Quotes for today.

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This is #2. He needs the most, but everyone wants to give him the lady because of how he acts.

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Umm. Yes. All 6 kids do annoy me at times.

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3 cups of coffee,  not enough.

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I have been that close to losing it all day

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This is where so many fights start. Just LISTEN the first time.

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Oh, I’m sure I’m screwing them all up.

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Nervous, but excited

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Just when I think KD can’t get any dumber, he proves me wrong. He never filed a response to the contempt charges. Our hearing is tomorrow. Assuming the commissioner rules in my favor, it’s grounds for modification. I won’t back down this time. I have to do what is right for those kids. On the plus side, his stupidity gives me practice for when I become an attorney, maybe I won’t have jitters every time I get in front of a judge. I need to pretend this is someone else’s life and keep my emotions in check.

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#2 needs help. He had another couple of his fits this week. He needs something to help keep him on an even keel. He can’t get into a psychologist for at least 6 weeks to get an updated evaluation. The rest of the places I talked to were saying after the first of the year. That is outrageous! What is a parent supposed to do to get their kid help?

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Alex and I have had a rough week. He’s sore, he’s frustrated, his patience is low, and because of all that, he is a million miles away. I miss him. I miss us.
I can’t wait to get back to school. Until them, I feel useless. I’m not working. We don’t have much housework to do because we keep up on it.

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Next week is spring break. On Thursday, we are taking a family (yes all 8) trip to see mine and Alex’s grandparents. We are looking at a lot of time in the car with six kids. Glad my car had the dvd player and headphones. It should be interesting…

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When it rains….

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Because sometimes that is about all you can say. Some days are just OMG WTF days. Sometimes, you have an OMG WTF week. Sometimes you wonder how many times you recently you have thought OMG WTF. I can honestly say that has been a common thought on my mind lately. I almost didn’t post tonight, but I needed to get it out of my system so I can try to sleep tonight.

I cannot say that it is about any one thing in particular either, unfortunately.

First there is KD. About a week and a half ago, I received a letter in the mail from the departmentImage result for was i drunk the entire relationship of licensing telling me that my license was going to be suspended because I was the registered owner of a vehicle that was in an accident that was not insured. The letter gave me a date of August 4, 2014. Well, I knew I had not been in an accident during that time, so I was pretty sure it was KD. After much research, I was able to find out that he has not had valid insurance since June 18, 2014, and his license is currently suspended. I find this interesting for a couple of reasons. First, KD was the one that requested the clause that the children only be transported by a licensed and insured driver. Second, he provided me with an insurance card on July 17 that was supposedly valid. Combine that with the fact that he has yet to provide proof of completion of the anger management class (originally ordered in February 2014) or the parenting class ordered in our June 2014 parenting plan. I have been sitting on the classes because the last time we were in the commissioner’s court, he told us that we needed to start giving each other the benefit of the doubt. So, I was trying. This license and insurance thing was my last straw. I filed two separate contempt motions and had him served. We go to court on April 3. With my motion I filed a copy of the cancellation his insurance provided me, a copy of the collision report showing that he had #2 in the vehicle at the time of the accident, and a print out from the department of licensing that showed his license is suspended. Like that’s not enough…..

stupid2When I picked up the kids after school on Monday, they told me that they had moved out of KD’s mom’s house. They have moved in with one of KD’s friends instead. So, there are 6 people in a two-bedroom apartment. This friend of his is 27. What type of 27 year old single guy with no kids wants a guy and his four children to move in with him? I worry about #1, who does not look 13. #2 and #3 are sharing a futon in the living room. At least #1 and #4 have a bedroom, but what type of privacy do they really have? The catch is that in Washington, the primary parent stupid(we are both considered primary) has to notify the other parent of any move. If the new residence is in a different school district, there has to be 60 days prior to moving so that the other parent has the ability to file an objection. Guess what?? His new residence is in a different school district AND he has not told me at all. The only reason I know is because the kids told me and so did their counselor. The counselor is going to write a statement as to what the children have told her about the move. I just don’t understand how he can be so stupid sometimes. I did send an email to his mother telling her that I know we don’t get along, but I am worried about the choices her son is making in regards to our children. I am hoping that she decides to help me out. I’m not holding my breath, but…. Oh wait….her response just came in. She told me that she is concerned about my behavior. I told her that I have done my best to correct my problems and be a better parent. there was obviously more, but that was the gist.

Then there is Alex. I love him so much. He has been having a great deal of cognitive difficulties since the accident. At first we thoughtthat way they were just because of his medications. However, when he come off the majority of the medications, it has not gotten any better and that frustrates him. We went to a neurologist today who suggested that he talk to someone else. His back has been bothering him more again. I think it is because he has been overdoing it at work. He is so stubborn and does not want everyone else to have to pull his weight, but he needs to remember that these people care about him and understand that his body is still healing. I just feel like he is shutting me out. He is trying to crawl into a hole. I am trying so hard to keep him out of it, but its hard. I keep trying to reassure him that I am here and I am not going anywhere. That no matter what happens he does not have to face it alone, we are a team.

I just feel so alone right now. He is here physically, but I feel like he is so far away. I miss him. I am so scared that I am going to lose him. I feel like I am failing him. He tells me how I brought him out of his hole three years ago. I can’t seem to keep him out of this one, I am failing him, failing our family.

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Moving Sucks!

Moving sucks, but moving two separate households into two separate households really sucks. I knew going into this move that Alex had his own stuff to worry about because he was supposed to be out of town for work next weekend. I knew that I was not a priority. This house is his first step to creating a new life for him and the girls. I know I spend more time at his place than he does at mine, but that is his choice, not mine. I just got frustrated that I did so much for his move and he put off the only thing I asked for help with. I wouldn’t have even asked for help if I had the tools myself because I didn’t want to bother him. Then when I stopped unpacking at my place to take him his load of laundry, have a late dinner, and go to bed, he asked me to empty a box. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that he helped with the bed for #2, picked up some thugs at the old apartment, brought a load in his car, and put my bed together. I just had high expectations. I shouldn’t have, but I did.
There were people I expected to help me, but few did. S and E came Friday with her work can and his trailer. They brought her 21yr old also. It’s basically done now. A few incidentals left. Now for the unpacking.
The new job is going well!! I love the people.
My stepmom has been in the ICU since Friday with pneumonia in both lungs. She can’t keep her O2 sats up long enough to take the mask off, but Dad said she ate today.

OVERLOAD!

I know that there are readers that will be shocked and pissed off at me when I am done with this post, but these are my feelings and I need to get them out before I go crazy. 

I just got off the phone with my attorney and found out that KD’s attorney is threatening to file a contempt motion against me because KD cannot get half of the cash and food assistance from the state for the kids. The way our state works, who ever claims them first gets them. I talked to the representative on the phone when I reported that we were back to a 50/50 schedule. I asked her how I would go about taking two of the kids off my benefits to let him claim them. I was told that the only way to do it was for us to say that he had two of them for more than 50% of the time. So, unless I lie, there is no way to split up the kids. I am so tired of jumping through hoops to do what I am supposed to while he gets away with doing whatever he wants. He still has not started anger management classes, he still is not taking #4 to the daycare, he still has not taken care of getting #4’s application done to start school, he is not always letting me talk to them every other day, but does he get in trouble? No, of course not.

Sometimes I wonder if it is all worth the fight. I am having to run in circles because of the crap he pulls, but there are no consequences for him. Why? What have I done that is so wrong that this world is constantly against me? I feel like every time things start to look up, life gets in the way again. I am constantly bombarded by KD about the kids’ karate, but he doesn’t ever take #2 to Boy Scouts and no one has a problem with that. I just don’t understand. I just don’t want to play these stupid games anymore. Why can’t he just care about his kids? Is it just me? Am I really the bad guy? Why do they talk to him when he actually calls, but I can’t hardly get a hello out of them when I call. Am I really that bad of a parent?

I see how unhappy my kids are with the way things are, I see how unhappy Alex is because of the way things are with us, I see how unhappy his girls are because I make them miss their mom, my own family doesn’t really talk to me. Sometimes I wonder how long it would take anyone to notice if I just disappeared. Well, KD would notice when I didn’t show up to get the kids on Monday morning, but how long would it take everyone else? How long would it take them to get over it? I don’t have the guts to just walk away from my life, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering.

My last day of work was last Thursday. I had an interview for another job on Tuesday and will be starting that job on the 14th of this month. I am waiting for Housing to do their inspection of the new apartment and then I will be able to sign the lease and move in as long as I have the okay from the court because my home is changing school districts. Forget the fact that it has absolutely no bearing on the kids’ school… Just another thing that is in my way. My car blew a gasket last week. My uncle is fixing it, but it is still $300 I didn’t really have. I have to pay rent at 2 apartments, pay my Gonzaga deposit, and pay the apartment deposit. Alex offered to loan me the money for the car when I couldn’t find any other way to do it all.

Alex found a house to buy. I am excited for him and the girls. I am jealous too. I am trying not to be, but I am not going to lie, I am. I know I made my the choices that have put me where I am in my life, but I get so frustrated that I have worked so hard and have nothing to show for it. I know I have my kids, who for the most are not that bad. I know they drive me crazy, I know they have things to improve on, but they also have some pretty amazing moments that make me proud to say they are mine. I miss them. A lot. I am sure that by this time next week, I will be going out of my mind because next week is spring break and they will be home with me, but right now, I miss them.

This is not how I planned my life. I know that life rarely goes the way we plan, but dammit. I am so tired. Not just physically, but all around. I don’t know how, its not like I have really been doing much this week. I did go to three job interviews, drop my papers off at Housing, go grocery shopping, make dinner, and help Alex pack some more of the stuff he doesn’t really use. All the running around was done by bus, so that was time consuming.

I stopped taking the Zoloft because I broke out in hives after being on it for two weeks. Now that I am off that and the hives are gone, I am starting Prozac. She still has me taking the hydroxyzine at night before I go to bed and any other time I get worked up. I just feel so overwhelmed so much of the time lately. I can’t wait to get settled into the new apartment and start the new job to get back to some routine and consistency.

Today, I have to go meet my attorney so that we can confirm one more time that the only way to get KD half the benefits is to lie. That way if KD’s attorney files a contempt motion, we can show that I did everything I could and did not prevent KD from getting benefits. Then, I have to ride to the other side of town to get my last paycheck, clean out my locker, and turn in my badge. Hoping I can make it before they close because I am not meeting my attorney until 1:30 and there won’t be anyone at my old job after 5:00.

I know that I will be okay, I always am. I just get overwhelmed and feel lost sometimes.

Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.

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What Will it Take??

Well, I know many of you are wondering how court went yesterday.

It sucked. Prior to the hearing,  the GAL told both attorneys that she wanted to talk to them. She quickly went over  her opinion of this hearing and what her final recommendation would be, barring any major statements from the counselor on Monday. After this chat, Pat pulled me into the empty courtroom to tell me. The GAL is recommending that we resume a 50/50 schedule with no supervision. She spoke with at least the three older kids on Wednesday and all three of them told her that they did not want Grandma (KD’s mom) there all the time and that none of them are afraid of him. Of course they aren’t afraid of him, their time has been supervised for almost  a year and the last incident was almost a year ago. I lost it. Basically, what these people are telling me and my kids is that I cannot protect them. We decided to continue the hearing for two weeks in order for me to digest what the GAL had to say. However, the only way that the other side would agree to a continuance was for us to drop supervision pending the next hearing. That means that KD is now with the kids unsupervised.

I was directly asked by a friend how I feel about all of this information. I had to stop and think for a minute. On one hand, I am outraged, angry, and scared. I am outraged that once again, KD can do whatever he wants to and get away with it. I am angry that the history and the CPS findings mean nothing. I am scared about what will happen next, or if my kids will even be willing to come forward when something happens. On the other hand,  I am happy to have my weeks back with Alex.

I am going to fight this through trial. I am not going to give up this time. It will have to be a judge’s decision that we stick with 50/50. That way, when something does happen again, I will be able to say that I did everything I could to protect these kids.

We all need to make changes

 

 

Yep. This seems to be the story of my life. Every single time I start to feel like life is starting to go my way, life laughs at me and throws me a curve ball. I suppose you are wondering, “What is she going to complain about now?” I am aware that my blog has turned into a constant bitch session. I have tried to post when there are positive things going on as well, but when things are going well, I am wrapped up in enjoying it.

Yesterday, Alex told me that he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and asked if he wanted to do dinner last night, or something today. He said he would ask the girls. I was speechless for a few minutes, but responded with “K.” The he told me, “Best I can do.” Then I kinda lost it. I asked if he asked if they wanted to go to anyone else’s house, or just mine. I told him that I know the girls’ opinion matters to him, but sometimes I think that they have too much control. He told me that their opinions matter to him and he asks them if they want to go to everyone’s house. I told him that my kids’ opinions matter too, but sometimes, as the parent, I make the decisions. We both got off early and spent about a half hour together. As always, it was nice.

Alex and the girls did come over for dinner last night and I thought it was going pretty well. #1 didn’t argue when I told her to do the dishes. #2, #3, and A1 were playing together upstairs. A2 was sitting with Alex and I on the couch. Alex asked her what their plans for today were and if she wanted company. She pointed to me and I reminded her that I would have the kids and she said no. Then, Alex told her that was not very nice and came up with ideas of how it would work. She got excited.

#4 went upstairs, but there was a little bit of a problem because she took a marker upstairs with her and #2 started to get upset. I told #4 that she needed to stay downstairs with the marker. #1 came and sat on the couch with us, but was a little upset that A2 was snuggling with me and so #1 could not. She never wants to cuddle with me. Then A2 went and colored with #4. #3 came downstairs and sat watching the movie with us. #4 went upstairs and I heard her start crying. I went to find out what was going on. #2 had told her that she could not come in because she had a pen. I told her that she needed to stay downstairs to color. At that point, I thought all was good. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Suddenly, A1 came downstairs and asked if they could leave. At first, Alex was all over it. Then, A2 was not impressed and they stayed for the rest of the movie. A1 did tell Alex that #2 was being mean to #4.

