What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? I can’t focus even though I know I am running out of time to study. Everything seems to be pissing me off. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a month. My migraines have come back. I just bawled on the phone with the student loan people over $5. For the most part life is going well lately, but I just feel like… I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.

#1 is doing amazing. She hasn’t hurt herself in 8 weeks. She smiles, she spends time with us, she laughs, she hugs me, she even cuddles me.

Alex got offered the job that he has been wanting.

I don’t have to deal with KD now that he is in prison and probably going to be for awhile.

However, I still can’t focus and I feel like crying. I just had what I can only analogize to a panic attack. I got the chills, my breathing sped up, I felt overwhelmed, and suddenly started bawling. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills. I finally stopped crying and I think my breathing slowed back down, but that is about it.

My stepmom is in the hospital, intubated after my dad found her on the floor unconscious. So far, it is just pneumonia.

I haven’t talked to my mother in two weeks because my youngest brother decided to try to start drama between A1 and I by telling her via Snap-chat that I called her a dramatic bitch. Then, he denied it and of course my mother believed him…Seriously, because the kid that threatened to shoot up the school via the same social media site wouldn’t do such a thing….

Something is up with #3, but he won’t admit it and just seems to become lazier and less caring every single day. Just when I think he couldn’t possibly piss me off more, he does.

#4 has had quite a few “I miss Daddy” breakdowns lately. I understand, it will be two years next month seen she saw him last, but I wish she would understand that he is not coming back and he is not the wonderful person she sees in her head.

#2 is literally here to eat, shower, sleep, and do laundry. Which isn’t all bad, but at the same time….

Then there are the other two…I am just not going to get started on that right now.

Trying to study is kicking my ass. I feel like there is no way I am ever going to be able to focus enough to get through this, let alone pass the bar.

I don’t even know what to do to help me at this moment.

Advertisements

Focus

I have none today. #1 has told me a couple times since her last counseling session that her counselor was wanting to meet with me, so today I called and left the counselor a message. I missed her call when she called back, but basically, yes she wants to meet with me to discuss some things that #1 may not be comfortable discussing together. The soonest I can get in to meet with her counselor is Thursday. Now, I am trying to focus on work, but all I can do is stress. I always get super high anxiety when someone wants to talk about my kids. I feel like they are going to be telling me everything I am doing wrong. Like I don’t already know that I have screwed up my kids and continue to screw them up more every day?

I agreed to help out with a conference tomorrow with work, but I am starting to wish I hadn’t. I am sure the thought of standing up in front of 400-500 high school students and acting is adding a considerable amount to my anxiety level.

I start a new job next week. This is potentially my forever job. However, the employer is so not prepared to have an employee. That is adding to my anxiety.

Oh, and everyday life at home.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

Almost there!

As far as A1 and A2, we are back to normal. All the kids have started school. I am in semester two at law school and the wedding is in 18 days.

Lately,  with not being able to leave #2 alone with any of the other kids, KD not stepping up, me in school, and Alex not sleeping, I feel so far away from him. I wish we could get his sleep and pain under control so he could be more happy.

Things in our life are far from perfect. Our kids are not little angels; they lie, steal from each other, get into everything, are lazy, are inconsiderate, quick to act before thinking, and other things that drive us crazy, but they are our kids. They are not perfect, but no kid is. We love them anyways. We (repeatedly) teach them the right way and hope that someday it will stick. I’m not an expert (nor do I claim to be one) on parenting. I do not know how to “fix” them, I only know how to try to teach them.

The kids have had no time with KD and his family still.

I know we as a family have a lot going on. There is hardly a dull moment at our house…

In fact, right  now, I am sitting in the waiting room at #2’s counseling. I should be reading for school, but I can’t get my brain to slow down enough to concentrate on it. So here I am trying to get some of this out so I can concentrate.

I know this time of year is extra stressful for Alex at work because it is so busy. I am trying to take that into account when he blows his top. I know it’s not all the stress at work, I know he is losing patience with all the kids. I am too, but they are our children and we have a responsibility to teach them (as many times as it takes) the right thing to do and that every action has a consequence, good or bad. I know it’s hard, I get fed up too. I also realize that it won’t do anyone any good if we are both losing our patience at the same time all the time.

That is one of the nice things about the two of us, usually we can offset each other. Alex is my best friend, I just feel like he is a million miles away from me. I do try to be close to him while I study. I know it’s not enough for him. I wish I could give him more. I am trying to give him more time without falling behind in my studies. I am trying to get ahead so I don’t have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon.

Alex, I know you’re reading this. I love you and hope you know that I am trying to be everything for all of you and still be what I need to be for me. I cannot wait to be your wife. I am still thankful for meeting you and being lucky enough to call you mine. I love you.image

BRING ON THE RAIN

This has been one of my favorite songs since I was pregnant with #1. When life happens, this song helps me remember that a bad day does not mean that all is lost. I am just tired of the bad days piling up. Today is one of those days that hiding away and locking the door sounds nice. I am tired. I am overwhelmed.

 

 

Bring on the Rain
Jo Dee Messina (feat. Tim McGraw)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door20110415-023558.jpg
A single battle lost but not the war (’cause)

[Chorus:]
Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ’round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead, no (’cause)

[Chorus]

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight (’cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

[Chorus]

Bring on the rain; bring on the rain

Bring on the rain

Bring on, bring on, the rain

What was I thinking?????

