Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

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Patience and Follow through Pays Off

Shocking, KD did not show up for the hearing. We were scheduled second up at 1:30. He called the courtroom at 1:25 and the clerk told him to call back at 2:00. 2:25 rolled around and he hadn’t called. The commissioner was going to continue it for a week and sanction him for $200. I argued with her that the commissioner that morning had already ruled it in default. Finally, the commissioner told her clerk to take me up to our regular commissioner. Our commissioner looked at me and asked if KD ever showed up. I said no. He looked at the note from the other commissioner and signed all 4 of my orders.

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Patience really does pay off.

I picked up the kids from school and the bus. KD was at the bus and #2 wanted something from him. I went over to ask him for it and he told me that I needed to go away. So I told #2 that Dad said no. They were a little mad at first, but it didn’t last long. The weekend was better than I expected. Alex and I went on a dinner date with some friends Saturday night.

They are going to be mad when we discuss school next year. I spent all day today giving copies of the orders to places that needed them and getting the kids registered for school for next year.

I won’t change school on them until school starts next year, that would be too much.

Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.

I AM to Blame

As parent, when my child is having problems, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a girlfriend, when my boyfriend shuts down, I wonder what I am doing wrong. As a friend, when a friend pulls away, I wonder what I am doing wrong. I always assume that the fault lies with me. I guess I hope that if the fault lies with me, I can fix it. Unfortunately that is not always the case.

We are having a great deal of problems with #1. She got suspended for one day last week because of an incident between her, #3, KD. It all came down to a he said, she said between #1 and KD, neither of which I am inclined to believe. Then, Wednesday night, #1 was supposed to be outside raking and when I went to check on her, she was gone. Alex, A1, and I all checked the house and could not find her. After about 30 minutes of driving around looking for her, I called 911 and reported her as a runaway. She finally showed back up after being gone for about two hours, but of course I had to tell KD what was going on and he turned it into being about us staying at Alex’s. Then, there were attitude issues over the weekend with #1 and #2. #3 was busted for scraping paint off the wall and lying about it. It was not the best of weekends. Then, there was the call from the principal yesterday. Apparently, there was a rumor started at the school that #1 had had sex. After an investigation into the issue, the principal and another teacher established that #1 started the rumor about herself. She is suspended for the last three days of school. I met her and KD at her counseling appointment last night, but no one could get her to talk, even after KD and I left the room. Then I get home last night and A1 established that either #1 or #4 had been getting into her stuff. This of course pushed Alex even farther. I don’t know what to do with her.

Alex has been very distant since Saturday. I am scared. I am scared that we are going to put our all into this and end up at a point where everyone gets hurt and we hate each other. I do not want that. I tried to talk to him Monday night, but it was another night where I felt like I was talking to the wall. So, I just got ready for and went to bed. Then, last night we sat on opposite ends of the couch in silence. I was studying and he was playing on his phone.

We have A1 and A2 again tonight, so there probably won’t be any talking tonight. Tomorrow we have counseling so maybe that will at least get us started talking again. Yes, I am tired of hearing about some of the things that are bothering him, but I can’t change them and I don’t want him to just clam up either. I feel like we are falling right back into the old pattern of shutting each other out. I have been straight forward with him over the last few weeks, no matter how he might react. I know he has tried also, but the last few days has been hard. I feel like he is shutting me out again. I can’t go through that again.

If either of us lets go this time, it will be the last time. I hope we don’t push each other to that point. I want to spend the rest of my life by Alex’s side. I love him and want to be with him forever. I want to be a team. I want to be a family. I want to know that he is 100% behind me with my schooling. I want to support him in the choices that he makes. I want to be in this together, forever.

Well, I have stalled long enough. I need to study and get ready for school. Oh, by the way, I SURVIVED my first day of LAW SCHOOL!!!!

Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.

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A Week Crammed With Emotion

As sit here in a hot bath, I contemplate the events, emotions, and advice of the past few days. These last few days have been jam packed with emotion.

Monday was spent with Alex and the girls because the kids were with KD. Other than the fact that I was beginning to fight off some type of stomach bug, it was a good day. Tuesday was fairly uneventful, although I was still spending a horrible amount of time in the bathroom.

