Reflections

Some surprise, I should be reading or sleeping. Instead, I am writing and trying to take a breath. Something that I feel I have not done in too long. I feel like I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to go wrong for so long. Every time that I think I can breathe, something happens.

I am not sure what bothers me more, when I yell, or when I can say what is bothering me calm, collected, without raising my voice, or shedding a tear. A fight, or a one-sided conversation. Full-blown tears or complete calm. The words you choose to say or the ones you choose to hold back.

I wish I could fully explain to you how I feel right now. I feel so many things. Fear, loneliness, exhaustion, dread, anxiety, hope, love, pride, sadness, anger, and a ton of feelings that I do not even know how to describe. All at once. Do you remember when you were a carefree kid and mixed all the fountain drinks in one cup (my brother called it a swamp)? That is how I feel. One feeling running into the next.

I have been trying to throw myself into my school work, but I find my mind wandering off.

Image result for blended family quotes

Even now, I cannot even seem to write this without my mind wandering. I just do not even know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired in so many ways.

Perfection, something that we all would love, but will never have. Our children will not be perfect. Our spouse will not be perfect. Work will not be perfect. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. Ever. Not gonna happen. I know you will not be either. What I can promise is that I will do my best. I will not promise that my best will always be the same. My best will be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation.

I read case after case in my law books where the court says, it depends on the facts of the particular case. That is how I see my best. It depends on the facts of the particular moment and situation.

Today was a long day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

There, I posted.

 

Never Ceases to Disappoint

I am 32 and my mother cannot be counted on anymore than she could when I was 5, or any other age for that matter. I appreciate that she offered to take 4 instead of 1, but it would have been nice to know a when she offered that it was not going to be for the same amount of time. I would have planned my week differently. Just once, I want her to be my mother instead of a flake!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written for you. All I can say is that life has been busy.

#1 has been doing better, have her on an antidepressant and it seems to be helping a great deal.

#2 has finally admitted what he did wrong and is working on treatment now. He is taking more responsibility for keeping his grades up. The church loves him and his servant heart.

#4 has been in counseling for about a month to help with her missing dad.

 

By now I am sure that you think I am a major drama queen. I am not. It’s just that the only time I have a chance to post is when things are bad. I should be writing my final paper for my legal research and writing class, but I cannot concentrate. I barely got through my hour long class without just bursting into tears. My life is falling apart and I do not know what to do anymore. Guess I should figure it because apparently it is all my own fault.

I just do not even know what to type at this point. I do know that right now, I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I should never have started school. I should have known better. I guess I can chalk it up on my list of screw ups.

I am starting to feel like Alex would have been so much better off without meeting me. He would have been free to find someone that made his life better, not worse. I feel like I am failing my children so much. Alex is always crabby because of me and mine and it is affecting his relationship with A1 and A2. I wonder if taking the kids from KD was the right thing to do, or if I just made things worse for them, Alex, and the girls. I just do not even know what to do anymore. I really do not. I feel alone. House full of family, school full of colleagues, and I fell like I am completely alone. I started taking my buproprion again this week. I need to get a handle on my emotions. I just don’t have time for a meltdown right now. I have a final paper and final group project due on Tuesday and my first final is in a week and a half. A2’s birthday is in a week and a half and Christmas is in 2 and a half weeks.

What am I doing?

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need more time for work, but I also feel like there is no where I can put it. I also feel like there is not much more I could do to understand or remember this stuff. I am feeling like law school was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I should have known better than to think I could handle it.

Between Alex’s accident last year, #2 this summer, #1 and #3’s issues, and all that has happened this semester, I feel like the universe is telling me that I am not cut out with this.

K (friend from school) tells me that all I need to do is make myself leave the house. Leave Alex and the kids at home one day on the weekends and sit at the library. That isn’t going to happen. Even if I plan on it, something will come up. It always will.

