Sunday Ramblings

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I really don’t even know what to write. I can’t seem to focus on anything, but I guess that is why I went to my doctor to restart my antidepressant. Alex and I fight about everything. I question what he says or does when I don’t understand and it starts a fight. Am I supposed to just sit and stew on it instead? I just don’t understand. We are supposed to be working on our marriage, but I feel like the distance between us is only increasing. The kids all seem to feel it. Some play on it, others ignore it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I love A1 and A2, despite what they think. Well, I am pretty certain that A1 knows it. For the most part, she even acts like she loves me too. A2, on the other hand, I am pretty sure that she wishes me and mine would just drop off the face of her world. Alex does things to avoid making #4 mad, especially when it comes to #4. A2 treats #4 worse than #3 treats #4, but he only calls out #3. I say something and it is, of course, #4’s fault because she has too much energy, or whatever.

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More and more I wonder if Alex regrets moving us in to the house, or even bringing me into his life for that matter. I love my husband, but i hate seeing him unhappy, especially when I know I am the central cause of that unhappiness. I feel like we are more roommates than partners or team members. Neither of us deserve that.

We try to keep up on our date nights and go to our counseling appointments every two weeks. I feel like there is so much more that is missing. The touch of a hand, the random words of love and support, the messages that say hey, I just heard this song and thought of you. I know it is both of us, but I don’t know how to fix it. I am not even sure I know when the last time either of us said I love you to the other one. I really just want to curl up and cry.

I heard from #1, the first time since her graduation. Yes, she graduated, barely, but she did. She only contacted me because she needs me to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA. Little does she know, her FAFSA is done, except er signature. I will tell her when she comes by the office to get her SS card and mail (FAFSA info).

#2 has been fairly MIA for summer break, which is fine. He has worked at the boys and girls club, hung out with my grandmother, and helped his grandparents. I have a feeling that he will move out when he turns 18, so long as he gets a job before then. Regardless of still having another year of high school. He has not been consistently taking his medicine.

#3…well…where do I start…in the last two weeks of school, he accused a teacher of ripping his back pack off his back. Of course, it was false. There were not any real consequences for him. The school let him stay in the office during that teacher’s class so that the teacher did not have to see him. Since it was so late in the school year, the school did not have after school detention. I have made him write apology letters, and he will continue to write them until I am satisfied with them. Then, he had summer school because he was not turning stuff in for a different class all semester and failed the class. I got him signed up for the half credit of summer school and took him to the orientation. The days were three hours long. He was done before the end of the third day. He said the work was like third grade work. This pisses me off as a parent and as a tax payer. I plan to talk to the school district. He and I got into a fight because he refused to clean the kitchen. I am looking into a residential treatment facility out of the state so that it is not optional for him to attend. I then gave him the option of me continuing with looking into it or him attending regular counseling. He did not give me a decision. He treats #4 like crap. I do not know how to teach her that how she is treated by some of her siblings is not how she deserves to be treated.

A1 finished school with all As. She has her moments, but seems to be trying to step up regarding #4 with #1 being gone. She knows things aren’t right, she can feel it.

A2 also finished school with all As. She is as pissy as ever. If she is not snuggled up to Alex, she is pouting. The other day, the three girls were on the couch, #4 was in the middle. A1 invited one of the dogs up between her and #4. I suggested #4 scoot over, she did, but was very careful to stay on her cushion. You would have thought that #4 sat on her lap the way she reacted, eye roll, huffing, the whole nine yards. Last night, Alex had #3 sit in the middle in the truck because heaven forbid A2 have to sit next to #4. I had literally just told all of them that #4 would be sitting in the middle since she is shorter because since the boys have gotten so tall, Alex gets mad at the boys for sitting in the middle. When we went to dinner, it was a big booth, but not big enough for Alex, A2, and I (the three biggest butts in the family, not picking on anyone, just stating the obvious). A2 always sits next to Alex when we go out, if she doesn’t she sits and pouts nonstop. Alex got mad because I said I thought that maybe she should sit on the kids’ side. Dinner was fabulous.

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#4 is rambunctious. There is no debating that. She is starting to take after her siblings in the lazy department and I am working on it. A2 and #3 talk to her like she is garbage. I am trying to get her not to internalize that.

I am hoping that we can work through all of these issues, sooner rather than later. I do not want to lose my best friend, but I worry I already have. I guess more what I want is my best friend back.

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This or That?

Well, #1 still really isn’t talking to me. #2 is pushing every single limit. #3 is not using the brain I know he has. #4 is taking after too many of her siblings. A1 and A2 are… well, whatever.

Alex and I seem to be fighting more and more. This week he told me that when it comes to the boys we are not a team. I told him that we are all a team or not at all. There is no half team. He left for San Diego today and I told him on Friday that he needs to take his 12 days away from home to decide what he wants. Either we need counseling to figure out how to be a team and work together, or we just need to be done. It isn’t fair to us or the kids.

A2 seems to hate me more than any kid ever has and no one seems to care. He lets her come between us physically all the time. Every time he does, I hear my grandpa telling me not to let the kids come between us, not even physically.

You may wonder why you have not seen any comments from Alex for awhile. A few months back, I realized that I was not doing my readers any justice by not posting. So, I tried to figure out why I wasn’t posting anymore. I realized it was because every time I thought about posting, I realized that I did not want to deal with his reaction. So, I unsubscribed him.

It’s not like what I say isn’t anything I haven’t said to him, but sometimes it just starts a fight.

