Almost there!

As far as A1 and A2, we are back to normal. All the kids have started school. I am in semester two at law school and the wedding is in 18 days.

Lately,  with not being able to leave #2 alone with any of the other kids, KD not stepping up, me in school, and Alex not sleeping, I feel so far away from him. I wish we could get his sleep and pain under control so he could be more happy.

Things in our life are far from perfect. Our kids are not little angels; they lie, steal from each other, get into everything, are lazy, are inconsiderate, quick to act before thinking, and other things that drive us crazy, but they are our kids. They are not perfect, but no kid is. We love them anyways. We (repeatedly) teach them the right way and hope that someday it will stick. I’m not an expert (nor do I claim to be one) on parenting. I do not know how to “fix” them, I only know how to try to teach them.

The kids have had no time with KD and his family still.

I know we as a family have a lot going on. There is hardly a dull moment at our house…

In fact, right  now, I am sitting in the waiting room at #2’s counseling. I should be reading for school, but I can’t get my brain to slow down enough to concentrate on it. So here I am trying to get some of this out so I can concentrate.

I know this time of year is extra stressful for Alex at work because it is so busy. I am trying to take that into account when he blows his top. I know it’s not all the stress at work, I know he is losing patience with all the kids. I am too, but they are our children and we have a responsibility to teach them (as many times as it takes) the right thing to do and that every action has a consequence, good or bad. I know it’s hard, I get fed up too. I also realize that it won’t do anyone any good if we are both losing our patience at the same time all the time.

That is one of the nice things about the two of us, usually we can offset each other. Alex is my best friend, I just feel like he is a million miles away from me. I do try to be close to him while I study. I know it’s not enough for him. I wish I could give him more. I am trying to give him more time without falling behind in my studies. I am trying to get ahead so I don’t have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon.

Alex, I know you’re reading this. I love you and hope you know that I am trying to be everything for all of you and still be what I need to be for me. I cannot wait to be your wife. I am still thankful for meeting you and being lucky enough to call you mine. I love you.image

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Another Report

Well, I had to file another report with CPS this week. KD has no running water at his house (i.e., no shower, no toilet, etc.). The kids brought it up as a passing statement on Tuesday and I called CPS on Wednesday. As of tonight the kids will have been at his house without water for a week. Luckily #3 and #4 were at his mom’s last night so they at least got a shower. Who knows when or where the other two showered last.

The switching of weeks between Alex and GM has not been too bad so far. It only gives us one night every two weeks without kids, but I think that we can do this. We will see how this next week goes with mainly just my four.

The last two weeks were birthday weeks. #4 is now 5. We got her a bed and I was able to pick her up a bike with training wheels for only $5. #1 is now 13. I am officially the mother of a teenager. We got her a bathing suit that covers her body and she likes it! She babysat for me on Wednesday and Thursday while I went to school because the babysitter was busy taking care of stuff with her divorce and the house burning down. I was able to pay her since I had planned on paying the babysitter. It worked out well because she was able to get a new outfit and still have money left over.

I am officially moving out of my apartment by the end of August. That means that I will lose housing. So if by some chance this doesn’t work out, I am screwed. I am putting my all in this. I want Alex to know that I am here and I am not going anywhere. I know that we all have things to work on, but we can get through it all together. I know we can.

Alex even complimented #2 last weekend on his behavior. #2 has been doing a good job for the most part lately. It seems like he is getting better every week. In fact, Alex and #2 have a lunch date as a reward for #2’s behavior and help in the yard. I knew that they could have a relationship if they would both just give it a chance.

Alex’s stepdad is a teacher and I asked him if he would mind spending some time with #2 working on his math when he is on this side of the state and he said yes.

Alex is mowing the lawn right now. I was going to work on my reading for Criminal Law, but Alex mentioned that I had not posted in a while so I figured I probably should. Besides, the last two posts have been sitting as drafts since the days I typed them. OOPS 😉

One last thing, I had an MRI to see if I do have a labral tear in my hip and the MRI showed nothing. So there is still no reason that they can find why my hip is hurting. Next, my doctor is sending me to an orthopedist.

Don’t read any of this wrong, I am happy with my life. I have an amazing fiance, six beautiful kids, I am working on the law degree I have always wanted, I have great friends, and the rest of my family isn’t too bad either. Life isn’t always easy, but when you work at the problems and struggles with someone instead of alone, you know it will all be okay. I am a part of a great team. As long as we keep talking, we will be okay. We can do this!

Well, between the studying that I have to do and plans we have, I should probably sign off and get to work. Hope you are all doing well.

I have my Best Friend back!

I have been straight forward with my readers through out the life of my blog. I am going to tell you right now, that there are things that have happened over the last couple of weeks that I am not going to share with you.

