A parent’s worst nightmare

You never think it can happen to you. Not in your family. You would know before it could happen in your family. These are just some of the lies we parents tell ourselves about teen suicide and attempted teen suicide. Guess what? They are just that, LIES. This can happen in any family. It happened in mine. We almost lost #1.

Friday was just like any other day. #1 was babysitting, Alex was at work, and I was finishing up the last of my school stuff. #1 seemed to be in a good mood in the morning, she was helping A1 and #4 go through their clothes to start the process of getting ready for school clothes. Then, she was irritated with some of them. She wanted to go lay down, but I told her that she had to stay on the main floor because she was the babysitter. I left school earlier than I planned, something told me I just needed to leave and go home. I texted #1 and asked if she maybe wanted to go to the grocery store with me, and she said yes.

Once I got home, her and left. She still seemed like she wasn’t in that great of a mood, but I figured some time away from the others and the house would be good for her. Bought us each a bottled coffee and she seemed to cheer up a little. Then, we were talking about college and she was getting into the conversation and her mood seemed to be improving. We were on our way to pick up pizza for dinner when she suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t think anything of it because she gets car sick sometimes. When we got to the pizza place, she told me that she needed to throw up, so she went to the bathroom and threw up. Then, we went to pick up #2 on our way home and she got sick in the driveway a couple times. She said she thought maybe the drink just didn’t agree with her. We got in the car and she still felt sick. When we got home, she said she needed a minute and then she would be in. Within five minutes, Alex was leaving to take A2 to a friend’s house and he hollered for me because she was faced down on the driveway convulsing.

We called 911. They got her in the ambulance and told me that she was responding appropriately. I followed the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, she started convulsing again. We thought that maybe she was just super dehydrated because she had been outside in the heat at a theme park the day before and no one had really seen her drink anything on Friday. They gave her anti seizure medicine and started running their tests. She was out of it, but some of that was from the medicine. They went to move her to the pediatric ICU and she seized again. They moved her and she continued to have seizures. They ended up hooking her up to a ventilator, a central line, an arterial blood pressure, an iv, and a catheter. She was essentially in a coma. At this point the doctors are perplexed because her tests were coming back mostly normal.

Once they got her stable, Alex and I went home to change and get some stuff for us. While we were home, we were trying to find the kids’ cell phone so we could give it to the boys while they were at the neighbor’s house. I was looking through her room and found a baggie under her pillow that had about 2 1/2 months of her wellbutrin in it. We only give her a week at a time, so I now know that she has not been taking it for awhile and we start to figure out that she probably took some of those, but we do not know how many because we don’t know how long it has been since she stopped taking them. Alex called the hospital and told the doctor. Her symptoms fit.

She did not wake up enough to get the ventilator out until yesterday morning. They just moved out of ICU a little while ago. She will be in the hospital for awhile. She is in a regular room right now, but she will have to go to the pediatric psychiatry ward before she can go home.

GM talked to A1 to see if she could figure out why. Apparently she hates me and KD told her that she was the biggest mistake of his life and it is her fault that he cannot see the others.

I saw the text messages between the two older girls. #1 says she hates me and A1 says that everyone hates me.

What is wrong with KD??? Does he not realize that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have the other kids? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would not likely have gotten back together, let alone get married and have three more kids. Even with that, I went home yesterday to get her some things and laid on her bed, looked up and right there was a picture of him holding her when she was about 2 1/2. I know it is his loss, but it was almost my loss too. Why the F*** would you say that to anyone, let alone a teenage girl????

While she was out, I told her how much I love her and how much I am me because of her. Told her the truth, she is the person that taught me you can love someone more than you love yourself. I am here for her. I know I am her mom, but d*mmit I AM HER MOM! No one in this world loves her as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. I really don’t.

I just keep thinking about the last few months. How did I miss that she was so unhappy? How did I not know that she had stopped taking her medicine?

I hadn’t told her anything about what happened because I wanted to see if she would remember/admit to what happened. Last night, she asked me when she could go home and I told her that she would be there through the end of the week at least. I told her that she had to be able to answer their questions and do what they asked of her first. She said she thought she remembered what happened. When I asked her what happened and she told me that she did not want to tell me. I told her that we had already figured out what happened, so she wanted me to tell her and I told her not until she told me. She didn’t want to tell me, so I asked if she would tell the nurse if I left, she said yes so I left. She told the nurse that she took 21 of her pills.

After she was done talking to the nurse, she let me cuddle up to her on the bed. She was my baby girl again. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.

Now, we fight the uphill battle of getting her help. She is old enough to say that she doesn’t want to after they decide that she is safe enough to go home and I can’t stop her from telling them no. She is also smart enough to tell them what they want to hear so that she can just go home. I think that scares me more than anything else. I don’t know how things are going to play out, especially once she comes home. She won’t be able to be alone for awhile. We will have to lock everything up that is not already, including tylenol.

