I am out of ideas

This is what we have been struggling with a lot lately. We assume the behavior is a cry for attention. However, we don’t want to reward the behavior. The consequences are not working and we are running out of ideas.

We have put a lock on our bedroom door, the pantry, and the freezer because someone is stealing. We do not starve them by any means. I can never pin point which one it actually is because I do not know which of them to actually believe.

It makes us both crabby which in turn makes them crabby which makes this place miserable for everyone. I honestly do not know what to do with any of them.

I feel like I am failing as a parent because I cannot seem to curb their behavior, I don’t know what is wrong with them, and I don’t know how to help them. I feel like I am failing as a wife because I can’t fix it.

I have one last final for this semester and it is tomorrow morning. I am trying to make my page of notes, but I cannot focus since we found out someone got into Alex’s briefcase and stole his cookie sometime today. This is the second time someone has stolen his cookie. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I had some genius ideas, but unfortunately I do not.

I graduate this weekend. I still have another semester left, but I can finally see the finish line and it is so nice. I just wish I wasn’t so nervous about having to leave the children unattended. It should not be a problem for children of their ages. 8-16, they should be fine, but we can’t seem to trust them.

Alex bought me a new/used car today for Graduation/Mother’s Day/my birthday. I love it!

I still don’t know how I got him, or why he chose me, but I am glad he did.

Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am trying to get to a point that I can focus on the last of my notes page. Now, I am exhausted and not sure that I really have anything left to put on it. I still have some space. I may put a little more on some of the cases, but maybe in the morning.

I just don’t know what to do about these kids anymore, I really don’t. I can’t prove who did it. What am I going to do, ground all the ones that were home without us? Oh, wait, that was all of them at some point today, except #2. Why do they keep freaking pulling this shit?!?!

I know Alex reads these so I am scheduling it to publish after both of our days have started. I don’t want it to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I love him and I hope he knows that. I hate how much pain and frustration my baggage has brought him.

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

What is Going On??

I don’t know what to think about #1 anymore. Yesterday, she called me and told me that she missed her bus and would catch the next one. I expected her to be home a half hour late. However, she was two hours late. She was wearing one of her dresses that she is required to wear a tank top and shorts under. When she left yesterday, she was wearing both. When she got home last night, she was wearing neither. What do I do now? I am out of ideas. I scheduled her an appointment with a gynecologist to get an exam and on birth control. I have an intake scheduled for her to be assessed for mental health services, unless I can get her in tomorrow for a walk in appointment. She is going to my mother’s house for a bit. I am taking away all of her clothes that I do not want her to wear by itself. She is grounded to her room with the door open unless she is changing her clothes and if her door is closed for any reason, it will come off the hinges. She is not to be unsupervised. I told her that #2 is in charge for the summer. The only thing left to do is take everything out of her room, except her bed and clothes. Any other suggestions?????

As far as #2, he has been doing amazing babysitting #3 and #4!! His responsibility level has gone through the roof! I am so impressed. Last night, his counselor said, “if it ain’t broke, I can’ fix it.” His next appointment is not for another 3 weeks. He has not really had any of his fits lately. He had a little bit of one on Saturday when #1 set him off, but it was no where near what they used to be.

All of this stuff with #1 has been taking a toll on my studies. We have midterms the next two Mondays and I feel so unprepared.

 

Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

Quotes for today.

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This is #2. He needs the most, but everyone wants to give him the lady because of how he acts.

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Umm. Yes. All 6 kids do annoy me at times.

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3 cups of coffee,  not enough.

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I have been that close to losing it all day

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This is where so many fights start. Just LISTEN the first time.

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Oh, I’m sure I’m screwing them all up.

When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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Migraine Monday

Woke up yesterday with a migraine. Got it to go away, but it came back this morning when I woke up. It didn’t help any that Alex and the kids were all in moods. #1 go up before everyone, but just sat on the couch because she didn’t want to wake anyone up. Then when I got up I asked he to make the sandwiches for their lunches. She did that and headed for the shower. I asked that she wake up #4 and have her get dressed when she got out of the shower. She said ok and Alex thought she had an attitude.

Then #4 didn’t want to wear the outfit that was set out for her so she was bothering her sister. #1 didn’t get her stuff finished because she was spending the time dealing with her sister. Then she forgot to clean up her side of the room and didn’t flush her tampon and bloody toilet paper down the toilet. She had an attitude because I wouldn’t let her wear her high heels to school because she is going to her father’s and I have no desire to fight with him over her freaking shoes.

Then there was the boys who left a blanket on the floor downstairs, left the lid off the outside toys yesterday, and didn’t finish rinsing out the sink after breakfast. So, after having him in a mood all weekend because the kids started to get moody as the weekend went by, he was still in one this morning.

He cannot battle everything. I know that my kids are not perfect. I know that they have things that they need to work on and I know that I have things as a parent to work on. I just hope that it doesn’t come between us again. My kids are my number one priority, just as the girls are his. I just get scared when he gets like that. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he will decide again that I am not worth all that comes with me.

I didn’t get much of my school stuff done this weekend, but I don’t have to meet KD everyday so that will give me a little more time this week to work on it. I need to get a routine going.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am feeling overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed, it is time to go meet KD and give him #1 so he can take her to school.

Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.