Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

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Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

What was I thinking?????

I am starting to wonder if coming back to school was a good idea, or if I should have waited until the kids were older, like moved out. I am so freaking overwhelmed with all of this. The one class that I was pretty sure I understood is giving me the most problems. Yes, that means I should be working on my school work instead of typing this, but in order to work on my school work, I need to relax and calm down.
I need to make myself sit down and study more. I am hoping that now that the kids (most of them) are out of school, it will mellow out. This week has been chaotic. Kindergarten graduation, school BBQ, fifth grade program, school, meeting with a principal, and all the regular stuff. Next week, I get to add court and my grandmother into the mix. Oh goody. Part of me hopes he shows up so that I know he gives a shit, but part of me hopes he does not so that it can be done.
Take a deep breath and relax. Alex and I are going out to dinner tonight for our weekly date night/my birthday. I can’t wait. Tomorrow, we have a BBQ with my class, and Sunday a BBQ with friends.

Well, I guess my Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress paper is calling me to work on it.

Patience and Follow through Pays Off

Shocking, KD did not show up for the hearing. We were scheduled second up at 1:30. He called the courtroom at 1:25 and the clerk told him to call back at 2:00. 2:25 rolled around and he hadn’t called. The commissioner was going to continue it for a week and sanction him for $200. I argued with her that the commissioner that morning had already ruled it in default. Finally, the commissioner told her clerk to take me up to our regular commissioner. Our commissioner looked at me and asked if KD ever showed up. I said no. He looked at the note from the other commissioner and signed all 4 of my orders.

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Patience really does pay off.

I picked up the kids from school and the bus. KD was at the bus and #2 wanted something from him. I went over to ask him for it and he told me that I needed to go away. So I told #2 that Dad said no. They were a little mad at first, but it didn’t last long. The weekend was better than I expected. Alex and I went on a dinner date with some friends Saturday night.

They are going to be mad when we discuss school next year. I spent all day today giving copies of the orders to places that needed them and getting the kids registered for school for next year.

I won’t change school on them until school starts next year, that would be too much.

Tired and overwhelmed

Just when I think that he is finally going to be held accountable for his actions, I am proven wrong. Woke up from a nap yesterday to a voicemail from an attorney letting me know that they may be representing KD and would be asking for a continuance. I called the lady back and to told her that on April 3, the commissioner who signed the continuance that day also put that there would be no further continuances. I show up today and the attorney tells me that he is not representing KD at this point and he told KD that he needed to show up for docket call. The commissioner calls our case and the attorney states that he is not representing KD, but KD had told him that he was on his way. The commissioner waited to recall the case until the end of the docket and KD had still not appeared. The commissioner told me to get our file and take my orders to be signed in default. I got to the courtroom and KD had called. The commissioner in that room refused to find him in default even though another commissioner already had.

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Then KD kept trying to get a continuance. Fortunately, this was the same commissioner that had ordered no more continuances.
We are second motion at 1:30 in front of a commissioner that isn’t ours. I sat in on a couple of hearings in her courtroom this morning to get a feel for her and she seems reasonable. KD has not filed any response to any of my documents so he really has no argument.
I should still win, but it is the principle now. I am tired of him being rewarded for being lazy. The court has continuously shown him that he can do what ever he wants and they don’t care. They wonder why we keep ending up in court?
I may end up with the kids starting tonight after school if the commissioner signs all of my orders. I am not asking for much. Just primary custody, sole decision-making, kids registered for school from my house, him not driving the kids, written authorization to verify his liability insurance once he gets his license and insurance back, and whoever is living in the home be required to undergo a background check before the kids can go over there.
He continuously shows that he cannot/will not assist me in making decisions for our children. Their counselor is stopping private practice so I told him that we need to discuss the next step in  counseling for the kids, his response (26 hours later) was that we could discuss it with his new attorney. Yeah, the same one that hasn’t received any money and isn’t officially representing him as of this morning. I will appeal the decision if they don’t give me what I am asking for. He cannot be rewarded for his continued disrespect for the courts and their orders.
I just feel really overwhelmed right now. I took one of my anxiety pills about an hour before docket call, but at this point, it isn’t helping. I am exhauseted. I am frustrated. I am pissed.
On the bright side, I am meeting various attorneys in our area while hanging out at the courthouse.

Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

Rewarded for Being Stupid…again

As usual, KD got his way. How does that work? He asked for a continuance and by the time we argued it in front of a commissioner, the docket was full. His excuse was needing to seek counsel. On the plus side, the commissioner did write on the continuance order that there were to be no more continuances. So, all three contempt motions will be heard at the same time in two weeks. I made it clear that if I saw KD driving, I would call 911.
While I was waiting for docket call, his former attorney saw me and asked if I was there for our case again and I said yes and told him why, including that the proof of insurance KD provided him was invalid. He looked at me, “I had nothing to do with that.” I told him that I didn’t think he did.
I am so sick of him being rewarded for his blatant disregard for our parenting plan. It’s ok, it will give me a chance to file another contempt charge on his lack of response time.
I’m done with his crap.
Which means another two weeks until I can get him some help for his mood swings. Oh goody.
I’m tired. I feel so wronged by the system, again. I guess that’s another reason why I am going into law, to fix crap like this and make sure people like him get what’s coming to them.

Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!