Wiped out…mentally, emotionally, and physically

I am so wiped out on so many levels and it irritates me. I just want to be able to get out of bed for once and feel like I am ready for the day. I have so many things going on in my life that I have no control over. I am super stressed about everything that is going on in my life. From the kids to work to Alex to KC to finances to everything else.

I know that I am not giving my kids 100% when I have them because I am so wiped out that I don’t have the energy to give them. I love my kids and wish that we had some consistency. I think that it would make a huge difference in all of our lives for them to be able to stay the night at my apartment. I would actually feel a little more relaxed and might be able to get some sleep so that I could be there for them more. It would be easier to get a consistent routine going too.

My paycheck was at a net of 164 for two weeks after everything that they took out of it. My checking account was already overdrawn from having to pay my electricity before they shut it off since I took over the past due balance from the house. My rent is due today, my gas light is on, none of my other bills have been paid. I am supposed to pay KC 10 for #1′s field trip and $15.73 for my part of the house electricity. I am almost out of pull ups for #4. Guess that means I need to work double time on the potty training when I have her.

Alex is trying to be helpful and I know he is worried about me, which is stressing me out because I know he does not need the added stress. He is stressed enough with school and his own issues. I know that we are both overwhelmed and going through a great deal of stuff right now, but I feel like I am losing him. I know he says he is still there and I am still here, but it doesn’t make it feel any less like we are drifting apart. I am so afraid that we rushed into things more than we should have and now we are both feeling alone by the changes in our schedules and how little we are starting to see eachother again.

We have a parent-teacher-principal conference today about #2. I think this is the meeting that they tell us he will be repeating the fourth grade next year. I think it will do him good. I think that he should have been held back when they first suggested it, but I got out voted, as usual.

I am so sick and tired of how KC is treating me. Someone asked if there was any chance we would ever get back together and I explained that if there was any doubt in my mind about whether or not I made the right decision by leaving, he has been reminding me every day over the last two months. Two months…seems like it has been forever.

Surrounded, but still alone

I feel so alone. I am trying to remember that I have friends, but everyone is tired of listening to me. I feel like I don’t have anyone. I know I sound like a broken record, but I just need someone to listen to me long enough for me to actually get the tears out that seem to be hanging out ready to fall at anytime. They always seem to want to fall when I am in a position that I cannot cry and by the time I am in a position to cry, they are hiding again.

I am so afraid about my feelings for Alex. I love him, but I am afraid that he will realize that I am not that great and not worth the added stress I bring to his life. We are both struggling this month and it had been hard for either of us to “be there” for the other one. I think we are both feeling alone, afraid to be hurt, and scared to talk to the other one.

I know that this is all going to get harder before it gets easier, but I am tired of hard. For once, I want things in my life to go my way.

I don’t understand how KC can treat me the way he does. For someone who claimed to love me so much for so long, it sure has been easy for him to try to hurt me. Why can’t he see what this is all doing to our kids?

Depressed

What am I supposed to do?? I have no money, have not been working near enough, my rent is due in a week, my van payment was due last week, and my check next week probably will not even cover my rent. I don’t know what to do.

No matter what I do, everything around me seems to be going wrong. The only thing I have not messed up is Alex…I’m sure it won’t be long before I mess that up too.

Will there ever be a right time?

Somedays things are great with Alex, but somedays I’m just not sure what to think. I am afraid I am losing him, if I haven’t lost him already. It scares me that I am so attached to him already. I am so scared I am going to get hurt and not trust anyone for a long time. I don’t want to become that person.

Alex came over and watched a movie with the kids and I, but I’m not sure how much he was there. It was nice to have him there with us.

I just wish that we could be together more often. I wish that we were at a point where we could do things with all of the kids. I also wish my kids weren’t so…whatever it is that they are.

Today, our text conversation was all about this subject:

Alex: Wish I could be there
Me: Me too. You are all welcome to join us. Sorry. I know you aren’t ready for that.
Alex: I need to know that they are and they still ask for mom and dad to be in the same house. I don’t want to hurt them our have them hate you thinking you’re in the way
Me: They will likely not ever be “ready” for you to date. All kids of divorce want their parents to get back together. If you wait for that want to go away, I will never be able to meet them. I am not trying to sound like a bitch. I do understand and I don’t want them to hate me either. But sometimes I wonder if we will always be where we are right now. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I love you and I want you to be comfortable with me meeting them for real.

