Sometimes I wonder if Alex is right. I will never get out of this financial rut I am in. Found out on Tuesday that my van is up for repossession and the only way to hold them off is pay them exactly the amount my paycheck will be. I can’t do that because I still have to pay the rest of August’s rent, pay my mom for my cell phone, and still function for two weeks. I do not know what to do about it. I am thinking about trying to talk to my grandmother, but that never does me any good.
I have been awake for 18 hours and worked 11 of them. I am tired, but I am wide awake. I am starting to get nervous about tomorrow. We have the settlement meeting at 9:00, pick up #1’s middle school schedule at 11:45, #1’s middle school orientation and BBQ from 12:00-2:00, and my deposition at 3:00. I should be sleeping. I can’t.
I really want Alex to hold me, but he crawled in bed rolled away from me and asked if I was going to cuddle him. I did, until he fell asleep. Now I am laying here, typing on my phone, and trying not to cry.
Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.
“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.
“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.
“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.
“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.
Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.
I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.
Almost every day, at least one of my children brings home an advertisement that asks for money. Yesterday, #1 had one for dance classes and camps. Last week, they all had pages for cupcake sales. Before that there was baseball, basketball, father-daughter social, father-son social, Spanish, art, book orders, you get the idea. These all have two things in common: cost and my children want to do them.
How am I supposed to explain that I can’t hardly pay for the necessities, let alone extras? I just don’t think it is right to send so many of these money requests home, not everyone has extra income to spend on these extras.
How do you handle these at your house??
As if things couldn’t get any worse, we got a notice of default taped to our house today. Unfortunately, it was my inlaws that drove by and told me there was papers taped to the house. “Looks like you’re getting evicted.” Little did she know, that is exactly what it was. I have 30 days to come up with almost $8,000. I can come up with $4500 for sure. Hopefully that will appease them for now.
I feel comfortable sharing this with you because there is only one person that knows my true identity and she promised not to say anything or criticize me for what she reads. God bless her for that silence.
I know all the criticisms that could come from this post. Trust me, I have already said them to myself.
My prayer for tonight:
Please watch over my family and me during this rough time. Help us to come up with a plan to keep our home. I do not want to lose my home.
Please, Lord, help our business take off so that we can make it.
Please grant my son the peace he needs to get through life and us the peace and guidance to give him what he needs. Amen