Finally home

Well, #2 was finally released from the hospital today. Yeah!! We are all home tonight. Even though they have driven me a little crazy, it has been nice to have them home. Tonight, I am thankful to be home, have these four home with me, and have them all be healthy (well, on the mend).

The whole ordeal this week really made me feel alone. Do you know what it feels like to look through your contacts and realize how few people you really know? How few of them you know well enough to trust them with your children? How few of them you know well enough that you could ask for help? I came to that this week and it is a lonely place to be. When I was trying to find someone to pick up #1 and #3 from the bus, when I was trying to find someone to help with #4, when I was trying to find someone to take all three of them so that I did not have to leave #2 alone in the hospital, or when I Grandma had picked up #1 and #3 and her car died on the way home and someone needed to rescue them. I resorted to calling to people that I hardly ever talk to because I was running out of people to call. There were people stepping up that I never would have called on purpose, but unfortunately don’t know well enough to trust them with my kids. There were people that I expected to help that did not. There were people that should have helped, but refused. There were people that I would have helped if the tables were turned and I would not have thought twice about it and it hurts. I even had to resort to full on tears for my own mother to help. The only person from my side that even came to see him was Alex and he didn’t stay for long because KD was on his way up.

All week, KD was unavailable to do anything. He didn’t spend much time at the hospital with #2. That is until he found out that the kids were at my mom’s. Then he went ballistic. I gave him the option on Wednesday to take the kids Thursday. I told him that I needed to know by 11:00 AM, but he never gave me a response so I made other arrangements. Yes, we did think that #2 might go home yesterday, but it all hinged on him not puking. There was never a definite that he would come home yesterday, obviously since he stayed another night.

Then last night, Alex decided to send me a text that said, ” I know you don’t need this now, but I can’t do his s*** for 13 years.” I told him that he was right, I didn’t need it now. I also told him to just walk away then because together or just friends, he will still have to deal with it. That the only way to not deal with it is to shut me out completely. I don’t want that, but if it is what he needs to do to be happy then so be it. I will survive, it’s what I do. I survive.

Although they don’t even know this blog exists, I need to send a big THANK YOU to the people who did get me through this week. First, my 79 year old grandmother who took #1, #3, and #4 on Monday night, and took #1 and #3 on Tuesday and Wednesday night. Second, a woman I hardly know. I know I can trust her because she watches A1 and A2. She took #4 on Tuesday and kept her until Thursday. She had never even met #4 before and she kept her for two days straight. She is truly amazing. These two women were my angels this week. And even though I had to resort to tears to get her to reluctantly help, my mother was too. My supervisor put me on a leave of absence without a second thought. We had a couple pretty amazing nurses too.

On a plus note, I got my financial aid (read L-O-A-N-S) award letter today. As long as I can keep up on my scholarship, I might actually make it through law school.

It has been a long week sleeping in a hospital. I think it is time to turn off my computer, curl up into my bed, and pass out.

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We all need to make changes

 

 

Yep. This seems to be the story of my life. Every single time I start to feel like life is starting to go my way, life laughs at me and throws me a curve ball. I suppose you are wondering, “What is she going to complain about now?” I am aware that my blog has turned into a constant bitch session. I have tried to post when there are positive things going on as well, but when things are going well, I am wrapped up in enjoying it.

Yesterday, Alex told me that he missed me. I responded that I missed him too and asked if he wanted to do dinner last night, or something today. He said he would ask the girls. I was speechless for a few minutes, but responded with “K.” The he told me, “Best I can do.” Then I kinda lost it. I asked if he asked if they wanted to go to anyone else’s house, or just mine. I told him that I know the girls’ opinion matters to him, but sometimes I think that they have too much control. He told me that their opinions matter to him and he asks them if they want to go to everyone’s house. I told him that my kids’ opinions matter too, but sometimes, as the parent, I make the decisions. We both got off early and spent about a half hour together. As always, it was nice.

