Really?!?

So, the presenting in front of high school students went well. Once I got up there, it wasn’t that bad. I almost enjoyed it. Although, high school kids are rude, they would not shut up.

The parent session with #1’s counselor. I just don’t know what to think. On one hand, it felt great to hear that #1 knows who has been there for her, recognizes how hard I’ve worked, and is proud of me. On the other hand, I feel like a failure. It is so hard to decide where I need to let go and where I need to be firm. I don’t want to let her get away with things, but I don’t want to push her either. I’m scared I am going to lose my baby girl. I dnt lose her. I am so scared. Every. Single. Day.

Alex basically refused counseling because he doesn’t have time. Really? What happened to making sure one or both of us doing counseling before things got too bad? We had date night last night. I tried so hard to pretend and make small talk, but it was lime talking to a wall. He has pulled so far away from me, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I guess I feel like  in some ways, I already have. He is so unhappy. It is so obvious. I try so hard not to fight with him, but sometimes I just can’t hold it in.

I have cried more today than I have in a long time. I guess I was right. I have been afraid that if I let the tears flow, they just wouldn’t stop. I thought Alex was asleep. Then I realized he was awake, and barely touching me. I was completely losing it and I was alone. My husband won’t talk to me, he keeps it all bottles up and one of these days, it’s going to get ugly. I am just afraid that when it finally happens, one of us will say something we can’t take back. He is turning into the shell of a man I met and it scares me.

#1 seemed fine after counseling, but all of a sudden, something was up. I dont know what it was. I dont know why tbe switch flipped, but it did. She wouldnt eat dinner, she didnt want a shower. She did finally come shower. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not to me. There are only 4 people she wanted to talk to: A1, GM, her counselor, and her best friend. That hurt. She said it’s because she didn’t trust me. Wow. I just don’t even know what to think. 
I am still scared about the new job. She doesn’t know how to make it so I have internet or a phone. She hasn’t asked for my I9 or my W4, but being the person I am, I printed them out and will give them to her tomorrow or Saturday. What if I don’t get my bar application approved? What if I don’t pass the bar?

#1 wants to write KD a letter. I am torn. I need to check and find out if it is allowed under the protection order or not. I know it will help, but I am honestly afraid he will try to use it against me. Who knows what she will say to him. I honestly have no desire for him to find out that she tried to commit suicide because I don’t want it getting to his parents.

Oh, did I mention that he is in prison facing 2 out of 11 felony charges in 1 out of 3 counties in the state? I know, about time.

I want to get the adoption moving, but I am not sure that Alex really does. I guess part of me is afraid that something is going to happen with us. I just feel like I am losing him again.

I should be sleeping tomorrow is going to be a long day. I am exhausted,  but wide awake. Oh, Nd my neck hurts. I need to schedule my massage before it expires…in all my free time.

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What is Going On??

I don’t know what to think about #1 anymore. Yesterday, she called me and told me that she missed her bus and would catch the next one. I expected her to be home a half hour late. However, she was two hours late. She was wearing one of her dresses that she is required to wear a tank top and shorts under. When she left yesterday, she was wearing both. When she got home last night, she was wearing neither. What do I do now? I am out of ideas. I scheduled her an appointment with a gynecologist to get an exam and on birth control. I have an intake scheduled for her to be assessed for mental health services, unless I can get her in tomorrow for a walk in appointment. She is going to my mother’s house for a bit. I am taking away all of her clothes that I do not want her to wear by itself. She is grounded to her room with the door open unless she is changing her clothes and if her door is closed for any reason, it will come off the hinges. She is not to be unsupervised. I told her that #2 is in charge for the summer. The only thing left to do is take everything out of her room, except her bed and clothes. Any other suggestions?????

As far as #2, he has been doing amazing babysitting #3 and #4!! His responsibility level has gone through the roof! I am so impressed. Last night, his counselor said, “if it ain’t broke, I can’ fix it.” His next appointment is not for another 3 weeks. He has not really had any of his fits lately. He had a little bit of one on Saturday when #1 set him off, but it was no where near what they used to be.

All of this stuff with #1 has been taking a toll on my studies. We have midterms the next two Mondays and I feel so unprepared.

 

Now what?

I am getting frustrated with the lack of resources. Since last week, I have tried the only five resources I know of to get #1 help. One sent me to another, left a message for that one. Tried another,  they sent me to another, left a message for that one too. One tells me that her symptoms aren’t bad enough. It is no wonder the rate of teen suicide has gone up, it is difficult to get them help before it gets there.
Today, I found an electronic cigarette in her room. She tried to tell me it was her father’s and she didn’t know why she had it. I am at my wits end and out of ideas. We are pretty sure she has been stealing from us. I don’t know what to do.
#2 has been great. He has done an amazing job babysitting. He is like night and day. I can’t believe it!
I am so far behind on my homework it isn’t even funny. Every time I start to work on it, either I can’t concentrate,  or something needs to be dealt with. Midterms are the next 2 Mondays.
I feel like pulling out my hair!

What to do with a depressed teen?

For once, can it be about me? I never agree to go to events because I am afraid of how my children will act. I finally decided to RSVP for us to go to a BBQ with my class and we didn’t even get 10 minutes from the house and had to come home because #1 decided to act like everything is about what she wants, causing a problem with #2. She has been getting worse by the day, I am pretty sure she needs to be treated for depression, so I made her a doctor’s appointment to assess her for depression. Her doctor said to take her to counseling. Seriously? She has been seeing the same counselor for three years and that has obviously not done her any good because she does not want to talk to anyone about “[her] business.” Her doctor knows that. Of course, this was a Thursday. Two out of three of the counselors that she recommended don’t accept our insurance and the third did not answer the phone and is not open on Fridays. I called our local mental health help line and was pretty much told that there is nothing I can do until Monday unless she is trying to hurt herself or someone else. And they wonder why we have had so many teen suicides in our area lately…there is no help until it is too late.

It is my birthday weekend. For once can’t it be about me? Why do they have to act like the world revolves around them? Why can’t they care about someone other than themselves? They complain that we don’t do anything fun, but then this type of shit happens when we do try.

I wish I could just leave her at home, but I don’t trust her.

I have no idea what I am going to do all summer. I can’t really leave her to babysit while I go to school, but she will try to cause problems for #2 when he is babysitting. I am starting to think I was right yesterday, I never should have thought I could go to law school. I should have known better.

I just want to climb in a hole. I can’t take anymore. I just can’t.