Sunday Ramblings

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I really don’t even know what to write. I can’t seem to focus on anything, but I guess that is why I went to my doctor to restart my antidepressant. Alex and I fight about everything. I question what he says or does when I don’t understand and it starts a fight. Am I supposed to just sit and stew on it instead? I just don’t understand. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, but I feel like the distance between us is only increasing. The kids all seem to feel it. Some play on it, others ignore it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I love A1 and A2, despite what they think. Well, I am pretty certain that A1 knows it. For the most part, she even acts like she loves me too. A2, on the other hand, I am pretty sure that she wishes me and mine would just drop off the face of her world. Alex does things to avoid making #4 mad, especially when it comes to #4. A2 treats #4 worse than #3 treats #4, but he only calls out #3. I say something and it is, of course, #4’s fault because she has too much energy, or whatever.

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More and more I wonder if Alex regrets moving us in to the house, or even bringing me into his life for that matter. I love my husband, but i hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I know I am the central cause of that unhappiness. I feel like we are more roommates than partners or team members. Neither of us deserve that.

We try to keep up on our date nights and go to our counseling appointments every two weeks. I feel like there is so much more that is missing. The touch of a hand, the random words of love and support, the messages that say hey, I just heard this song and thought of you. I know it is both of us, but I don’t know how to fix it. I am not even sure I know when the last time either of us said I love you to the other one. I really just want to curl up and cry.

I heard from #1, the first time since her graduation. Yes, she graduated, barely, but she did. She only contacted me because she needs me to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA. Little does she know, her FAFSA is done, except er signature. I will tell her when she comes by the office to get her SS card and mail (FAFSA info).

#2 has been fairly MIA for summer break, which is fine. He has worked at the boys and girls club, hung out with my grandmother, and helped his grandparents. I have a feeling that he will move out when he turns 18, so long as he gets a job before then. Regardless of still having another year of high school. He has not been consistently taking his medicine.

#3…well…where do I start…in the last two weeks of school, he accused a teacher of ripping his back pack off his back. Of course, it was false. There were not any real consequences for him. The school let him stay in the office during that teacher’s class so that the teacher did not have to see him. Since it was so late in the school year, the school did not have after school detention. I have made him write apology letters, and he will continue to write them until I am satisfied with them. Then, he had summer school because he was not turning stuff in for a different class all semester and failed the class. I got him signed up for the half credit of summer school and took him to the orientation. The days were three hours long. He was done before the end of the third day. He said the work was like third grade work. This pisses me off as a parent and as a tax payer. I plan to talk to the school district. He and I got into a fight because he refused to clean the kitchen. I am looking into a residential treatment facility out of the state so that it is not optional for him to attend. I then gave him the option of me continuing with looking into it or him attending regular counseling. He did not give me a decision. He treats #4 like crap. I do not know how to teach her that how she is treated by some of her siblings is not how she deserves to be treated.

A1 finished school with all As. She has her moments, but seems to be trying to step up regarding #4 with #1 being gone. She knows things aren’t right, she can feel it.

A2 also finished school with all As. She is as pissy as ever. If she is not snuggled up to Alex, she is pouting. The other day, the three girls were on the couch, #4 was in the middle. A1 invited one of the dogs up between her and #4. I suggested #4 scoot over, she did, but was very careful to stay on her cushion. You would have thought that #4 sat on her lap the way she reacted, eye roll, huffing, the whole nine yards. Last night, Alex had #3 sit in the middle in the truck because heaven forbid A2 have to sit next to #4. I had literally just told all of them that #4 would be sitting in the middle since she is shorter because since the boys have gotten so tall, Alex gets mad at the boys for sitting in the middle. When we went to dinner, it was a big booth, but not big enough for Alex, A2, and I (the three biggest butts in the family, not picking on anyone, just stating the obvious). A2 always sits next to Alex when we go out, if she doesn’t she sits and pouts nonstop. Alex got mad because I said I thought that maybe she should sit on the kids’ side. Dinner was fabulous.

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#4 is rambunctious. There is no debating that. She is starting to take after her siblings in the lazy department and I am working on it. A2 and #3 talk to her like she is garbage. I am trying to get her not to internalize that.

I am hoping that we can work through all of these issues, sooner rather than later. I do not want to lose my best friend, but I worry I already have. I guess more what I want is my best friend back.

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Love Changes

Love is whenI don’t know how people can say their love hasn’t changed. I have never understood that. My love for
Alex is always changing, evolving. Some parts

Hook, line, sinker

stay Can you feel the butterfliesthe same. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is my best friend, has been almost from day one. I fell for him faster than I ever wanted to admit, I was afraid to fall for him. How could I ever get a man like that? How could he ever fall for me? I will never understand what he saw in me back then, or even what he sees in me now.

