Being a Good Parent SUCKS!!

#1 moved out this weekend. It was her choice. I have been telling her to follow the rules, or pack her shit and get out. She has been pushing and pushing. Saturday she called me from a friend’s phone and told me she was spending the night there. I told her no. She argued with me and I told her she could go home, or she could pack her shit and leave. She chose the latter. It is fucking killing me. I don’t know where she is, I don’t really know if she is ok. All I can do is hope and pray. I message her on Instagram, but that is the only way I can reach her. I just want to hold her in my arms.

I know this is best for her and all my kids because it shows them that choices have consequences and we will stick by what we say. But it does not make it any easier.

I have been burying myself in work when I can. Each day hurts a little less, but then i see something, or hear something and i just want to curl up and cry.

I miss her more than she will ever understand. This is truly one of those times that i can say it hurts me more than her.

Update: 7:15 PM

I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I just want to cry and have someone hold me. All Alex wants to do is get mad at #2 and threaten to kick him out too. I realized that I have no one. I wish my mom or dad was closer. I just want ro know it will be okay. I wish I could climb in a hole and disappear. I know I can’t though, my kids need me. That is what keeps me going, my kids.

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When isn’t love enough?

How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.

He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.

I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.

When do you know love is no longer enough?

Fear and Anxiety

Fear and Anxiety

Monday

My marriage is falling apart and I do not know what to do anymore. Just when it looks like things may be improving, they aren’t. I am tired. I downloaded some books on marriage counseling and how to help your marriage, Alex saw them on the Amazon order history and asked if they were for work. Seriously? Do you not see that our marriage is falling apart around us?

I have thought about and looked into marriage counseling, but he doesn’t seem to think it will do any good. Well, apparently we didn’t learn our lesson. I have thought about finding my own place, but I love my husband.

I have tried to tell him how I feel, but I really do not think that he was even listening to me the last time, at least it did not feel like it. I have been standing up to him more when he says something that pisses me off, but not sure that does any good either.

A1 and A2 are unhappy and the world is ending. The other are unhappy, they must have done something wrong. A1 has a D in an easy class, its ok because “no one will let her take their picture,” but when #3 had a C in the same class, he was just being lazy. A1 always has an excuse, but hers are believed, no matter how many times they are not her fault.

A1 and #1 could do the same thing, independent of each other and #1 will probably be the only one who gets in trouble for it. A2 and #4 do the same thing and #4 will be the “whiny baby.”

Tuesday

I am trying so hard to focus at the office, but I feel like my entire life is falling apart and I am failing at everything. There is not enough money coming in the office to pay my check. My marriage is falling apart, I don’t even feel like Alex cares if I leave anymore. #1 is starting to skip again. #3 hasn’t been to his PE class in over a week, but swears he was…

What have I done wrong?????

Last night, I could not fall asleep so I read my book and then cried myself to sleep. Today, Alex gave me a one-armed hug before he left.

Now what?

I tried. Really thought a couple days together could help. Things were going ok, but then they weren’t. I will not be the reason he doesn’t have his kids. I know there is NOTHING in the world more important to him. NOTHING. That is why I said I will move. I won’t make him choose.

We are both a package deal. We have known that since day one.

Now what?

Is it gone?

As I lay here in bed listening to my 100+ pound dog snore, I wonder what is happening to my life. I have worked hard to try to do what was best for my family, but I keep feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m alone. The one person I’m supposed to be able to talk to gets mad at me and doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m his enemy. I hate it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I’ve already lost him.

Sometimes I just want to run away from being me. Work, home, kids, family, responsibilities, clients, all of it. But then I remember that despite it all, I love them. I love my kids, I want the best for them. I don’t want to coddle them, but I dont want to lose them either. I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him, but I hate how unhappy he is. I just feel like he regrets me.

I just don’t know because we don’t talk. We fight, we jab. We both get defensive, but we don’t talk anymore. I miss that. I miss telling him how I felt, no matter what. I miss all of it. I hope it’s not gone. I hope its just hiding and we can pull it back out. Our toolbox is broken, but how do we fix it when one won’t help? I can’t do it alone.

Just Tell Me Everything Will be Ok…

Where did I go wrong? I am so tired that I have no idea what to do anymore. #1 won’t go to a class that she “knows” that she can’t pass, but goes to the other one that she is failing. Alex just informed me that #1 can go to class or move out. Yay. Like I don’t worry enough about whether or not she goes to class?

