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Unhappy

Here I sit on the plane headed back to reality and realize that we aren’t happy. We haven’t been happy for a while. We aren’t “I’m leaving” unhappy, just unhappy. I know it’s not just me. You’re right, we haven’t felt like a team for a while. I just don’t know what to do about it. I bring up counseling and you scoff at the idea. I try to talk to you and it turns into a fight or a pissing match.
I am tired. I know you are too. I am tired of living in the same house, but feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it’s hard to parent the kids the same, but we need to try. If I were to talk about A1 and A2 the way you talk about #1, #2, #3, and #4, you would get pissed. I know we have the four all the time and there is nothing I can do about that. I am sorry that they have more problems than your Angels. Maybe it’s not that, maybe it’s just that they have different rules. They aren’t held to not being attached to their phones.
I wasn’t joking the other night when I said you have different standards, you may not see it, but everyone else does. If A1 and #3 were to do the exact same thing, you would be mad at A1 briefly and #3 would never live it down. If A1 or A2 tell you something about me or one of the four, you take it as golden. If someone says something about A1 or A2, you get their side, or just don’t believe it. I know you don’t see that and you’re thinking, “but the four always lie.” A1 and A2 may not outright lie, but the twist things to get exactly what they want.
When #3 was in sports, you told him that we wouldn’t go to all the events, especially if it was at the same time as someone else’s event. But when the girls are in sports, you figure out a way to make it to everything.
You got mad because I had a one night work event. Twice a year there are things I have to do out of town. Mid-year and the mixer. Both are for my career. But I’m just supposed to suck it up when you’re gone for a month, or two weeks at a time, to further your career.
I don’t know what to do anymore Alex. I am getting to the point that I expect not to talk to you because I am tired of fighting with you.
It’s like the whole highlighter thing last weekend. She decided to stay in one spot and throw a fit because heaven forbid I buy the wrong size highlighters. Instead of calling me or texting me to find me, she calls you. Then, you give her what she wants and buy her the skinny highlighters. No, I don’t care that they were the same price. That’s not the point and you know it.
Well, we are making our descent. Not sure if I’ll post this or even send it to you, but at least this way I got it out. I do love you Alex.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? I can’t focus even though I know I am running out of time to study. Everything seems to be pissing me off. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a month. My migraines have come back. I just bawled on the phone with the student loan people over $5. For the most part life is going well lately, but I just feel like… I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.

#1 is doing amazing. She hasn’t hurt herself in 8 weeks. She smiles, she spends time with us, she laughs, she hugs me, she even cuddles me.

Alex got offered the job that he has been wanting.

I don’t have to deal with KD now that he is in prison and probably going to be for awhile.

However, I still can’t focus and I feel like crying. I just had what I can only analogize to a panic attack. I got the chills, my breathing sped up, I felt overwhelmed, and suddenly started bawling. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills. I finally stopped crying and I think my breathing slowed back down, but that is about it.

My stepmom is in the hospital, intubated after my dad found her on the floor unconscious. So far, it is just pneumonia.

I haven’t talked to my mother in two weeks because my youngest brother decided to try to start drama between A1 and I by telling her via Snap-chat that I called her a dramatic bitch. Then, he denied it and of course my mother believed him…Seriously, because the kid that threatened to shoot up the school via the same social media site wouldn’t do such a thing….

Something is up with #3, but he won’t admit it and just seems to become lazier and less caring every single day. Just when I think he couldn’t possibly piss me off more, he does.

#4 has had quite a few “I miss Daddy” breakdowns lately. I understand, it will be two years next month seen she saw him last, but I wish she would understand that he is not coming back and he is not the wonderful person she sees in her head.

#2 is literally here to eat, shower, sleep, and do laundry. Which isn’t all bad, but at the same time….

Then there are the other two…I am just not going to get started on that right now.

Trying to study is kicking my ass. I feel like there is no way I am ever going to be able to focus enough to get through this, let alone pass the bar.

I don’t even know what to do to help me at this moment.

Forgiveness

forgivenesssimba-past pastWe all have pasts. Some of it can stay in the past, some of it we have to deal with on a daily basis. When we remind people of their mistakes, we tell them that we have not forgiven them. To forgive someone for hurting you, you have to let go of the pain. You have to say, “that sucked, but it will not control me.” If you do not, you will push people away from you. You will lose time and time is all we have, and it is limited.

Family is important. They may drive us bat shit crazy, but they love us. They may not love us the way that we want them to, but they love us none the less.

Really?!?

So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.

Focus

I have none today. #1 has told me a couple times since her last counseling session that her counselor was wanting to meet with me, so today I called and left the counselor a message. I missed her call when she called back, but basically, yes she wants to meet with me to discuss some things that #1 may not be comfortable discussing together. The soonest I can get in to meet with her counselor is Thursday. Now, I am trying to focus on work, but all I can do is stress. I always get super high anxiety when someone wants to talk about my kids. I feel like they are going to be telling me everything I am doing wrong. Like I don’t already know that I have screwed up my kids and continue to screw them up more every day?

I agreed to help out with a conference tomorrow with work, but I am starting to wish I hadn’t. I am sure the thought of standing up in front of 400-500 high school students and acting is adding a considerable amount to my anxiety level.

I start a new job next week. This is potentially my forever job. However, the employer is so not prepared to have an employee. That is adding to my anxiety.

Oh, and everyday life at home.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

What now?

I do not think any one has any idea how much of a parental failure I feel like. Does not seem to matter what I do, they all do whatever they want. Does not seem to matter what the consequences are. Lies, not cleaning up, not turning in homework, turning in crap for homework, cussing, and just plain not caring. I’ve tried extra chores, grounding, no tv, grounding from their rooms, grounding to their rooms, giving them incentives, taking things away, yelling, crying, nothing is working. All it’s doing is making everyone crabby. Makes Alex and I not talk to each other. Makes the kids worse. Makes everyone miserable.

I just want to crawl in a hole and cry, but I don’t have time for that. 

What’s left? 

What do you say when everything has been said, but nothing is truly heard? How do you talk to someone who is always right or never does anything wrong? How do you help someone who won’t help themselves, or even admit there’s a problem? I’m tired. My heart hurts. I see everyone around me unhappy and hurting and I feel helpless. I get told that I just have to break. Why? So I can try to glue myself back together? I can’t break. I don’t have time and I have to figure out how to keep my family from falling apart.