By themselves, these three words are just words. Together they can change the world. Well, at least one person’s world.
When left unsaid, they can hurt.
Not sure when our phone calls stopped ending with “Love you” or “I love you.” Not sure when we stopped saying it before we leave. Not sure when we stopped saying it randomly. Not sure when we stopped saying it. It just happened. Kinda like you responding “you too” when I said” love you.” Did you stop loving me?
I miss you. I miss us. I miss you wanting to hold my hand or snuggle me. I miss you touching me when you walk by, just to feel me. I miss you snuggling me. I miss my best friend.
When did I stop being enough? When did you stop wanting me? When did you stop loving me?
I do not think that I have ever told you the exact moment I started to fall for you. It was early in our class. We were on one of our evening breaks and I was on the phone fighting with KD. When I got off the phone, I was crying because I was so upset. You came up, put your arm around me and asked if I was ok. After that, it was the little things so much more than the big things. It was the texts to see how I was doing. The offer to get me dinner. The small comment about my hair. The way you looked at me. The way we could talk to each other. We were friends first. We could tell each other anything. Then, one day we couldn’t any more. I want that back. I miss my best friend.
I dont know what to do anymore. I dont know if there is even anything left of my marriage. I’ve already lost most of my kids. I feel like I have no one. The one person who is supposed to be there for me no matter what has now run from me twice in two days when I have needed him the most.
What is wrong with me? Am I really that bad of a parent? Am I that bad of a person? I’m starting to think that’s what it is. Maybe I should have just let KD have the kids. Not sure he could have screwed them up anymore than I have. Maybe i should not have come back that morning. Alex’s life couldn’t have been any worse than it is with me in it.
He says he wants me, that may be, but he only wants part of me. He wants the person he thinks I should be. Quiet, kid free, the perfect housewife. I am none of those. Never have been, never will be.
I try to do everything I can to make him happy. I know it’s not on me. The only thing left to make him happy is to leave. Oh, sure, he’d be sad for a bit, but not for long. He would have his office back, he would be able to take the locks off of things, he wouldn’t have to see my kids, he could finish the house, he could do whatever he wants for and with the girls without anyone questioning him, he would have his quiet time.
Me, I would be back at square one. No home, no friends, no furniture, no partner. I would lose two of my kids. My best friend and two kids, that would kill me the most.
I am so tired. I dont know if I can handle any of it anymore. I am obviously a terrible wife and mother. I really just want to be done with life. Two failed marriages. Failed at raising kids. The two things I thought I was good at. I guess I was wrong, I am the problem, not them.
I wish, for his and the girls’ sake, Alex had never met me.
I really don’t even know what to write. I can’t seem to focus on anything, but I guess that is why I went to my doctor to restart my antidepressant. Alex and I fight about everything. I question what he says or does when I don’t understand and it starts a fight. Am I supposed to just sit and stew on it instead? I just don’t understand. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, but I feel like the distance between us is only increasing. The kids all seem to feel it. Some play on it, others ignore it. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I love A1 and A2, despite what they think. Well, I am pretty certain that A1 knows it. For the most part, she even acts like she loves me too. A2, on the other hand, I am pretty sure that she wishes me and mine would just drop off the face of her world. Alex does things to avoid making #4 mad, especially when it comes to #4. A2 treats #4 worse than #3 treats #4, but he only calls out #3. I say something and it is, of course, #4’s fault because she has too much energy, or whatever.
More and more I wonder if Alex regrets moving us in to the house, or even bringing me into his life for that matter. I love my husband, but i hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I know I am the central cause of that unhappiness. I feel like we are more roommates than partners or team members. Neither of us deserve that.
We try to keep up on our date nights and go to our counseling appointments every two weeks. I feel like there is so much more that is missing. The touch of a hand, the random words of love and support, the messages that say hey, I just heard this song and thought of you. I know it is both of us, but I don’t know how to fix it. I am not even sure I know when the last time either of us said I love you to the other one. I really just want to curl up and cry.
I heard from #1, the first time since her graduation. Yes, she graduated, barely, but she did. She only contacted me because she needs me to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA. Little does she know, her FAFSA is done, except er signature. I will tell her when she comes by the office to get her SS card and mail (FAFSA info).