Alex and the girls did come over for dinner last night and I thought it was going pretty well. #1 didn’t argue when I told her to do the dishes. #2, #3, and A1 were playing together upstairs. A2 was sitting with Alex and I on the couch. Alex asked her what their plans for today were and if she wanted company. She pointed to me and I reminded her that I would have the kids and she said no. Then, Alex told her that was not very nice and came up with ideas of how it would work. She got excited.

#4 went upstairs, but there was a little bit of a problem because she took a marker upstairs with her and #2 started to get upset. I told #4 that she needed to stay downstairs with the marker. #1 came and sat on the couch with us, but was a little upset that A2 was snuggling with me and so #1 could not. She never wants to cuddle with me. Then A2 went and colored with #4. #3 came downstairs and sat watching the movie with us. #4 went upstairs and I heard her start crying. I went to find out what was going on. #2 had told her that she could not come in because she had a pen. I told her that she needed to stay downstairs to color. At that point, I thought all was good. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Suddenly, A1 came downstairs and asked if they could leave. At first, Alex was all over it. Then, A2 was not impressed and they stayed for the rest of the movie. A1 did tell Alex that #2 was being mean to #4.

This morning, I got a text from Alex that when they got home last night, A1 went straight to bed. Then he told me that he didn’t think today or tomorrow was a good idea. You see, he is going to M&M’s for the game and told me to call and see about us joining them. I hated the idea of inviting myself, but was willing to do it in order to spend the time with Alex. I guess Alex asked if she wanted to see me or the kids today or tomorrow and she said no. I told him that he blames all of our problems on KD, but even if he dropped off the face of the earth, we would be in the same position. Alex told me I was right, nothing would ever change. I told him that things can change, but we will ALL have to be willing to make changes. He told me to let him know when my kids were ready to change. It took all I had not to flip out at that moment. I haven’t heard much else from him today. I asked him if he wants #1 and I to come over on Monday. His response was that he wants us to, but he doesn’t know what is best and he knows I need to do laundry. I told him not to worry about my laundry. Make a choice based on him only.

I have some serious heartburn tonight. I already took 4 chewable antacids, but it hasn’t gone away. I just took 4 more.

I want him to be happy. I want to be happy. He makes me happy, but sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without me. I know that I make him happy, but I cannot change what I bring with me.

I know that my kids are not the same as his kids. I know that my kids can be difficult, but I also know that my kids can be pretty amazing. These four kids have been through a world of hurt over the last two years and continue to be thrown around like pawns in their father’s games. I know that things haven’t been easy for A1 and A2, but they know that both their parents love them. They are even lucky enough to have me love them. My kids don’t have that. At least one of them is convinced that their father hates them. Two of them think want their father’s affection so much that they don’t know how to react. These kids want someone to love them, they want to know that they are important. I can only do so much. We really don’t have any family here. I don’t have friends that take any interest in the kids. I feel like I am screwing these kids up almost every single day, but then one of them does something so amazing that I wonder where it came from. Then I realize, these kids are amazing, they just need someone to believe in them and show them that they are important. I try, but it just isn’t enough. Very rarely is what I do enough.

Hey!! My heartburn is finally gone!!! Yeah! At least something is going my way.

I am scared about this hearing. What the Guardian ad Litem says on Thursday will give us a major insight into what she is going to say in regards to the entire case. Logically, I know that someday the supervision will have to be dropped, but it scares me. I am afraid of what will happen. Oh, KD will be careful for a little while, but one day he will snap again. Logically, I know that I have shown that I have the best interests of the kids at heart and am the best place for them, but I am still scared. I don’t know who to talk to about it.

Forget about the heartburn being gone. It was just a temporary reprieve, go figure.

Not just physically

Ever have a moment when you feel completely and utterly alone? Not just physically either. That alone where you just feel empty? I feel that right now. I felt that today.