I will tell you that Alex and I are back together. All eight of us spent an entire week under the same roof and everyone lived! We are making a go of this. It was by no means all sunshine and roses. #2 had a blow up. 5.5/6 were sick. #1 was, well #1. Overall, it was a nice week though.

He had me pick out an engagement ring. He bought it on Monday and sent it out for sizing. It is due back the day before my birthday. So, I do know that he will be asking, but I do not know when or how.

We started counseling last night. We will be going every other week so we can work on us. We need to work on trust and communication. One thing that we have learned is how little we were talking to each other, how little we were being us. We have gotten back to talking to each other, no matter what. He taught me how to play backgammon and we have been playing it every couple of days.

I quit my job. Alex and I looked at my school money and realized that I could afford to quit my job and as long as I budget my money, I will be able to go to law school without working. It will be nice to be able to concentrate on school and our family.

I am excited. I am scared. I love Alex, I am IN LOVE with Alex. No matter what has happened between us, that has not changed. I hope that we can make this work. I have faith that as long as we keep talking to each other and working together, we will be okay. We are back to being a team and I didn’t realize how much I missed that. I am back to feeling like he is my partner and my best friend. I don’t want to lose that again.

We are finally a family. We have rough moments, but when things are good, we aren’t just pretending anymore. We aren’t just glossing over our problems, we are tackling them. I am truly happy again.

On another note, KD and I finalized a parenting plan the other day. So, other than child support, the modification is over.

What a year

Every where I look tonight, I see year-in-reviews, New Year’s resolutions, and other things related to the new year that begins in less than three hours (Pacific time). This post is going to be a little bit of all of the above.

It is 9:15 PM PST. All four of my kids are asleep. I am sitting in my bed, trying to get through this nasty glass of Alka Seltzer Cold, thinking. Thinking about the year that has passed. Thinking about the upcoming year.

My Year in Review

KD gave #1 a bloody nose in February. CPS stepped in an stopped contact between the two of them while requiring KD’s mom to supervise his contact with the other three kids. The police investigated and could prove nothing.

I finally had enough documentation to file a child custody modification in March. The commissioner granted me adequate cause and placed the CPS safety plan on record as the temporary court order. Beginning in May, KD began to get visitation with #1 every other weekend. In June, CPS closed their case because the safety of the children was in the hands of the family court. However, before they closed their case, they stated that if KD’s mom is unavailable, the burden of caring for the children falls on me. Beginning at the end of July, KD’s mom began to be “unavailable” to supervise KD’s time Monday through Friday. This gave me full physical custody of the children. However, legally he can still have them anytime during his designated residential time. As you can imagine, this gives KD a ridiculous amount of control and he knows it.

#2 participated in an outpatient treatment program for his behavior and finally got a diagnosis of borderline Autism spectrum, ADHD, and intermittent explosive disorder. This came after a fight with KD, an investigation by the newly appointed GAL, and a court hearing.

All of the above has taken its toll on Alex and I. We have broken up multiple times. Most recently, we broke up this weekend. The control that KD has is a large part of it. The kids are another part of it. We are trying to work on that fine line between being lovers and then being friends. We are struggling with this. What is too much in a friendship?

In late spring, I decided that I wanted to go to law school so I signed up to take the LSAT in October. I took the test and applied to my only choice of school, Gonzaga University School of Law. A couple of weeks ago, I received my letter of acceptance and letter offering me a $20,000 a scholarship. I start in the fall.

My 79-year-old grandmother decided that we (me, my mother, my aunt) were too much stress and not there for her enough and ran away from home in August. She returned home in October.

The Year Ahead

Our custody modification trial is set for March. I am asking for full custody and sole decision-making. The report from the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is due next week. This will have a high level of effect on the outcome of this modification.

I am requesting that the children be allowed to go to public school next year. I am hoping to move to a cheaper, nicer apartment in another part of town. I will be starting law school in September at Gonzaga University.

I am going to do my best to be a friend to Alex. It may be painful and confusing at times, but I will do it because I love him and I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. Maybe things will eventually work between us, maybe not.

He stopped by to drop off some cold medicine for me tonight. I again invited him to come over tonight. He was on his way to M&M’s house. He briefly touched my hand and the tingles came accompanied by goosebumps. There I went, crossing the invisible line again. I just don’t know where it is and how I am going to deal with it.

year in reviewAs I sat here and created this image, I was also texting with Alex. He told me I should have yes, whether he was drunk or not. Looks like I am alone because I didn’t listen to my heart. I love him. I miss him. I hope that its not too late for us.

Happy New Year. Hopefully this one will be better.

I got in!

I checked my mail yesterday and there was the envelope. I was on the phone with my step-mom and I knew I had two choices. I could open it with her on the phone or I could wait until I got back to Alex’s. I am so not patient. I opened it with shaky hands….

