Sunday Ramblings

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I really don’t even know what to write. I can’t seem to focus on anything, but I guess that is why I went to my doctor to restart my antidepressant. Alex and I fight about everything. I question what he says or does when I don’t understand and it starts a fight. Am I supposed to just sit and stew on it instead? I just don’t understand. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, but I feel like the distance between us is only increasing. The kids all seem to feel it. Some play on it, others ignore it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I love A1 and A2, despite what they think. Well, I am pretty certain that A1 knows it. For the most part, she even acts like she loves me too. A2, on the other hand, I am pretty sure that she wishes me and mine would just drop off the face of her world. Alex does things to avoid making #4 mad, especially when it comes to #4. A2 treats #4 worse than #3 treats #4, but he only calls out #3. I say something and it is, of course, #4’s fault because she has too much energy, or whatever.

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More and more I wonder if Alex regrets moving us in to the house, or even bringing me into his life for that matter. I love my husband, but i hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I know I am the central cause of that unhappiness. I feel like we are more roommates than partners or team members. Neither of us deserve that.

We try to keep up on our date nights and go to our counseling appointments every two weeks. I feel like there is so much more that is missing. The touch of a hand, the random words of love and support, the messages that say hey, I just heard this song and thought of you. I know it is both of us, but I don’t know how to fix it. I am not even sure I know when the last time either of us said I love you to the other one. I really just want to curl up and cry.

I heard from #1, the first time since her graduation. Yes, she graduated, barely, but she did. She only contacted me because she needs me to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA. Little does she know, her FAFSA is done, except er signature. I will tell her when she comes by the office to get her SS card and mail (FAFSA info).

#2 has been fairly MIA for summer break, which is fine. He has worked at the boys and girls club, hung out with my grandmother, and helped his grandparents. I have a feeling that he will move out when he turns 18, so long as he gets a job before then. Regardless of still having another year of high school. He has not been consistently taking his medicine.

#3…well…where do I start…in the last two weeks of school, he accused a teacher of ripping his back pack off his back. Of course, it was false. There were not any real consequences for him. The school let him stay in the office during that teacher’s class so that the teacher did not have to see him. Since it was so late in the school year, the school did not have after school detention. I have made him write apology letters, and he will continue to write them until I am satisfied with them. Then, he had summer school because he was not turning stuff in for a different class all semester and failed the class. I got him signed up for the half credit of summer school and took him to the orientation. The days were three hours long. He was done before the end of the third day. He said the work was like third grade work. This pisses me off as a parent and as a tax payer. I plan to talk to the school district. He and I got into a fight because he refused to clean the kitchen. I am looking into a residential treatment facility out of the state so that it is not optional for him to attend. I then gave him the option of me continuing with looking into it or him attending regular counseling. He did not give me a decision. He treats #4 like crap. I do not know how to teach her that how she is treated by some of her siblings is not how she deserves to be treated.

A1 finished school with all As. She has her moments, but seems to be trying to step up regarding #4 with #1 being gone. She knows things aren’t right, she can feel it.

A2 also finished school with all As. She is as pissy as ever. If she is not snuggled up to Alex, she is pouting. The other day, the three girls were on the couch, #4 was in the middle. A1 invited one of the dogs up between her and #4. I suggested #4 scoot over, she did, but was very careful to stay on her cushion. You would have thought that #4 sat on her lap the way she reacted, eye roll, huffing, the whole nine yards. Last night, Alex had #3 sit in the middle in the truck because heaven forbid A2 have to sit next to #4. I had literally just told all of them that #4 would be sitting in the middle since she is shorter because since the boys have gotten so tall, Alex gets mad at the boys for sitting in the middle. When we went to dinner, it was a big booth, but not big enough for Alex, A2, and I (the three biggest butts in the family, not picking on anyone, just stating the obvious). A2 always sits next to Alex when we go out, if she doesn’t she sits and pouts nonstop. Alex got mad because I said I thought that maybe she should sit on the kids’ side. Dinner was fabulous.

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#4 is rambunctious. There is no debating that. She is starting to take after her siblings in the lazy department and I am working on it. A2 and #3 talk to her like she is garbage. I am trying to get her not to internalize that.

I am hoping that we can work through all of these issues, sooner rather than later. I do not want to lose my best friend, but I worry I already have. I guess more what I want is my best friend back.

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This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.

When isn’t love enough?

How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.

He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.

I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.

When do you know love is no longer enough?

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

What was I thinking?????

