Just A Failure

That’s what I must be. I have failed at being a wife, twice now. I have obviously failed at being a mother. I have failed at being a friend, that’s why my only friends work with me, are Alex’s friend’s, or don’t talk to me.

If I am not a failure of a mother, why does my daughter not talk to me? Why is she not going to graduate? Why did she try to kill herself? Why do my children lie and steal? Why did my son touch his sister? Why do my children steal? Why does my 9 year old want to hurt herself? Why does my husband hate my children?

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Yep, it was a dry spell

I know I haven’t written for a bit (Alex just mentioned it this weekend actually). Life has been hectic. Law school, moving my grandma into a retirement home, kids starting school, fighting with KD about where to put #1 for school this year, law school, and all of the other day to day pieces of being a mom.

I don’t write because when I get the overwhelming urge to write, one of two things happens. Either I decide that I need to wait so that Alex and I can talk about it, or I decide that there are other things I should be doing (i.e., study). I am pretty sure that both apply right now, but I can’t concentrate on my studies and Alex just went to bed. Monday nights are always hard, but with the Labor Day holiday, the kids just got off of a 10 day stint with KD. I know it is overwhelming. It overwhelms me and I have been doing it for too long.

#1 has extra attitude because she just spent three days alone with her father. One minute she hates me and wants to be alone and the next she wants to talk to me and cuddle. I don’t mind that, but when the latter comes at bedtime, I am not going to deal with it.

#2 is extra mischievous, and his voice volume has tripled since I last saw him. 

#3 and #4 just don’t want to listen. #4 was extra clingy.

Alex had enough and decided he was going to bed. It has been a long time since one of us has gone to bed before the other one. I don’t like it.

The deal with #1. We were told a week and a half before school started that she was set to come back. Then, the day before school started, they informed us that they received word that she was prank calling another girl all summer and #1 was not welcome to come back this year. Left the school that day thinking that we were just going to have her attend the home-school extension program through her school. However, as usual, KD changed his mind. We now live across town from each other and cannot agree on what color the sky is, let alone where our child should attend school. After many texts and emails and a visit with the counselor, we agreed that she will attend the school that his home feeds into, it will not change our current custody arrangement, and we will meet half way on my weeks to split the transport to the new school. I am sure that he will screw it up somehow, but I have to hope that maybe just this once he won’t.

I wish I knew how to help that child. Except for a dentist appointment and class tomorrow, her and I will have the day together. Maybe she will decide to open up then instead of waiting until bedtime. I don’t want to reward her for her behavior, but I know that she needs some positive attention too.

As far as Alex and I are concerned, things have been going pretty well. There are still days that I worry that he will realize what he has gotten himself into and change his mind, but that is because of a lack of faith in me, not a lack of faith in him. I think that we might just have picked a date…April 1, 2015. We also discussed September 28, 2015.

Well, I still have about 50 pages to read before class tomorrow and I need to get to bed because it is 9:15 already.

 

OH…. I PASSED MY FIRST LAW SCHOOL CLASS WITH a B!!!

Blind to the obvious

Why is it that some people are completely blind to what is going on around them?? Ten years ago, my Mother’s husband was doing drugs and she did not see it. She divorced him eight years ago because she finally realized it. About two years ago, she decided to work things out with him because he had cleaned up. Unfortunately, she could not forgive him for the past and they split again. He started seeing someone else.

My mother finally forgave him. They were going to work things out. Everyone told her that he was still seeing this other woman, but she did not want to believe it. This morning, I got a call from my mother saying that this other woman was pregnant. Her ex-husband has all of a sudden decided that he wants a paternity test on my eight year old little brother. Really??

Then she tells me that he took her truck, drove it 60 miles away and told her to come get it. I do not trust him. He is up to no good!! I told her to call it in stolen, but she will not do it. I just do not understand.

I want to have words with her ex-husband, but I know it will not do any good. Mostly, I just want to protect my brothers (12 & 8).

Why are some people so blind to the obvious?

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Summer Break has Begun

Today was the last day of the 2010-2011 school year. Tonight was the first family movie night that we have had for awhile. It was very nice.

I love my children. I also love them being at school. When they are at home, I never think that I am doing enough for them. I am going to institute an hour to an hour and a half of educational activities every week day this summer. I know that it is not likely to happen every day, but I am going to try. Two teachers sent home stuff to be worked on. One teacher told me what needs to be worked on.

I am excited to spend a nice summer with my family. We are going to be able to put some money away and move into a house that we can all fit into. We just have to find that one landlord that is understanding and will give us a chance.

Here’s to a summer of hope.

What is your favorite part of being a parent?

No matter how stressed I get, “Lu loo Mommy” can always make me smile. #4 has a fairly big vocabulary for her age and I am constantly amazed at what I hear from her. She can usually make me smile.

I remember when #1 was about four, I was very upset about an argument with my best friend. She came in to the kitchen and said, “Mommy, you look like you need a hug.” That girl’s heart has never stopped growing.

#2 has a heart bigger than most adults. He always wants to cuddle and hug everyone.

#3 knows how to cuddle and love. He just has so much energy that he doesn’t sit still much.

The best part of being a parent is feeling their unconditional love returned. Another great thing about being a parent is seeing the things you have taught your child come out in them.

In difficult times, we all should look at what we do have. This is what matters. My children and my husband. Without them, I would not be me. All the stress that has been rampant in my life lately has definitely taken a toll on my perspective, but taking  a blessings inventory has helped some.

You can pick your nose…

Sometimes, we are born with great families.

Sometimes, we are raised by great families.

Sometimes, we marry into great families.

Sometimes, we are blessed to have great friends that become our family.

When we were in school, we convinced everyone we were sisters. We have definitely had our rough spots. But we always know the other one is there somewhere. I thank God for all he has given me in you.

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