F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…

It mattered to me

It mattered to me. Bottom line. When you love someone, if something matters to them, it matters to you by default. That is love. Lets use children as an example. Has your child ever had a passion for something that you could care less about? What do you do when your child starts to talk about it? Do you ignore them? No. You listen intently and ask questions. Why? You can tell that this subject matters to your child. Therefore, it matters to you. This is how relationships work. It does not matter what the relationship: parent-child, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, friends, you get the point.

Tonight, I was in a collision. I will tell you straight off that everyone walked away. I picked up #1, #2, and #3 from the bus and went to a meeting with my attorney. When we left the attorney’s office, we were discussing what to have for dinner and headed to pick up #4. I was about 5 minutes from the daycare when it happened.

I drove through a green light and suddenly the pickup in front of me stopped. I hit my brakes and tried to swerve, but it was too late. My car hit hard enough that my airbags deployed. My ears were ringing, the smell from the airbag was nauseating, the horn would not stop, and #1 was freaking out. Pulled into a parking lot and the first thing I did was ask how the kids were. #2 was fine, #3 was just in a lap belt and had a sore belly, and #1 had ringing in her ears. Next thing I did was ask the gentleman I hit if he was okay. He was fine. Then, the important question…how was his vehicle? He stated that his vehicle was fine. He tried to convince me that I needed to not drive my car because I was leaking fluid. In tears, I told him that I did not have a choice because I needed to at least get it home. He went to his truck, came back and said that even though he was fine and so was his truck, we still needed to exchange information. This is when my tears really began to flow. You see, I don’t have insurance. Even if I did, it probably would only be liability. He said that he was certain him and his truck were fine, but we exchanged information, just in case.

After much struggle, I finally got #1 to get back in the car. She was freaked out. We made it to the daycare (with no power steering and me watching to make sure I didn’t overheat), but when we tried to leave, the car would not start. I could not even get the hood open. I called CE, he came and grabbed the kids and took them home for me. I called my step-mom, freaking out and she reminded me that her brother lives in town. She gave me his number (that whole part of the family is mechanics) and I called to see if he could help me get it started so I could at least get it home. My uncle came and told me that it was not going to start so I needed to tow it. His truck would not tow it, but my cousin’s would. So, we went and grabbed my cousin and they towed the car back to my house. My cousin is fairly optimistic that he can fix the car for a couple hundred dollars as long as he can find the parts at the junk yard. I don’t have the money for that, but it is better than being totaled. He is going to come over in the next few days and look to see what all it needs. Once we figure out what it will cost, I will see if there is any way that he can afford to cover it and let me make payments to him. Otherwise, I am going to have to see what, if anything, my grandparents can do. My grandma here is going to share her car with me for a little while. I am going to see what I can come up with as far as car pooling or something to get to and from work and see what options I have as far as getting the kids to the bus in the mornings and home after school.

I did try to call Alex, but knew he had the girls tonight and didn’t expect anything from him except for maybe a comforting word or two. He didn’t answer the phone, but he texted me a little bit later and asked if everything was okay and I told him “no, not really.” He called immediately. I told him what happened and it really didn’t make me feel better. After I picked up my grandma’s car, I tried to call him because it was after the girls’ bedtime so I figured that I would update him and maybe hear something comforting. I really didn’t hear anything so I wasn’t sure that he had not just answered the phone in a half-sleep stupor. Then, I got a text telling me that he was glad that everyone was okay and he really didn’t know what else to say to me. I told him that something comforting, maybe tell me that at least everyone is okay, maybe tell me that everything will be okay, I don’t know. I never heard back from him. Comfort was what I needed from him, and what I got instead hurt.

I was starting to feel sore as I started to relax so I took some medicine and two hours later, it is finally making me drowsy. Good night world.

I too am overwhelmed by me

I am not sure where Alex and I stand right now. I know that I fully overwhelmed him yesterday. I know that I have a lot of baggage that comes with me and the fact that he cannot help me bothers him. I know it bothers him that I have no quick answers for him about how I am going to get through this stage of my life.

So, on Monday, I got a voicemail from the new apartment owner telling me that if my payments continue to be late, they will have to terminate my lease and I have until Friday to finish paying my rent. I have given them $440. I have a message into my mother’s exhusband to see if he can help me. My mom also told me to call an old friend of hers that is like family to me. I am the closest thing to a kid that this guy has. So, later today, I am going to call him and see if her can help me. My paycheck on the fifth will be large enough to cover my rent for October. Then, I just need to work as much as they will possibly let me so that my checks are big enough to get caught up.

Then, yesterday, my new supervisor and her boss took me into a meeting and told me that my tone of voice on calls comes across as rude and if I have one more not great call, I am out the door. I lost it. I am glad that my lunch was scheduled for right after that because I do not think that I could have gotten back on the phone. I talked to my former supervisor about it and she told me how I can fight it. I will still be terminated, but my response to it will be included.

