F***ing Fabulous

GM was not wrong, it was not bad. She just wanted to tell me that A1 had been complaining about me and she shut her down. In fact, we spent two hours chatting. It was nice.

Now, I get to deal with #1 and Alex fighting. I am not sure why she is mad at him. He is mad at her because of her attitude. The other night, she came downstairs for A1’s birthday dinner with a sweat jacket on with the hood up. She was told to take the hood off. She decided to go hide in her room instead. She had done something to her hair and was worried that Alex, #2, and #3 would make fun of her. No one could convince her to come downstairs. After everyone left, she called for me. I had just gotten settled in on the couch (I had surgery on my hip again on Wednesday and was not feeling well). Alex went to the bottom of the stairs and asked what she needed. With an attitude, she told him that she did not need him. Now, until she apologizes and means it, he refuses to do anything for her.

Now, he is mad at me because I told him the same thing I told her, I do not have the time or energy for their crap with each other. As far as he is concerned, she can stay in her room until she moves out. Then, it was that she can shape up or get out. I told him the same thing that I have always told him, do not make me choose between him and my children.

Yes, she needs to apologize and mean it, or at least fake it better. However, he is the adult. He is also mad at me because I do not believe he would have acted the same if it was A1 or A2. In fact, I have called both girls out on it lately because they know it too and they play on it.

For instance, when #4 makes nonstop noise and she is asked to stop and does not, she is sent to bed. On the other hand, A2 has been making nonstop noise lately and all he does is ask her to stop. A couple weeks ago, someone messed with #1’s room. The only ones home were #3 and A2. I was certain that either A1 was lying to us about keeping an eye on #3 or she was involved with the incident. Alex swore that it was not her. Guess what. She finally admitted it. Guess what her punishment was. Nothing. One of the four leaves something out and they get yelled at, no matter how long it has been. A2 leaves things out all the time. There are times that things are left out when she is going to be gone for days and nothing happens.

Finals are in less than a month. I have no idea what is going on in at least two of my classes. I have no idea how I will be graded in another of my classes. I have no idea if I am doing things right in another class. Alex started his Master’s October 1 online. He is struggling with it (exact opposite of what he is used to for school) because his mind is not what it used to be. This is affecting his mood.

#3 got after school detention because he was disruptive two days in a row in his art class.

I have just over two semesters left of law school, but I still wonder if it was one of the stupidest things I have ever done.

There is currently a warrant out for the arrest of KD because he did not show up for his pretrial on Friday. The kids have not heard from him. I am not sure how they truly feel about that. I am sure that it bothers them. I waver between telling them information and not. I do not want to hide things from them, but at the same time, he is their father and I am sure that his poor choices make them feel crappy about themselves.

Class is almost over. No idea what I will be walking into when I get home. I have not heard from Alex since I told he told me that she can shape up or ship out and I told him not to make me choose.

Since #1’s comment about not needing him the other night, he refuses to do anything for her, including logging her into the computer for homework. Fucking fabulous. She is finally doing well in school, not perfect, but well. I have class until 6:45 two nights a week and 5:15 two other nights a week. Seriously? She is 15, he is 44…

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Ugh

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I don’t care if you tell me “it’s not bad,” my anxiety is going through the roof. If you want to say something to me, just say it. Otherwise, I guarantee it will be the main thing on my mind until we do talk. Especially when it is GM and she wants to talk about the girls. It makes me question everything I have said and done with them lately. I hate it. If we need to talk that bad, just talk to me. I took one of my anti-anxiety pills almost an hour ago and I still feel like my blood pressure is through the roof.

What a day…

Image result for overwhelmed quotesI will not give up. Giving up is not my nature. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. My husband won’t talk to me. I am not sure what to think. I know I got a lot off my chest last night in my calm rage. He left this morning and I got a one arm hug.

I got to school this morning and realized I forgot my computer at home. Got a couple pieces of paper from a classmate, went to class, and had an evacuation drill. Went home after class to grab my computer, had to go potty, and headed back to school. Got almost here and realized that I forgot my computer again. I guess I will be taking notes by hand today.

Right now, I am sitting in the computer lab at school so that I can finish my reading and note taking before class so I have less to transfer later. This is why everything I save is save on my OneDrive.

I have class in 3 hours, an upset tummy since yesterday morning, no motivation, and a racing mind. That is not a good combination. Contemplated going for a walk. Hoping that would help, but not even sure I want to do that right now. That is my level of motivation at this moment.

I am a little nervous about my appointment with the orthopedist tomorrow. The PA thinks that they need to go in an repair the new tear in my hip and do a femoroplasty at the same time. we shall see what the Dr. thinks.

Well, I guess now is the time. I will stop typing and hope that I have gotten enough off my chest to work on my homework.

We will come out of this storm, we always do.

Reflections

Some surprise, I should be reading or sleeping. Instead, I am writing and trying to take a breath. Something that I feel I have not done in too long. I feel like I have been holding my breath, waiting for the next thing to go wrong for so long. Every time that I think I can breathe, something happens.