I am starting to wonder if coming back to school was a good idea, or if I should have waited until the kids were older, like moved out. I am so freaking overwhelmed with all of this. The one class that I was pretty sure I understood is giving me the most problems. Yes, that means I should be working on my school work instead of typing this, but in order to work on my school work, I need to relax and calm down.
I need to make myself sit down and study more. I am hoping that now that the kids (most of them) are out of school, it will mellow out. This week has been chaotic. Kindergarten graduation, school BBQ, fifth grade program, school, meeting with a principal, and all the regular stuff. Next week, I get to add court and my grandmother into the mix. Oh goody. Part of me hopes he shows up so that I know he gives a shit, but part of me hopes he does not so that it can be done.
Take a deep breath and relax. Alex and I are going out to dinner tonight for our weekly date night/my birthday. I can’t wait. Tomorrow, we have a BBQ with my class, and Sunday a BBQ with friends.

Well, I guess my Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress paper is calling me to work on it.

Think positive

20120731-001847.jpgWe all survived the family vacation!! It was great to be able to see my grandparents, I love that they are so close now. I don’t think I realized how much I missed them. We spent quite a bit of time with them. They love Alex. You would have thought that they had known the girls their whole lives the way they were with them. We had a few issues, but overall not too bad.

Alex and I started discussing dates yesterday and I think that we ma have figured it out. It isn’t until September, but I am excited! I looked at dresses online yesterday. We have decided that we are going to do the ceremony without the kids. We just do not want to take any chances that any of the kids decides to throw a fit of some sorts. We will have a reception a couple weeks after the ceremony. I am thinking that we will have a big family dinner the first night that we have all of the kids home to celebrate just us.

KD had until yesterday to file and file a response for the contempt motions, but I did not get anything and the court’s website is not showing anything either. I am going today to file the return of service showing that the second two were mailed to him. This hearing on Friday should be a piece of cake.20121204-234533.jpg

I talked to the kids’ counselor yesterday because I asked her if she would support a modification this time. She told me that she will write a letter, but she is stopping private practice in a couple months. I am hoping to find #2 someone who specializes in Autism and then find someone the rest of the kids can trust. Maybe find #1 her own. Going to call today to make the appointment for #2’s reevaluation.

Alex quit taking the lyrica and he is coming back mentally. It is nice to have him back.

Tonight is our just us date night for the week. I have something planned, but I will have to tell you about it tomorrow because it is a surprise for Alex.

Well, I better go shower so that I can wake up A1 & A2. I let them sleep in and am going to drop them off at school this morning.

Here is hoping today is a great day!20120731-001919.jpg

 

I’m still here

I know it’s been a long time since my last post. Law school was kicking my butt when I wasn’t doing my mom duties or sleeping. Then at the end of October, Alex was in a bad car accident and need 24/7 care for the first while after his 2 weeks in the hospital. So, of course I took a leave of absence to care for my love and our family and will start back to school in May.
I am happy to say that he is doing better and there are days I forget how bad it was and how close I was to losing him that day. There were
many times I wanted to post during that time, but I didn’t want him to worry. We did get our wedding rings and are wearing them. No set date, but in our hearts it’s already done.
In a week and a half, I will be having surgery on a labral tear in my hip. Not going to lie, I’m nervous. It’s just outpatient so I should be ok, but it’s still scary.
Well, I had a dye job go wrong last week and am correcting (hopefully) it tonight and it is time to rinse.

Migraine Monday

Woke up yesterday with a migraine. Got it to go away, but it came back this morning when I woke up. It didn’t help any that Alex and the kids were all in moods. #1 go up before everyone, but just sat on the couch because she didn’t want to wake anyone up. Then when I got up I asked he to make the sandwiches for their lunches. She did that and headed for the shower. I asked that she wake up #4 and have her get dressed when she got out of the shower. She said ok and Alex thought she had an attitude.

Then #4 didn’t want to wear the outfit that was set out for her so she was bothering her sister. #1 didn’t get her stuff finished because she was spending the time dealing with her sister. Then she forgot to clean up her side of the room and didn’t flush her tampon and bloody toilet paper down the toilet. She had an attitude because I wouldn’t let her wear her high heels to school because she is going to her father’s and I have no desire to fight with him over her freaking shoes.

Then there was the boys who left a blanket on the floor downstairs, left the lid off the outside toys yesterday, and didn’t finish rinsing out the sink after breakfast. So, after having him in a mood all weekend because the kids started to get moody as the weekend went by, he was still in one this morning.

He cannot battle everything. I know that my kids are not perfect. I know that they have things that they need to work on and I know that I have things as a parent to work on. I just hope that it doesn’t come between us again. My kids are my number one priority, just as the girls are his. I just get scared when he gets like that. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he will decide again that I am not worth all that comes with me.

I didn’t get much of my school stuff done this weekend, but I don’t have to meet KD everyday so that will give me a little more time this week to work on it. I need to get a routine going.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am feeling overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed, it is time to go meet KD and give him #1 so he can take her to school.

Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!

Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.