#2 has been fairly MIA for summer break, which is fine. He has worked at the boys and girls club, hung out with my grandmother, and helped his grandparents. I have a feeling that he will move out when he turns 18, so long as he gets a job before then. Regardless of still having another year of high school. He has not been consistently taking his medicine.
#3…well…where do I start…in the last two weeks of school, he accused a teacher of ripping his back pack off his back. Of course, it was false. There were not any real consequences for him. The school let him stay in the office during that teacher’s class so that the teacher did not have to see him. Since it was so late in the school year, the school did not have after school detention. I have made him write apology letters, and he will continue to write them until I am satisfied with them. Then, he had summer school because he was not turning stuff in for a different class all semester and failed the class. I got him signed up for the half credit of summer school and took him to the orientation. The days were three hours long. He was done before the end of the third day. He said the work was like third grade work. This pisses me off as a parent and as a tax payer. I plan to talk to the school district. He and I got into a fight because he refused to clean the kitchen. I am looking into a residential treatment facility out of the state so that it is not optional for him to attend. I then gave him the option of me continuing with looking into it or him attending regular counseling. He did not give me a decision. He treats #4 like crap. I do not know how to teach her that how she is treated by some of her siblings is not how she deserves to be treated.
A1 finished school with all As. She has her moments, but seems to be trying to step up regarding #4 with #1 being gone. She knows things aren’t right, she can feel it.
A2 also finished school with all As. She is as pissy as ever. If she is not snuggled up to Alex, she is pouting. The other day, the three girls were on the couch, #4 was in the middle. A1 invited one of the dogs up between her and #4. I suggested #4 scoot over, she did, but was very careful to stay on her cushion. You would have thought that #4 sat on her lap the way she reacted, eye roll, huffing, the whole nine yards. Last night, Alex had #3 sit in the middle in the truck because heaven forbid A2 have to sit next to #4. I had literally just told all of them that #4 would be sitting in the middle since she is shorter because since the boys have gotten so tall, Alex gets mad at the boys for sitting in the middle. When we went to dinner, it was a big booth, but not big enough for Alex, A2, and I (the three biggest butts in the family, not picking on anyone, just stating the obvious). A2 always sits next to Alex when we go out, if she doesn’t she sits and pouts nonstop. Alex got mad because I said I thought that maybe she should sit on the kids’ side. Dinner was fabulous.
#4 is rambunctious. There is no debating that. She is starting to take after her siblings in the lazy department and I am working on it. A2 and #3 talk to her like she is garbage. I am trying to get her not to internalize that.
I am hoping that we can work through all of these issues, sooner rather than later. I do not want to lose my best friend, but I worry I already have. I guess more what I want is my best friend back.
That’s what I must be. I have failed at being a wife, twice now. I have obviously failed at being a mother. I have failed at being a friend, that’s why my only friends work with me, are Alex’s friend’s, or don’t talk to me.
If I am not a failure of a mother, why does my daughter not talk to me? Why is she not going to graduate? Why did she try to kill herself? Why do my children lie and steal? Why did my son touch his sister? Why do my children steal? Why does my 9 year old want to hurt herself? Why does my husband hate my children?
Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.
Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.
A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.
You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.
It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.
At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.
I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.
I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.
No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.
We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.
I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.
Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.
#1 moved out this weekend. It was her choice. I have been telling her to follow the rules, or pack her shit and get out. She has been pushing and pushing. Saturday she called me from a friend’s phone and told me she was spending the night there. I told her no. She argued with me and I told her she could go home, or she could pack her shit and leave. She chose the latter. It is fucking killing me. I don’t know where she is, I don’t really know if she is ok. All I can do is hope and pray. I message her on Instagram, but that is the only way I can reach her. I just want to hold her in my arms.
I know this is best for her and all my kids because it shows them that choices have consequences and we will stick by what we say. But it does not make it any easier.
I have been burying myself in work when I can. Each day hurts a little less, but then i see something, or hear something and i just want to curl up and cry.
I miss her more than she will ever understand. This is truly one of those times that i can say it hurts me more than her.
Update: 7:15 PM
I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I just want to cry and have someone hold me. All Alex wants to do is get mad at #2 and threaten to kick him out too. I realized that I have no one. I wish my mom or dad was closer. I just want ro know it will be okay. I wish I could climb in a hole and disappear. I know I can’t though, my kids need me. That is what keeps me going, my kids.
How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.
I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.
He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.
I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.
How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.
Mom in Reality 