I am not sure what bothers me more, when I yell, or when I can say what is bothering me calm, collected, without raising my voice, or shedding a tear. A fight, or a one-sided conversation. Full-blown tears or complete calm. The words you choose to say or the ones you choose to hold back.

I wish I could fully explain to you how I feel right now. I feel so many things. Fear, loneliness, exhaustion, dread, anxiety, hope, love, pride, sadness, anger, and a ton of feelings that I do not even know how to describe. All at once. Do you remember when you were a carefree kid and mixed all the fountain drinks in one cup (my brother called it a swamp)? That is how I feel. One feeling running into the next.

I have been trying to throw myself into my school work, but I find my mind wandering off.

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Even now, I cannot even seem to write this without my mind wandering. I just do not even know what to say anymore. I do not know what to do anymore. I am tired in so many ways.

Perfection, something that we all would love, but will never have. Our children will not be perfect. Our spouse will not be perfect. Work will not be perfect. We will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. Ever. Not gonna happen. I know you will not be either. What I can promise is that I will do my best. I will not promise that my best will always be the same. My best will be the best I can do at that moment, in that situation.

I read case after case in my law books where the court says, it depends on the facts of the particular case. That is how I see my best. It depends on the facts of the particular moment and situation.

Today was a long day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

There, I posted.

 

Never Ceases to Disappoint

I am 32 and my mother cannot be counted on anymore than she could when I was 5, or any other age for that matter. I appreciate that she offered to take 4 instead of 1, but it would have been nice to know a when she offered that it was not going to be for the same amount of time. I would have planned my week differently. Just once, I want her to be my mother instead of a flake!

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written for you. All I can say is that life has been busy.

#1 has been doing better, have her on an antidepressant and it seems to be helping a great deal.

#2 has finally admitted what he did wrong and is working on treatment now. He is taking more responsibility for keeping his grades up. The church loves him and his servant heart.

#4 has been in counseling for about a month to help with her missing dad.

 

By now I am sure that you think I am a major drama queen. I am not. It’s just that the only time I have a chance to post is when things are bad. I should be writing my final paper for my legal research and writing class, but I cannot concentrate. I barely got through my hour long class without just bursting into tears. My life is falling apart and I do not know what to do anymore. Guess I should figure it because apparently it is all my own fault.

I just do not even know what to type at this point. I do know that right now, I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there. I should never have started school. I should have known better. I guess I can chalk it up on my list of screw ups.

I am starting to feel like Alex would have been so much better off without meeting me. He would have been free to find someone that made his life better, not worse. I feel like I am failing my children so much. Alex is always crabby because of me and mine and it is affecting his relationship with A1 and A2. I wonder if taking the kids from KD was the right thing to do, or if I just made things worse for them, Alex, and the girls. I just do not even know what to do anymore. I really do not. I feel alone. House full of family, school full of colleagues, and I fell like I am completely alone. I started taking my buproprion again this week. I need to get a handle on my emotions. I just don’t have time for a meltdown right now. I have a final paper and final group project due on Tuesday and my first final is in a week and a half. A2’s birthday is in a week and a half and Christmas is in 2 and a half weeks.

What am I doing?

I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need more time for work, but I also feel like there is no where I can put it. I also feel like there is not much more I could do to understand or remember this stuff. I am feeling like law school was one of the stupidest things I have ever done. I should have known better than to think I could handle it.

Between Alex’s accident last year, #2 this summer, #1 and #3’s issues, and all that has happened this semester, I feel like the universe is telling me that I am not cut out with this.

K (friend from school) tells me that all I need to do is make myself leave the house. Leave Alex and the kids at home one day on the weekends and sit at the library. That isn’t going to happen. Even if I plan on it, something will come up. It always will.

I tried to work on getting caught up this weekend and felt guilty for leaving Alex to do everything he was doing. Then when I finally would get myself sat down, every single freaking child would want something. Not a single one of them could leave me alone long enough to read an entire freaking paragraph from start to finish. Every single person will just start talking, instead of giving me a chance to finish my paragraph. Then, they get mad at me because I didn’t catch everything they said.

I feel guilty for sending them away when they want to spend time with me. I know it will not last forever. I know that some of them are going through a rough time.

KD started showing back up, but then started flaking out again. He is getting married to the guy he has been living with. Not all of them are processing it well.

In the last two weeks, Alex and I each lost a grandparent and there was the stuff that needed to be done with that.

I am so tired. I feel like I am not sleeping. I cannot concentrate on anything lately. I can read a paragraph in my books and go back and not have any idea what I read. I actually read the materials for today, but felt like I had no idea what was going on. I am sitting in my second class now and cannot seem to concentrate on what she is lecturing about.

Maybe, law school was a bad idea. Maybe I just need to move on from it and just find a job. Forget law. Just a job.