This is what I’ve been saying

I just wish the person who can hug me like that understood.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know if there is even anything left of my marriage. I’ve already lost most of my kids. I feel like I have no one. The one person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what has now run from me twice in two days when I have needed him the most.

What is wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a parent? Am I that bad of a person? I’m starting to think that’s what it is. Maybe I should have just let KD have the kids. Not sure he could have screwed them up anymore than I have. Maybe i should not have come back that morning. Alex’s life couldn’t have been any worse than it is with me in it.

He says he wants me, that may be, but he only wants part of me. He wants the person he thinks I should be. Quiet, kid free, the perfect housewife. I am none of those. Never have been, never will be.

I try to do everything I can to make him happy. I know it’s not on me. The only thing left to make him happy is to leave. Oh, sure, he’d be sad for a bit, but not for long. He would have his office back, he would be able to take the locks off of things, he wouldn’t have to see my kids, he could finish the house, he could do whatever he wants for and with the girls without anyone questioning him, he would have his quiet time.

Me, I would be back at square one. No home, no friends, no furniture, no partner. I would lose two of my kids. My best friend and two kids, that would kill me the most.

I am so tired. I dont know if I can handle any of it anymore. I am obviously a terrible wife and mother. I really just want to be done with life. Two failed marriages. Failed at raising kids. The two things I thought I was good at. I guess I was wrong, I am the problem, not them.

I wish, for his and the girls’ sake, Alex had never met me.

Now what?

I tried. Really thought a couple days together could help. Things were going ok, but then they weren’t. I will not be the reason he doesn’t have his kids. I know there is NOTHING in the world more important to him. NOTHING. That is why I said I will move. I won’t make him choose.

We are both a package deal. We have known that since day one.

Now what?

Just Tell Me Everything Will be Ok…

Where did I go wrong? I am so tired that I have no idea what to do anymore. #1 won’t go to a class that she “knows” that she can’t pass, but goes to the other one that she is failing. Alex just informed me that #1 can go to class or move out. Yay. Like I don’t worry enough about whether or not she goes to class?

Alex seems mad at me because I didn’t go visit him while he is out of town for two weeks for work, because I haven’t put life on hold while he is gone, and because I don’t think I will be able to visit him the next time he is out of town. Oh, but I am not supposed to be upset that he got pissy with me for making plans for us for more than one day while he is in home. I was able to get plans for the four for New Year’s. So, I was going to try to surprise him. GM wouldn’t agree to keep the girls without him deciding. He won’t decide, he is leaving it up to the girls. I figured instead of booking a room for one night, I booked it for two since we did not do anything for our anniversary. I told him that I made plans for both nights and his response? He thought it was just going to be the one night. Well, excuuuuse me for trying to save our marriage…

I went out two nights this week. One night for a work event, stayed longer than I planned and he seemed upset with me. Then, last night I went out to a thing for someone he works with and he seemed pissed that I was there so late. I didn’t even drink. Was just trying to relax and pretend my life isn’t falling apart.

I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting for my marriage alone. Tired of feeling like I have to choose between my kids and my husband. I am tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of feeling like I can’t do anything right.

Can we throw in that my work life feels like I am falling apart also? I feel like I am the only one that is doing anything that will actually make our office money, but I can only work so much without burning out. I am too young to burn out.

Ugh

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I don’t care if you tell me “it’s not bad,” my anxiety is going through the roof. If you want to say something to me, just say it. Otherwise, I guarantee it will be the main thing on my mind until we do talk. Especially when it is GM and she wants to talk about the girls. It makes me question everything I have said and done with them lately. I hate it. If we need to talk that bad, just talk to me. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills almost an hour ago and I still feel like my blood pressure is through the roof.

Reflections

Some surprise, I should be reading or sleeping. Instead, I am writing and trying to take a breath. Something that I feel I have not done in too long. I feel like I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to go wrong for so long. Every time that I think I can breathe, something happens.

I am not sure what bothers me more, when I yell, or when I can say what is bothering me calm, collected, without raising my voice, or shedding a tear. A fight, or a one-sided conversation. Full-blown tears or complete calm. The words you choose to say or the ones you choose to hold back.

I wish I could fully explain to you how I feel right now. I feel so many things. Fear, loneliness, exhaustion, dread, anxiety, hope, love, pride, sadness, anger, and a ton of feelings that I do not even know how to describe. All at once. Do you remember when you were a carefree kid and mixed all the fountain drinks in one cup (my brother called it a swamp)? That is how I feel. One feeling running into the next.

I have been trying to throw myself into my school work, but I find my mind wandering off.

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Even now, I cannot even seem to write this without my mind wandering. I just do not even know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired in so many ways.

Perfection, something that we all would love, but will never have. Our children will not be perfect. Our spouse will not be perfect. Work will not be perfect. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. Ever. Not gonna happen. I know you will not be either. What I can promise is that I will do my best. I will not promise that my best will always be the same. My best will be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation.

I read case after case in my law books where the court says, it depends on the facts of the particular case. That is how I see my best. It depends on the facts of the particular moment and situation.

Today was a long day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

There, I posted.