Hostage in my own home

I do not know how much longer I can put up with all of this. Hubby will not let me out of his sight. I told him yesterday that I needed to go to the school to print about 80 pages of research and do other homework, but he gave me excuses of why I could not. I really do not know what to do anymore.

I think that I need to call around to some attorneys to find out who I can afford and what my options are. I was looking at a few tonight with Hubby looking right at the computer. I do not think he believes I am serious.

We are going to meet with the marriage counselor again tomorrow. I am not impressed with her and the more I have thought about it, I know why. There were two things that she said that really upset me. First, she is against divorce because it always messes up the children and that is why she does marriage counseling. It is not the divorce that messes up the children, it is the adversarial nature of the divorce. If parents can divorce calmly and collaborate on the outcome, the kids will be okay. Second, she said that “any man who walks through that door is a keeper.” She was referring to the fact that he was there. Maybe she should have considered the fact that he made the appointment.

I am trying to play nice through the holidays so that we can get through them, but if he does not stop treating me like a child… I am a grown adult and I have the right to leave the house. He told me that if I left, he would not be here when I got back. Oh, and he would not give me the keys to the truck so I would have had to get a ride. That part would have been easy.

He threatened to call his mom to call an attorney and I told him to go ahead because I am done. I cannot deal with it anymore. I am not property to be controlled.

My feelings for Alex are getting stronger. I know that I need to be careful because we are both in vulnerable places right now, but it feels nice to be cared about. It is nice to have someone that wants to see me smile. If it ever happens that we are single at the same time, I would love to explore the possibilities there. Until then, he is one of my best friends.

If I ever get serious with someone again, there will be premarital counseling. He will have to love my kids as if they are his own. I want a small wedding on the beach, just us, the kids, and a few select people. Or, I want the big wedding that I never got. He has to have a job, a stable job. He needs to have friends so that we can both have time away from eachother. I want romance. I want someone who never stops “dating” me. Flowers, date night, love letters, gentlemanly gestures… I want to be happy. I want to know that I do not have to take the Wellbutrin forever, which is how I feel right now. I know that I may need to take it again, but I want to have a life that I don’t need it all the time.

I have been on the Wellbutrin for 12 days now. I am not sure how this medication is ever supposed to work if I keep gettig more stress piled on me.


3 thoughts on “Hostage in my own home

  1. Wellbutrin takes a while to build up in your system. Give it time. I had icky side effects like dizziness & nausea when I started it. I hope you are feeling well. I think you will get stronger and more confident and happier in general as the weeks pass by. Not because of the wellbutrin, but because of the counseling and the blogging. Blogging of course is just more therapy you can do for yourself. Blogging changed my life. I don’t mean that in a sarcastic way, I am serious. It helped me so much. I gained a new perspective and clarity that I would not have otherwise. I hope it works the same for you! I’m not so sure about Alex reading these…. This is your space to vent, if he is reading this, will you stay true to your thoughts & feelings or will you change your words and be more reserved, or fake (?) because you know he is reading it?

    • I type what comes to my mind. Regardless of who might read it. He did tell me that if I ever want him to stop reading it, he will.

      I know the Wellbutrin will take time. I do notice a difference already.

  2. Don’t know if you’re up for advice, so I won’t leave one. I would encourage you, though to visit – he’s a straight talking marriage mentor. I’ll be praying for you. One thing: studies show, what’s hard the first time is 60% harder the second time. (2nd marriages have 60% chance of divorce and those who are both remarrying, the rate is higher.)

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