Alex seems mad at me because I didn’t go visit him while he is out of town for two weeks for work, because I haven’t put life on hold while he is gone, and because I don’t think I will be able to visit him the next time he is out of town. Oh, but I am not supposed to be upset that he got pissy with me for making plans for us for more than one day while he is in home. I was able to get plans for the four for New Year’s. So, I was going to try to surprise him. GM wouldn’t agree to keep the girls without him deciding. He won’t decide, he is leaving it up to the girls. I figured instead of booking a room for one night, I booked it for two since we did not do anything for our anniversary. I told him that I made plans for both nights and his response? He thought it was just going to be the one night. Well, excuuuuse me for trying to save our marriage…

I went out two nights this week. One night for a work event, stayed longer than I planned and he seemed upset with me. Then, last night I went out to a thing for someone he works with and he seemed pissed that I was there so late. I didn’t even drink. Was just trying to relax and pretend my life isn’t falling apart.

I am so tired. I am tired of feeling like I am fighting for my marriage alone. Tired of feeling like I have to choose between my kids and my husband. I am tired of feeling like a failure. I am tired of feeling like I can’t do anything right.

Can we throw in that my work life feels like I am falling apart also? I feel like I am the only one that is doing anything that will actually make our office money, but I can only work so much without burning out. I am too young to burn out.

Unhappy

Here I sit on the plane headed back to reality and realize that we aren’t happy. We haven’t been happy for a while. We aren’t “I’m leaving” unhappy, just unhappy. I know it’s not just me. You’re right, we haven’t felt like a team for a while. I just don’t know what to do about it. I bring up counseling and you scoff at the idea. I try to talk to you and it turns into a fight or a pissing match.
I am tired. I know you are too. I am tired of living in the same house, but feeling more like roommates than husband and wife. I just don’t know how to fix it. I know it’s hard to parent the kids the same, but we need to try. If I were to talk about A1 and A2 the way you talk about #1, #2, #3, and #4, you would get pissed. I know we have the four all the time and there is nothing I can do about that. I am sorry that they have more problems than your Angels. Maybe it’s not that, maybe it’s just that they have different rules. They aren’t held to not being attached to their phones.
I wasn’t joking the other night when I said you have different standards, you may not see it, but everyone else does. If A1 and #3 were to do the exact same thing, you would be mad at A1 briefly and #3 would never live it down. If A1 or A2 tell you something about me or one of the four, you take it as golden. If someone says something about A1 or A2, you get their side, or just don’t believe it. I know you don’t see that and you’re thinking, “but the four always lie.” A1 and A2 may not outright lie, but the twist things to get exactly what they want.
When #3 was in sports, you told him that we wouldn’t go to all the events, especially if it was at the same time as someone else’s event. But when the girls are in sports, you figure out a way to make it to everything.
You got mad because I had a one night work event. Twice a year there are things I have to do out of town. Mid-year and the mixer. Both are for my career. But I’m just supposed to suck it up when you’re gone for a month, or two weeks at a time, to further your career.
I don’t know what to do anymore Alex. I am getting to the point that I expect not to talk to you because I am tired of fighting with you.
It’s like the whole highlighter thing last weekend. She decided to stay in one spot and throw a fit because heaven forbid I buy the wrong size highlighters. Instead of calling me or texting me to find me, she calls you. Then, you give her what she wants and buy her the skinny highlighters. No, I don’t care that they were the same price. That’s not the point and you know it.
Well, we are making our descent. Not sure if I’ll post this or even send it to you, but at least this way I got it out. I do love you Alex.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? I can’t focus even though I know I am running out of time to study. Everything seems to be pissing me off. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a month. My migraines have come back. I just bawled on the phone with the student loan people over $5. For the most part life is going well lately, but I just feel like… I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.

#1 is doing amazing. She hasn’t hurt herself in 8 weeks. She smiles, she spends time with us, she laughs, she hugs me, she even cuddles me.

Alex got offered the job that he has been wanting.

I don’t have to deal with KD now that he is in prison and probably going to be for awhile.

However, I still can’t focus and I feel like crying. I just had what I can only analogize to a panic attack. I got the chills, my breathing sped up, I felt overwhelmed, and suddenly started bawling. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills. I finally stopped crying and I think my breathing slowed back down, but that is about it.

My stepmom is in the hospital, intubated after my dad found her on the floor unconscious. So far, it is just pneumonia.

I haven’t talked to my mother in two weeks because my youngest brother decided to try to start drama between A1 and I by telling her via Snap-chat that I called her a dramatic bitch. Then, he denied it and of course my mother believed him…Seriously, because the kid that threatened to shoot up the school via the same social media site wouldn’t do such a thing….

Something is up with #3, but he won’t admit it and just seems to become lazier and less caring every single day. Just when I think he couldn’t possibly piss me off more, he does.

#4 has had quite a few “I miss Daddy” breakdowns lately. I understand, it will be two years next month seen she saw him last, but I wish she would understand that he is not coming back and he is not the wonderful person she sees in her head.

#2 is literally here to eat, shower, sleep, and do laundry. Which isn’t all bad, but at the same time….

Then there are the other two…I am just not going to get started on that right now.

Trying to study is kicking my ass. I feel like there is no way I am ever going to be able to focus enough to get through this, let alone pass the bar.

I don’t even know what to do to help me at this moment.