Weekend Getaway

I am sorry I haven’t been posting. Alex and I have done a better job talking to eachother. I’m not gonna lie, we both still bottle things up and shut down, but not as much.

The last few days has been…stressful. who am I kidding? Things have been stressful for awhile. I’m not expecting things to be easy, but I wish we could catch a break once in a while.

We have planned a getaway for Saturday. I am definitely looking forward to that. I am hoping we can both relax and enjoy it. We both need it.

I am all set up to start back to school in May. I will be doing the 2 year program instead of the 3 year and will still graduate in 2017.

Well, I guess I better get my grocery shopping done and get home.

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What a year

Every where I look tonight, I see year-in-reviews, New Year’s resolutions, and other things related to the new year that begins in less than three hours (Pacific time). This post is going to be a little bit of all of the above.

It is 9:15 PM PST. All four of my kids are asleep. I am sitting in my bed, trying to get through this nasty glass of Alka Seltzer Cold, thinking. Thinking about the year that has passed. Thinking about the upcoming year.

My Year in Review

KD gave #1 a bloody nose in February. CPS stepped in an stopped contact between the two of them while requiring KD’s mom to supervise his contact with the other three kids. The police investigated and could prove nothing.

I finally had enough documentation to file a child custody modification in March. The commissioner granted me adequate cause and placed the CPS safety plan on record as the temporary court order. Beginning in May, KD began to get visitation with #1 every other weekend. In June, CPS closed their case because the safety of the children was in the hands of the family court. However, before they closed their case, they stated that if KD’s mom is unavailable, the burden of caring for the children falls on me. Beginning at the end of July, KD’s mom began to be “unavailable” to supervise KD’s time Monday through Friday. This gave me full physical custody of the children. However, legally he can still have them anytime during his designated residential time. As you can imagine, this gives KD a ridiculous amount of control and he knows it.

#2 participated in an outpatient treatment program for his behavior and finally got a diagnosis of borderline Autism spectrum, ADHD, and intermittent explosive disorder. This came after a fight with KD, an investigation by the newly appointed GAL, and a court hearing.

All of the above has taken its toll on Alex and I. We have broken up multiple times. Most recently, we broke up this weekend. The control that KD has is a large part of it. The kids are another part of it. We are trying to work on that fine line between being lovers and then being friends. We are struggling with this. What is too much in a friendship?

In late spring, I decided that I wanted to go to law school so I signed up to take the LSAT in October. I took the test and applied to my only choice of school, Gonzaga University School of Law. A couple of weeks ago, I received my letter of acceptance and letter offering me a $20,000 a scholarship. I start in the fall.

My 79-year-old grandmother decided that we (me, my mother, my aunt) were too much stress and not there for her enough and ran away from home in August. She returned home in October.

The Year Ahead

Our custody modification trial is set for March. I am asking for full custody and sole decision-making. The report from the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is due next week. This will have a high level of effect on the outcome of this modification.

I am requesting that the children be allowed to go to public school next year. I am hoping to move to a cheaper, nicer apartment in another part of town. I will be starting law school in September at Gonzaga University.

I am going to do my best to be a friend to Alex. It may be painful and confusing at times, but I will do it because I love him and I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. Maybe things will eventually work between us, maybe not.

He stopped by to drop off some cold medicine for me tonight. I again invited him to come over tonight. He was on his way to M&M’s house. He briefly touched my hand and the tingles came accompanied by goosebumps. There I went, crossing the invisible line again. I just don’t know where it is and how I am going to deal with it.

year in reviewAs I sat here and created this image, I was also texting with Alex. He told me I should have yes, whether he was drunk or not. Looks like I am alone because I didn’t listen to my heart. I love him. I miss him. I hope that its not too late for us.

Happy New Year. Hopefully this one will be better.

Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

It mattered to me

It mattered to me. Bottom line. When you love someone, if something matters to them, it matters to you by default. That is love. Lets use children as an example. Has your child ever had a passion for something that you could care less about? What do you do when your child starts to talk about it? Do you ignore them? No. You listen intently and ask questions. Why? You can tell that this subject matters to your child. Therefore, it matters to you. This is how relationships work. It does not matter what the relationship: parent-child, husband-wife, boyfriend-girlfriend, friends, you get the point.

Tonight, I was in a collision. I will tell you straight off that everyone walked away. I picked up #1, #2, and #3 from the bus and went to a meeting with my attorney. When we left the attorney’s office, we were discussing what to have for dinner and headed to pick up #4. I was about 5 minutes from the daycare when it happened.

