Just A Failure

That’s what I must be. I have failed at being a wife, twice now. I have obviously failed at being a mother. I have failed at being a friend, that’s why my only friends work with me, are Alex’s friend’s, or don’t talk to me.

If I am not a failure of a mother, why does my daughter not talk to me? Why is she not going to graduate? Why did she try to kill herself? Why do my children lie and steal? Why did my son touch his sister? Why do my children steal? Why does my 9 year old want to hurt herself? Why does my husband hate my children?

This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.

When isn’t love enough?

How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.

He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.

I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.

When do you know love is no longer enough?

Fear and Anxiety

Fear and Anxiety

Monday

My marriage is falling apart and I do not know what to do anymore. Just when it looks like things may be improving, they aren’t. I am tired. I downloaded some books on marriage counseling and how to help your marriage, Alex saw them on the Amazon order history and asked if they were for work. Seriously? Do you not see that our marriage is falling apart around us?

I have thought about and looked into marriage counseling, but he doesn’t seem to think it will do any good. Well, apparently we didn’t learn our lesson. I have thought about finding my own place, but I love my husband.

I have tried to tell him how I feel, but I really do not think that he was even listening to me the last time, at least it did not feel like it. I have been standing up to him more when he says something that pisses me off, but not sure that does any good either.

A1 and A2 are unhappy and the world is ending. The other are unhappy, they must have done something wrong. A1 has a D in an easy class, its ok because “no one will let her take their picture,” but when #3 had a C in the same class, he was just being lazy. A1 always has an excuse, but hers are believed, no matter how many times they are not her fault.

A1 and #1 could do the same thing, independent of each other and #1 will probably be the only one who gets in trouble for it. A2 and #4 do the same thing and #4 will be the “whiny baby.”

Tuesday

I am trying so hard to focus at the office, but I feel like my entire life is falling apart and I am failing at everything. There is not enough money coming in the office to pay my check. My marriage is falling apart, I don’t even feel like Alex cares if I leave anymore. #1 is starting to skip again. #3 hasn’t been to his PE class in over a week, but swears he was…

What have I done wrong?????

Last night, I could not fall asleep so I read my book and then cried myself to sleep. Today, Alex gave me a one-armed hug before he left.

Is it gone?

As I lay here in bed listening to my 100+ pound dog snore, I wonder what is happening to my life. I have worked hard to try to do what was best for my family, but I keep feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m alone. The one person I’m supposed to be able to talk to gets mad at me and doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m his enemy. I hate it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I’ve already lost him.

Sometimes I just want to run away from being me. Work, home, kids, family, responsibilities, clients, all of it. But then I remember that despite it all, I love them. I love my kids, I want the best for them. I don’t want to coddle them, but I dont want to lose them either. I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him, but I hate how unhappy he is. I just feel like he regrets me.

I just don’t know because we don’t talk. We fight, we jab. We both get defensive, but we don’t talk anymore. I miss that. I miss telling him how I felt, no matter what. I miss all of it. I hope it’s not gone. I hope its just hiding and we can pull it back out. Our toolbox is broken, but how do we fix it when one won’t help? I can’t do it alone.

Really?!?

So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.

What’s left? 

What do you say when everything has been said, but nothing is truly heard? How do you talk to someone who is always right or never does anything wrong? How do you help someone who won’t help themselves, or even admit there’s a problem? I’m tired. My heart hurts. I see everyone around me unhappy and hurting and I feel helpless. I get told that I just have to break. Why? So I can try to glue myself back together? I can’t break. I don’t have time and I have to figure out how to keep my family from falling apart.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

Not getting better

I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know Image result for don't let gowhat to say. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I feel like I am losing everything. My husband is mad at me, at least 4/6 children are mad at me for one reason or another (siding with Alex, being too hard on them, evil stepmother, you know the usual), I can’t focus on school. I know it could be worse, but right now I don’t feel like it.

I can’tImage result for miss you eat. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I tried to find a counselor, but the place I called could not seem to get my insurances to work together so that was out the window. Stupidly, I suggested that we find a counselor together, but Alex made it pretty clear that was a horrible idea.

I can’t even find music to match my mood, Image result for don't let goPandora keeps playing love songs. Yeah, that’s what I want to hear right now. Songs that remind me how bad things are right now between us. He keeps telling me he’s tired. Makes me worry how long he will hold on to us. He says I pulled him out of a dark place when we met, but what happens if it is us that puts him back?

I just feel lost and alone. So alone.

 

F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…