I am out of ideas

This is what we have been struggling with a lot lately. We assume the behavior is a cry for attention. However, we don’t want to reward the behavior. The consequences are not working and we are running out of ideas.

We have put a lock on our bedroom door, the pantry, and the freezer because someone is stealing. We do not starve them by any means. I can never pin point which one it actually is because I do not know which of them to actually believe.

It makes us both crabby which in turn makes them crabby which makes this place miserable for everyone. I honestly do not know what to do with any of them.

I feel like I am failing as a parent because I cannot seem to curb their behavior, I don’t know what is wrong with them, and I don’t know how to help them. I feel like I am failing as a wife because I can’t fix it.

I have one last final for this semester and it is tomorrow morning. I am trying to make my page of notes, but I cannot focus since we found out someone got into Alex’s briefcase and stole his cookie sometime today. This is the second time someone has stolen his cookie. Why? I wish I knew. I wish I had some genius ideas, but unfortunately I do not.

I graduate this weekend. I still have another semester left, but I can finally see the finish line and it is so nice. I just wish I wasn’t so nervous about having to leave the children unattended. It should not be a problem for children of their ages. 8-16, they should be fine, but we can’t seem to trust them.

Alex bought me a new/used car today for Graduation/Mother’s Day/my birthday. I love it!

I still don’t know how I got him, or why he chose me, but I am glad he did.

Yes, I know I am rambling, but I am trying to get to a point that I can focus on the last of my notes page. Now, I am exhausted and not sure that I really have anything left to put on it. I still have some space. I may put a little more on some of the cases, but maybe in the morning.

I just don’t know what to do about these kids anymore, I really don’t. I can’t prove who did it. What am I going to do, ground all the ones that were home without us? Oh, wait, that was all of them at some point today, except #2. Why do they keep freaking pulling this shit?!?!

I know Alex reads these so I am scheduling it to publish after both of our days have started. I don’t want it to be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. I love him and I hope he knows that. I hate how much pain and frustration my baggage has brought him.

Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

Not getting better

I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know Image result for don't let gowhat to say. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I feel like I am losing everything. My husband is mad at me, at least 4/6 children are mad at me for one reason or another (siding with Alex, being too hard on them, evil stepmother, you know the usual), I can’t focus on school. I know it could be worse, but right now I don’t feel like it.

I can’tImage result for miss you eat. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I tried to find a counselor, but the place I called could not seem to get my insurances to work together so that was out the window. Stupidly, I suggested that we find a counselor together, but Alex made it pretty clear that was a horrible idea.

I can’t even find music to match my mood, Image result for don't let goPandora keeps playing love songs. Yeah, that’s what I want to hear right now. Songs that remind me how bad things are right now between us. He keeps telling me he’s tired. Makes me worry how long he will hold on to us. He says I pulled him out of a dark place when we met, but what happens if it is us that puts him back?

I just feel lost and alone. So alone.

 

F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Almost there!

As far as A1 and A2, we are back to normal. All the kids have started school. I am in semester two at law school and the wedding is in 18 days.

Lately,  with not being able to leave #2 alone with any of the other kids, KD not stepping up, me in school, and Alex not sleeping, I feel so far away from him. I wish we could get his sleep and pain under control so he could be more happy.

Things in our life are far from perfect. Our kids are not little angels; they lie, steal from each other, get into everything, are lazy, are inconsiderate, quick to act before thinking, and other things that drive us crazy, but they are our kids. They are not perfect, but no kid is. We love them anyways. We (repeatedly) teach them the right way and hope that someday it will stick. I’m not an expert (nor do I claim to be one) on parenting. I do not know how to “fix” them, I only know how to try to teach them.

The kids have had no time with KD and his family still.

I know we as a family have a lot going on. There is hardly a dull moment at our house…

In fact, right  now, I am sitting in the waiting room at #2’s counseling. I should be reading for school, but I can’t get my brain to slow down enough to concentrate on it. So here I am trying to get some of this out so I can concentrate.

I know this time of year is extra stressful for Alex at work because it is so busy. I am trying to take that into account when he blows his top. I know it’s not all the stress at work, I know he is losing patience with all the kids. I am too, but they are our children and we have a responsibility to teach them (as many times as it takes) the right thing to do and that every action has a consequence, good or bad. I know it’s hard, I get fed up too. I also realize that it won’t do anyone any good if we are both losing our patience at the same time all the time.

That is one of the nice things about the two of us, usually we can offset each other. Alex is my best friend, I just feel like he is a million miles away from me. I do try to be close to him while I study. I know it’s not enough for him. I wish I could give him more. I am trying to give him more time without falling behind in my studies. I am trying to get ahead so I don’t have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon.

Alex, I know you’re reading this. I love you and hope you know that I am trying to be everything for all of you and still be what I need to be for me. I cannot wait to be your wife. I am still thankful for meeting you and being lucky enough to call you mine. I love you.image

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

image

All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

Reassurance

Alex has continued to try to reassure me that we20120615-110017.jpg will figure this out for OUR family. He even looked into whether or not we could get married while in Alaska later this month. I am trying to look at everything positively. I am doing better since Monday, but I still have my moments of negativity.

It doesn’t help that CPS has put no definite “if you [A], then the girls can go back to the 50/50 schedule.” Alex told GM that he wants the three of us to sit down and figure out what needs to happen for GM to feel comfortable with them coming home. He also suggested that maybe we include the social worker in on the conversation. I told him that he needs to call the social worker, he left her a message yesterday.

20120507-183719.jpgI did the orientation and signed #2 up for the Boys and Girls club. The community organization that I called finally got back to me yesterday and scheduled an assessment for #2. We decided that since #3 and #4 are not showing any distress over the situation and seem to be fine around #2, we are not going to get them into services because we do not want to stir anything up.

I have not called the group home yet. I am just not certain about that one.

Birthdays start next week. I cannot believe my “baby” will be 6.

I love Alex. I love our family. I just feel like I have failed them.

Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

Maybe its time to quit…

I am starting to think God himself is telling me that I never should have started Law School. Frist was Alex’s accident. Then KD, #1’s crud, Grandma passing on Father’s day, and now this. We found out last night that #2 has been playing “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” with A1 and A2; he also told A2 that if she wanted the remote she had to pull down her pants and sit on his hand. I found out that he has touched #4. GM told Alex she is keeping the girls full time for a while. I don’t know how long Alex will handle that before he tells me to take my kids and go away. I called the police on #2, but was told its normal and they had no suggestions. I put a message into his counselor. I don’t honestly know what to do next. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I can’t go to school because I am afraid to leave #4 at home without an adult. I know that #1 will keep her safe now that she knows, but I don’t expect #2 to listen. I am scared. I am lost. I know exactly how Erik feels, only mine is worse because it is my son doing this to my girls. Of course #2 denies it, swears that he wasn’t the one playing. That it was #3, A1, and A2. #3 says he didn’t, A1 and A2 said #3 didn’t.

I am completely lost. Just when I think that things in my life can’t possibly get any worse, they do. I am tired. I didn’t sleep worth beans last night. I haven’t eaten and am not hungry. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If #2 won’t admit it, no one can help him. Not only am I worried about the girls, but I am worried about what has happened to my son that he thinks this is okay.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone right now. #2 is downstairs in his room throwing a major fit swearing he didn’t do this. At this point, I cannot believe him. I am scared.