I know that there are readers that will be shocked and pissed off at me when I am done with this post, but these are my feelings and I need to get them out before I go crazy.
I just got off the phone with my attorney and found out that KD’s attorney is threatening to file a contempt motion against me because KD cannot get half of the cash and food assistance from the state for the kids. The way our state works, who ever claims them first gets them. I talked to the representative on the phone when I reported that we were back to a 50/50 schedule. I asked her how I would go about taking two of the kids off my benefits to let him claim them. I was told that the only way to do it was for us to say that he had two of them for more than 50% of the time. So, unless I lie, there is no way to split up the kids. I am so tired of jumping through hoops to do what I am supposed to while he gets away with doing whatever he wants. He still has not started anger management classes, he still is not taking #4 to the daycare, he still has not taken care of getting #4’s application done to start school, he is not always letting me talk to them every other day, but does he get in trouble? No, of course not.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the fight. I am having to run in circles because of the crap he pulls, but there are no consequences for him. Why? What have I done that is so wrong that this world is constantly against me? I feel like every time things start to look up, life gets in the way again. I am constantly bombarded by KD about the kids’ karate, but he doesn’t ever take #2 to Boy Scouts and no one has a problem with that. I just don’t understand. I just don’t want to play these stupid games anymore. Why can’t he just care about his kids? Is it just me? Am I really the bad guy? Why do they talk to him when he actually calls, but I can’t hardly get a hello out of them when I call. Am I really that bad of a parent?
I see how unhappy my kids are with the way things are, I see how unhappy Alex is because of the way things are with us, I see how unhappy his girls are because I make them miss their mom, my own family doesn’t really talk to me. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take anyone to notice if I just disappeared. Well, KD would notice when I didn’t show up to get the kids on Monday morning, but how long would it take everyone else? How long would it take them to get over it? I don’t have the guts to just walk away from my life, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering.
My last day of work was last Thursday. I had an interview for another job on Tuesday and will be starting that job on the 14th of this month. I am waiting for Housing to do their inspection of the new apartment and then I will be able to sign the lease and move in as long as I have the okay from the court because my home is changing school districts. Forget the fact that it has absolutely no bearing on the kids’ school… Just another thing that is in my way. My car blew a gasket last week. My uncle is fixing it, but it is still $300 I didn’t really have. I have to pay rent at 2 apartments, pay my Gonzaga deposit, and pay the apartment deposit. Alex offered to loan me the money for the car when I couldn’t find any other way to do it all.
Alex found a house to buy. I am excited for him and the girls. I am jealous too. I am trying not to be, but I am not going to lie, I am. I know I made my the choices that have put me where I am in my life, but I get so frustrated that I have worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. I know I have my kids, who for the most are not that bad. I know they drive me crazy, I know they have things to improve on, but they also have some pretty amazing moments that make me proud to say they are mine. I miss them. A lot. I am sure that by this time next week, I will be going out of my mind because next week is spring break and they will be home with me, but right now, I miss them.
This is not how I planned my life. I know that life rarely goes the way we plan, but dammit. I am so tired. Not just physically, but all around. I don’t know how, its not like I have really been doing much this week. I did go to three job interviews, drop my papers off at Housing, go grocery shopping, make dinner, and help Alex pack some more of the stuff he doesn’t really use. All the running around was done by bus, so that was time consuming.
I stopped taking the Zoloft because I broke out in hives after being on it for two weeks. Now that I am off that and the hives are gone, I am starting Prozac. She still has me taking the hydroxyzine at night before I go to bed and any other time I get worked up. I just feel so overwhelmed so much of the time lately. I can’t wait to get settled into the new apartment and start the new job to get back to some routine and consistency.
Today, I have to go meet my attorney so that we can confirm one more time that the only way to get KD half the benefits is to lie. That way if KD’s attorney files a contempt motion, we can show that I did everything I could and did not prevent KD from getting benefits. Then, I have to ride to the other side of town to get my last paycheck, clean out my locker, and turn in my badge. Hoping I can make it before they close because I am not meeting my attorney until 1:30 and there won’t be anyone at my old job after 5:00.
I know that I will be okay, I always am. I just get overwhelmed and feel lost sometimes.