I am starting to wonder if coming back to school was a good idea, or if I should have waited until the kids were older, like moved out. I am so freaking overwhelmed with all of this. The one class that I was pretty sure I understood is giving me the most problems. Yes, that means I should be working on my school work instead of typing this, but in order to work on my school work, I need to relax and calm down.
I need to make myself sit down and study more. I am hoping that now that the kids (most of them) are out of school, it will mellow out. This week has been chaotic. Kindergarten graduation, school BBQ, fifth grade program, school, meeting with a principal, and all the regular stuff. Next week, I get to add court and my grandmother into the mix. Oh goody. Part of me hopes he shows up so that I know he gives a shit, but part of me hopes he does not so that it can be done.
Take a deep breath and relax. Alex and I are going out to dinner tonight for our weekly date night/my birthday. I can’t wait. Tomorrow, we have a BBQ with my class, and Sunday a BBQ with friends.

Well, I guess my Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress paper is calling me to work on it.

Patience and Follow through Pays Off

Shocking, KD did not show up for the hearing. We were scheduled second up at 1:30. He called the courtroom at 1:25 and the clerk told him to call back at 2:00. 2:25 rolled around and he hadn’t called. The commissioner was going to continue it for a week and sanction him for $200. I argued with her that the commissioner that morning had already ruled it in default. Finally, the commissioner told her clerk to take me up to our regular commissioner. Our commissioner looked at me and asked if KD ever showed up. I said no. He looked at the note from the other commissioner and signed all 4 of my orders.

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Patience really does pay off.

I picked up the kids from school and the bus. KD was at the bus and #2 wanted something from him. I went over to ask him for it and he told me that I needed to go away. So I told #2 that Dad said no. They were a little mad at first, but it didn’t last long. The weekend was better than I expected. Alex and I went on a dinner date with some friends Saturday night.

They are going to be mad when we discuss school next year. I spent all day today giving copies of the orders to places that needed them and getting the kids registered for school for next year.

I won’t change school on them until school starts next year, that would be too much.

Tired and overwhelmed

Just when I think that he is finally going to be held accountable for his actions, I am proven wrong. Woke up from a nap yesterday to a voicemail from an attorney letting me know that they may be representing KD and would be asking for a continuance. I called the lady back and to told her that on April 3, the commissioner who signed the continuance that day also put that there would be no further continuances. I show up today and the attorney tells me that he is not representing KD at this point and he told KD that he needed to show up for docket call. The commissioner calls our case and the attorney states that he is not representing KD, but KD had told him that he was on his way. The commissioner waited to recall the case until the end of the docket and KD had still not appeared. The commissioner told me to get our file and take my orders to be signed in default. I got to the courtroom and KD had called. The commissioner in that room refused to find him in default even though another commissioner already had.

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Then KD kept trying to get a continuance. Fortunately, this was the same commissioner that had ordered no more continuances.
We are second motion at 1:30 in front of a commissioner that isn’t ours. I sat in on a couple of hearings in her courtroom this morning to get a feel for her and she seems reasonable. KD has not filed any response to any of my documents so he really has no argument.
I should still win, but it is the principle now. I am tired of him being rewarded for being lazy. The court has continuously shown him that he can do what ever he wants and they don’t care. They wonder why we keep ending up in court?
I may end up with the kids starting tonight after school if the commissioner signs all of my orders. I am not asking for much. Just primary custody, sole decision-making, kids registered for school from my house, him not driving the kids, written authorization to verify his liability insurance once he gets his license and insurance back, and whoever is living in the home be required to undergo a background check before the kids can go over there.
He continuously shows that he cannot/will not assist me in making decisions for our children. Their counselor is stopping private practice so I told him that we need to discuss the next step in  counseling for the kids, his response (26 hours later) was that we could discuss it with his new attorney. Yeah, the same one that hasn’t received any money and isn’t officially representing him as of this morning. I will appeal the decision if they don’t give me what I am asking for. He cannot be rewarded for his continued disrespect for the courts and their orders.
I just feel really overwhelmed right now. I took one of my anxiety pills about an hour before docket call, but at this point, it isn’t helping. I am exhauseted. I am frustrated. I am pissed.
On the bright side, I am meeting various attorneys in our area while hanging out at the courthouse.

Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

Rewarded for Being Stupid…again

As usual, KD got his way. How does that work? He asked for a continuance and by the time we argued it in front of a commissioner, the docket was full. His excuse was needing to seek counsel. On the plus side, the commissioner did write on the continuance order that there were to be no more continuances. So, all three contempt motions will be heard at the same time in two weeks. I made it clear that if I saw KD driving, I would call 911.
While I was waiting for docket call, his former attorney saw me and asked if I was there for our case again and I said yes and told him why, including that the proof of insurance KD provided him was invalid. He looked at me, “I had nothing to do with that.” I told him that I didn’t think he did.
I am so sick of him being rewarded for his blatant disregard for our parenting plan. It’s ok, it will give me a chance to file another contempt charge on his lack of response time.
I’m done with his crap.
Which means another two weeks until I can get him some help for his mood swings. Oh goody.
I’m tired. I feel so wronged by the system, again. I guess that’s another reason why I am going into law, to fix crap like this and make sure people like him get what’s coming to them.