A parent’s worst nightmare

You never think it can happen to you. Not in your family. You would know before it could happen in your family. These are just some of the lies we parents tell ourselves about teen suicide and attempted teen suicide. Guess what? They are just that, LIES. This can happen in any family. It happened in mine. We almost lost #1.

Friday was just like any other day. #1 was babysitting, Alex was at work, and I was finishing up the last of my school stuff. #1 seemed to be in a good mood in the morning, she was helping A1 and #4 go through their clothes to start the process of getting ready for school clothes. Then, she was irritated with some of them. She wanted to go lay down, but I told her that she had to stay on the main floor because she was the babysitter. I left school earlier than I planned, something told me I just needed to leave and go home. I texted #1 and asked if she maybe wanted to go to the grocery store with me, and she said yes.

Once I got home, her and left. She still seemed like she wasn’t in that great of a mood, but I figured some time away from the others and the house would be good for her. Bought us each a bottled coffee and she seemed to cheer up a little. Then, we were talking about college and she was getting into the conversation and her mood seemed to be improving. We were on our way to pick up pizza for dinner when she suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t think anything of it because she gets car sick sometimes. When we got to the pizza place, she told me that she needed to throw up, so she went to the bathroom and threw up. Then, we went to pick up #2 on our way home and she got sick in the driveway a couple times. She said she thought maybe the drink just didn’t agree with her. We got in the car and she still felt sick. When we got home, she said she needed a minute and then she would be in. Within five minutes, Alex was leaving to take A2 to a friend’s house and he hollered for me because she was faced down on the driveway convulsing.

We called 911. They got her in the ambulance and told me that she was responding appropriately. I followed the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, she started convulsing again. We thought that maybe she was just super dehydrated because she had been outside in the heat at a theme park the day before and no one had really seen her drink anything on Friday. They gave her anti seizure medicine and started running their tests. She was out of it, but some of that was from the medicine. They went to move her to the pediatric ICU and she seized again. They moved her and she continued to have seizures. They ended up hooking her up to a ventilator, a central line, an arterial blood pressure, an iv, and a catheter. She was essentially in a coma. At this point the doctors are perplexed because her tests were coming back mostly normal.

Once they got her stable, Alex and I went home to change and get some stuff for us. While we were home, we were trying to find the kids’ cell phone so we could give it to the boys while they were at the neighbor’s house. I was looking through her room and found a baggie under her pillow that had about 2 1/2 months of her wellbutrin in it. We only give her a week at a time, so I now know that she has not been taking it for awhile and we start to figure out that she probably took some of those, but we do not know how many because we don’t know how long it has been since she stopped taking them. Alex called the hospital and told the doctor. Her symptoms fit.

She did not wake up enough to get the ventilator out until yesterday morning. They just moved out of ICU a little while ago. She will be in the hospital for awhile. She is in a regular room right now, but she will have to go to the pediatric psychiatry ward before she can go home.

GM talked to A1 to see if she could figure out why. Apparently she hates me and KD told her that she was the biggest mistake of his life and it is her fault that he cannot see the others.

I saw the text messages between the two older girls. #1 says she hates me and A1 says that everyone hates me.

What is wrong with KD??? Does he not realize that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have the other kids? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would not likely have gotten back together, let alone get married and have three more kids. Even with that, I went home yesterday to get her some things and laid on her bed, looked up and right there was a picture of him holding her when she was about 2 1/2. I know it is his loss, but it was almost my loss too. Why the F*** would you say that to anyone, let alone a teenage girl????

While she was out, I told her how much I love her and how much I am me because of her. Told her the truth, she is the person that taught me you can love someone more than you love yourself. I am here for her. I know I am her mom, but d*mmit I AM HER MOM! No one in this world loves her as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. I really don’t.

I just keep thinking about the last few months. How did I miss that she was so unhappy? How did I not know that she had stopped taking her medicine?

I hadn’t told her anything about what happened because I wanted to see if she would remember/admit to what happened. Last night, she asked me when she could go home and I told her that she would be there through the end of the week at least. I told her that she had to be able to answer their questions and do what they asked of her first. She said she thought she remembered what happened. When I asked her what happened and she told me that she did not want to tell me. I told her that we had already figured out what happened, so she wanted me to tell her and I told her not until she told me. She didn’t want to tell me, so I asked if she would tell the nurse if I left, she said yes so I left. She told the nurse that she took 21 of her pills.

After she was done talking to the nurse, she let me cuddle up to her on the bed. She was my baby girl again. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.

Now, we fight the uphill battle of getting her help. She is old enough to say that she doesn’t want to after they decide that she is safe enough to go home and I can’t stop her from telling them no. She is also smart enough to tell them what they want to hear so that she can just go home. I think that scares me more than anything else. I don’t know how things are going to play out, especially once she comes home. She won’t be able to be alone for awhile. We will have to lock everything up that is not already, including tylenol.

I am scared that I will lose her. I can’t lose her. I don’t think she understands how much she means to me and how much I want to be here for her and help her, if only she would let me.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. If something feels off, it probably is.

I have heard this song a couple times over the last few days and I printed the lyrics out for her. I want her to know I am here for her, always. Stand by You by Rachel Platton.

Alex has been right by her side too. I hope she realizes that we both love her more than she will ever know. And we are not the only ones.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.