Time travel. Oh the things I would do. As tempting as it may be to go back in time and stick to my guns when I left KD in 2001, I wouldn’t do that. That would mean losing my three youngest. Who knows where I would be now if I hadn’t stayed with him for so long. Who knows who I would be.
I think right now, the first thing I would do is skip over this coming week. Kids are supposed to leave at 7:00 AM tomorrow. I have no car. I have no money. I have no plans, except work. How sad is it that the only thing I have to look forward to this week is work? It isn’t like I even have an exciting job. Its just the only place I can pretend that I am not alone. It is the one place that life doesn’t feel like it is falling apart.
I am sure you are wondering how last night went. It actually went really well. Alex and the girls stayed until 8:00 PM. A1 was playing with #1 and #2 for most of the time and the only real issue was that they were being pretty loud and the rest of us were trying to watch a movie. Poor A2 didn’t feel good at all. I felt bad because I had to keep getting up and all she wanted was to cuddle me. Alex wasn’t really here with us at all. #4 tried to cuddle with him and he didn’t even move his arm to let her in. I didn’t get much more reaction from him when I tried to touch him.
I guess the way things have been lately, his text tonight should not have surprised me. Nothing should surprise me anymore. I had asked him if he wanted me to ride the bus to his place after work tomorrow. When I finally heard back from him he told me that A2 has decided she only wants it to be the three of them for Christmas. A1 wants me there and doesn’t want me to be alone for Christmas. I didn’t ask you about Christmas. I asked you about tomorrow. How much of it is the girls and how much is him? I am glad that he cares how they feel, I really do. I just wonder sometimes…
Lets assess my upcoming week:
- I don’t have my kids
- I don’t have Alex
- I don’t have any family (apparently my mother isn’t even spending Christmas up here)
- I have no car
- I have no money
- I don’t even have friends I could spend it with
- Work is closed on Wednesday so I can’t even hide there
Finally Alex told me to just come over and we can all pretend and drag the kids through the crap until a miracle happens. Wow. That feels special. I would rather be alone than somewhere I am not wanted.
What?? Does Pandora have a window to my heart? Here Without You from 3 Doors Down just came on. How fitting. “I’m here without you baby, but you’re still on my lonely mind. I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time.” That is the problem with sleep. I dream. I see happiness there. In my dreams, I have kids that listen, a boyfriend (not just any boyfriend either, Alex) that wants to be with me and accepts all my baggage, friends that love me, family, a home, kids that want to be with me…
I read about the people who feel numb in their emotions. Right now, that doesn’t sound all that bad. I am tired. I don’t want to hurt so bad. The pain is almost unbearable right now.
My kids will be gone for a week and I couldn’t even get #4 to snuggle with me tonight.
Well, I guess, I will work as much as I can this week. When I am not working, I’ll read. Maybe I’ll catch up on some of the sleep I have been missing out on, but the problem is that when I do finally sleep, I don’t want to wake up because in my dreams I am not alone.
Damn you Pandora! I Never Told You by Colbie Caillat. “I miss those blue eyes. How you kiss me at night. I miss the way we sleep…Like the takes of your smile. I miss the way we breathe. But I never told you what I should have said…And now, I miss everything about you. Can’t believe that I still want you. And after all the things we’ve been through. I miss everything about you…I see your blue eyes every time I close mine…”
Yes. Hibernation sounds nice. Wake me up when my life isn’t falling apart please.
Maybe I should just turn the radio off. Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts. I always think of Alex when I hear this song. I have been through a great deal of crap in my life, but I remind myself that without it, I would never have met him. I guess no matter where we land, I just need to remember that he has done so much for me. Even he has helped mold me.
Mom in Reality 