Just A Failure

That’s what I must be. I have failed at being a wife, twice now. I have obviously failed at being a mother. I have failed at being a friend, that’s why my only friends work with me, are Alex’s friend’s, or don’t talk to me.

If I am not a failure of a mother, why does my daughter not talk to me? Why is she not going to graduate? Why did she try to kill herself? Why do my children lie and steal? Why did my son touch his sister? Why do my children steal? Why does my 9 year old want to hurt herself? Why does my husband hate my children?

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When isn’t love enough?

How can you tell that love is no longer enough? That is not a rhetorical question. I really want to know the answer. I love Alex more than he will ever understand, but is that enough? I really don’t know anymore. I am tired of nothing I do being right. I am tired of nothing my kids do being right. I am tired of him being unhappy and everything being blamed on me and my kids.

I feel like I am the only one fighting for this relationship anymore. He doesn’t even deny that. I have brought up marriage counseling , but there is always an excuse. Sometimes I just want to look at him and ask if he remembers what happened last time he denied that marriage counseling would help. I feel alone. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I mean, I talk to my mom, but it just isn’t the same.

He doesn’t trust me, doesn’t like my kids, doesn’t even want to touch me anymore. Now what? I wish I knew. The one person I am supposed to be able to talk to won’t even listen anymore.

I just realized that my “baby” will be 18 in less than four and a half months. I am happy for her and excited to see the woman that she grows into, but I am scared too. I won’t be there to protect her anymore. I will miss her more than she knows, but I can’t talk to him about that. He doesn’t care, he is just excited that they are starting to move out.

When do you know love is no longer enough?

Is it gone?

As I lay here in bed listening to my 100+ pound dog snore, I wonder what is happening to my life. I have worked hard to try to do what was best for my family, but I keep feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m alone. The one person I’m supposed to be able to talk to gets mad at me and doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m his enemy. I hate it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I’ve already lost him.

Sometimes I just want to run away from being me. Work, home, kids, family, responsibilities, clients, all of it. But then I remember that despite it all, I love them. I love my kids, I want the best for them. I don’t want to coddle them, but I dont want to lose them either. I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him, but I hate how unhappy he is. I just feel like he regrets me.

I just don’t know because we don’t talk. We fight, we jab. We both get defensive, but we don’t talk anymore. I miss that. I miss telling him how I felt, no matter what. I miss all of it. I hope it’s not gone. I hope its just hiding and we can pull it back out. Our toolbox is broken, but how do we fix it when one won’t help? I can’t do it alone.

Really?!?

So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.