I was accepted into the Gonzaga University School of Law!!! My only choice for law school and I have been accepted. On top of that, I was also awarded the Dean‘s Distinguished Achievement Scholarship at $20000 per school year! I have called everyone. I have told anyone who might care, and some who probably didn’t care in the slightest. I even posted it on Facebook, the only thing I have posted since I reactivated my account.

This is my F*** you to those that said I would not, or could not, do it. I will do it. I know it won’t be easy, but I am going to do this. Nothing and no one will stand in my way. I am too determined.

This was just another amazing piece of my weekend. The weekend was a little tense, but we made it. We enjoyed each other. We loved each other. We reminded ourselves what we have been holding onto. We may not last forever. We don’t know where we will land. One thing we do know, we are here now. We need to enjoy this for as long as we do have it.

Gonzaga University School of Law

Gonzaga University School of Law (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Happy to smile

I did it! I am officially registered for my first quarter of getting my paralegal degree! I start Monday, as long as I can get the books.

Had an amazing weekend. Had dinner with Alex, the girls, and Alex’s mom on Saturday night. Went back to Alex’s, watched a movie, A2 fell asleep in my arms on the couch, and I slept next to Alex all night. Sunday morning, we got up, did laundry, had breakfast. The girls went back to GM and Alex and I had lunch together. I got my hair cut. He fixed my car door so that I can opent he door. I picked #1 back up from my mom. Then, her and I spent the night at Alex’s.

Last night, Alex called me on his break from class just to tell me that I was on his mind. Even typing that, it gives me a smile and goosebumps.

#3 is having a rough time. He got kicked off the bus because he was yelling at #1 so bad that high school students had to step in. So, for the rest of the week, I have to drive him to and from school. This will cost me about 9 hours of work. Really?? So much of his anger seems to be directed at #1. I am not sure if it is coming from KD and his mother, or jealousy that #1 is with me all the time.

Alex and A2 came over for dinner tonight. It was brief, but it was nice to see them.

I created to-do charts for the kids. I bought each child two dollar store frames, two pieces of scrapbook paper, and some sticker decorations. On the glass of each picture frame, I used acrylic paint to write the child’s name and either evening or morning. Then, I wrote the tasks that I wanted them to complete for each time frame. The morning includes up on time, bed made, dressed, breakfast, lunch, teeth, hair, and shoes. The evening includes homework, garbage (#3), math, reading, dishes off table/rinsed, clean room, shower, bed on time, kitchen (#1 & #2), and teeth. Each time frame that they complete all of the tasks, they will earn a point. Then, on the weekends, we will clean house. We will have a chore jar. The jar will have craft sticks with different jobs on them. I will split each room into different jobs. Each job will have a point value. I am working on how many points will give them what. I am thinking that the points will earn them things like a pack of gum, hot lunch, maybe a date with mom… I am hoping that this will help restore order to my home. Minus the attitude from #3, which is spilling on to the rest, this week is not going too bad.

Well, time for me to get some sleep while I still can, I foresee quite a few late nights in my future.

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Do you or Don’t you????

I did it!! I applied for financial aid and admissions last night for the paralegal certificate program! At the latest, I will start in September. Might get some of it done over the summer  though. At least I have an idea where I stand with that.

I don’t have a clue where I stand with Alex. I can feel the tension between us when we are together. Tomorrow is his birthday and I still don’t even know if he wants me there after KD picks up the kids. He keeps telling me he will ask the girls. I don’t want to know what they want, they already asked me to come over. I want to know what Alex wants. I asked him what he wants and he said, ” A happy stress free life.” Well, don’t we all. Either he wants me there becaue he wants me there, or not. No one can make that decision for him.

Had a talk with the kids today about me going back to school. The big kids said they are all for it because it will help me find a better job. We talked about the fact that they need to start helping around the house more and how we are going to increase that help. We discussed a chore schedule. Starting next weekend, we will all have certain chores that need to be done between Friday and Sunday nights. They have two different options, either they can each be assigned the same chore every week, or we can set up a drawing. Each chore will have a description and guide of what needs to be done.

Talked with #3 about his behavior at school. Informed him that there will be no tablet, iPod, or iPhone until I have seen a vast improvement in his behavior. When we got home tonight, he had leftovers while #2, #4, and I had pizza. Then, he went to his room, cleaned, and worked on his spelling words while we watched a movie. He went to bed at his school night bedtime. I then informed him that when he wakes up in the morning, both bathrooms need to be cleaned. I will make him a detailed list of what needs to be done. Then, he will be doing more spelling practice, probably some math practice,, and some cursive practice.

My stuffy nose has not gotten any better. In fact, it feels like it is getting worse. On the plus side, I finally got some Sudafed and that has helped quite a bit. Well, so did my little bit of extra time with Alex this afternoon ;-), but that helped more than just my sinuses.