Then Wednesday came. This is the day that our parenting conference with the GAL was scheduled. I started this day like any other and went to work. Shortly after arriving at work, we had a site-wide meeting. This is never a good thing. We were informed that our account was expected to be pulled by the end of March. The good news is that they are planning on having positions in other accounts for all of our agents. The bad news is that they cannot guarantee that they will be able to work with my schedule needs. Okay, maybe this is my hint that it is time to start getting my resume and cover letter out and try to get some type of position in the legal field. Then, the parenting conference. The short version is that the GAL is recommending that KD and I continue a week on week off schedule, participate in co-parenting communication counseling with the kids’ counselor, and both take the same parenting class. She is also recommending that KD participate in anger management and that #1 no longer be allowed to be unsupervised with any of the other children. Of course, because KD is passive aggressive and I stand up for myself and my children, it turned into what felt like a meeting bashing me. The GAL actually told me that my yelling is just as abusive to the children as KD’s physical abuse. I did share that I understand that there are aspects of my parenting that I need to work on. I also stated that I think it is great for KD to do the anger management and parenting class, but in order for these to be effective he needs to admit that there is even a problem. So, she turned to KD and asked him if he understood the need for the anger management and parenting classes. KD’s response was such a typical KD response that I probably could have answered for him. “I have taken anger management and parenting classes before, but you can always learn something new.” Really?

Then, we had court on Thursday. Unfortunately, the hearing went pretty much how we expected. The commissioner agreed with the GAL on all of the recommendations that she made. Basically, everyone was patting KD on the back for not doing a single thing over the last six months because he was following the court orders. What about the fact that he never tried to get the restrictions removed? So, we are back to full 50/50 with all four kids, we are to do the communication stuff, he is to do the anger management, and #1 cannot babysit the other kids.

I am starting to feel like I did in my marriage. I am feeling like maybe I am as crazy as they seem to think I am. If I am the only one that thinks that he is a danger, maybe I am wrong. I don’t know. I do know that I am tired of being accused of just trying to be vindictive. That is not what I am doing. I am trying to protect my kids. Aren’t I?

Alex left town on Thursday just before lunch to go to see his grandpa in the hospital. His grandpa is not doing well at all.

I have been staying at Alex’s even with him gone, but I cannot wait for him to come home tomorrow. I miss him. I was talking to a friend today who told me that Alex is a great guy and I am a lucky girl. I told her that I agree, on both accounts. He is pretty amazing. I am a little worried about him though. All the stress and lack of sleep is taking its toll on his immune system and he is getting sick. I worry about him coming back home over the mountain pass tomorrow because when he was like this for our trip over there this summer, he got a nasty ear infection.

I was approved for the new apartment! As long as the Section 8 housing goes through, I will be moved in by the end of March. I still have to file the required relocation paperwork and because my home is changing school districts (even though the kids will not actually be changing anything because they are in private school), and KD has the right to object, but because I am staying in the same town and nothing will change for the kids, I don’t see him having a basis for the objection.

The new place is only nine minutes from Alex’s apartment. It has a washer and dryer in the unit. One of #4 ‘s daycare teachers lives there so I am going to work out some carpooling and no school day arrangements with her. I am excited. I know that I need to start packing and probably should have been at my place doing that tonight, but I didn’t want to so I didn’t. I just sat here in Alex’s chair in my jammies and watched Netflix.

Well, I think that I might have gotten enough out that I can go to sleep now. I have to get some rest before Alex comes home tomorrow. Depending on how he is feeling, we are supposed to go out for our biweekly couples’ night tomorrow night because our friend had a birthday on Wednesday. Good night world (technically it is morning, but I haven’t slept yet so it does not count.)

What Will it Take??

Well, I know many of you are wondering how court went yesterday.

It sucked. Prior to the hearing,  the GAL told both attorneys that she wanted to talk to them. She quickly went over  her opinion of this hearing and what her final recommendation would be, barring any major statements from the counselor on Monday. After this chat, Pat pulled me into the empty courtroom to tell me. The GAL is recommending that we resume a 50/50 schedule with no supervision. She spoke with at least the three older kids on Wednesday and all three of them told her that they did not want Grandma (KD’s mom) there all the time and that none of them are afraid of him. Of course they aren’t afraid of him, their time has been supervised for almost  a year and the last incident was almost a year ago. I lost it. Basically, what these people are telling me and my kids is that I cannot protect them. We decided to continue the hearing for two weeks in order for me to digest what the GAL had to say. However, the only way that the other side would agree to a continuance was for us to drop supervision pending the next hearing. That means that KD is now with the kids unsupervised.

I was directly asked by a friend how I feel about all of this information. I had to stop and think for a minute. On one hand, I am outraged, angry, and scared. I am outraged that once again, KD can do whatever he wants to and get away with it. I am angry that the history and the CPS findings mean nothing. I am scared about what will happen next, or if my kids will even be willing to come forward when something happens. On the other hand,  I am happy to have my weeks back with Alex.

I am going to fight this through trial. I am not going to give up this time. It will have to be a judge’s decision that we stick with 50/50. That way, when something does happen again, I will be able to say that I did everything I could to protect these kids.