walk down a couple of blocks to the other stop.” I got to the other stop and it was for a different bus. Seriously?

I turned around and backtracked. I was thinking that if I just walked sown the main road, I would find a stop. Did I mention that indent wear heels often and I decided to today? I took my heels off and was walking in my nylons because i knew I would walk faster. I did eventually find the bus. Apparently it doesn’t travel down the main road in that area. Then, as I was paying for the bus ride, I spilled my coffee and lost a quarter. The time I spent curling my hair was a waste because it came out in my walk and I have at least one hole in the bottom of my nylons.

I am now almost to my stop where I will have to walk a little ways again. I am so excited. What you cannot read that in my typing?

One Right After the Other

Heart

Image by Plucker via Flickr

Couldn’t fall asleep until 11 last night. Then, #4 woke up at 12 having puked all over the crib. Gave her a bath and cleaned up the bed. Got her back to bed and about ten minutes later, she was up to puke again. Luckily I got her to the toilet this time. By the time I got back to sleep, it was about 2. I decided that there was no way I could function on only 2.5 hours of sleep. So I called in sick kid. I got up took the kids to school and then went back to bed. We slept until about 1130. It was nice.

Just before the older kids went to bed tonight, #3 felt warm… 99.7. I decided to check #1 & #2 just because. #1 was at 99 even, and #2 wasn’t running a  fever at all. I think it will be a long weekend.

I feel guilty that by the time I go to work I will have had five days off in a row. I am hoping that my schedule is officially changed because I don’t plan on going in tomorrow. I have Monday requested off because my husband has a physical capacity examination (PCE) and #3 has a follow-up with the cardiologist.

I feel like I am just going in circles with these kids. I have to get #2 back into the orthodontist because the insurance wants new pictures before we appeal their denial for his braces. The cardiologist is making me feel paranoid about the heart stuff. They are telling me that his fast heart rate is normal. When the did his echo, his heart was beating at about 95-100 bpm, laying still on a bed. I recorded it as high as 145 during the last Harry Potter movie. It freaks me out. #1 is having ankle problems. She refused to do PE or volleyball until she got the ankle braces. I went through the hoops to get the braces and she won’t wear them for volleyball because she can’t move very well.

#1 is starting to struggle with school. I don’t know if it is because of the changes with me working, the low number of assignments, or something else. I think that part of it is the fact that she is used to having it easy at school and she is finally being challenged. I think it will be good for her.

What would you like to hear more about from me??

What More Do You Want From Me?

It doesn’t seem to matter what I do, it is never enough for anyone.
This spring, my husband didn’t want me to go hand out flyers for our business until he went to work, but I think it is unprofessional to hand them out with #4 with me. Now, he is mad because I never handed out enough.
Our computer died (that was my fault too) and I have to recreate all of our invoices from scratch. I am 2 weeks late billing our big client because of it. Again, my fault.
We needed more income, so I got a job. Now, I don’t spend enough time with him. I don’t make enough money.
I ask the kids to bring me all their dirty clothes, this isn’t anything new. Now, I can’t find #3s uniform shirt for school. Apparently that is my fault because I don’t do enough laundry.
I am so physically and mentally exhausted. I just want to cry. I am trying so hard, but it’s never enough.

I am worried about my class. The instructor hates me. I answer the assignment questions concisely and she tells me I need to be more in depth. So now, my grade hangs on 3 assignments. I better pass this class. I can’t afford to fail.

A New Day

A huge relief, I have both days off this weekend and my boss put in for this to be permanent!!!
On another note, my grandmother went in today to replace her lost license and they refused until she gets a note from her doctor and her eye doctor. That is another stress.
#1 has her first volleyball game next week.

A New Course

So many things have happened since my last post, yet nothing has really changed. I am now working full time while going to school full time. I enjoy my job, but I miss being home with my children. My husband is off of work because of an injury to his back. This means that I am doing all that I was doing when I was home in addition to my job and my school. We still do not know anything about our house. However, it has been assigned to a mortgage counselor and we may be able to get a modification.

I try to keep these posts not too deep, but I think that I may try to write more and I hope that you all understand the change of course this blog may take. One of my new classes requires me to read a list of six books. I chose the list of psychology themed books because it sounded interesting. One of the titles is Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning. The cover has the following quote from the San Francisco Chronicle, “This remarkable memoir describes a yearlong descent into, and eventually out of, the unbearable hell of depression — and does so with eloquence, grace, and humor.” I am about half-way through this book and I am again wondering if I may be in the midst of a depression myself.

So many days, I feel like I am on the brink of tears over pretty much anything and everything. I feel as though I am a failure at everything I do. I feel as though everything goes wrong. I feel as though I could never get enough sleep to make me feel refreshed.

I know that the last time I felt like this, the kids and I began going to church on a regular basis. So, I am going to try that again. I went to my doctor today and wanted to say something to her. However, when I got to her office, I learned that her new medical assistant is from our church. I did not feel comfortable talking to the doctor about this issue. In fact, I am not sure that I want to continue going to this doctor at all. The lady from church is very sweet, but I am not sure that I feel comfortable with her knowing that much.