I drove through a green light and suddenly the pickup in front of me stopped. I hit my brakes and tried to swerve, but it was too late. My car hit hard enough that my airbags deployed. My ears were ringing, the smell from the airbag was nauseating, the horn would not stop, and #1 was freaking out. Pulled into a parking lot and the first thing I did was ask how the kids were. #2 was fine, #3 was just in a lap belt and had a sore belly, and #1 had ringing in her ears. Next thing I did was ask the gentleman I hit if he was okay. He was fine. Then, the important question…how was his vehicle? He stated that his vehicle was fine. He tried to convince me that I needed to not drive my car because I was leaking fluid. In tears, I told him that I did not have a choice because I needed to at least get it home. He went to his truck, came back and said that even though he was fine and so was his truck, we still needed to exchange information. This is when my tears really began to flow. You see, I don’t have insurance. Even if I did, it probably would only be liability. He said that he was certain him and his truck were fine, but we exchanged information, just in case.

After much struggle, I finally got #1 to get back in the car. She was freaked out. We made it to the daycare (with no power steering and me watching to make sure I didn’t overheat), but when we tried to leave, the car would not start. I could not even get the hood open. I called CE, he came and grabbed the kids and took them home for me. I called my step-mom, freaking out and she reminded me that her brother lives in town. She gave me his number (that whole part of the family is mechanics) and I called to see if he could help me get it started so I could at least get it home. My uncle came and told me that it was not going to start so I needed to tow it. His truck would not tow it, but my cousin’s would. So, we went and grabbed my cousin and they towed the car back to my house. My cousin is fairly optimistic that he can fix the car for a couple hundred dollars as long as he can find the parts at the junk yard. I don’t have the money for that, but it is better than being totaled. He is going to come over in the next few days and look to see what all it needs. Once we figure out what it will cost, I will see if there is any way that he can afford to cover it and let me make payments to him. Otherwise, I am going to have to see what, if anything, my grandparents can do. My grandma here is going to share her car with me for a little while. I am going to see what I can come up with as far as car pooling or something to get to and from work and see what options I have as far as getting the kids to the bus in the mornings and home after school.

I did try to call Alex, but knew he had the girls tonight and didn’t expect anything from him except for maybe a comforting word or two. He didn’t answer the phone, but he texted me a little bit later and asked if everything was okay and I told him “no, not really.” He called immediately. I told him what happened and it really didn’t make me feel better. After I picked up my grandma’s car, I tried to call him because it was after the girls’ bedtime so I figured that I would update him and maybe hear something comforting. I really didn’t hear anything so I wasn’t sure that he had not just answered the phone in a half-sleep stupor. Then, I got a text telling me that he was glad that everyone was okay and he really didn’t know what else to say to me. I told him that something comforting, maybe tell me that at least everyone is okay, maybe tell me that everything will be okay, I don’t know. I never heard back from him. Comfort was what I needed from him, and what I got instead hurt.

I was starting to feel sore as I started to relax so I took some medicine and two hours later, it is finally making me drowsy. Good night world.

Holding on tight

How do you know whether or not to hold on? I learned in my marriage that loving someone is not always a good enough reason to hold on to a relationship. I learned from friendships that time together is not always a good reason to hold on.

Sometimes, you look at the person that you love and know that they love you, but you also know more. You know their hopes, their dreams, their past, their passion, their fears…you know that you are not enough anymore. You can feel it in their touch, or the lack of. You can see it in their eyes. They want to hold on so much that it hurts, but there is so much in the way that you can feel their grip slipping. You’re holding on too, but you can feel them slipping through your fingertips. You love them so much that you know there is someone that is a better fit for them. Someone that can make them happy again. Someone that can be everything you can’t.

This is usually where fear steps in. How will I ever find someone as amazing? How can anyone love me as much? How can anyone ever listen to and hear me as much? How could anyone else touch me so tenderly? How could I ever love someone else as much? How can I live wondering about what could have been? How can we be just friends? How long will it take before I am just a memory?

I don’t want to let go, but I will if that is what is best for him and his girls. Maybe one day, life will bring him back into my arms. Whatever life has in store for us, I hope Alex and the girls get all the love and happiness they deserve.

All he has to do is tell me to leave him alone and I will. I have told him that from day one. What do we do? What is best for everyone?

I don’t even know what to do to try harder. I don’t know what options are left. I want to be us again. I don’t want the walls to keep going up around our hearts. Sunday, laying naked in his arms, I could feel his breath on my neck, I could hear his heartbeat, I could feel his love for me as his arms held me tight. I felt safe. I felt like everything was okay. Then we got up and reality was back. I cried all the way home because I was so scared that it would be the last time I would ever feel like that again; the last time I would be in his arms.

