F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…

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Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

image

All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Reassurance

Alex has continued to try to reassure me that we20120615-110017.jpg will figure this out for OUR family. He even looked into whether or not we could get married while in Alaska later this month. I am trying to look at everything positively. I am doing better since Monday, but I still have my moments of negativity.

It doesn’t help that CPS has put no definite “if you [A], then the girls can go back to the 50/50 schedule.” Alex told GM that he wants the three of us to sit down and figure out what needs to happen for GM to feel comfortable with them coming home. He also suggested that maybe we include the social worker in on the conversation. I told him that he needs to call the social worker, he left her a message yesterday.

20120507-183719.jpgI did the orientation and signed #2 up for the Boys and Girls club. The community organization that I called finally got back to me yesterday and scheduled an assessment for #2. We decided that since #3 and #4 are not showing any distress over the situation and seem to be fine around #2, we are not going to get them into services because we do not want to stir anything up.

I have not called the group home yet. I am just not certain about that one.

Birthdays start next week. I cannot believe my “baby” will be 6.

I love Alex. I love our family. I just feel like I have failed them.

Maybe its time to quit…

I am starting to think God himself is telling me that I never should have started Law School. Frist was Alex’s accident. Then KD, #1’s crud, Grandma passing on Father’s day, and now this. We found out last night that #2 has been playing “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with A1 and A2; he also told A2 that if she wanted the remote she had to pull down her pants and sit on his hand. I found out that he has touched #4. GM told Alex she is keeping the girls full time for a while. I don’t know how long Alex will handle that before he tells me to take my kids and go away. I called the police on #2, but was told its normal and they had no suggestions. I put a message into his counselor. I don’t honestly know what to do next. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I can’t go to school because I am afraid to leave #4 at home without an adult. I know that #1 will keep her safe now that she knows, but I don’t expect #2 to listen. I am scared. I am lost. I know exactly how Erik feels, only mine is worse because it is my son doing this to my girls. Of course #2 denies it, swears that he wasn’t the one playing. That it was #3, A1, and A2. #3 says he didn’t, A1 and A2 said #3 didn’t.

I am completely lost. Just when I think that things in my life can’t possibly get any worse, they do. I am tired. I didn’t sleep worth beans last night. I haven’t eaten and am not hungry. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If #2 won’t admit it, no one can help him. Not only am I worried about the girls, but I am worried about what has happened to my son that he thinks this is okay.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone right now. #2 is downstairs in his room throwing a major fit swearing he didn’t do this. At this point, I cannot believe him. I am scared.

Migraine Monday

Woke up yesterday with a migraine. Got it to go away, but it came back this morning when I woke up. It didn’t help any that Alex and the kids were all in moods. #1 go up before everyone, but just sat on the couch because she didn’t want to wake anyone up. Then when I got up I asked he to make the sandwiches for their lunches. She did that and headed for the shower. I asked that she wake up #4 and have her get dressed when she got out of the shower. She said ok and Alex thought she had an attitude.

Then #4 didn’t want to wear the outfit that was set out for her so she was bothering her sister. #1 didn’t get her stuff finished because she was spending the time dealing with her sister. Then she forgot to clean up her side of the room and didn’t flush her tampon and bloody toilet paper down the toilet. She had an attitude because I wouldn’t let her wear her high heels to school because she is going to her father’s and I have no desire to fight with him over her freaking shoes.

Then there was the boys who left a blanket on the floor downstairs, left the lid off the outside toys yesterday, and didn’t finish rinsing out the sink after breakfast. So, after having him in a mood all weekend because the kids started to get moody as the weekend went by, he was still in one this morning.

He cannot battle everything. I know that my kids are not perfect. I know that they have things that they need to work on and I know that I have things as a parent to work on. I just hope that it doesn’t come between us again. My kids are my number one priority, just as the girls are his. I just get scared when he gets like that. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he will decide again that I am not worth all that comes with me.

I didn’t get much of my school stuff done this weekend, but I don’t have to meet KD everyday so that will give me a little more time this week to work on it. I need to get a routine going.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am feeling overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed, it is time to go meet KD and give him #1 so he can take her to school.

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.

Struggles come in all shapes and sizes

I am surviving law school, but I am only taking one class. I need to get into a consistent routine. It might help if this Professor would actually give us the schedule ahead of time. She waits until we have finished the one she gave us and then posts a new one. Some of the cases, I read and wonder what people are thinking when they commit some of these crimes. The current chapter is on Homicide. There was one case about a couple that let their 17 month old son die from an abscessed tooth. How do you not smell that when the stench should be present for 10 days before death?

Outside of school, this last week was a rough one. Alex got really frustrated with the kids and instead of freaking out on them, he shut down. I feel so helpless when he gets like that, but I am not walking away. I am here. I am in this. I love him. He just seemed so far away, even when he was right beside me. It kinda put us both in our own little worlds. I hated it. I know it frustrates him to. I just wish I knew what we could do about it.

I get frustrated too. I am still afraid to say something for fear of pushing him away. I know my kids are not perfect, but some of the things he says just pisses me off.  All eight of us have things to work on. We agreed not to go to counseling because we have actually been talking to each other and because he doesn’t want to dredge things up, but I am afraid we are going to start “stuffing” again. I don’t want to cause more fights and I don’t want things to get more difficult. We are supposed to start a parenting class together on Sunday. We are doing the Love and Logic series (required by my parenting plan).

#1 and A1 created a list of why they think that #1 needs her own cell phone. I told #1 that I would think about it if she shows an increase in responsibility, respectfulness, integrity, doesn’t get kicked out of school, and keeps her grades up.