Well, I am exhausted and headed to bed.

The future

Well, so much for spending tomorrow night with Alex and working on Saturday. Got off work today and had a text from KD that there was a death in the family so his mom will be unavailable tomorrow through Saturday at 5:30. This has brought to my attention a one very big thing, I need to find a babysitter that I can trust and won’t charge me an arm and a leg.

If I end up getting the kids full time, I am going to need to make sure that I have someone that I can call so that at least once a month Alex and I can try to have a date night. If we don’t get that, we our chances decrease by…a lot. Just like any relationship, we need to be able to have time for us.

I actually got some sleep last night. Sort of. I woke up quite a few times, but still slept well enough that I dreamt. I know this because it was one of those dreams that you wake up from and are almost disappointed because it was just a dream. It was so real and felt so right though. I felt safe and comfortable when I woke up. It is a feeling that I have not felt lately. It is the feeling I used to have when I woke up in Alex’s arms. The feeling that nothing could go wrong in that moment and nothing could ever harm you. When I know he is truely “there,” just being in his arms does that to me. Just giving him a back rub gives me goosebumps. The thought of being with him still gives me butterflies. I just wish I knew I still did the same for him.

 I have decided that I am going to go back to school. I have time to look into it, but one of the things I want to do is take the two classes that I need to finish my marketing degree so that I have the full three way business degree (I have the general business and business management). I also want to look into the best way to go to law school. Either I will go get my paralegal degree so that I can work through law school at a decent job, or I will just got to law school. I think that the paralegal degree will make law school easier to comprehend, but we will see.

I will get me and my kids out of this. I will make a better life for us. We will be okay.

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This week in review

I was going to write a new post this last week, but I got a virus that kicked my butt for four days. On Monday, I drove most of the way to work and turned around and went home. I should have known better though, I did not actually get any rest. I had to get up and get the kids ready for school and then Hubby wanted me to stay up and help with #4. I did lay down for about an hour before I went to the doctor though. On Tuesday, I went to work, but left early and slept at Alex’s all day while he was at work. I stayed home on Wednesday, but again, no rest. On Thursday, I went to work, but had the availability to leave early and I went to Alex’s to sleep for a few hours. I slept better the days I was at Alex’s than I ever do at home. I know part of that was because there were no distractions and it was quiet (almost too quiet though).

Friday was a very relaxing day because Alex and I both took the day off to spend together. We had breakfast together, watched a little tv, I made lunch, and we talked some. We discussed how hectic it would be if we were together and had all six kids around, how afraid we both are that things will never change between us or that things will end between us. I fear losing him. I fear that he will get tired of the way things are before I am in a position where I feel like I can leave my marriage and he will end our relationship. I fear how heart broken I will be when he finds someone else, someone more available.

My counselor and I talked about my counseling goals. I told her that I want to be happy with me no matter what happens with Hubby, Alex, or any other guy. I want to be happy with who I am no matter what. I want to know that I do not need a guy to be happy. She asked me what things I do not like about myself. The ones that bother me the most are: how insecure I can be, and my temper. I hate the fact that I tend to think the worst when things go a little wrong. I also dislike the fact that I have no idea why anyone would be attracted to me. I dislike the fact that I tend to lose my temper fairly easily. She wants me to make a list of the times that my reaction is not what I want it to be. Either showing the insecurity or the anger.

Hubby is still doing his jabs and telling me how things are my fault. The kids misbehave so much lately because I am at work too much and because our fights are my fault. Our fights are my fault because I am the one who is louder and I escalate them too much. The neighbors called animal control on our barking dog because she is afraid of me. At least that’s what Hubby said.

I finished school this week!!

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Sometimes Every Day Feels Like a Monday…

I cannot believe how long the rotovirus aka stomach flu) lasts! #4 has had diarrhea for 12 days now. She has been to the doctor, who informed me (twice) that as long as she is staying hydrated, she is fine for now. Lovely. I missed 5 1/2 days of work because of this.

I know what you are thinking. “Isn’t her husband off work? Why wasn’t he home with their child?” My answer to that is this: because lifting a 26 lb toddler in and out of the bathtub is not okay for someone with a 20 lb weight restriction.

I am finally back at work this week. Although, it is causing problems on the home front because the three older children have early release this week. Apparently that is just too much for him to handle. I even took Friday off because the kids are off that day. Whatever!!

We had all three conferences this afternoon. No babysitter. I expected (mistakenly) that my three older children could sit in the hallway and work on homework or read. I was so wrong. I think between us, my husband and I spent more time dealing with the children than we did in the conference. When we got home, I was trying to get a phone call in before five o’clock and they were screaming. I ended up late for class because my children needed a lecture.

I had no problem telling them that I have very high expectations for them and that I was disappointed in their behavior. They are all old enough to know better. Think it stuck??