After other conversation, I got a text that just said, “Soon.” I said, “Soon what?” Alex’s response? “You and the girls, maybe a little longer before we throw the whole gang at them. I’m not hiding you, just don’t want to hurt them” I told him that I know. We both knew that this would be hard, just don’t think we realized how hard it really would be. Did I go too far? Am I pushing too hard?

I’m willing to fight for this and put in the effort. This is the first time I have been treated with respect and like I matter and I don’t want to give that up. I love the way he is with my kids, the way he treats me, how much his friends care about him, how he treats his ex wives, everything about him, except how little I get him.

Happily Ever Aftershave..

Where we are now

I just do not understand how someone who supposedly loved me can do so much to purposefully try to hurt me. KD just seems like all he is thinking about is how to get back at me. For someone who claims to have the kids’ best interests at heart, he sure does do some ridiculous things. I had the kids’ pictures taken about a month ago. When he got home tonight, I gave him a wallet and a 5X7 and told him that I would mail one to his mom so those were his to keep. He did not even say thank you. Seriously???

Alex is so opposite from KD. I just wish Alex would trust me. I wish there was something I could say or do to convince him to enjoy what we have instead of worrying about how and when it may go wrong. I understand where he is coming from, but sometimes it is so frustrating.

Somedays I wonder if I will ever meet his girls. I know and understand his reasons. I know their mother is being fairly civil and he wants to keep it that way. I know that the girls need time to heal from the divorce. I just wish…

With the way our current schedules are, we already don’t see each other. I just worry that we will begin to grow apart. I worry that he will find someone else without so much baggage. Someone who isn’t so…me.

I did not intend or expect to fall in love with Alex, but I have. I just wonder if we will ever get beyond where we are right now.

My kids seem to really like Alex. They are always asking when he is coming over next. My grandparents love him. They told me not to let go of this one. I told them I don’t plan on it.

I am Lost…Baby please find me

Dear Alex,

I am not her. I did screw up and I am sorry. I wish I could take it all back. You know I would. I wish I would have told you, but I honestly did not think about it. I promise I was not trying to hide it from you. If I had been trying to hide it from you, I would not have told you where I was going or what I was doing. I will never do anything like that again.

I love you. To be honest, I am not sure I was ready to admit how much until last night. I am scared too. We are both in tough spots and have been since day one. If I planned on going anywhere, I never would have let you meet my kids. I was that kid whose mom would get involved with a guy and then he was gone. I won’t do that to my kids.

I feel just as lost since I left your apartment as I did when I got there. I know you love me and I know you are scared of being hurt. I am sorry for putting us in a position where you don’t trust me and you are doubting me.

I am sitting here all alone and I don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know what to do. I think I will just take my meds and go to bed. Maybe I will wake up and this will have been a nightmare.

I know that this was just my graduation gift, but I meant it when I said yes to forever with you. I love you and I want the whole world to know that I am finally happy. You have no idea how many people have noticed the change you have brought to my life and I thank you for that.

Thank you for all you have done.

Love,
Me

My new home

Tonight is my first night in my first very own apartment. My BFF’s husband set up the bunk bed for #1 and #4. Mom is bringing a bunk for #2 and #3. I have a queen size box spring and frame. BFF brought me a queen air mattress, but I have no sheets. So until I have the chance to go through the boxes of sheets and wash a set of queen sheets, it is the couch for me. For a free couch, this thing is actually comfortable.

I have the girls’ room almost finished. I almost have the kitchen finished. I just need to finish washing dishes and putting them away. I did find out that the kitchen sink is leaking underneath so I have to put in a work order first thing tomorrow morning. I have a towel under there right now.

I cannot wait for the kids to see the apartment. I want to have it as set up as possible when they come over tomorrow so that it feels a like home to them.

I am alone tonight. Alex has the girls and I could not get ahold of anyone else to stay with me tonight. I won’t be going to work tomorrow because I have had diarrhea and puking since about 8:00 tonight. And now, I still have not slept. My alarm goes off in 2.5 hours so I can get ready for work. Somehow, I don’t think that is enough time.

Tomorrow when Mom comes over she is making me tacos. Anyone who has had my mom’s tacos loves them. So I am excited. The kids will be here. Apparently my grandma, BFF and BFF’s kids will all also be here for dinner. At least I will have time to finish the apartment before then.

After I take the kids home tomorrow, Alex will be staying here for the night. Maybe I’ll actually be able to get some sleep tomorrow night. Hopefully.

Well, I better get back to getting stuff done around here so I feel like I can relax.

Why am I not surprised?