As far as Alex, I think that we need to sit down and talk, not just via text and email. We need to actually talk. I wasn’t going to tell him about the rent and what happened about my job because I did not want to stress him out, but I decided that I needed to tell him because otherwise I am going right back into the lack of communication that killed my marriage (among other things that killed it). I do not want us to get to the point that we cannot stand each other. I want to be able to be friends. I would rather get along with him and have him in my life than not have him in my life. I think that the hardest part of being friends would be when one of us starts to see someone else. I know that I want him to be happy, but that does not mean it will be easy to know that it is someone else making him happy any more than it would be easy for him to see someone else making me happy.

I can feel him pulling away and I wonder if maybe we should try to take a break so that we can both get a handle on our own lives and figure out what it is that each of us wants. If we are meant to be together, we will get back together. If not, it will be a better way to go back to being just friends than if we have a nasty blow up.

I can feel my antidepressant working again. I slept through all five of my alarms this morning and both of the alarms in the kids’ rooms. I was up watching movies and thinking on my couch until after one this morning.

Well, my long lunch is over now. I need to go back to work. I am sure that I will post again later.

Relief

I’m not sure where to begin today. Hubby and I went to marriage counseling again this week. I made it clear to him and the therapist that I am only there for the communication because no matter what, we have to get along. I also made it clear that I am only in this marriage until CPS is out.

Last night, I told Hubby about Alex. He asked me if there was anything going on and I said yes. For starters, he already knew in his heart. For second, he will find out eventually. For third, I kept thinking about how upset Alex has been over “knowing” that his wife was seeing someone but her not confirming it. Hubby is upset. Said he already forgave me because he has been preparing himself for it. He doesn’t want me to have any contact with Alex except for by phone and text and not around him. I told him I could not promise that.

Today, I told my mom about Alex. She asked me one question and told me she already knew the answer but wanted to hear me say it. “Does he make you happy?” I told her yes and she said she could see it in my face. Then she asked when she could meet him.

I am trying to get a hold of the social worker so that I can find out what the consequences are if Hubby and I split. I am going to make a consultation appointment with Lawyer to see what she says and see what ideas she has.

I am scared that Alex will get tired of waiting on me. I already fell in love with him. He does make me happy and I like being happy. I know none of it will be easy, but I’m willing to give it a fair chance.

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What now?

What a long couple of days it has been. I do not even know where to start…

How about this. I am sitting in the school computer lab on my lunch break for two reasons: 1.) I do not want to go to the Christmas lunch and 2.) I do not want to run into Alex’s wife. I would like to tell you that things have been great over the last few days, but I would be lying. Things blew up at his house and I am not sure how long it will be before it reaches my house. Did I mention that Alex’s wife is taking a class with and is friends with Hubby’s cousin? And her new hair person is the cousin’s girlfriend? Yeah. Ok, so maybe I should have been a little more conscious of the possible reprecussions. However, I do not regret a thing that has happened between us.

I would have wanted to leave Hubby anyways. I have not been happy for a long time, but was too afraid to leave because I was afraid of being alone. Alex reminded me that someone can like me for me. Even if nothing ever works out between us, I cannot deny that he has helped me more ways than he will ever realize. I worry about him though. I have offered to back off so that he can get things under control and keep things civil for his split, but he tells me that he does not want me to go any where. He also told me that he does not want this to come back and hurt me and my kids.

We finally got more than an hour together. We went to dinner and talked. It was nice to just sit and talk, without a center console between us. If what I feel for Alex is not love or the beginning of it, I do not know what it is. I think about him almost constantly. When I am upset, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. When something good happens, I want to tell him about it. I want him to meet my family.

I told my Mom about the possibility of everything blowing up and why. She asked if I was having an affair, I told her no. I am not. We are friends. That does not matter though, it will not be seen that way. All I wonder is if and when Hubby’s cousin will say something to Hubby. Unless he asks around for a phone number, the only time he will have the chance is at a family function. I really hope that he has the decency not to say something at a family function.

What now? That is what I keep wondering. Should I finish the paperwork so that it is ready when it all blows? Should I bring it up so that I can curb the reaction before Hubby gets approached by someone else? I guess it does not matter what I say, Hubby will believe it is only a friendship any more than Alex’s wife believes it.

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Am I crazy??

I went into my counselor this morning. I talked to her more about Hubby and the marriage counselor. I also told her more about Alex. Her advice was to be careful because I am vulnerable; it is obvious that I have already made a decision about my marriage; and that no matter who I end up with after my divorce, we need to seek premarital counseling. I wonder if she has put the pieces together about me and Alex, or if she would be surprised if we showed up together.

Hubby is back to glossing over everything like life is fine. That is okay with me, it makes for less fighting. I am still scared about fighting over the kids. I do not want to lose them. I cannot lose my kids again, it would kill me. I went to the dentist on Monday and even after my insurance, I need about $350 worth of work. The most important part will cost me about $200. Grandma told me that she will cover that, I just need to make the appointment.

I am afraid of my feelings for Alex. I know I have said it before, but I do not want any of you to think that I am taking this lightly. I do consider all the things that need to happen before we can ever have a real relationship. For starters, two divorces. Next, counseling for all six kids and the two of us. My kids and I need to find somewhere to live because I am sure that I will not be able to keep the house. I will start back to work on January 2. I am very excited about that.

Graduation is in May. My dad and step mom are coming up for it and it will be nice to see them. I am nervous about them meeting Alex. I am curious about how my dad will react, but I know that if I am happy, he will be happy for me. My step mom has already heard plenty about Alex. She just reminds me that I need to be careful. I am trying to be, but it is hard. I like who I am when I am with Alex. I am happy and relaxed. I feel important. I feel like he cares about me for me. I just hope I am not wrong. I do not think I could handle having my heart broken so soon.

Another day in paradise…

I wrote you an entire post during work today. Too bad I cannot actually use it since I cannot email outside of the building AND I cannot bring anything on or off the floor.

The biggest part of the post was that the not knowing is killing me. One minute, Hubby acts like everything is fine and the next, he is getting mad at me for something. I just wish he would stay mad at me or not, but not both.

Like this morning, I got up and there was a note telling me how much he loves me and appreciates all I do for our family. Just a couple days ago, it was how horrible I was because I did not do enough.

Alex asked me the other day if I could go it alone with the kids. I could in every way except financially. I would have to make some other changes, but we would be able to make it. We have done it before and we were fine.

It started again today. This time Hubby was complaining about the fact that I had requested today off, but never received a response because of how late I requested it. Like I have control over what they do?? I did get off early, but I did not want to go home. When I did get home, Hubby had a friend over. So, I found an excuse to leave. I had no desire to sit alone in my living room when he was the one who wanted me to come home early.

I cannot tell you enough times how nice it has been to have Alex to talk to. More importantly, he listens. He reminds me that I need time for me.

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Fighting or Pretending??

Friendship

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Which is worse fighting or acting like nothing is wrong? I hate it when he acts like nothing has happened. Then, I feel guilty for knowing that something is wrong. That is mostly how today has been. We did fight some, but I could not tell what it was about because we have fought so much over the last few days about so many different things. I am at the point that I just do not want to fight anymore. Alex told me today that I need to talk to Hubby because otherwise it will fester. I know that, but I am just tired of fighting.

Just last night, Alex texted me. When Hubby asked who it was, I told him it was one of the guys from my group at school. He freaked out on me because I gave out my cell phone number. Really? What he does not realize is that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have someone I can talk to.

Alex suggested that I talk to a counselor. In fact, he even suggested one. I have considered it, except that I do not have time to talk to a counselor. I already get yelled at when I have class or work. I should talk to my doctor about the fact that I think I am depressed, but the last time I went to the doctor, her new nurse was a lady from church. That is the last thing I need.

A point was brought up to me today…if God is up there, why does he let us all suffer so long? I know all the usual arguments about sin, free will, and choice…but I just do not understand. He is supposed to be such a loving God. I know I would never allow my children to suffer if I could end it. Why does God let His children suffer?

Part of the reason that I put up with all of this is because I do not want my children to have to put up with us being divorced. On the other hand, I know it is not fair to make my children put up with the fighting and the tension. I am lost as to what to do. I wish that someone would just tell me what to do.

Can’t he just be nice once?

I went to a funeral today for my stepfather‘s grandma. As I told everyone today, Grandma was gone a long time ago. We just buried her body. I woke up Hubby an hour and a half before we needed to leave for the service. Somehow, we still left late. I offered for him to stay home because I know that he does not like family functions, especially with this family.

There's No-one Quite Like Grandma

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The whole day was a fight. He complained because I was originally unsure about whether or not I wanted to go. He complained because of anything and everything he possibly could. When we did finally get home it was for not rinsing the kids’ bowl out this morning, for not picking up my two pieces of clothing out of the bathroom in the mornings, for the fact that we did not have enough money for him to buy cigarettes and get gas in his truck, for the fact that he vacuums at night before he goes to bed and the carpet is a mess when he gets up in the morning…I know there was more, but I quit listening.

While at the service, I saw the first love of my life (that is a story that no matter how I tell it, people do not understand). I still find him very attractive and just as sweet. We talked for a few minutes. I would love to be able to meet up with him and chat, just to get caught up. The short version of how he was at this service is that he is my Stepfather’s cousin’s son. I had a crush on him long before my mom ever married my stepfather and we dated for a short time when I was 14. My husband does not like him for the obvious reasons and also because this guy and I kissed one night.

I am definitly thinking there is a pattern in my life…I am just plain unhappy with my marriage. I cannot imagine why…

In fact, as I finish this, I am laying here listening to him stomp around with the radio blaring after I told him I was going to bed. He was asleep for two hours. I stayed up past nine like he keeps asking and yet he’s still mad at me and I do not know why. I wish I knew what I did wrong this time.