Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!

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OVERLOAD!

I know that there are readers that will be shocked and pissed off at me when I am done with this post, but these are my feelings and I need to get them out before I go crazy. 

I just got off the phone with my attorney and found out that KD’s attorney is threatening to file a contempt motion against me because KD cannot get half of the cash and food assistance from the state for the kids. The way our state works, who ever claims them first gets them. I talked to the representative on the phone when I reported that we were back to a 50/50 schedule. I asked her how I would go about taking two of the kids off my benefits to let him claim them. I was told that the only way to do it was for us to say that he had two of them for more than 50% of the time. So, unless I lie, there is no way to split up the kids. I am so tired of jumping through hoops to do what I am supposed to while he gets away with doing whatever he wants. He still has not started anger management classes, he still is not taking #4 to the daycare, he still has not taken care of getting #4’s application done to start school, he is not always letting me talk to them every other day, but does he get in trouble? No, of course not.

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the fight. I am having to run in circles because of the crap he pulls, but there are no consequences for him. Why? What have I done that is so wrong that this world is constantly against me? I feel like every time things start to look up, life gets in the way again. I am constantly bombarded by KD about the kids’ karate, but he doesn’t ever take #2 to Boy Scouts and no one has a problem with that. I just don’t understand. I just don’t want to play these stupid games anymore. Why can’t he just care about his kids? Is it just me? Am I really the bad guy? Why do they talk to him when he actually calls, but I can’t hardly get a hello out of them when I call. Am I really that bad of a parent?

I see how unhappy my kids are with the way things are, I see how unhappy Alex is because of the way things are with us, I see how unhappy his girls are because I make them miss their mom, my own family doesn’t really talk to me. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take anyone to notice if I just disappeared. Well, KD would notice when I didn’t show up to get the kids on Monday morning, but how long would it take everyone else? How long would it take them to get over it? I don’t have the guts to just walk away from my life, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering.

My last day of work was last Thursday. I had an interview for another job on Tuesday and will be starting that job on the 14th of this month. I am waiting for Housing to do their inspection of the new apartment and then I will be able to sign the lease and move in as long as I have the okay from the court because my home is changing school districts. Forget the fact that it has absolutely no bearing on the kids’ school… Just another thing that is in my way. My car blew a gasket last week. My uncle is fixing it, but it is still $300 I didn’t really have. I have to pay rent at 2 apartments, pay my Gonzaga deposit, and pay the apartment deposit. Alex offered to loan me the money for the car when I couldn’t find any other way to do it all.

Alex found a house to buy. I am excited for him and the girls. I am jealous too. I am trying not to be, but I am not going to lie, I am. I know I made my the choices that have put me where I am in my life, but I get so frustrated that I have worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. I know I have my kids, who for the most are not that bad. I know they drive me crazy, I know they have things to improve on, but they also have some pretty amazing moments that make me proud to say they are mine. I miss them. A lot. I am sure that by this time next week, I will be going out of my mind because next week is spring break and they will be home with me, but right now, I miss them.

This is not how I planned my life. I know that life rarely goes the way we plan, but dammit. I am so tired. Not just physically, but all around. I don’t know how, its not like I have really been doing much this week. I did go to three job interviews, drop my papers off at Housing, go grocery shopping, make dinner, and help Alex pack some more of the stuff he doesn’t really use. All the running around was done by bus, so that was time consuming.

I stopped taking the Zoloft because I broke out in hives after being on it for two weeks. Now that I am off that and the hives are gone, I am starting Prozac. She still has me taking the hydroxyzine at night before I go to bed and any other time I get worked up. I just feel so overwhelmed so much of the time lately. I can’t wait to get settled into the new apartment and start the new job to get back to some routine and consistency.

Today, I have to go meet my attorney so that we can confirm one more time that the only way to get KD half the benefits is to lie. That way if KD’s attorney files a contempt motion, we can show that I did everything I could and did not prevent KD from getting benefits. Then, I have to ride to the other side of town to get my last paycheck, clean out my locker, and turn in my badge. Hoping I can make it before they close because I am not meeting my attorney until 1:30 and there won’t be anyone at my old job after 5:00.

I know that I will be okay, I always am. I just get overwhelmed and feel lost sometimes.

Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.

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Mood Master

Finally got some sleep last night. Was really crabby this morning. Apologized to Alex. I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at our situation and circumstances. I’m frustrated.

Work is depressing. Half the lights are off because we aren’t using that half of the building. They send people home left and right. The little cafe is gone. The parking lot is empty. Most of the people I talked to are gone now.

