A parent’s worst nightmare

You never think it can happen to you. Not in your family. You would know before it could happen in your family. These are just some of the lies we parents tell ourselves about teen suicide and attempted teen suicide. Guess what? They are just that, LIES. This can happen in any family. It happened in mine. We almost lost #1.

Friday was just like any other day. #1 was babysitting, Alex was at work, and I was finishing up the last of my school stuff. #1 seemed to be in a good mood in the morning, she was helping A1 and #4 go through their clothes to start the process of getting ready for school clothes. Then, she was irritated with some of them. She wanted to go lay down, but I told her that she had to stay on the main floor because she was the babysitter. I left school earlier than I planned, something told me I just needed to leave and go home. I texted #1 and asked if she maybe wanted to go to the grocery store with me, and she said yes.

Once I got home, her and left. She still seemed like she wasn’t in that great of a mood, but I figured some time away from the others and the house would be good for her. Bought us each a bottled coffee and she seemed to cheer up a little. Then, we were talking about college and she was getting into the conversation and her mood seemed to be improving. We were on our way to pick up pizza for dinner when she suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t think anything of it because she gets car sick sometimes. When we got to the pizza place, she told me that she needed to throw up, so she went to the bathroom and threw up. Then, we went to pick up #2 on our way home and she got sick in the driveway a couple times. She said she thought maybe the drink just didn’t agree with her. We got in the car and she still felt sick. When we got home, she said she needed a minute and then she would be in. Within five minutes, Alex was leaving to take A2 to a friend’s house and he hollered for me because she was faced down on the driveway convulsing.

We called 911. They got her in the ambulance and told me that she was responding appropriately. I followed the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, she started convulsing again. We thought that maybe she was just super dehydrated because she had been outside in the heat at a theme park the day before and no one had really seen her drink anything on Friday. They gave her anti seizure medicine and started running their tests. She was out of it, but some of that was from the medicine. They went to move her to the pediatric ICU and she seized again. They moved her and she continued to have seizures. They ended up hooking her up to a ventilator, a central line, an arterial blood pressure, an iv, and a catheter. She was essentially in a coma. At this point the doctors are perplexed because her tests were coming back mostly normal.

Once they got her stable, Alex and I went home to change and get some stuff for us. While we were home, we were trying to find the kids’ cell phone so we could give it to the boys while they were at the neighbor’s house. I was looking through her room and found a baggie under her pillow that had about 2 1/2 months of her wellbutrin in it. We only give her a week at a time, so I now know that she has not been taking it for awhile and we start to figure out that she probably took some of those, but we do not know how many because we don’t know how long it has been since she stopped taking them. Alex called the hospital and told the doctor. Her symptoms fit.

She did not wake up enough to get the ventilator out until yesterday morning. They just moved out of ICU a little while ago. She will be in the hospital for awhile. She is in a regular room right now, but she will have to go to the pediatric psychiatry ward before she can go home.

GM talked to A1 to see if she could figure out why. Apparently she hates me and KD told her that she was the biggest mistake of his life and it is her fault that he cannot see the others.

I saw the text messages between the two older girls. #1 says she hates me and A1 says that everyone hates me.

What is wrong with KD??? Does he not realize that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have the other kids? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would not likely have gotten back together, let alone get married and have three more kids. Even with that, I went home yesterday to get her some things and laid on her bed, looked up and right there was a picture of him holding her when she was about 2 1/2. I know it is his loss, but it was almost my loss too. Why the F*** would you say that to anyone, let alone a teenage girl????

While she was out, I told her how much I love her and how much I am me because of her. Told her the truth, she is the person that taught me you can love someone more than you love yourself. I am here for her. I know I am her mom, but d*mmit I AM HER MOM! No one in this world loves her as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. I really don’t.

I just keep thinking about the last few months. How did I miss that she was so unhappy? How did I not know that she had stopped taking her medicine?

I hadn’t told her anything about what happened because I wanted to see if she would remember/admit to what happened. Last night, she asked me when she could go home and I told her that she would be there through the end of the week at least. I told her that she had to be able to answer their questions and do what they asked of her first. She said she thought she remembered what happened. When I asked her what happened and she told me that she did not want to tell me. I told her that we had already figured out what happened, so she wanted me to tell her and I told her not until she told me. She didn’t want to tell me, so I asked if she would tell the nurse if I left, she said yes so I left. She told the nurse that she took 21 of her pills.

After she was done talking to the nurse, she let me cuddle up to her on the bed. She was my baby girl again. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.

Now, we fight the uphill battle of getting her help. She is old enough to say that she doesn’t want to after they decide that she is safe enough to go home and I can’t stop her from telling them no. She is also smart enough to tell them what they want to hear so that she can just go home. I think that scares me more than anything else. I don’t know how things are going to play out, especially once she comes home. She won’t be able to be alone for awhile. We will have to lock everything up that is not already, including tylenol.

I am scared that I will lose her. I can’t lose her. I don’t think she understands how much she means to me and how much I want to be here for her and help her, if only she would let me.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. If something feels off, it probably is.

I have heard this song a couple times over the last few days and I printed the lyrics out for her. I want her to know I am here for her, always. Stand by You by Rachel Platton.

Alex has been right by her side too. I hope she realizes that we both love her more than she will ever know. And we are not the only ones.

