Patience and Follow through Pays Off

Shocking, KD did not show up for the hearing. We were scheduled second up at 1:30. He called the courtroom at 1:25 and the clerk told him to call back at 2:00. 2:25 rolled around and he hadn’t called. The commissioner was going to continue it for a week and sanction him for $200. I argued with her that the commissioner that morning had already ruled it in default. Finally, the commissioner told her clerk to take me up to our regular commissioner. Our commissioner looked at me and asked if KD ever showed up. I said no. He looked at the note from the other commissioner and signed all 4 of my orders.

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Patience really does pay off.

I picked up the kids from school and the bus. KD was at the bus and #2 wanted something from him. I went over to ask him for it and he told me that I needed to go away. So I told #2 that Dad said no. They were a little mad at first, but it didn’t last long. The weekend was better than I expected. Alex and I went on a dinner date with some friends Saturday night.

They are going to be mad when we discuss school next year. I spent all day today giving copies of the orders to places that needed them and getting the kids registered for school for next year.

I won’t change school on them until school starts next year, that would be too much.

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Quotes for today.

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This is #2. He needs the most, but everyone wants to give him the lady because of how he acts.

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Umm. Yes. All 6 kids do annoy me at times.

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3 cups of coffee,  not enough.

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I have been that close to losing it all day

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This is where so many fights start. Just LISTEN the first time.

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Oh, I’m sure I’m screwing them all up.

Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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I AM to Blame

As parent, when my child is having problems, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a girlfriend, when my boyfriend shuts down, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a friend, when a friend pulls away, I wonder what I am doing wrong. I always assume that the fault lies with me. I guess I hope that if the fault lies with me, I can fix it. Unfortunately that is not always the case.

We are having a great deal of problems with #1. She got suspended for one day last week because of an incident between her, #3, KD. It all came down to a he said, she said between #1 and KD, neither of which I am inclined to believe. Then, Wednesday night, #1 was supposed to be outside raking and when I went to check on her, she was gone. Alex, A1, and I all checked the house and could not find her. After about 30 minutes of driving around looking for her, I called 911 and reported her as a runaway. She finally showed back up after being gone for about two hours, but of course I had to tell KD what was going on and he turned it into being about us staying at Alex’s. Then, there were attitude issues over the weekend with #1 and #2. #3 was busted for scraping paint off the wall and lying about it. It was not the best of weekends. Then, there was the call from the principal yesterday. Apparently, there was a rumor started at the school that #1 had had sex. After an investigation into the issue, the principal and another teacher established that #1 started the rumor about herself. She is suspended for the last three days of school. I met her and KD at her counseling appointment last night, but no one could get her to talk, even after KD and I left the room. Then I get home last night and A1 established that either #1 or #4 had been getting into her stuff. This of course pushed Alex even farther. I don’t know what to do with her.

Alex has been very distant since Saturday. I am scared. I am scared that we are going to put our all into this and end up at a point where everyone gets hurt and we hate each other. I do not want that. I tried to talk to him Monday night, but it was another night where I felt like I was talking to the wall. So, I just got ready for and went to bed. Then, last night we sat on opposite ends of the couch in silence. I was studying and he was playing on his phone.

We have A1 and A2 again tonight, so there probably won’t be any talking tonight. Tomorrow we have counseling so maybe that will at least get us started talking again. Yes, I am tired of hearing about some of the things that are bothering him, but I can’t change them and I don’t want him to just clam up either. I feel like we are falling right back into the old pattern of shutting each other out. I have been straight forward with him over the last few weeks, no matter how he might react. I know he has tried also, but the last few days has been hard. I feel like he is shutting me out again. I can’t go through that again.

If either of us lets go this time, it will be the last time. I hope we don’t push each other to that point. I want to spend the rest of my life by Alex’s side. I love him and want to be with him forever. I want to be a team. I want to be a family. I want to know that he is 100% behind me with my schooling. I want to support him in the choices that he makes. I want to be in this together, forever.

Well, I have stalled long enough. I need to study and get ready for school. Oh, by the way, I SURVIVED my first day of LAW SCHOOL!!!!

I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

A Day to Forget

What a long couple weeks it has been. #1 is on the verge of expulsion. KD and I are actually (even if it is temporary) on the same page as far as her punishment. Alex and I broke up, my choice this time.