I am the master of my mood. I will look at the positive…

Tired

I am thankful for the last two nights that I got to have Alex. It was almost like it used to be, only we still had #1. I know I should be thankful for tonight too, but at the moment I can’t say I am. As I was tucking her in, A1 told me that she doesn’t want me to come over Friday because it is GM’s birthday. She apparently thinks me being here will make her miss GM more. Then, as I was tucking in A2, she told me that I was supposed to sleep on the couch because Alex and I “aren’t dating anymore.” If I would have known I was sleeping on the couch, I would have stayed home. Everyone in this apartment is asleep, except me. I only wish. I can’t get comfortable, I gave #1 the better pillow. Me sleeping on the couch didn’t even cross my mind. Thought we were past that again, but I forgot that in their minds we aren’t dating anymore. If we aren’t dating, what are we?

I’m tired. In so many ways. I want to rest. I know I have to go through the shit to get to the good stuff, but c’mon. Don’t I deserve consistent good for at least a while? I’m tired of the fight with KD, with the kids, with Alex, with work, with myself.

Come beside me, hold my hand, don’t let go. I’m not asking you to fight my battles, I’m asking you to stand by me and support me. Alex does this most if the time (like when I was nervous this morning before my campus visit at Gonzaga), but sometimes I can feel the switch flip.

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Update: it is 1130 and I can’t sleep. I just want to scream!!! Like I haven’t been having enough issues staying awake at work. Why me? What did I ever do for the universe to constantly shit on me?

Not just physically

Ever have a moment when you feel completely and utterly alone? Not just physically either. That alone where you just feel empty? I feel that right now. I felt that today.

I have to admit, once we got past the rough morning, the rest of the day went well. Took #2 and #4 to karate. #1 made sure #3 finished his room. #2 had a Boy Scout flag ceremony to participate in so the rest of us took a short trip to the library, came home, had dinner, showers got done, picked up #2, everyone did some reading. All four (4) went to bed without a fight. I watched three (3) episodes of Medium on Netflix (intended to watch one) and worked on Alex’s blanket. This whole evening I thought about how nice. It would have been to share the joy of an electronic free peaceful evening spent with my kids. Texted a bit with Alex, but tried not to bother him. He played our word game a couple of times. I appreciate when he plays, makes feel less alone.

I’m tired. Not just physically either.

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Alex sent this last one to me two years ago. I think it about him.

Another try…

Well, what can I say? Some times, no matter how hard we try, life gets in the way. No matter what we want in life, no matter how good something feels, it seems like the odds will always be against you. This is how I am feeling today.

Alex and A1 came over for dinner last night. They even stayed the night. Alex was uncomfortable on the couch and in my bed, but he stayed. It meant a lot to me that they both made the effort. He woke up with a headache and, in turn, very little patience.

#1 decided to get mad at me because I asked her to do dishes after breakfast this morning. Then she had a melt down. Alex and A1 left. Then my fantabulous day really began. Everyone served time outs. #3 stayed home from karate because after three (3) hours of being in his room, he still had not cleaned out from under his bed. #1 stayed home to supervise. #1 cleaned the kitchen, helped #4 with their room, vacuumed their room, helped #2 clean behind the couch and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. #2 cleaned the downstairs bathroom, cleaned behind the couch, and cleaned the kitchen floor. #3 spent all afternoon in his room “cleaning under the bed.” #4 cleaned her room.

I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which way is up. I am running out of consequences. None seem to be effective. I just want some help. Someone to help me figure out what to do with my children.

I am afraid of what the week after next will look like. I hate that KD can randomly decide to exercise his residential time after he has not been doing it for over five months. I just wish that Pat would have listened to me back in August when I told him this would happen. Now, I have to let them go over them for a week, but not all of them. I can’t even pretend to enjoy the time they are gone because I will still have #1.

I know that I keep saying that I will be the mean mom, and I intend to. I just feel so lost. Yes, I know that I need more follow through. Yes, I know that I need more consequences that work. Yes, I know that I need to reestablish that I am boss. I just don’t know how and I feel like it is all a losing battle.

I did my best to leave Alex alone after he left today. First of all, it was just him and A1 today. Second, I need to leave the ball in his court after we have a rough episode. I need to realize that sometimes he just needs some space, but let him know that I am still here.

Hate is a Powerful Word

Hate is a word that I remember being chastised for using when I was younger. As a parent, I tell them that hate is a bad word and they can say strongly dislike instead. However, I think that I have come to a point in my life that I can honestly say that I hate KD. Yes, I know that I have said this a time or two, especially lately. This is no ordinary hate, this is gut-wrenching, blood-boiling, death-wishing hate. If he was just making me miserable, that would be one thing, but he is also hurting the seven people closest to me.

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Unleash Momma Bear. I lost it on the attorney today. Apparently KD’s mom’s “unavailability” has ended and they will begin exercising their entire week of residential time now (remember that this only applies to the three youngest). I lost it. They will keep this up just long enough to screw up daycare and then they will become “unavailable” again and I will be scrambling to make things works again. I flipped out on the attorney. I told him that this is exactly why I wanted to amend the temporary court orders to show that I had them except every other weekend. He started to say something about how legally KD can begin exercising his time. No? Really? I told him that I was married to that man for 11 years, I know how he operates, he is only doing this to be difficult. Oh, did I mention that in addition to this, KD is planning on using a different daycare during his weeks? Oh, yeah, that makes sense to do to a four year old who has only been in this one daycare. Let’s completely f*** up her world.