I am out of ideas

This is what we have been struggling with a lot lately. We assume the behavior is a cry for attention. However, we don’t want to reward the behavior. The consequences are not working and we are running out of ideas.

We have put a lock on our bedroom door, the pantry, and the freezer because someone is stealing. We do not starve them by any means. I can never pin point which one it actually is because I do not know which of them to actually believe.

It makes us both crabby which in turn makes them crabby which makes this place miserable for everyone. I honestly do not know what to do with any of them.

I feel like I am failing as a parent because I cannot seem to curb their behavior, I don’t know what is wrong with them, and I don’t know how to help them. I feel like I am failing as a wife because I can’t fix it.

I have one last final for this semester and it is tomorrow morning. I am trying to make my page of notes, but I cannot focus since we found out someone got into Alex’s briefcase and stole his cookie sometime today. This is the second time someone has stolen his cookie. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I had some genius ideas, but unfortunately I do not.

I graduate this weekend. I still have another semester left, but I can finally see the finish line and it is so nice. I just wish I wasn’t so nervous about having to leave the children unattended. It should not be a problem for children of their ages. 8-16, they should be fine, but we can’t seem to trust them.

Alex bought me a new/used car today for Graduation/Mother’s Day/my birthday. I love it!

I still don’t know how I got him, or why he chose me, but I am glad he did.

Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am trying to get to a point that I can focus on the last of my notes page. Now, I am exhausted and not sure that I really have anything left to put on it. I still have some space. I may put a little more on some of the cases, but maybe in the morning.

I just don’t know what to do about these kids anymore, I really don’t. I can’t prove who did it. What am I going to do, ground all the ones that were home without us? Oh, wait, that was all of them at some point today, except #2. Why do they keep freaking pulling this shit?!?!

I know Alex reads these so I am scheduling it to publish after both of our days have started. I don’t want it to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I love him and I hope he knows that. I hate how much pain and frustration my baggage has brought him.

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

What is Going On??

I don’t know what to think about #1 anymore. Yesterday, she called me and told me that she missed her bus and would catch the next one. I expected her to be home a half hour late. However, she was two hours late. She was wearing one of her dresses that she is required to wear a tank top and shorts under. When she left yesterday, she was wearing both. When she got home last night, she was wearing neither. What do I do now? I am out of ideas. I scheduled her an appointment with a gynecologist to get an exam and on birth control. I have an intake scheduled for her to be assessed for mental health services, unless I can get her in tomorrow for a walk in appointment. She is going to my mother’s house for a bit. I am taking away all of her clothes that I do not want her to wear by itself. She is grounded to her room with the door open unless she is changing her clothes and if her door is closed for any reason, it will come off the hinges. She is not to be unsupervised. I told her that #2 is in charge for the summer. The only thing left to do is take everything out of her room, except her bed and clothes. Any other suggestions?????

As far as #2, he has been doing amazing babysitting #3 and #4!! His responsibility level has gone through the roof! I am so impressed. Last night, his counselor said, “if it ain’t broke, I can’ fix it.” His next appointment is not for another 3 weeks. He has not really had any of his fits lately. He had a little bit of one on Saturday when #1 set him off, but it was no where near what they used to be.

All of this stuff with #1 has been taking a toll on my studies. We have midterms the next two Mondays and I feel so unprepared.

 

Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

Quotes for today.

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This is #2. He needs the most, but everyone wants to give him the lady because of how he acts.

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Umm. Yes. All 6 kids do annoy me at times.

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3 cups of coffee,  not enough.

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I have been that close to losing it all day

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This is where so many fights start. Just LISTEN the first time.

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Oh, I’m sure I’m screwing them all up.

When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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Migraine Monday

Woke up yesterday with a migraine. Got it to go away, but it came back this morning when I woke up. It didn’t help any that Alex and the kids were all in moods. #1 go up before everyone, but just sat on the couch because she didn’t want to wake anyone up. Then when I got up I asked he to make the sandwiches for their lunches. She did that and headed for the shower. I asked that she wake up #4 and have her get dressed when she got out of the shower. She said ok and Alex thought she had an attitude.

Then #4 didn’t want to wear the outfit that was set out for her so she was bothering her sister. #1 didn’t get her stuff finished because she was spending the time dealing with her sister. Then she forgot to clean up her side of the room and didn’t flush her tampon and bloody toilet paper down the toilet. She had an attitude because I wouldn’t let her wear her high heels to school because she is going to her father’s and I have no desire to fight with him over her freaking shoes.

Then there was the boys who left a blanket on the floor downstairs, left the lid off the outside toys yesterday, and didn’t finish rinsing out the sink after breakfast. So, after having him in a mood all weekend because the kids started to get moody as the weekend went by, he was still in one this morning.

He cannot battle everything. I know that my kids are not perfect. I know that they have things that they need to work on and I know that I have things as a parent to work on. I just hope that it doesn’t come between us again. My kids are my number one priority, just as the girls are his. I just get scared when he gets like that. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he will decide again that I am not worth all that comes with me.

I didn’t get much of my school stuff done this weekend, but I don’t have to meet KD everyday so that will give me a little more time this week to work on it. I need to get a routine going.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am feeling overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed, it is time to go meet KD and give him #1 so he can take her to school.

Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!