He always asks me whether he still gives me butterflies and goosebumps, he does. Even when we are fighting, my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and his smile is still what calms me. When I am upset, even if I am upset with him, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. So, yes, in some ways, it has stayed the same. At the same time, I love him more and different because we have been through so much, good and bad, over the last five years. How could I not?

A quote or two

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Even when I’m grumpy about our time apart, I believe this.

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At least I hope so.

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This was so me today.

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Well, more or less. I’m gonna be ok. It’ll be good for me.

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And the last one at night, in case your were wondering.

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I do appreciate you Alex. I know I can be difficult and grumpy, but I appreciate that you listen to me.

Mind Scribbles

10:30 at night, I’ve been awake since 5:00 this morning, and I am wide awake. WTF?

Played my word game with Alex, but I think he’s asleep now because it’s been awhile since I’ve heard from him. Surfed Pinterest for a bit.

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Was going to work on revising my declaration (trying to get it from 10.5 pages to 9), but the computer was having an issue.

So here I lay with a full mind. I want to be closer to Alex. In every possible way. I know that if we are meant to be it will work, I am just frustrated. Why would he be brought in to my life just to not be mine? When we can be together, life is great. It’s the in between time we have issues with.

#4 hated her new daycare last week. I feel bad for her. I am trying to do right be them, I just wish I wasn’t the only one. I looked at her tonight and on one hand saw how much older she looked since I last saw her, but on the other hand, age was so small and fragile.

Finally dozing off.

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Update: 11:40 PM
Fooled us both! Decided to try the computer one more time and it worked. Shaved the declaration to 10 pages even. Let the attorney finish it. There is a whole bullet I would take out, but I’ll leave it to him. I told him which one it was.

I am wide awake still. Parts of me are frozen, but parts of me are too warm. Lucky me.

I don’t want it all…just feels like it somedays. I want us to be a family, I want Alex to be happy, I want all 6 of my kids to be happy…maybe I do want it all.

Hopeless

That is how I am beginning to feel, hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever have a chance with Alex. Hopeless that I will actually find someone that will be able to and want to handle all that comes with me. There is a great deal that comes with me, I know that. Alex keeps telling me how amazing I am, but he can’t handle the “extras.” I have a feeling this will be the story of my life. Hopeless that I will ever catch a break. Hopeless that my ex-husband will ever grow a pair and worry more about the well-being of his children than making my life miserable.

We did our shift bid at work today. I got a full-time shift, Monday through Friday. I will just have to figure out what to do about the three oldest kids after school. There are a couple of options so we will see what we can do. I am just glad that the stress of the bid is over.

20140106-115057.jpgI know that eventually I will be okay. It’s going to take a while, but I will survive this.

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I guess Alex has decided that walking away is the best thing for him to do. I just can’t do it yet.20140106-115113.jpg
I guess it is a little late for this. This is actually part of our problem, remembering.

20140106-115121.jpgI sent this to Alex when we first started, I meant it.

20140106-115130.jpgBroken hearts are not usually deadly, but we definitely wish they would kill us because then the pain for us would be gone.

20140106-115138.jpgThis needs no explaining. Everyday that goes by, it should get easier. There will be days that it hurts as if it just happened, but eventually I will be able to think about the time we spent together and know that no matter the outcome, I am better for it. One day I will have the strength to take off my ring, change my text and ring tones, and change my lock and home screens. One day I will realize that I have not posted about Alex for a while and I will know that I will be okay. I just do not want that day to come. I want him to be in my life. I want him to be mine. God knows my heart will always be his.

A Week has gone by

A week ago today, my life changed. Yes, it has only been a week. Feels like an eternity already. I know I need to get my stuff from his place. I just…it’s so final. Yes, I know I’ve taken my stuff before, but this feels different. I guess maybe I should have done it when I was there Friday and he was giving me a ride home, but I wasn’t ready. I’m still not ready. I’ll probably do it this week after I get my car back. Not sure if I should do it while he’s home, or wait until I know he’s not home. The problem is that I still want to see him, smell him, feel him…

He made his choice. I don’t blame him. If I could walk away from the chaos and drama that is my life, I would. I can’t though. I made choices long ago that out me where I am. I guess this is my punishment for those choices.

I have been awake for over an hour now. Didn’t sleep well last night. Woke up with another pounding headache. I don’t want to play anymore. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those parents that could just walk away, but I would miss my kids. I would miss the hugs, the I love yous, and yes even the chaos sometimes.

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I’m sure that as bystanders, you saw this coming. I guess part of me did too. I just didn’t want to believe it.

Invisible Line—-Crossed

I know that this post is crossing that line I keep talking about, but I don’t care. I’m not ready to let go. I did move my ring today. It now shares my right ring finger with my 16th birthday ring from my dad. Not sure which was harder, looking at my ring on my left hand where I have worn it, or looking at the mark from where it was.

I am not ready dammit!

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