I don’t know how people can say their love hasn’t changed. I have never understood that. My love for
Alex is always changing, evolving. Some parts
stay the same. I love him more than I could ever put into words. He is my best friend, has been almost from day one. I fell for him faster than I ever wanted to admit, I was afraid to fall for him. How could I ever get a man like that? How could he ever fall for me? I will never understand what he saw in me back then, or even what he sees in me now.
He always asks me whether he still gives me butterflies and goosebumps, he does. Even when we are fighting, my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and his smile is still what calms me. When I am upset, even if I am upset with him, I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. So, yes, in some ways, it has stayed the same. At the same time, I love him more and different because we have been through so much, good and bad, over the last five years. How could I not?
Love came easy for us. We were both so broken, needed someone to believe in us so we believed in each other. We tried so hard to do so as friends, but we did not succeed at keeping our relationship at that stage.
Everyone saw how we were both changing. Even those that we hoped wouldn’t, but they were the ones who knew us best so of course they saw it. Even my mother, the one who can’t see what’s under her nose half the time, saw it in my eyes, you made me happy.
We made some amazing memories. Some, I will never share because they are ours alone. Some have already been shared. Others, will be shared as they creep into my consciousness.
There will be days that I will feel like I can’t possibly go on without you by my side. I know you’re still there as my friend, but it’s not the same. There will be days that I will forget that you aren’t mine and I will slip right back into texting you like old times. I won’t be doing it to upset you, it will just be because I have had a momentary lapse. There will come days where we won’t talk at all, that’s when we will know we are moving on.
Loving you was unexpected. I was frustrated with my life, but I wasn’t looking for love. I was at a point in my life where I needed someone to show me that I could be loved, that I deserved to be loved. You did that. I will never forget that.
Over the last year and a half, you have gently shown my kids how a father should be. Shown them that they too deserve to be loved and that they are important. They will always remember you. Even the one you think doesn’t like you.