Yesterday was very emotional, but I made it through. I took off my ring, broke up with Alex, found out my daughter’ step day suspension is a five day suspension with possible expulsion, KD and I actually conversed and cried together, and we had the boys’ spring concert last night. I only lost it once and I think I’m doing ok. I’m going to survive the same way I survive everything else, day by day.

Back to work…more another time ๐Ÿ™‚

Moving Sucks!

Moving sucks, but moving two separate households into two separate households really sucks. I knew going into this move that Alex had his own stuff to worry about because he was supposed to be out of town for work next weekend. I knew that I was not a priority. This house is his first step to creating a new life for him and the girls. I know I spend more time at his place than he does at mine, but that is his choice, not mine. I just got frustrated that I did so much for his move and he put off the only thing I asked for help with. I wouldn’t have even asked for help if I had the tools myself because I didn’t want to bother him. Then when I stopped unpacking at my place to take him his load of laundry, have a late dinner, and go to bed, he asked me to empty a box. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that he helped with the bed for #2, picked up some thugs at the old apartment, brought a load in his car, and put my bed together. I just had high expectations. I shouldn’t have, but I did.
There were people I expected to help me, but few did. S and E came Friday with her work can and his trailer. They brought her 21yr old also. It’s basically done now. A few incidentals left. Now for the unpacking.
The new job is going well!! I love the people.
My stepmom has been in the ICU since Friday with pneumonia in both lungs. She can’t keep her O2 sats up long enough to take the mask off, but Dad said she ate today.

Monday Morning Smile

I was in my room this morning with #1 and #4 getting ready for the day. I had just finished putting #4’s hair up in a pony tail and sent her to go get breakfast. As she was walking out the following was said…

#1: “Why is her hair always so pretty?”
#4, without skipping a beat or turning around: “Because it’s blonde.”

I looked at #1 with a smile and said: “Well there ya go.” We both laughed.

Great way to start a Monday. ๐Ÿ™‚

Spring Break is….OVER!!

Spring break is over. The kids go back to KD and school tomorrow. The apartment is almost completely packed and a big portion of the cleaning is done. There is some cleaning that I cannot do until I get all of the stuff out of here. The girls’ room is empty and cleaned, just needs new blinds. The boys’ room is empty, except for their beds and needs to have a final clean. The half bath is empty, clean, and locked so no one can mess it up. I wiped the hallway walls and most of the living room walls today. Nail holes should all be full now, except the couple I cannot reach because there are boxes in the way. The kids are excited that tonight is their last night here. The next time they are with me, we will be in the new place. I am excited because I will have a washer and dryer in my unit and can do laundry whenever it needs to be done.

Alex has the girls tomorrow because GM has something else going on so I will be here instead of with him. They came over on Friday so that he could help me with a couple of things that I was having issues with taking apart. While they were here, he told me that A1 wasn’t sure if she wanted me to come over or not on Monday. Then he asked her on Saturday if she had figured it out yet and she said she was still thinking. I thought about it quite a bit last night and this morning, I told him not to worry about it. I don’t want to feel like I am pushing myself on her anymore. I can’t. It hurts too much to be there and constantly get the cold shoulder from her. I love those girls. I love Alex. I am afraid I will never be enough for them. I haven’t heard from him much today. I asked him what was wrong this afternoon because he was answering all my texts with short answers. He didn’t answer that. I told him that I knew something was bothering him, other than just being tired. Still no answer. This evening, I asked him if he was ready to talk to me, but he did not respond. So, I guess I will leave him alone. He knows I am here. He knows I love him. He will talk to me when he is ready I guess.

This week was not near as bad as it could have been. My kids did drive me a little insane, but there were some really good times also. We went different parks for lunches, they helped some here, they played outside, they slept in at least one day, we spent time with my grandma, we spent time with Alex and the girls, we attempted a surprise party for my mom’s 50th birthday party, and they made it to Taekwondo once. We had some goofy times. Over all, the week was actually pretty good. They even volunteered to help when I was cleaning. Very few complaints when I asked for help even. Oh, and an agreed order to allow me to move the kids (yes, we accomplished something outside of court!)

I start my new job in the morning. I am excited for the new challenge, but nervous about the change. It is similar to what I have been doing, but not exactly the same so wish me luck. I guess, I should probably wrap this up and attempt sleep. #4 has been sleeping with me for a few days and #1’s mattress has been on my bedroom floor for about three days. Can you guess how much sleep this mommy has gotten??