He says he could never forget me, I just hope he is right. I am sure that it won’t take long for some amazing woman to snatch him up. He is an amazing man with a lot of love for the woman that can be all he needs.

Don’t get me wrong, I will hold on to this as long as I can. I am invested in this. I love him and I will fight for this to work. But I won’t try to push him to stay if he feels like he can’t anymore. I love him too much for that. I just don’t think I can be the one to let go first.

“Never say goodbye…”

This is exactly what I am afraid of. I am afraid Alex (wow, I actually typed his real name) will forget me. I am afraid that he will let go of me and find the woman that can be all that he needs and wants. I am afraid that I will lose my friend. I am afraid I will never find a guy that will measure up to the standards that he has created for me. Worse, I am afraid that he will keep trying and begin to hate me. I am afraid that he will begin to resent me. I couldn’t live with that. I don’t know what I would do if he began to hate and resent me. I am afraid of pushing him back into the hole of despair that he says I pulled him out of.

Tonight, he actually compared our relationship to our marriages. Said that for us to keep trying is like either of us having stayed in our marriages. Is it that bad with us? Are we really fighting that much of a losing battle? The problem is, if he is right, then I will just become a distant memory. Someone he once knew. I don’t want that, but I do want him to be happy.

I’ll tell you one thing…when he does find the woman that can be everything he needs and wants, I will be the first person to tell her that she better not hurt him or the girl or I will kick her a**. That’s what friends are for, right? Who am I trying to kid?? When he finds her, we will lose touch. She won’t want him to have anything to do with me. That’s okay though. For one, I will know that he is happy. For two, I know that M&M will stand up for him. Just like M did to me.

I will never forget the first time I met up with the group without Alex. M told me that Alex was his best friend and he loved him. I looked him square in the eye and told him, “So do I.” One of the things I love about Alex is that he is so loved by so many people, especially me.

Numerous times, Alex has told me that he can’t do six kids. He can’t handle the way my kids treat me. He can’t handle how disrespectful my kids are. He tells me that he will never be able to handle it all. Yet, I still hold on. Numerous times he has question why I hold on when I know how he feels. It all comes down to two things. I love him and he shows me that he loves  me by trying. He could have, and by all rights should have, given up on me, on us, already. He hasn’t, at least not yet.

I guess I had better put this thing away since I am blind typing behind tears. The thought of losing him makes me want to curl up and cry until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t do that though. I have to be an adult. I have to be here for my kids. I have to go to work. I have to put on a face and pretend that everything is okay. I cry myself to sleep at night wondering how much longer I will be able to call him mine. When I finally fall asleep, it is restless. I wake up often, checking my phone to see if he has sent me a text. Tonight is the second night in a row that I am sleeping in a pair of his pajama pants and one of his shirts while snuggling into another of his shirts just so I can pretend that he is close. Pretend that I am not losing him. Pretend…I hate that word. He always uses it in reference to the time we do get to spend together “pretending.”

I really am done now. I guess the summary of this all…I am scared that Alex is going to tell me goodbye and forget me forever.

Lunch time rant

What do you do when you are in a relationship, but neither of you know what to do about your relationship??

This is where Alex and I are at right now. I know, you read this almost every day from me. I love him. He loves me. Neither of us wants to walk away because we are scared, but neither of us knows what to do in order to make it work either. The recurring question… what do we do now??

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I am the cause of his unhappiness. I hate feeling alone. I hate not knowing what is going on with us from one minute to the next. I love him. I love his smile. I love his touch. I love his smell. I love the way he looks when he is sleeping. I love way he thinks about everyone else first, the way he cares about everyone. I love the way he treats GM. I love the way that he looks at me. I love that I feel safe with his arms around me.

I am the one on the front lines of all that upsets and frustrates him. I am the one that has to deal with the disappointment in my children when they don’t hear from their father and haven’t seen him in almost a month. I am the one that has to hear “I want Daddy” every single day. I am the one who has to deal with the hormones of a preteen girl and a pubescent boy. I am the one that has to clean up the pieces when no one wants to be around us. I am the one that has to console them when they think that Alex hates them. I am the one who has to listen to how unfair it is that we never do anything fun. I am the one that sits in a house full of kids feeling alone because I don’t have anyone to share my frustrations with. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and let me vent. Yes, I know I can be negative. What do you expect?

I need and want him. I know he can be that man. He was that man. Then life got in the way even more.