I am scared that I will lose her. I can’t lose her. I don’t think she understands how much she means to me and how much I want to be here for her and help her, if only she would let me.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. If something feels off, it probably is.

I have heard this song a couple times over the last few days and I printed the lyrics out for her. I want her to know I am here for her, always. Stand by You by Rachel Platton.

Alex has been right by her side too. I hope she realizes that we both love her more than she will ever know. And we are not the only ones.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

BRING ON THE RAIN

This has been one of my favorite songs since I was pregnant with #1. When life happens, this song helps me remember that a bad day does not mean that all is lost. I am just tired of the bad days piling up. Today is one of those days that hiding away and locking the door sounds nice. I am tired. I am overwhelmed.

 

 

Bring on the Rain
Jo Dee Messina (feat. Tim McGraw)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door20110415-023558.jpg
A single battle lost but not the war (’cause)

[Chorus:]
Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ’round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead, no (’cause)

[Chorus]

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight (’cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

[Chorus]

Bring on the rain; bring on the rain

Bring on the rain

Bring on, bring on, the rain

Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

I’m still here

I know it’s been a long time since my last post. Law school was kicking my butt when I wasn’t doing my mom duties or sleeping. Then at the end of October, Alex was in a bad car accident and need 24/7 care for the first while after his 2 weeks in the hospital. So, of course I took a leave of absence to care for my love and our family and will start back to school in May.
I am happy to say that he is doing better and there are days I forget how bad it was and how close I was to losing him that day. There were
many times I wanted to post during that time, but I didn’t want him to worry. We did get our wedding rings and are wearing them. No set date, but in our hearts it’s already done.
In a week and a half, I will be having surgery on a labral tear in my hip. Not going to lie, I’m nervous. It’s just outpatient so I should be ok, but it’s still scary.
Well, I had a dye job go wrong last week and am correcting (hopefully) it tonight and it is time to rinse.

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.

I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

What Will it Take??

Well, I know many of you are wondering how court went yesterday.

It sucked. Prior to the hearing,  the GAL told both attorneys that she wanted to talk to them. She quickly went over  her opinion of this hearing and what her final recommendation would be, barring any major statements from the counselor on Monday. After this chat, Pat pulled me into the empty courtroom to tell me. The GAL is recommending that we resume a 50/50 schedule with no supervision. She spoke with at least the three older kids on Wednesday and all three of them told her that they did not want Grandma (KD’s mom) there all the time and that none of them are afraid of him. Of course they aren’t afraid of him, their time has been supervised for almost  a year and the last incident was almost a year ago. I lost it. Basically, what these people are telling me and my kids is that I cannot protect them. We decided to continue the hearing for two weeks in order for me to digest what the GAL had to say. However, the only way that the other side would agree to a continuance was for us to drop supervision pending the next hearing. That means that KD is now with the kids unsupervised.

I was directly asked by a friend how I feel about all of this information. I had to stop and think for a minute. On one hand, I am outraged, angry, and scared. I am outraged that once again, KD can do whatever he wants to and get away with it. I am angry that the history and the CPS findings mean nothing. I am scared about what will happen next, or if my kids will even be willing to come forward when something happens. On the other hand,  I am happy to have my weeks back with Alex.

I am going to fight this through trial. I am not going to give up this time. It will have to be a judge’s decision that we stick with 50/50. That way, when something does happen again, I will be able to say that I did everything I could to protect these kids.

We all need to make changes

 

 

Yep. This seems to be the story of my life. Every single time I start to feel like life is starting to go my way, life laughs at me and throws me a curve ball. I suppose you are wondering, “What is she going to complain about now?” I am aware that my blog has turned into a constant bitch session. I have tried to post when there are positive things going on as well, but when things are going well, I am wrapped up in enjoying it.

Yesterday, Alex told me that he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and asked if he wanted to do dinner last night, or something today. He said he would ask the girls. I was speechless for a few minutes, but responded with “K.” The he told me, “Best I can do.” Then I kinda lost it. I asked if he asked if they wanted to go to anyone else’s house, or just mine. I told him that I know the girls’ opinion matters to him, but sometimes I think that they have too much control. He told me that their opinions matter to him and he asks them if they want to go to everyone’s house. I told him that my kids’ opinions matter too, but sometimes, as the parent, I make the decisions. We both got off early and spent about a half hour together. As always, it was nice.

Alex and the girls did come over for dinner last night and I thought it was going pretty well. #1 didn’t argue when I told her to do the dishes. #2, #3, and A1 were playing together upstairs. A2 was sitting with Alex and I on the couch. Alex asked her what their plans for today were and if she wanted company. She pointed to me and I reminded her that I would have the kids and she said no. Then, Alex told her that was not very nice and came up with ideas of how it would work. She got excited.