At home, I feel like a married single parent. At work, I feel like I am a sole practitioner in a partnership. Honestly, Friday I was ready to quit both. If I am going to do it alone, I may as well actually do it alone.

I am not saying that I do not love Alex and the girls. I just don’t think that our relationship is good for anyone lately. I am just tired of everything being the fault of me, #1, #2, #3, or #4. At least since #1 moved out, the blame on her has minimized. However, maybe someone should admit that sometimes the problem is not what is happening, it is how you deal with it. I have tried so many different ways of dealing with him, A1, and A2, but none of them seem to work.

I hate being in such a limbo. I really hope Alex realizes that I am serious about counseling or we are done. I told him that he has until he gets home from his work trip. It gives him basically 2 weeks. I intend to leave him be unless he texts me first.

No, I do not know how I will do it, but I will make it work if that is what I have to do. It is not what I want, but we also promised each other that we would not drag our marriage out if we were miserable. He is definitely miserable.

We do not talk to each other anymore. We haven’t for a long time.

I miss him. I miss us. I miss kids that don’t hate being around me.

Please do not think that I want a divorce. That is the last thing I want, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Well, my computer just told me that my battery is dying. I guess that means I am done for tonight.

Is it gone?

As I lay here in bed listening to my 100+ pound dog snore, I wonder what is happening to my life. I have worked hard to try to do what was best for my family, but I keep feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m alone. The one person I’m supposed to be able to talk to gets mad at me and doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m his enemy. I hate it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I’ve already lost him.

Sometimes I just want to run away from being me. Work, home, kids, family, responsibilities, clients, all of it. But then I remember that despite it all, I love them. I love my kids, I want the best for them. I don’t want to coddle them, but I dont want to lose them either. I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him, but I hate how unhappy he is. I just feel like he regrets me.

I just don’t know because we don’t talk. We fight, we jab. We both get defensive, but we don’t talk anymore. I miss that. I miss telling him how I felt, no matter what. I miss all of it. I hope it’s not gone. I hope its just hiding and we can pull it back out. Our toolbox is broken, but how do we fix it when one won’t help? I can’t do it alone.

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me? I can’t focus even though I know I am running out of time to study. Everything seems to be pissing me off. I just want to curl up and sleep for like a month. My migraines have come back. I just bawled on the phone with the student loan people over $5. For the most part life is going well lately, but I just feel like… I don’t even know how to explain how I feel.

#1 is doing amazing. She hasn’t hurt herself in 8 weeks. She smiles, she spends time with us, she laughs, she hugs me, she even cuddles me.

Alex got offered the job that he has been wanting.

I don’t have to deal with KD now that he is in prison and probably going to be for awhile.

However, I still can’t focus and I feel like crying. I just had what I can only analogize to a panic attack. I got the chills, my breathing sped up, I felt overwhelmed, and suddenly started bawling. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills. I finally stopped crying and I think my breathing slowed back down, but that is about it.

My stepmom is in the hospital, intubated after my dad found her on the floor unconscious. So far, it is just pneumonia.

I haven’t talked to my mother in two weeks because my youngest brother decided to try to start drama between A1 and I by telling her via Snap-chat that I called her a dramatic bitch. Then, he denied it and of course my mother believed him…Seriously, because the kid that threatened to shoot up the school via the same social media site wouldn’t do such a thing….

Something is up with #3, but he won’t admit it and just seems to become lazier and less caring every single day. Just when I think he couldn’t possibly piss me off more, he does.

#4 has had quite a few “I miss Daddy” breakdowns lately. I understand, it will be two years next month seen she saw him last, but I wish she would understand that he is not coming back and he is not the wonderful person she sees in her head.

#2 is literally here to eat, shower, sleep, and do laundry. Which isn’t all bad, but at the same time….

Then there are the other two…I am just not going to get started on that right now.

Trying to study is kicking my ass. I feel like there is no way I am ever going to be able to focus enough to get through this, let alone pass the bar.

I don’t even know what to do to help me at this moment.

Forgiveness

forgivenesssimba-past pastWe all have pasts. Some of it can stay in the past, some of it we have to deal with on a daily basis. When we remind people of their mistakes, we tell them that we have not forgiven them. To forgive someone for hurting you, you have to let go of the pain. You have to say, “that sucked, but it will not control me.” If you do not, you will push people away from you. You will lose time and time is all we have, and it is limited.

Family is important. They may drive us bat shit crazy, but they love us. They may not love us the way that we want them to, but they love us none the less.

Really?!?

So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.

Focus

I have none today. #1 has told me a couple times since her last counseling session that her counselor was wanting to meet with me, so today I called and left the counselor a message. I missed her call when she called back, but basically, yes she wants to meet with me to discuss some things that #1 may not be comfortable discussing together. The soonest I can get in to meet with her counselor is Thursday. Now, I am trying to focus on work, but all I can do is stress. I always get super high anxiety when someone wants to talk about my kids. I feel like they are going to be telling me everything I am doing wrong. Like I don’t already know that I have screwed up my kids and continue to screw them up more every day?

I agreed to help out with a conference tomorrow with work, but I am starting to wish I hadn’t. I am sure the thought of standing up in front of 400-500 high school students and acting is adding a considerable amount to my anxiety level.

I start a new job next week. This is potentially my forever job. However, the employer is so not prepared to have an employee. That is adding to my anxiety.

Oh, and everyday life at home.

I am so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally.