Sunday Ramblings

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I really don’t even know what to write. I can’t seem to focus on anything, but I guess that is why I went to my doctor to restart my antidepressant. Alex and I fight about everything. I question what he says or does when I don’t understand and it starts a fight. Am I supposed to just sit and stew on it instead? I just don’t understand. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, but I feel like the distance between us is only increasing. The kids all seem to feel it. Some play on it, others ignore it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I love A1 and A2, despite what they think. Well, I am pretty certain that A1 knows it. For the most part, she even acts like she loves me too. A2, on the other hand, I am pretty sure that she wishes me and mine would just drop off the face of her world. Alex does things to avoid making #4 mad, especially when it comes to #4. A2 treats #4 worse than #3 treats #4, but he only calls out #3. I say something and it is, of course, #4’s fault because she has too much energy, or whatever.

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More and more I wonder if Alex regrets moving us in to the house, or even bringing me into his life for that matter. I love my husband, but i hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I know I am the central cause of that unhappiness. I feel like we are more roommates than partners or team members. Neither of us deserve that.

We try to keep up on our date nights and go to our counseling appointments every two weeks. I feel like there is so much more that is missing. The touch of a hand, the random words of love and support, the messages that say hey, I just heard this song and thought of you. I know it is both of us, but I don’t know how to fix it. I am not even sure I know when the last time either of us said I love you to the other one. I really just want to curl up and cry.

I heard from #1, the first time since her graduation. Yes, she graduated, barely, but she did. She only contacted me because she needs me to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA. Little does she know, her FAFSA is done, except er signature. I will tell her when she comes by the office to get her SS card and mail (FAFSA info).

#2 has been fairly MIA for summer break, which is fine. He has worked at the boys and girls club, hung out with my grandmother, and helped his grandparents. I have a feeling that he will move out when he turns 18, so long as he gets a job before then. Regardless of still having another year of high school. He has not been consistently taking his medicine.

#3…well…where do I start…in the last two weeks of school, he accused a teacher of ripping his back pack off his back. Of course, it was false. There were not any real consequences for him. The school let him stay in the office during that teacher’s class so that the teacher did not have to see him. Since it was so late in the school year, the school did not have after school detention. I have made him write apology letters, and he will continue to write them until I am satisfied with them. Then, he had summer school because he was not turning stuff in for a different class all semester and failed the class. I got him signed up for the half credit of summer school and took him to the orientation. The days were three hours long. He was done before the end of the third day. He said the work was like third grade work. This pisses me off as a parent and as a tax payer. I plan to talk to the school district. He and I got into a fight because he refused to clean the kitchen. I am looking into a residential treatment facility out of the state so that it is not optional for him to attend. I then gave him the option of me continuing with looking into it or him attending regular counseling. He did not give me a decision. He treats #4 like crap. I do not know how to teach her that how she is treated by some of her siblings is not how she deserves to be treated.

A1 finished school with all As. She has her moments, but seems to be trying to step up regarding #4 with #1 being gone. She knows things aren’t right, she can feel it.

A2 also finished school with all As. She is as pissy as ever. If she is not snuggled up to Alex, she is pouting. The other day, the three girls were on the couch, #4 was in the middle. A1 invited one of the dogs up between her and #4. I suggested #4 scoot over, she did, but was very careful to stay on her cushion. You would have thought that #4 sat on her lap the way she reacted, eye roll, huffing, the whole nine yards. Last night, Alex had #3 sit in the middle in the truck because heaven forbid A2 have to sit next to #4. I had literally just told all of them that #4 would be sitting in the middle since she is shorter because since the boys have gotten so tall, Alex gets mad at the boys for sitting in the middle. When we went to dinner, it was a big booth, but not big enough for Alex, A2, and I (the three biggest butts in the family, not picking on anyone, just stating the obvious). A2 always sits next to Alex when we go out, if she doesn’t she sits and pouts nonstop. Alex got mad because I said I thought that maybe she should sit on the kids’ side. Dinner was fabulous.

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#4 is rambunctious. There is no debating that. She is starting to take after her siblings in the lazy department and I am working on it. A2 and #3 talk to her like she is garbage. I am trying to get her not to internalize that.

I am hoping that we can work through all of these issues, sooner rather than later. I do not want to lose my best friend, but I worry I already have. I guess more what I want is my best friend back.

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This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.

A parent’s worst nightmare

You never think it can happen to you. Not in your family. You would know before it could happen in your family. These are just some of the lies we parents tell ourselves about teen suicide and attempted teen suicide. Guess what? They are just that, LIES. This can happen in any family. It happened in mine. We almost lost #1.

