I don’t know how people can say their love hasn’t changed. I have never understood that. My love for
Alex is always changing, evolving. Some parts
stay the same. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is my best friend, has been almost from day one. I fell for him faster than I ever wanted to admit, I was afraid to fall for him. How could I ever get a man like that? How could he ever fall for me? I will never understand what he saw in me back then, or even what he sees in me now.
He always asks me whether he still gives me butterflies and goosebumps, he does. Even when we are fighting, my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and his smile is still what calms me. When I am upset, even if I am upset with him, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. So, yes, in some ways, it has stayed the same. At the same time, I love him more and different because we have been through so much, good and bad, over the last five years. How could I not?
Even when I’m grumpy about our time apart, I believe this.
At least I hope so.
This was so me today.
Well, more or less. I’m gonna be ok. It’ll be good for me.
And the last one at night, in case your were wondering.
I do appreciate you Alex. I know I can be difficult and grumpy, but I appreciate that you listen to me.
10:30 at night, I’ve been awake since 5:00 this morning, and I am wide awake. WTF?
Played my word game with Alex, but I think he’s asleep now because it’s been awhile since I’ve heard from him. Surfed Pinterest for a bit.
Was going to work on revising my declaration (trying to get it from 10.5 pages to 9), but the computer was having an issue.
So here I lay with a full mind. I want to be closer to Alex. In every possible way. I know that if we are meant to be it will work, I am just frustrated. Why would he be brought in to my life just to not be mine? When we can be together, life is great. It’s the in between time we have issues with.
#4 hated her new daycare last week. I feel bad for her. I am trying to do right be them, I just wish I wasn’t the only one. I looked at her tonight and on one hand saw how much older she looked since I last saw her, but on the other hand, age was so small and fragile.
Finally dozing off.
Update: 11:40 PM
Fooled us both! Decided to try the computer one more time and it worked. Shaved the declaration to 10 pages even. Let the attorney finish it. There is a whole bullet I would take out, but I’ll leave it to him. I told him which one it was.
I am wide awake still. Parts of me are frozen, but parts of me are too warm. Lucky me.
I don’t want it all…just feels like it somedays. I want us to be a family, I want Alex to be happy, I want all 6 of my kids to be happy…maybe I do want it all.
I know you’re dying to know. Short version: Amazing!
Weekend to remember. There has just been so much going on the last few days that I just haven’t had a chance to post.
My ring is back on the left.
That is how I am beginning to feel, hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever have a chance with Alex. Hopeless that I will actually find someone that will be able to and want to handle all that comes with me. There is a great deal that comes with me, I know that. Alex keeps telling me how amazing I am, but he can’t handle the “extras.” I have a feeling this will be the story of my life. Hopeless that I will ever catch a break. Hopeless that my ex-husband will ever grow a pair and worry more about the well-being of his children than making my life miserable.
We did our shift bid at work today. I got a full-time shift, Monday through Friday. I will just have to figure out what to do about the three oldest kids after school. There are a couple of options so we will see what we can do. I am just glad that the stress of the bid is over.
I know that eventually I will be okay. It’s going to take a while, but I will survive this.
I guess Alex has decided that walking away is the best thing for him to do. I just can’t do it yet.
I guess it is a little late for this. This is actually part of our problem, remembering.
I sent this to Alex when we first started, I meant it.
Broken hearts are not usually deadly, but we definitely wish they would kill us because then the pain for us would be gone.
This needs no explaining. Everyday that goes by, it should get easier. There will be days that it hurts as if it just happened, but eventually I will be able to think about the time we spent together and know that no matter the outcome, I am better for it. One day I will have the strength to take off my ring, change my text and ring tones, and change my lock and home screens. One day I will realize that I have not posted about Alex for a while and I will know that I will be okay. I just do not want that day to come. I want him to be in my life. I want him to be mine. God knows my heart will always be his.
Finally, a better explanation of how I feel.
A week ago today, my life changed. Yes, it has only been a week. Feels like an eternity already. I know I need to get my stuff from his place. I just…it’s so final. Yes, I know I’ve taken my stuff before, but this feels different. I guess maybe I should have done it when I was there Friday and he was giving me a ride home, but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. I’ll probably do it this week after I get my car back. Not sure if I should do it while he’s home, or wait until I know he’s not home. The problem is that I still want to see him, smell him, feel him…
He made his choice. I don’t blame him. If I could walk away from the chaos and drama that is my life, I would. I can’t though. I made choices long ago that out me where I am. I guess this is my punishment for those choices.
I have been awake for over an hour now. Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up with another pounding headache. I don’t want to play anymore. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those parents that could just walk away, but I would miss my kids. I would miss the hugs, the I love yous, and yes even the chaos sometimes.
I’m sure that as bystanders, you saw this coming. I guess part of me did too. I just didn’t want to believe it.
I know that this post is crossing that line I keep talking about, but I don’t care. I’m not ready to let go. I did move my ring today. It now shares my right ring finger with my 16th birthday ring from my dad. Not sure which was harder, looking at my ring on my left hand where I have worn it, or looking at the mark from where it was.
I am not ready dammit!
Made Alex’s Christmas present today. After he has seen it, I will tell you about it. Until then, you can wonder with him.
I have so much running through my mind. I can’t sleep, but I can’t type either. I can say that I think this time, Alex really is done. I don’t like it. It’s not fair. Why does KD get to win this too? He said he’d make me miserable. He said no one would want all of me. Guess he was right.