I tried to work on getting caught up this weekend and felt guilty for leaving Alex to do everything he was doing. Then when I finally would get myself sat down, every single freaking child would want something. Not a single one of them could leave me alone long enough to read an entire freaking paragraph from start to finish. Every single person will just start talking, instead of giving me a chance to finish my paragraph. Then, they get mad at me because I didn’t catch everything they said.

I feel guilty for sending them away when they want to spend time with me. I know it will not last forever. I know that some of them are going through a rough time.

KD started showing back up, but then started flaking out again. He is getting married to the guy he has been living with. Not all of them are processing it well.

In the last two weeks, Alex and I each lost a grandparent and there was the stuff that needed to be done with that.

I am so tired. I feel like I am not sleeping. I cannot concentrate on anything lately. I can read a paragraph in my books and go back and not have any idea what I read. I actually read the materials for today, but felt like I had no idea what was going on. I am sitting in my second class now and cannot seem to concentrate on what she is lecturing about.

Maybe, law school was a bad idea. Maybe I just need to move on from it and just find a job. Forget law. Just a job.

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Almost there!

As far as A1 and A2, we are back to normal. All the kids have started school. I am in semester two at law school and the wedding is in 18 days.

Lately,  with not being able to leave #2 alone with any of the other kids, KD not stepping up, me in school, and Alex not sleeping, I feel so far away from him. I wish we could get his sleep and pain under control so he could be more happy.

Things in our life are far from perfect. Our kids are not little angels; they lie, steal from each other, get into everything, are lazy, are inconsiderate, quick to act before thinking, and other things that drive us crazy, but they are our kids. They are not perfect, but no kid is. We love them anyways. We (repeatedly) teach them the right way and hope that someday it will stick. I’m not an expert (nor do I claim to be one) on parenting. I do not know how to “fix” them, I only know how to try to teach them.

The kids have had no time with KD and his family still.

I know we as a family have a lot going on. There is hardly a dull moment at our house…

In fact, right  now, I am sitting in the waiting room at #2’s counseling. I should be reading for school, but I can’t get my brain to slow down enough to concentrate on it. So here I am trying to get some of this out so I can concentrate.

I know this time of year is extra stressful for Alex at work because it is so busy. I am trying to take that into account when he blows his top. I know it’s not all the stress at work, I know he is losing patience with all the kids. I am too, but they are our children and we have a responsibility to teach them (as many times as it takes) the right thing to do and that every action has a consequence, good or bad. I know it’s hard, I get fed up too. I also realize that it won’t do anyone any good if we are both losing our patience at the same time all the time.

That is one of the nice things about the two of us, usually we can offset each other. Alex is my best friend, I just feel like he is a million miles away from me. I do try to be close to him while I study. I know it’s not enough for him. I wish I could give him more. I am trying to give him more time without falling behind in my studies. I am trying to get ahead so I don’t have to worry about it while we are on our honeymoon.

Alex, I know you’re reading this. I love you and hope you know that I am trying to be everything for all of you and still be what I need to be for me. I cannot wait to be your wife. I am still thankful for meeting you and being lucky enough to call you mine. I love you.image

Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

BRING ON THE RAIN

This has been one of my favorite songs since I was pregnant with #1. When life happens, this song helps me remember that a bad day does not mean that all is lost. I am just tired of the bad days piling up. Today is one of those days that hiding away and locking the door sounds nice. I am tired. I am overwhelmed.

 

 

Bring on the Rain
Jo Dee Messina (feat. Tim McGraw)

Another day has almost come and gone
Can’t imagine what else could go wrong
Sometimes I’d like to hide away somewhere and lock the door20110415-023558.jpg
A single battle lost but not the war (’cause)

[Chorus:]
Tomorrow’s another day
And I’m thirsty anyway
So bring on the rain

It’s almost like the hard times circle ’round
A couple drops and they all start coming down
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead, no (’cause)

[Chorus]

I’m not gonna let it get me down
I’m not gonna cry
And I’m not gonna lose any sleep tonight (’cause)

Tomorrow’s another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

[Chorus]

Bring on the rain; bring on the rain

Bring on the rain

Bring on, bring on, the rain