Is it gone?

As I lay here in bed listening to my 100+ pound dog snore, I wonder what is happening to my life. I have worked hard to try to do what was best for my family, but I keep feeling like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m alone. The one person I’m supposed to be able to talk to gets mad at me and doesn’t understand. I feel like I’m his enemy. I hate it. I miss him. I miss us. I feel like I’ve already lost him.

Sometimes I just want to run away from being me. Work, home, kids, family, responsibilities, clients, all of it. But then I remember that despite it all, I love them. I love my kids, I want the best for them. I don’t want to coddle them, but I dont want to lose them either. I love my husband. I don’t want to lose him, but I hate how unhappy he is. I just feel like he regrets me.

I just don’t know because we don’t talk. We fight, we jab. We both get defensive, but we don’t talk anymore. I miss that. I miss telling him how I felt, no matter what. I miss all of it. I hope it’s not gone. I hope its just hiding and we can pull it back out. Our toolbox is broken, but how do we fix it when one won’t help? I can’t do it alone.

Quotes for today.


This is #2. He needs the most, but everyone wants to give him the lady because of how he acts.


Umm. Yes. All 6 kids do annoy me at times.


3 cups of coffee,  not enough.


I have been that close to losing it all day


This is where so many fights start. Just LISTEN the first time.





Oh, I’m sure I’m screwing them all up.

A quote or two

Even when I’m grumpy about our time apart, I believe this.

At least I hope so.

This was so me today.

Well, more or less. I’m gonna be ok. It’ll be good for me.

And the last one at night, in case your were wondering.

I do appreciate you Alex. I know I can be difficult and grumpy, but I appreciate that you listen to me.

All Over the Map

Trying to go back to posting almost every day. I don’t know what to type though. This is the fourth post that I have started in the last fifteen minutes. The first one was a journal prompt “Five ways to Win my Heart.” Then, there was a Shakespeare quote about expectation. Then a post about the upcoming week. I could not get one of them actually going without sounding ridiculous, whiny, or crabby. Not that I think this one is off to a great start either, but at least it is honest. I guess I could combine them all.

Five Ways to Win my Heart

1. Listen to me. I don’t always need advice. Sometimes I just need you to listen to me. I do need you to give me an ear. Celebrate with me. Remember what I have told you, but be patient if I repeat myself.

2. Surprise me. Dinner, date night, flowers, a note, a phone call, a visit, or whatever. I like surprises.

3. Have faith in me. I have a hard time accepting that I can do things on my own. I have a hard time knowing what I am capable of. Sometimes, I just need a little encouragement.

4. Accept me as I am. I get mad for no reason. I hurt easily. I cry for no reason. I love romantic movies. I have four…unique…children who have a…difficult…father. I get jealous. I have trust issues. I like my hooded sweatshirts. I change my hair when I feel like I am losing control. I like to dress up once in a while, but I am not a girly girl. I make mistakes, a lot. I can be selfish. I hate exercise, but I love to eat, especially my junk food.

5. Be yourself from the beginning. Share your goals with me. Share your dreams with me. Share your life with me.


“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” William Shakespeare

Isn’t that the truth! Typically people only upset us when we expect something. Either because of past actions, words they have said, past experiences in our lives, books we have read, movies we have watched, stories we have heard, or whatever. I don’t want to say that we shouldn’t expect things, but when someone or something upsets us, we need to step back and look at our own expectations.


The Upcoming Week

Tomorrow is the dawn of a new week. I get to go to work. The kids head to KD’s. I have my first coparenting counseling session. We have parent-teacher conferences. I get three nights with Alex, one of which will be with the girls. I may get a girls’ night this weekend. That’s about it.

Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.


Two quotes

It was natural to believe that she had found someone who might be able to take care of her in all sorts of ways. Was it so wrong to want that? No one had ever really taken care of her. Not her father and not her mother, not really.
~Laura Lippman, and when she was good

Wow. That’s all that quote gets.


I need to keep reminding myself of this.