Timing has never been on my side in life. Just once, I want things to go my way. I want to know that just once, I can be the one that life hands a pass to. The one that gets to be truly happy. When will it be my turn. When can I have my dreams come true?

Proud Mommy!

I know that I complain about how much of a pain #1 is, but I have to say that I am proud of her. She made Honor Roll for first quarter. She enjoys volunteering. She enjoys helping people. As soon as she can control her anger and emotions, she is going to be an amazing woman.

Tonight, I was watching a movie with the boys and #4 (#1 is on a mini mission trip with her youth group) when #4 brings a paper and tells me to look at what she drew. I looked up and saw this:

MOM
By #4

I have to admit. I almost cried. I am so proud of her. She wrote “mom.” Yes, I know it is upside down, but it is the first time she has done this. It was even unprompted.

I LV MOM
By #4

The first person that I wanted to share this moment with was Alex. I texted him this picture and a little text that had a large amount of exclamation points and he responded with “Good job.” He is letting go. I feel like the only one that was happy to see me today was A2. It breaks my heart to see him so unhappy.

20131206-222218.jpgI went over to see Alex this afternoon. He sat next to me on the couch and I cuddled up to him so I could be close to him. I learned something today. My bare skin on his still gives me goosebumps. All I did was put my hand on his cheek. I still love him. I still desire him. He is attractive to me in so many ways. Above all, I want the three of them to be happy.

 

 

Well S**t

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I love this picture because I think it fully explains how I feel about my life lately. I know that these posts have not gotten very personal over the last few days. I am trying to sort through some things in my head and my heart and I am not sure that I am ready to put any of it into words.

I feel like I have lost Alex. Neither one of us know what we are doing or what we are holding onto and I am afraid that we are holding on to what was. I still have hope for what could be, but I don’t want to hold him back if he does not feel the same. I know he loves me, he always will because that is the kind of guy he is. I just don’t know…I don’t even know how to put it into words.

He has really come through for me over the last few days and rescued me financially. I hate it. I hate that I had to even tell him that I was having problems. I hate to admit that I can’t do this alone. There is so much lately that I feel I need help with and my finances are only the beginning. I feel like I have no one to talk to, someone to just listen. Yes, I know that sometimes I can be a extremely negative. I am sorry. Life sucks for me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I have great things and great people in my life, but lately I just feel like I am alone. There is that word again. Yes, I am always surrounded by people, but I still feel alone.

20131205-220525.jpgChallenges. That is an understatement. It feels like every single time things start to look up with us, we end up here. Where neither of us knows what is going on. I have not taken my ring off because I still want him. I want us. I am still willing to give this my all. My fear is that we will keep pushing this and we will end up losing our friendship also. He was my best friend. I knew that he was there and I could tell him anything. Lately, I find that I am questioning myself about whether or not what I am going to text him is something he will even care about. No more are there the texts first thing in the morning just so I knew he was thinking about me when he woke up. I don’t text him when I first get up either, but it is not because I am not thinking about him. I wake up in the middle of the night and the first thing I do is look at my phone to see if he has sent me anything. No more texts telling me good night and sweet dreams. I fall asleep at night with my phone in my hand waiting…No more is the romance. Yes, I am unhappy with our relationship right now. I miss my best friend. I miss my partner. I miss my love. I miss my boyfriend. I miss the man who couldn’t wait to get me alone. I miss the man who would ask for a picture just because I told him I was going to get in the shower. I miss the man who’s heart sped up when I touched his skin. I miss what we had. I would give anything to go back to what we were. I hate where we are. I am scared of getting my heart broken, but I am more afraid of losing my best friend forever.

I know that I am where I am in life because of choices that I have made. However, I cannot change those choices. Yes, part of me wishes that I could go back in time and tell myself not to trust KD and his charm. Yes, part of me wishes that I had stayed on track with my goals. Yes, part of me wishes that I had been able to follow my life plan that I had.  But, guess what? I can’t. I just have to live my life and handle things as they come my way.

I don’t want to feel so alone anymore. I am never alone, but I always feel so alone.

Love is a Verb

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I know you love me. You may not say it often, but you show me. You may never understand why I love you and how you make me feel loved, but I do. I know there are times when we wonder if the other would be better if we just walked away. Who knows? Maybe we would be. All I know is that I love you and I will try as long as you don’t give up on me.

 

 

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I want to have your arms around me. That is still my safe place. You are my rock. Your arms are my hiding place. When I am sleeping in your arms, I am home and all is right with my world.

 

 

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It seems as though the world if out to get us, but please don’t give up yet.