Love Changes

Love is whenI don’t know how people can say their love hasn’t changed. I have never understood that. My love for
Alex is always changing, evolving. Some parts

Hook, line, sinker

stay Can you feel the butterfliesthe same. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is my best friend, has been almost from day one. I fell for him faster than I ever wanted to admit, I was afraid to fall for him. How could I ever get a man like that? How could he ever fall for me? I will never understand what he saw in me back then, or even what he sees in me now.

He always asks me whether he still gives me butterflies and goosebumps, he does. Even when we are fighting, my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and his smile is still what calms me. When I am upset, even if I am upset with him, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. So, yes, in some ways, it has stayed the same. At the same time, I love him more and different because we have been through so much, good and bad, over the last five years. How could I not?

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Reassurance

Alex has continued to try to reassure me that we20120615-110017.jpg will figure this out for OUR family. He even looked into whether or not we could get married while in Alaska later this month. I am trying to look at everything positively. I am doing better since Monday, but I still have my moments of negativity.

It doesn’t help that CPS has put no definite “if you [A], then the girls can go back to the 50/50 schedule.” Alex told GM that he wants the three of us to sit down and figure out what needs to happen for GM to feel comfortable with them coming home. He also suggested that maybe we include the social worker in on the conversation. I told him that he needs to call the social worker, he left her a message yesterday.

20120507-183719.jpgI did the orientation and signed #2 up for the Boys and Girls club. The community organization that I called finally got back to me yesterday and scheduled an assessment for #2. We decided that since #3 and #4 are not showing any distress over the situation and seem to be fine around #2, we are not going to get them into services because we do not want to stir anything up.

I have not called the group home yet. I am just not certain about that one.

Birthdays start next week. I cannot believe my “baby” will be 6.

I love Alex. I love our family. I just feel like I have failed them.

Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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How Do You Prove How Strong Your Love Is?

Over the last year, I have done my best trying to prove to Alex how much I love him. P20140103-221923.jpgrove to him that I am in this forever, rain or shine. After his accident, I did every thing he needed me to do. I ran our family, I took a leave of absence from law school, I cared for him, I stood by his side, I stood up for him. He still seemed to doubt that I was going to be there. It hurt. I finally asked him if I would ever be able to prove to him how much I love him.

I thought we had finally gotten past that, but last night he said something20140307-204513.jpg that made me realize that he still doesn’t fully believe that I am here to stay. Every time he asks me not to leave him, it hurts. I don’t care what happens, I am here no matter what. Rain or shine. Sickness and health. I thought I had proven that to him by now.

I have been pretty distant since his comment. I just don’t know what to say to him. I love him and know that I am blessed to have him in my life. I just wish he could let go and believe in me, in us. 20130603-200805.jpg

Weekend Getaway

I am sorry I haven’t been posting. Alex and I have done a better job talking to eachother. I’m not gonna lie, we both still bottle things up and shut down, but not as much.

The last few days has been…stressful. who am I kidding? Things have been stressful for awhile. I’m not expecting things to be easy, but I wish we could catch a break once in a while.

We have planned a getaway for Saturday. I am definitely looking forward to that. I am hoping we can both relax and enjoy it. We both need it.

I am all set up to start back to school in May. I will be doing the 2 year program instead of the 3 year and will still graduate in 2017.

Well, I guess I better get my grocery shopping done and get home.

I’m still here

I know it’s been a long time since my last post. Law school was kicking my butt when I wasn’t doing my mom duties or sleeping. Then at the end of October, Alex was in a bad car accident and need 24/7 care for the first while after his 2 weeks in the hospital. So, of course I took a leave of absence to care for my love and our family and will start back to school in May.
I am happy to say that he is doing better and there are days I forget how bad it was and how close I was to losing him that day. There were
many times I wanted to post during that time, but I didn’t want him to worry. We did get our wedding rings and are wearing them. No set date, but in our hearts it’s already done.
In a week and a half, I will be having surgery on a labral tear in my hip. Not going to lie, I’m nervous. It’s just outpatient so I should be ok, but it’s still scary.
Well, I had a dye job go wrong last week and am correcting (hopefully) it tonight and it is time to rinse.

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.