Friday was just like any other day. #1 was babysitting, Alex was at work, and I was finishing up the last of my school stuff. #1 seemed to be in a good mood in the morning, she was helping A1 and #4 go through their clothes to start the process of getting ready for school clothes. Then, she was irritated with some of them. She wanted to go lay down, but I told her that she had to stay on the main floor because she was the babysitter. I left school earlier than I planned, something told me I just needed to leave and go home. I texted #1 and asked if she maybe wanted to go to the grocery store with me, and she said yes.

Once I got home, her and left. She still seemed like she wasn’t in that great of a mood, but I figured some time away from the others and the house would be good for her. Bought us each a bottled coffee and she seemed to cheer up a little. Then, we were talking about college and she was getting into the conversation and her mood seemed to be improving. We were on our way to pick up pizza for dinner when she suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t think anything of it because she gets car sick sometimes. When we got to the pizza place, she told me that she needed to throw up, so she went to the bathroom and threw up. Then, we went to pick up #2 on our way home and she got sick in the driveway a couple times. She said she thought maybe the drink just didn’t agree with her. We got in the car and she still felt sick. When we got home, she said she needed a minute and then she would be in. Within five minutes, Alex was leaving to take A2 to a friend’s house and he hollered for me because she was faced down on the driveway convulsing.

We called 911. They got her in the ambulance and told me that she was responding appropriately. I followed the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, she started convulsing again. We thought that maybe she was just super dehydrated because she had been outside in the heat at a theme park the day before and no one had really seen her drink anything on Friday. They gave her anti seizure medicine and started running their tests. She was out of it, but some of that was from the medicine. They went to move her to the pediatric ICU and she seized again. They moved her and she continued to have seizures. They ended up hooking her up to a ventilator, a central line, an arterial blood pressure, an iv, and a catheter. She was essentially in a coma. At this point the doctors are perplexed because her tests were coming back mostly normal.

Once they got her stable, Alex and I went home to change and get some stuff for us. While we were home, we were trying to find the kids’ cell phone so we could give it to the boys while they were at the neighbor’s house. I was looking through her room and found a baggie under her pillow that had about 2 1/2 months of her wellbutrin in it. We only give her a week at a time, so I now know that she has not been taking it for awhile and we start to figure out that she probably took some of those, but we do not know how many because we don’t know how long it has been since she stopped taking them. Alex called the hospital and told the doctor. Her symptoms fit.

She did not wake up enough to get the ventilator out until yesterday morning. They just moved out of ICU a little while ago. She will be in the hospital for awhile. She is in a regular room right now, but she will have to go to the pediatric psychiatry ward before she can go home.

GM talked to A1 to see if she could figure out why. Apparently she hates me and KD told her that she was the biggest mistake of his life and it is her fault that he cannot see the others.

I saw the text messages between the two older girls. #1 says she hates me and A1 says that everyone hates me.

What is wrong with KD??? Does he not realize that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have the other kids? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would not likely have gotten back together, let alone get married and have three more kids. Even with that, I went home yesterday to get her some things and laid on her bed, looked up and right there was a picture of him holding her when she was about 2 1/2. I know it is his loss, but it was almost my loss too. Why the F*** would you say that to anyone, let alone a teenage girl????

While she was out, I told her how much I love her and how much I am me because of her. Told her the truth, she is the person that taught me you can love someone more than you love yourself. I am here for her. I know I am her mom, but d*mmit I AM HER MOM! No one in this world loves her as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. I really don’t.

I just keep thinking about the last few months. How did I miss that she was so unhappy? How did I not know that she had stopped taking her medicine?

I hadn’t told her anything about what happened because I wanted to see if she would remember/admit to what happened. Last night, she asked me when she could go home and I told her that she would be there through the end of the week at least. I told her that she had to be able to answer their questions and do what they asked of her first. She said she thought she remembered what happened. When I asked her what happened and she told me that she did not want to tell me. I told her that we had already figured out what happened, so she wanted me to tell her and I told her not until she told me. She didn’t want to tell me, so I asked if she would tell the nurse if I left, she said yes so I left. She told the nurse that she took 21 of her pills.

After she was done talking to the nurse, she let me cuddle up to her on the bed. She was my baby girl again. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.

Now, we fight the uphill battle of getting her help. She is old enough to say that she doesn’t want to after they decide that she is safe enough to go home and I can’t stop her from telling them no. She is also smart enough to tell them what they want to hear so that she can just go home. I think that scares me more than anything else. I don’t know how things are going to play out, especially once she comes home. She won’t be able to be alone for awhile. We will have to lock everything up that is not already, including tylenol.

I am scared that I will lose her. I can’t lose her. I don’t think she understands how much she means to me and how much I want to be here for her and help her, if only she would let me.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. If something feels off, it probably is.

I have heard this song a couple times over the last few days and I printed the lyrics out for her. I want her to know I am here for her, always. Stand by You by Rachel Platton.

Alex has been right by her side too. I hope she realizes that we both love her more than she will ever know. And we are not the only ones.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.