Of course after all of this, I called Alex because I wanted to see if there was any way that I could see him tonight. I needed a hug from him, I needed him to calm me down. The kids started arguing and I could almost hear the switch when Alex began to shut back down.

Now, not only is KD messing with our kids just so he can make my life difficult, he is also trying to mess with any chance I have at being happy. I sent Alex a couple of texts apologizing for ruining his evening and putting him in a bad mood. I also told him that he is right, KD will never leave me alone and I do not blame him for wanting to take what is most important to him and running in the opposite direction.

Just when this week was starting to look up for us. We have been texting at night and through the day. We have been honest with each other. All of the things that we have both been holding back, we have been sharing with each other. It has almost been like the old days. There was one of the nights that I told him all the things that I wanted to scream at him, if I had a safe place to yell and scream at him. Yesterday, he even asked me out on a date this weekend. He told me that he cannot promise me anything still, but he is here and he is trying. That means the world to me.

I believe that he can do anything that he puts his mind to. He is an amazing man and I appreciate that he has believed in me. I appreciate that he has stood by me as long as he has. I wish that I could protect him and the girls from KD as much as I wish I could protect my kids from KD. Unfortunately, I cannot protect any of them.

I wish that KD would just drop off the face of the earth. I wish that there was something more that I could do.

At this point, I would not blame Alex for cancelling our plans this weekend. I can say that if he does not cancel, I will be turning off my phone until it is time to call the kids on Sunday night. I am going to work tomorrow. If KD texts me this weekend, I will be ignoring it.

I just want to catch a break.

In preparation for the possible date this weekend, I took a nice moisturizing bath (powdered milk, honey, grape seed oil, coconut oil, and baking soda) and shaved. I have been feeling itchy from dry skin for like a week now and I cannot tell you the last time I shaved my legs. My skin is still a little itchy, but it is not quite as bad. I figure that I will take another one tomorrow night after the kids leave. I am also planning on cleaning my room. I am scheduled to work on Saturday morning to cover for another agent that needed the time off.

Oh, I have my car back!

Hopeless

That is how I am beginning to feel, hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever have a chance with Alex. Hopeless that I will actually find someone that will be able to and want to handle all that comes with me. There is a great deal that comes with me, I know that. Alex keeps telling me how amazing I am, but he can’t handle the “extras.” I have a feeling this will be the story of my life. Hopeless that I will ever catch a break. Hopeless that my ex-husband will ever grow a pair and worry more about the well-being of his children than making my life miserable.

We did our shift bid at work today. I got a full-time shift, Monday through Friday. I will just have to figure out what to do about the three oldest kids after school. There are a couple of options so we will see what we can do. I am just glad that the stress of the bid is over.

20140106-115057.jpgI know that eventually I will be okay. It’s going to take a while, but I will survive this.

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I guess Alex has decided that walking away is the best thing for him to do. I just can’t do it yet.20140106-115113.jpg
I guess it is a little late for this. This is actually part of our problem, remembering.

20140106-115121.jpgI sent this to Alex when we first started, I meant it.

20140106-115130.jpgBroken hearts are not usually deadly, but we definitely wish they would kill us because then the pain for us would be gone.

20140106-115138.jpgThis needs no explaining. Everyday that goes by, it should get easier. There will be days that it hurts as if it just happened, but eventually I will be able to think about the time we spent together and know that no matter the outcome, I am better for it. One day I will have the strength to take off my ring, change my text and ring tones, and change my lock and home screens. One day I will realize that I have not posted about Alex for a while and I will know that I will be okay. I just do not want that day to come. I want him to be in my life. I want him to be mine. God knows my heart will always be his.

He’s everywhere

The ring on my finger. The empty space on my other hand. The earrings in my ears. The necklace and bracelets from the girls. Photos on the wall. Art from the girls on the wall. Music on the radio. Pins on Pinterest. The blanket I’m crocheting is big to go on “our” bed with squares from our kids’ blankets. Even the silence of no texts from him.

It’s been suggested by a few of you and a few others that I should put it all away in a memory box until the pain isn’t so deep. I can’t do that. That would hurt worse. That would mean they were completely gone and I can’t handle that. It also reminds me what else I am fighting for.

I know you’re getting bombarded with these posts today, but I don’t know who else to go to. I feel guilty going to Alex because I don’t want him to think I’m trying to make him feel bad for his decision. I know he did what he felt he had to in order to protect what’s important to him. I just hope that one day I am that important to someone.

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