#4 went upstairs, but there was a little bit of a problem because she took a marker upstairs with her and #2 started to get upset. I told #4 that she needed to stay downstairs with the marker. #1 came and sat on the couch with us, but was a little upset that A2 was snuggling with me and so #1 could not. She never wants to cuddle with me. Then A2 went and colored with #4. #3 came downstairs and sat watching the movie with us. #4 went upstairs and I heard her start crying. I went to find out what was going on. #2 had told her that she could not come in because she had a pen. I told her that she needed to stay downstairs to color. At that point, I thought all was good. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Suddenly, A1 came downstairs and asked if they could leave. At first, Alex was all over it. Then, A2 was not impressed and they stayed for the rest of the movie. A1 did tell Alex that #2 was being mean to #4.

This morning, I got a text from Alex that when they got home last night, A1 went straight to bed. Then he told me that he didn’t think today or tomorrow was a good idea. You see, he is going to M&M’s for the game and told me to call and see about us joining them. I hated the idea of inviting myself, but was willing to do it in order to spend the time with Alex. I guess Alex asked if she wanted to see me or the kids today or tomorrow and she said no. I told him that he blames all of our problems on KD, but even if he dropped off the face of the earth, we would be in the same position. Alex told me I was right, nothing would ever change. I told him that things can change, but we will ALL have to be willing to make changes. He told me to let him know when my kids were ready to change. It took all I had not to flip out at that moment. I haven’t heard much else from him today. I asked him if he wants #1 and I to come over on Monday. His response was that he wants us to, but he doesn’t know what is best and he knows I need to do laundry. I told him not to worry about my laundry. Make a choice based on him only.

I have some serious heartburn tonight. I already took 4 chewable antacids, but it hasn’t gone away. I just took 4 more.

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without me. I know that I make him happy, but I cannot change what I bring with me.

I know that my kids are not the same as his kids. I know that my kids can be difficult, but I also know that my kids can be pretty amazing. These four kids have been through a world of hurt over the last two years and continue to be thrown around like pawns in their father’s games. I know that things haven’t been easy for A1 and A2, but they know that both their parents love them. They are even lucky enough to have me love them. My kids don’t have that. At least one of them is convinced that their father hates them. Two of them think want their father’s affection so much that they don’t know how to react. These kids want someone to love them, they want to know that they are important. I can only do so much. We really don’t have any family here. I don’t have friends that take any interest in the kids. I feel like I am screwing these kids up almost every single day, but then one of them does something so amazing that I wonder where it came from. Then I realize, these kids are amazing, they just need someone to believe in them and show them that they are important. I try, but it just isn’t enough. Very rarely is what I do enough.

Hey!! My heartburn is finally gone!!! Yeah! At least something is going my way.

I am scared about this hearing. What the Guardian ad Litem says on Thursday will give us a major insight into what she is going to say in regards to the entire case. Logically, I know that someday the supervision will have to be dropped, but it scares me. I am afraid of what will happen. Oh, KD will be careful for a little while, but one day he will snap again. Logically, I know that I have shown that I have the best interests of the kids at heart and am the best place for them, but I am still scared. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Forget about the heartburn being gone. It was just a temporary reprieve, go figure.

And its only Tuesday

I love my kids. Only another parent could understand how much I love them. I want what is best for my children. Whatever that may be. If someone could show me that they would truly be better off with KD, I would like to think that I would not fight them going over there. Reality says that they are at risk when they are with KD unsupervised.

Pat talked to the GAL today. She thinks that we should move the hearing out for another week so that she can have a chance to talk to the kids and their counselor so she can make a recommendation on whether or not supervision should continue. I do not want it pushed out another week because that gives KD another week to put #4 in a different daycare. She hated the daycare, but KD doesn’t care. That is one of the things that I pointed out in my reply declaration. My concern is for the children’s best interests, but not once does he address the children’s best interests in his response.

They may be a lot to handle, and trust me they are, but they are mine. Love me, love them. Alex said today that we can’t move in together because he has a felling he would begin to resent me, especially if he was at home with all six kids while I was at work/school. He says that he knows we should be a team, he just wants me to know how he feels. I told him that I didn’t know what to say to him.  I also told him that part of me has always known that no matter how many times he brings it up, it will never happen. Part of me wanted to yell and scream at him. Part of me understands. Part of me wants to be angry with him, but I can’t. A friend told me that I need someone who will accept the whole package that I am. I told her that I know. However, the problem is that actions speak louder than words and no matter how many times he tells me he can’t, he is still here. He still tries.

I don’t know how much longer he will keep trying. I know the situation is wearing thin on him. It is wearing thin on me too, but I love him. We both need to accept that our relationship is what it is, or just walk away. I can’t won’t walk away.

I have figured out that he will never let me live down the fact that I answered with something other than yes when he asked me to be his wife. What would it change? No, really. What would be different? He would know for certain that I am head over heels in love with him and want nothing more than for us to be a family. He should already know that. I haven’t gone anywhere and I don’t expect to, unless he finds someone else, and/or tells me to f*** off.