How can you love someone so much for so long and hate them so easily? I thought I would always love KD. After all, he was my first love and the father of my children. However, I feel like now I never really knew him. Everyday he reminds me not only why I left him, but why it took me so long to leave him.
Today was supposed to be day one of my first full weekend with the kids including overnights. I got a text from KD telling me that I didn’t get the kids. I showed up at the appointed time with a copy of the court order in hand and he still didn’t answer the door. I am trying to be calm and collected and remind myself that he is just digging himself a hole with the court and his kids, but it is hard. I told the kids I would be there this weekend. I was supposed to make cupcakes with #1 for a school fundraiser. I hope they saw me at the house.
Alex is in his own world dealing with school and the mother of his girls so that doesn’t help much. I just feel alone.

A lesson learned

Court was today. I learned a valuable lesson, working to support my kids and provide a better life for them bit me in the rear. The commissioner said that my 6:00 am to 2:30 pm, Monday through Friday, work schedule is not conducive to being the primary parent. So, in the temporary order awarded KD primary custody. It gives me Wednesday and Thursday from 3:oo pm to 8:00 pm and Friday at 3:00 pm to Sunday at 8:00 pm, every week. Oh, and my overnights are at the house and KD is supposed to go to his mom’s. The attorney told me to get my schedule changed at work and we will file a motion to change it. So, I went to work and spoke with my supervisor’s boss. He said he will get it changed. I still have to wait 2 weeks before we can go back to court for it though. The commissioner kept putting me down for working so much, but at the same time did not understand why I was not working full time; he criticized me for gettign my degree, but was upset that I am working an “unskilled” position. I could not do anything to make this commissioner happy. He refused to take into account any of the things that have happened in the past and will not appoint a guardian ad litem. To top it off, I do not qualify for the apartment because I do not have the kids at least 50%.

I just feel so alone. My bff is here for me, but she has her own family and I feel like such a downer because I am dwelling on it. I feel like I am completely invading her family’s space. Alex is trying to be here for me, but he has his girls this week and can only do so much. Not to mention that I feel guilty for some of the things that I say because I do not want him to think that I am blaming him for any of this. I am glad I finally left because it was not healthy for me or my kids. Sometimes I just wonder if it would have been worth it to continue to pretend that I was happy just so I could be with my kids. I am reminded every day why I left KD and also why it took me so long to leave him.

I miss my kids. My time with them is never enough. Sometimes, I feel like they are someone else’s kids.

I put my kids first so much that I even offered KD my second weekend with them because his brother and sister-in-law will be in town.

And it begins

Well, court has been continued until next Tuesday. I have no idea why, but my attorney is supposed to call me when she gets back to the office. I am even more scared than I was when I thought court was today. Now I am worried that KD has something up his sleeve.

 Alex and I had a feelings discussion via text the other day. It started Saturday night when I did not know where I was going to stay. When I told him I was staying at my friend Chad’s house, he became worried. I told him to trust me. He said he does, but he does not know Chad. I told him to trust that I am not going to put myself in a bad position. I knew I was safe at Chad’s house. In fact, instead of making me sleep on the couch and deal with the drunks at his after-hours poker game, he gave me his room and he slept on the couch.

 When I left church on Sunday (a whole different story), I got a text from Erik that told me that he was afraid to admit to me and to him how much he loves me. I did not respond because when I saw it I had #1 at the van with me. He seemed a little upset that I had not responded, but I did not know how to respond to him. I know he is scared, I am scared. I told him that I love him to, but had already told him that. We are both afraid that we are going to get closer, and then when we put the kids in the mix it will all fall apart.

 A little later when I got home to the apartment, I was sitting on his lap cuddling with him and he lifted my chin to look in my eyes and told me “I love you.” Even now, thinking about it still gives me butterflies in my belly. Some of that is fear, but some of it is finally feeling safe, cared for, and cared about.

 With Alex, there are so many little things. Like when he looked at me, randomly, and said “I’m not him. I’m not going to hurt you.” Or, this weekend when he bought himself a new phone and gave me his because he was worried about my phone dying. Doing laundry together, making dinner and eating together, sitting on the couch cuddling together just relaxing, knowing that he is just a phone call away, him enjoying reading this and me not being afraid to type whatever comes to my mind anyways.

Had lunch with Alex today and it was very nice. Now, I am sitting at the library with the kids so they can do homework. Not having a place to take them to do homework is really a pain. We had to leave the library because of #2 and his attitude. I guess I will have to pick them up after homework until I have a place of my own.