#2 and #3 have their beds at the house now. Alex and I put carpet in for them last weekend and got their beds set up before they came home last Sunday. They were excited. So, #1 is sharing a room with A1, the boys have their own room, A2 has her own room, and #4 has been sleeping in a her own “room.” We just need to get her a bed set up. We are thinking that she is small enough that she can sleep in a toddler bed. Eventually, she will have her own room, but we bought air conditioners instead of carpet for her to have a real room. She enjoys the one she has though because she is upstairs with the big girls.

Since we are sitting at Alex’s mom’s house, and I am supposed to be working on studying, I should probably wrap this up. I just wanted to touch base with you all and let you know that I have to dropped off the face of the earth. I have just been busy. When we do not have kids, I am studying or spending time with Alex. For instance, he has today and tomorrow off from work. Tonight, we are having date night and tomorrow we are going on a motorcycle ride. I can’t wait to spend the extra time with him.

I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

We all need to make changes

 

 

Yep. This seems to be the story of my life. Every single time I start to feel like life is starting to go my way, life laughs at me and throws me a curve ball. I suppose you are wondering, “What is she going to complain about now?” I am aware that my blog has turned into a constant bitch session. I have tried to post when there are positive things going on as well, but when things are going well, I am wrapped up in enjoying it.

Yesterday, Alex told me that he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and asked if he wanted to do dinner last night, or something today. He said he would ask the girls. I was speechless for a few minutes, but responded with “K.” The he told me, “Best I can do.” Then I kinda lost it. I asked if he asked if they wanted to go to anyone else’s house, or just mine. I told him that I know the girls’ opinion matters to him, but sometimes I think that they have too much control. He told me that their opinions matter to him and he asks them if they want to go to everyone’s house. I told him that my kids’ opinions matter too, but sometimes, as the parent, I make the decisions. We both got off early and spent about a half hour together. As always, it was nice.

Alex and the girls did come over for dinner last night and I thought it was going pretty well. #1 didn’t argue when I told her to do the dishes. #2, #3, and A1 were playing together upstairs. A2 was sitting with Alex and I on the couch. Alex asked her what their plans for today were and if she wanted company. She pointed to me and I reminded her that I would have the kids and she said no. Then, Alex told her that was not very nice and came up with ideas of how it would work. She got excited.

#4 went upstairs, but there was a little bit of a problem because she took a marker upstairs with her and #2 started to get upset. I told #4 that she needed to stay downstairs with the marker. #1 came and sat on the couch with us, but was a little upset that A2 was snuggling with me and so #1 could not. She never wants to cuddle with me. Then A2 went and colored with #4. #3 came downstairs and sat watching the movie with us. #4 went upstairs and I heard her start crying. I went to find out what was going on. #2 had told her that she could not come in because she had a pen. I told her that she needed to stay downstairs to color. At that point, I thought all was good. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Suddenly, A1 came downstairs and asked if they could leave. At first, Alex was all over it. Then, A2 was not impressed and they stayed for the rest of the movie. A1 did tell Alex that #2 was being mean to #4.

This morning, I got a text from Alex that when they got home last night, A1 went straight to bed. Then he told me that he didn’t think today or tomorrow was a good idea. You see, he is going to M&M’s for the game and told me to call and see about us joining them. I hated the idea of inviting myself, but was willing to do it in order to spend the time with Alex. I guess Alex asked if she wanted to see me or the kids today or tomorrow and she said no. I told him that he blames all of our problems on KD, but even if he dropped off the face of the earth, we would be in the same position. Alex told me I was right, nothing would ever change. I told him that things can change, but we will ALL have to be willing to make changes. He told me to let him know when my kids were ready to change. It took all I had not to flip out at that moment. I haven’t heard much else from him today. I asked him if he wants #1 and I to come over on Monday. His response was that he wants us to, but he doesn’t know what is best and he knows I need to do laundry. I told him not to worry about my laundry. Make a choice based on him only.

I have some serious heartburn tonight. I already took 4 chewable antacids, but it hasn’t gone away. I just took 4 more.

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without me. I know that I make him happy, but I cannot change what I bring with me.

I know that my kids are not the same as his kids. I know that my kids can be difficult, but I also know that my kids can be pretty amazing. These four kids have been through a world of hurt over the last two years and continue to be thrown around like pawns in their father’s games. I know that things haven’t been easy for A1 and A2, but they know that both their parents love them. They are even lucky enough to have me love them. My kids don’t have that. At least one of them is convinced that their father hates them. Two of them think want their father’s affection so much that they don’t know how to react. These kids want someone to love them, they want to know that they are important. I can only do so much. We really don’t have any family here. I don’t have friends that take any interest in the kids. I feel like I am screwing these kids up almost every single day, but then one of them does something so amazing that I wonder where it came from. Then I realize, these kids are amazing, they just need someone to believe in them and show them that they are important. I try, but it just isn’t enough. Very rarely is what I do enough.

Hey!! My heartburn is finally gone!!! Yeah! At least something is going my way.

I am scared about this hearing. What the Guardian ad Litem says on Thursday will give us a major insight into what she is going to say in regards to the entire case. Logically, I know that someday the supervision will have to be dropped, but it scares me. I am afraid of what will happen. Oh, KD will be careful for a little while, but one day he will snap again. Logically, I know that I have shown that I have the best interests of the kids at heart and am the best place for them, but I am still scared. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Forget about the heartburn being gone. It was just a temporary reprieve, go figure.