OVERLOAD!

I know that there are readers that will be shocked and pissed off at me when I am done with this post, but these are my feelings and I need to get them out before I go crazy.ย 

I just got off the phone with my attorney and found out that KD’s attorney is threatening to file a contempt motion against me because KD cannot get half of the cash and food assistance from the state for the kids. The way our state works, who ever claims them first gets them. I talked to the representative on the phone when I reported that we were back to a 50/50 schedule. I asked her how I would go about taking two of the kids off my benefits to let him claim them. I was told that the only way to do it was for us to say that he had two of them for more than 50% of the time. So, unless I lie, there is no way to split up the kids. I am so tired of jumping through hoops to do what I am supposed to while he gets away with doing whatever he wants. He still has not started anger management classes, he still is not taking #4 to the daycare, he still has not taken care of getting #4’s application done to start school, he is not always letting me talk to them every other day, but does he get in trouble? No, of course not.

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the fight. I am having to run in circles because of the crap he pulls, but there are no consequences for him. Why? What have I done that is so wrong that this world is constantly against me? I feel like every time things start to look up, life gets in the way again. I am constantly bombarded by KD about the kids’ karate, but he doesn’t ever take #2 to Boy Scouts and no one has a problem with that. I just don’t understand. I just don’t want to play these stupid games anymore. Why can’t he just care about his kids? Is it just me? Am I really the bad guy? Why do they talk to him when he actually calls, but I can’t hardly get a hello out of them when I call. Am I really that bad of a parent?

I see how unhappy my kids are with the way things are, I see how unhappy Alex is because of the way things are with us, I see how unhappy his girls are because I make them miss their mom, my own family doesn’t really talk to me. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take anyone to notice if I just disappeared. Well, KD would notice when I didn’t show up to get the kids on Monday morning, but how long would it take everyone else? How long would it take them to get over it? I don’t have the guts to just walk away from my life, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering.

My last day of work was last Thursday. I had an interview for another job on Tuesday and will be starting that job on the 14th of this month. I am waiting for Housing to do their inspection of the new apartment and then I will be able to sign the lease and move in as long as I have the okay from the court because my home is changing school districts. Forget the fact that it has absolutely no bearing on the kids’ school… Just another thing that is in my way. My car blew a gasket last week. My uncle is fixing it, but it is still $300 I didn’t really have. I have to pay rent at 2 apartments, pay my Gonzaga deposit, and pay the apartment deposit. Alex offered to loan me the money for the car when I couldn’t find any other way to do it all.

Alex found a house to buy. I am excited for him and the girls. I am jealous too. I am trying not to be, but I am not going to lie, I am. I know I made my the choices that have put me where I am in my life, but I get so frustrated that I have worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. I know I have my kids, who for the most are not that bad. I know they drive me crazy, I know they have things to improve on, but they also have some pretty amazing moments that make me proud to say they are mine. I miss them. A lot. I am sure that by this time next week, I will be going out of my mind because next week is spring break and they will be home with me, but right now, I miss them.

This is not how I planned my life. I know that life rarely goes the way we plan, but dammit. I am so tired. Not just physically, but all around. I don’t know how, its not like I have really been doing much this week. I did go to three job interviews, drop my papers off at Housing, go grocery shopping, make dinner, and help Alex pack some more of the stuff he doesn’t really use. All the running around was done by bus, so that was time consuming.

I stopped taking the Zoloft because I broke out in hives after being on it for two weeks. Now that I am off that and the hives are gone, I am starting Prozac. She still has me taking the hydroxyzine at night before I go to bed and any other time I get worked up. I just feel so overwhelmed so much of the time lately. I can’t wait to get settled into the new apartment and start the new job to get back to some routine and consistency.

Today, I have to go meet my attorney so that we can confirm one more time that the only way to get KD half the benefits is to lie. That way if KD’s attorney files a contempt motion, we can show that I did everything I could and did not prevent KD from getting benefits. Then, I have to ride to the other side of town to get my last paycheck, clean out my locker, and turn in my badge. Hoping I can make it before they close because I am not meeting my attorney until 1:30 and there won’t be anyone at my old job after 5:00.

I know that I will be okay, I always am. I just get overwhelmed and feel lost sometimes.