Focus

I have none today. #1 has told me a couple times since her last counseling session that her counselor was wanting to meet with me, so today I called and left the counselor a message. I missed her call when she called back, but basically, yes she wants to meet with me to discuss some things that #1 may not be comfortable discussing together. The soonest I can get in to meet with her counselor is Thursday. Now, I am trying to focus on work, but all I can do is stress. I always get super high anxiety when someone wants to talk about my kids. I feel like they are going to be telling me everything I am doing wrong. Like I don’t already know that I have screwed up my kids and continue to screw them up more every day?

I agreed to help out with a conference tomorrow with work, but I am starting to wish I hadn’t. I am sure the thought of standing up in front of 400-500 high school students and acting is adding a considerable amount to my anxiety level.

I start a new job next week. This is potentially my forever job. However, the employer is so not prepared to have an employee. That is adding to my anxiety.

Oh, and everyday life at home.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

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What now?

I do not think any one has any idea how much of a parental failure I feel like. Does not seem to matter what I do, they all do whatever they want. Does not seem to matter what the consequences are. Lies, not cleaning up, not turning in homework, turning in crap for homework, cussing, and just plain not caring. I’ve tried extra chores, grounding, no tv, grounding from their rooms, grounding to their rooms, giving them incentives, taking things away, yelling, crying, nothing is working. All it’s doing is making everyone crabby. Makes Alex and I not talk to each other. Makes the kids worse. Makes everyone miserable.

I just want to crawl in a hole and cry, but I don’t have time for that. 

What’s left? 

What do you say when everything has been said, but nothing is truly heard? How do you talk to someone who is always right or never does anything wrong? How do you help someone who won’t help themselves, or even admit there’s a problem? I’m tired. My heart hurts. I see everyone around me unhappy and hurting and I feel helpless. I get told that I just have to break. Why? So I can try to glue myself back together? I can’t break. I don’t have time and I have to figure out how to keep my family from falling apart.

Ugh

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I don’t care if you tell me “it’s not bad,” my anxiety is going through the roof. If you want to say something to me, just say it. Otherwise, I guarantee it will be the main thing on my mind until we do talk. Especially when it is GM and she wants to talk about the girls. It makes me question everything I have said and done with them lately. I hate it. If we need to talk that bad, just talk to me. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills almost an hour ago and I still feel like my blood pressure is through the roof.

Reflections

Some surprise, I should be reading or sleeping. Instead, I am writing and trying to take a breath. Something that I feel I have not done in too long. I feel like I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to go wrong for so long. Every time that I think I can breathe, something happens.

I am not sure what bothers me more, when I yell, or when I can say what is bothering me calm, collected, without raising my voice, or shedding a tear. A fight, or a one-sided conversation. Full-blown tears or complete calm. The words you choose to say or the ones you choose to hold back.

I wish I could fully explain to you how I feel right now. I feel so many things. Fear, loneliness, exhaustion, dread, anxiety, hope, love, pride, sadness, anger, and a ton of feelings that I do not even know how to describe. All at once. Do you remember when you were a carefree kid and mixed all the fountain drinks in one cup (my brother called it a swamp)? That is how I feel. One feeling running into the next.

I have been trying to throw myself into my school work, but I find my mind wandering off.

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Even now, I cannot even seem to write this without my mind wandering. I just do not even know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired in so many ways.

Perfection, something that we all would love, but will never have. Our children will not be perfect. Our spouse will not be perfect. Work will not be perfect. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. Ever. Not gonna happen. I know you will not be either. What I can promise is that I will do my best. I will not promise that my best will always be the same. My best will be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation.

I read case after case in my law books where the court says, it depends on the facts of the particular case. That is how I see my best. It depends on the facts of the particular moment and situation.

Today was a long day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

There, I posted.

 

Never Ceases to Disappoint

I am 32 and my mother cannot be counted on anymore than she could when I was 5, or any other age for that matter. I appreciate that she offered to take 4 instead of 1, but it would have been nice to know a when she offered that it was not going to be for the same amount of time. I would have planned my week differently. Just once, I want her to be my mother instead of a flake!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written for you. All I can say is that life has been busy.

#1 has been doing better, have her on an antidepressant and it seems to be helping a great deal.

#2 has finally admitted what he did wrong and is working on treatment now. He is taking more responsibility for keeping his grades up. The church loves him and his servant heart.

#4 has been in counseling for about a month to help with her missing dad.