Being a Good Parent SUCKS!!

#1 moved out this weekend. It was her choice. I have been telling her to follow the rules, or pack her shit and get out. She has been pushing and pushing. Saturday she called me from a friend’s phone and told me she was spending the night there. I told her no. She argued with me and I told her she could go home, or she could pack her shit and leave. She chose the latter. It is fucking killing me. I don’t know where she is, I don’t really know if she is ok. All I can do is hope and pray. I message her on Instagram, but that is the only way I can reach her. I just want to hold her in my arms.

I know this is best for her and all my kids because it shows them that choices have consequences and we will stick by what we say. But it does not make it any easier.

I have been burying myself in work when I can. Each day hurts a little less, but then i see something, or hear something and i just want to curl up and cry.

I miss her more than she will ever understand. This is truly one of those times that i can say it hurts me more than her.

Update: 7:15 PM

I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I just want to cry and have someone hold me. All Alex wants to do is get mad at #2 and threaten to kick him out too. I realized that I have no one. I wish my mom or dad was closer. I just want ro know it will be okay. I wish I could climb in a hole and disappear. I know I can’t though, my kids need me. That is what keeps me going, my kids.

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Ouch!

Alex has been amazing. I don’t ever remember anyone taking care of me before. Even at his mom’s today. From the time my mom brought my kids back, they were nonstop. Mom, come here. Mom, I need you. Fighting. I was up and down constantly. Finally, I decided I was better off just standing up.
I know Alex was at the end of his rope, but he didn’t lose it. I was proud of him. GM and the girls were out there for a bit and even GM got on the kids a bit. It was nice to have help.
However, from the moment we got in the car, they got worse. Fighting. All the way home. In the house. #4 was throwing a fit and out of habit I picked her up, carried her up the stairs, and put her in bed when she wouldn’t listen. Since 2 this afternoon, I’ve had 2 doses of pain meds, a hot buttered rum, and a lemon drop and I have been putting heat on most of the day, but I just want to climb in a hole.
My mom doesn’t have room to take them home with her. I have nothing else.
The kids are all in bed because I couldn’t take it anymore. I too am in bed. Took my last dose of pain meds at 7 when we got home. I have heat on my back and on my belly. I’m in bed. I hurt like hell.
Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully sleep will help all.

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I am Lost…Baby please find me

Dear Alex,

I am not her. I did screw up and I am sorry. I wish I could take it all back. You know I would. I wish I would have told you, but I honestly did not think about it. I promise I was not trying to hide it from you. If I had been trying to hide it from you, I would not have told you where I was going or what I was doing. I will never do anything like that again.

I love you. To be honest, I am not sure I was ready to admit how much until last night. I am scared too. We are both in tough spots and have been since day one. If I planned on going anywhere, I never would have let you meet my kids. I was that kid whose mom would get involved with a guy and then he was gone. I won’t do that to my kids.

I feel just as lost since I left your apartment as I did when I got there. I know you love me and I know you are scared of being hurt. I am sorry for putting us in a position where you don’t trust me and you are doubting me.

I am sitting here all alone and I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what to do. I think I will just take my meds and go to bed. Maybe I will wake up and this will have been a nightmare.

I know that this was just my graduation gift, but I meant it when I said yes to forever with you. I love you and I want the whole world to know that I am finally happy. You have no idea how many people have noticed the change you have brought to my life and I thank you for that.

Thank you for all you have done.

Love,
Me

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