Being a Good Parent SUCKS!!

#1 moved out this weekend. It was her choice. I have been telling her to follow the rules, or pack her shit and get out. She has been pushing and pushing. Saturday she called me from a friend’s phone and told me she was spending the night there. I told her no. She argued with me and I told her she could go home, or she could pack her shit and leave. She chose the latter. It is fucking killing me. I don’t know where she is, I don’t really know if she is ok. All I can do is hope and pray. I message her on Instagram, but that is the only way I can reach her. I just want to hold her in my arms.

I know this is best for her and all my kids because it shows them that choices have consequences and we will stick by what we say. But it does not make it any easier.

I have been burying myself in work when I can. Each day hurts a little less, but then i see something, or hear something and i just want to curl up and cry.

I miss her more than she will ever understand. This is truly one of those times that i can say it hurts me more than her.

Update: 7:15 PM

I feel so alone. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I just want to cry and have someone hold me. All Alex wants to do is get mad at #2 and threaten to kick him out too. I realized that I have no one. I wish my mom or dad was closer. I just want ro know it will be okay. I wish I could climb in a hole and disappear. I know I can’t though, my kids need me. That is what keeps me going, my kids.

Mutual Feelings (2-15-2000)

(Written February 15, 2000)

You’ve started to care,
You’ve been hurt.
You’re scared,
You want to go slow.
You like having me around,
You want me to be patient.
You say I can’t fully understand.
I’ve started to care,
I’ve been hurt.
I’m scared,
I want to go slow.
I like having you around,
I need you to be patient.
I say I can understand fully.

Never Enough

I can’t protect my kids. I can’t support my kids. I couldn’t make my marriage work. I can’t find a decent job. I can’t make real friends. I can’t keep the greatest guy I’ve ever met. I can’t do much of anything right.

I have realized that there really is a great deal of negatives in my life. I have no friends. KD was right. Who the hell is going to want to put up with a low income, single mom of four? Especially when I have the added stress of a dick for an ex?

If Alex is so certain it’s not going to work with us, why can’t he just say so? Am I just fooling myself by hoping he will change his mind? Or is it possible? Am I crazy for wanting something that he says will never happen? I love him and I feel like I’ve already lost him.