A parent’s worst nightmare

You never think it can happen to you. Not in your family. You would know before it could happen in your family. These are just some of the lies we parents tell ourselves about teen suicide and attempted teen suicide. Guess what? They are just that, LIES. This can happen in any family. It happened in mine. We almost lost #1.

Friday was just like any other day. #1 was babysitting, Alex was at work, and I was finishing up the last of my school stuff. #1 seemed to be in a good mood in the morning, she was helping A1 and #4 go through their clothes to start the process of getting ready for school clothes. Then, she was irritated with some of them. She wanted to go lay down, but I told her that she had to stay on the main floor because she was the babysitter. I left school earlier than I planned, something told me I just needed to leave and go home. I texted #1 and asked if she maybe wanted to go to the grocery store with me, and she said yes.

Once I got home, her and left. She still seemed like she wasn’t in that great of a mood, but I figured some time away from the others and the house would be good for her. Bought us each a bottled coffee and she seemed to cheer up a little. Then, we were talking about college and she was getting into the conversation and her mood seemed to be improving. We were on our way to pick up pizza for dinner when she suddenly felt nauseous. I didn’t think anything of it because she gets car sick sometimes. When we got to the pizza place, she told me that she needed to throw up, so she went to the bathroom and threw up. Then, we went to pick up #2 on our way home and she got sick in the driveway a couple times. She said she thought maybe the drink just didn’t agree with her. We got in the car and she still felt sick. When we got home, she said she needed a minute and then she would be in. Within five minutes, Alex was leaving to take A2 to a friend’s house and he hollered for me because she was faced down on the driveway convulsing.

We called 911. They got her in the ambulance and told me that she was responding appropriately. I followed the ambulance. When we got to the hospital, she started convulsing again. We thought that maybe she was just super dehydrated because she had been outside in the heat at a theme park the day before and no one had really seen her drink anything on Friday. They gave her anti seizure medicine and started running their tests. She was out of it, but some of that was from the medicine. They went to move her to the pediatric ICU and she seized again. They moved her and she continued to have seizures. They ended up hooking her up to a ventilator, a central line, an arterial blood pressure, an iv, and a catheter. She was essentially in a coma. At this point the doctors are perplexed because her tests were coming back mostly normal.

Once they got her stable, Alex and I went home to change and get some stuff for us. While we were home, we were trying to find the kids’ cell phone so we could give it to the boys while they were at the neighbor’s house. I was looking through her room and found a baggie under her pillow that had about 2 1/2 months of her wellbutrin in it. We only give her a week at a time, so I now know that she has not been taking it for awhile and we start to figure out that she probably took some of those, but we do not know how many because we don’t know how long it has been since she stopped taking them. Alex called the hospital and told the doctor. Her symptoms fit.

She did not wake up enough to get the ventilator out until yesterday morning. They just moved out of ICU a little while ago. She will be in the hospital for awhile. She is in a regular room right now, but she will have to go to the pediatric psychiatry ward before she can go home.

GM talked to A1 to see if she could figure out why. Apparently she hates me and KD told her that she was the biggest mistake of his life and it is her fault that he cannot see the others.

I saw the text messages between the two older girls. #1 says she hates me and A1 says that everyone hates me.

What is wrong with KD??? Does he not realize that if it weren’t for her, he wouldn’t have the other kids? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, we would not likely have gotten back together, let alone get married and have three more kids. Even with that, I went home yesterday to get her some things and laid on her bed, looked up and right there was a picture of him holding her when she was about 2 1/2. I know it is his loss, but it was almost my loss too. Why the F*** would you say that to anyone, let alone a teenage girl????

While she was out, I told her how much I love her and how much I am me because of her. Told her the truth, she is the person that taught me you can love someone more than you love yourself. I am here for her. I know I am her mom, but d*mmit I AM HER MOM! No one in this world loves her as much as I do. I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. I really don’t.

I just keep thinking about the last few months. How did I miss that she was so unhappy? How did I not know that she had stopped taking her medicine?

I hadn’t told her anything about what happened because I wanted to see if she would remember/admit to what happened. Last night, she asked me when she could go home and I told her that she would be there through the end of the week at least. I told her that she had to be able to answer their questions and do what they asked of her first. She said she thought she remembered what happened. When I asked her what happened and she told me that she did not want to tell me. I told her that we had already figured out what happened, so she wanted me to tell her and I told her not until she told me. She didn’t want to tell me, so I asked if she would tell the nurse if I left, she said yes so I left. She told the nurse that she took 21 of her pills.

After she was done talking to the nurse, she let me cuddle up to her on the bed. She was my baby girl again. I didn’t realize how much I missed that.

Now, we fight the uphill battle of getting her help. She is old enough to say that she doesn’t want to after they decide that she is safe enough to go home and I can’t stop her from telling them no. She is also smart enough to tell them what they want to hear so that she can just go home. I think that scares me more than anything else. I don’t know how things are going to play out, especially once she comes home. She won’t be able to be alone for awhile. We will have to lock everything up that is not already, including tylenol.

I am scared that I will lose her. I can’t lose her. I don’t think she understands how much she means to me and how much I want to be here for her and help her, if only she would let me.

Hug your kids. Tell them you love them. If something feels off, it probably is.

I have heard this song a couple times over the last few days and I printed the lyrics out for her. I want her to know I am here for her, always. Stand by You by Rachel Platton.