This morning, I got a text from Alex that when they got home last night, A1 went straight to bed. Then he told me that he didn’t think today or tomorrow was a good idea. You see, he is going to M&M’s for the game and told me to call and see about us joining them. I hated the idea of inviting myself, but was willing to do it in order to spend the time with Alex. I guess Alex asked if she wanted to see me or the kids today or tomorrow and she said no. I told him that he blames all of our problems on KD, but even if he dropped off the face of the earth, we would be in the same position. Alex told me I was right, nothing would ever change. I told him that things can change, but we will ALL have to be willing to make changes. He told me to let him know when my kids were ready to change. It took all I had not to flip out at that moment. I haven’t heard much else from him today. I asked him if he wants #1 and I to come over on Monday. His response was that he wants us to, but he doesn’t know what is best and he knows I need to do laundry. I told him not to worry about my laundry. Make a choice based on him only.

I have some serious heartburn tonight. I already took 4 chewable antacids, but it hasn’t gone away. I just took 4 more.

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without me. I know that I make him happy, but I cannot change what I bring with me.

I know that my kids are not the same as his kids. I know that my kids can be difficult, but I also know that my kids can be pretty amazing. These four kids have been through a world of hurt over the last two years and continue to be thrown around like pawns in their father’s games. I know that things haven’t been easy for A1 and A2, but they know that both their parents love them. They are even lucky enough to have me love them. My kids don’t have that. At least one of them is convinced that their father hates them. Two of them think want their father’s affection so much that they don’t know how to react. These kids want someone to love them, they want to know that they are important. I can only do so much. We really don’t have any family here. I don’t have friends that take any interest in the kids. I feel like I am screwing these kids up almost every single day, but then one of them does something so amazing that I wonder where it came from. Then I realize, these kids are amazing, they just need someone to believe in them and show them that they are important. I try, but it just isn’t enough. Very rarely is what I do enough.

Hey!! My heartburn is finally gone!!! Yeah! At least something is going my way.

I am scared about this hearing. What the Guardian ad Litem says on Thursday will give us a major insight into what she is going to say in regards to the entire case. Logically, I know that someday the supervision will have to be dropped, but it scares me. I am afraid of what will happen. Oh, KD will be careful for a little while, but one day he will snap again. Logically, I know that I have shown that I have the best interests of the kids at heart and am the best place for them, but I am still scared. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Forget about the heartburn being gone. It was just a temporary reprieve, go figure.

Another try…

Well, what can I say? Some times, no matter how hard we try, life gets in the way. No matter what we want in life, no matter how good something feels, it seems like the odds will always be against you. This is how I am feeling today.

Alex and A1 came over for dinner last night. They even stayed the night. Alex was uncomfortable on the couch and in my bed, but he stayed. It meant a lot to me that they both made the effort. He woke up with a headache and, in turn, very little patience.

#1 decided to get mad at me because I asked her to do dishes after breakfast this morning. Then she had a melt down. Alex and A1 left. Then my fantabulous day really began. Everyone served time outs. #3 stayed home from karate because after three (3) hours of being in his room, he still had not cleaned out from under his bed. #1 stayed home to supervise. #1 cleaned the kitchen, helped #4 with their room, vacuumed their room, helped #2 clean behind the couch and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. #2 cleaned the downstairs bathroom, cleaned behind the couch, and cleaned the kitchen floor. #3 spent all afternoon in his room “cleaning under the bed.” #4 cleaned her room.

I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which way is up. I am running out of consequences. None seem to be effective. I just want some help. Someone to help me figure out what to do with my children.

I am afraid of what the week after next will look like. I hate that KD can randomly decide to exercise his residential time after he has not been doing it for over five months. I just wish that Pat would have listened to me back in August when I told him this would happen. Now, I have to let them go over them for a week, but not all of them. I can’t even pretend to enjoy the time they are gone because I will still have #1.

I know that I keep saying that I will be the mean mom, and I intend to. I just feel so lost. Yes, I know that I need more follow through. Yes, I know that I need more consequences that work. Yes, I know that I need to reestablish that I am boss. I just don’t know how and I feel like it is all a losing battle.

I did my best to leave Alex alone after he left today. First of all, it was just him and A1 today. Second, I need to leave the ball in his court after we have a rough episode. I need to realize that sometimes he just needs some space, but let him know that I am still here.

To Whom It May Concern:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am tendering my resignation effective immediately from my current position. I can no longer fulfill the role of maid, warden, chaufer, cook, scheduler, mother, ex-wife, friend, girlfriend, or adult.

I have come to learn that I am ill-equipped for this position and I apologize for accepting it without the necessary experience. I now know this was a mistake for all involved.

I appreciate all this position has taught me through the years. I will use the knowledge and experience in any future endeavors.

Thank you,
Mominreality

P.S. An increase in respect might get me to reconsider…

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