Alex has been right by her side too. I hope she realizes that we both love her more than she will ever know. And we are not the only ones.

I am out of ideas

This is what we have been struggling with a lot lately. We assume the behavior is a cry for attention. However, we don’t want to reward the behavior. The consequences are not working and we are running out of ideas.

We have put a lock on our bedroom door, the pantry, and the freezer because someone is stealing. We do not starve them by any means. I can never pin point which one it actually is because I do not know which of them to actually believe.

It makes us both crabby which in turn makes them crabby which makes this place miserable for everyone. I honestly do not know what to do with any of them.

I feel like I am failing as a parent because I cannot seem to curb their behavior, I don’t know what is wrong with them, and I don’t know how to help them. I feel like I am failing as a wife because I can’t fix it.

I have one last final for this semester and it is tomorrow morning. I am trying to make my page of notes, but I cannot focus since we found out someone got into Alex’s briefcase and stole his cookie sometime today. This is the second time someone has stolen his cookie. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I had some genius ideas, but unfortunately I do not.

I graduate this weekend. I still have another semester left, but I can finally see the finish line and it is so nice. I just wish I wasn’t so nervous about having to leave the children unattended. It should not be a problem for children of their ages. 8-16, they should be fine, but we can’t seem to trust them.

Alex bought me a new/used car today for Graduation/Mother’s Day/my birthday. I love it!

I still don’t know how I got him, or why he chose me, but I am glad he did.

Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am trying to get to a point that I can focus on the last of my notes page. Now, I am exhausted and not sure that I really have anything left to put on it. I still have some space. I may put a little more on some of the cases, but maybe in the morning.

I just don’t know what to do about these kids anymore, I really don’t. I can’t prove who did it. What am I going to do, ground all the ones that were home without us? Oh, wait, that was all of them at some point today, except #2. Why do they keep freaking pulling this shit?!?!

I know Alex reads these so I am scheduling it to publish after both of our days have started. I don’t want it to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I love him and I hope he knows that. I hate how much pain and frustration my baggage has brought him.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

Love Changes

Love is whenI don’t know how people can say their love hasn’t changed. I have never understood that. My love for
Alex is always changing, evolving. Some parts

Hook, line, sinker

stay Can you feel the butterfliesthe same. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is my best friend, has been almost from day one. I fell for him faster than I ever wanted to admit, I was afraid to fall for him. How could I ever get a man like that? How could he ever fall for me? I will never understand what he saw in me back then, or even what he sees in me now.

He always asks me whether he still gives me butterflies and goosebumps, he does. Even when we are fighting, my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and his smile is still what calms me. When I am upset, even if I am upset with him, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. So, yes, in some ways, it has stayed the same. At the same time, I love him more and different because we have been through so much, good and bad, over the last five years. How could I not?

Not getting better

I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know Image result for don't let gowhat to say. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I feel like I am losing everything. My husband is mad at me, at least 4/6 children are mad at me for one reason or another (siding with Alex, being too hard on them, evil stepmother, you know the usual), I can’t focus on school. I know it could be worse, but right now I don’t feel like it.

I can’tImage result for miss you eat. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I tried to find a counselor, but the place I called could not seem to get my insurances to work together so that was out the window. Stupidly, I suggested that we find a counselor together, but Alex made it pretty clear that was a horrible idea.

I can’t even find music to match my mood, Image result for don't let goPandora keeps playing love songs. Yeah, that’s what I want to hear right now. Songs that remind me how bad things are right now between us. He keeps telling me he’s tired. Makes me worry how long he will hold on to us. He says I pulled him out of a dark place when we met, but what happens if it is us that puts him back?

I just feel lost and alone. So alone.

 

F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…

Ugh

Image result

I don’t care if you tell me “it’s not bad,” my anxiety is going through the roof. If you want to say something to me, just say it. Otherwise, I guarantee it will be the main thing on my mind until we do talk. Especially when it is GM and she wants to talk about the girls. It makes me question everything I have said and done with them lately. I hate it. If we need to talk that bad, just talk to me. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills almost an hour ago and I still feel like my blood pressure is through the roof.

What a day…

Image result for overwhelmed quotesI will not give up. Giving up is not my nature. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. My husband won’t talk to me. I am not sure what to think. I know I got a lot off my chest last night in my calm rage. He left this morning and I got a one arm hug.

I got to school this morning and realized I forgot my computer at home. Got a couple pieces of paper from a classmate, went to class, and had an evacuation drill. Went home after class to grab my computer, had to go potty, and headed back to school. Got almost here and realized that I forgot my computer again. I guess I will be taking notes by hand today.

Right now, I am sitting in the computer lab at school so that I can finish my reading and note taking before class so I have less to transfer later. This is why everything I save is save on my OneDrive.

I have class in 3 hours, an upset tummy since yesterday morning, no motivation, and a racing mind. That is not a good combination. Contemplated going for a walk. Hoping that would help, but not even sure I want to do that right now. That is my level of motivation at this moment.

I am a little nervous about my appointment with the orthopedist tomorrow. The PA thinks that they need to go in an repair the new tear in my hip and do a femoroplasty at the same time. we shall see what the Dr. thinks.

Well, I guess now is the time. I will stop typing and hope that I have gotten enough off my chest to work on my homework.

We will come out of this storm, we always do.