I have to admit, once we got past the rough morning, the rest of the day went well. Took #2 and #4 to karate. #1 made sure #3 finished his room. #2 had a Boy Scout flag ceremony to participate in so the rest of us took a short trip to the library, came home, had dinner, showers got done, picked up #2, everyone did some reading. All four (4) went to bed without a fight. I watched three (3) episodes of Medium on Netflix (intended to watch one) and worked on Alex’s blanket. This whole evening I thought about how nice. It would have been to share the joy of an electronic free peaceful evening spent with my kids. Texted a bit with Alex, but tried not to bother him. He played our word game a couple of times. I appreciate when he plays, makes feel less alone.

I’m tired. Not just physically either.

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Alex sent this last one to me two years ago. I think it about him.

Another try…

Well, what can I say? Some times, no matter how hard we try, life gets in the way. No matter what we want in life, no matter how good something feels, it seems like the odds will always be against you. This is how I am feeling today.

Alex and A1 came over for dinner last night. They even stayed the night. Alex was uncomfortable on the couch and in my bed, but he stayed. It meant a lot to me that they both made the effort. He woke up with a headache and, in turn, very little patience.

#1 decided to get mad at me because I asked her to do dishes after breakfast this morning. Then she had a melt down. Alex and A1 left. Then my fantabulous day really began. Everyone served time outs. #3 stayed home from karate because after three (3) hours of being in his room, he still had not cleaned out from under his bed. #1 stayed home to supervise. #1 cleaned the kitchen, helped #4 with their room, vacuumed their room, helped #2 clean behind the couch and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. #2 cleaned the downstairs bathroom, cleaned behind the couch, and cleaned the kitchen floor. #3 spent all afternoon in his room “cleaning under the bed.” #4 cleaned her room.

I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which way is up. I am running out of consequences. None seem to be effective. I just want some help. Someone to help me figure out what to do with my children.

I am afraid of what the week after next will look like. I hate that KD can randomly decide to exercise his residential time after he has not been doing it for over five months. I just wish that Pat would have listened to me back in August when I told him this would happen. Now, I have to let them go over them for a week, but not all of them. I can’t even pretend to enjoy the time they are gone because I will still have #1.

I know that I keep saying that I will be the mean mom, and I intend to. I just feel so lost. Yes, I know that I need more follow through. Yes, I know that I need more consequences that work. Yes, I know that I need to reestablish that I am boss. I just don’t know how and I feel like it is all a losing battle.

I did my best to leave Alex alone after he left today. First of all, it was just him and A1 today. Second, I need to leave the ball in his court after we have a rough episode. I need to realize that sometimes he just needs some space, but let him know that I am still here.

Alone

Alone. That’s what I feel. Once again the drama of my reality has pushed Alex away. No one understands.
I have two choices really.
1. Deal with it
2. Walk away
I can’t really walk away from my kids. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am wondering why I even have an attorney. He doesn’t listen to me. There is a reason I say the things I do. I ask for motions for a reason. I’m trying to protect my kids. Why does it have to be so hard.
I love my kids, but I wish I had never met KD. I would rather the kids have never been born than for them to have to go through this.

Hate is a Powerful Word

Hate is a word that I remember being chastised for using when I was younger. As a parent, I tell them that hate is a bad word and they can say strongly dislike instead. However, I think that I have come to a point in my life that I can honestly say that I hate KD. Yes, I know that I have said this a time or two, especially lately. This is no ordinary hate, this is gut-wrenching, blood-boiling, death-wishing hate. If he was just making me miserable, that would be one thing, but he is also hurting the seven people closest to me.

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Unleash Momma Bear. I lost it on the attorney today. Apparently KD’s mom’s “unavailability” has ended and they will begin exercising their entire week of residential time now (remember that this only applies to the three youngest). I lost it. They will keep this up just long enough to screw up daycare and then they will become “unavailable” again and I will be scrambling to make things works again. I flipped out on the attorney. I told him that this is exactly why I wanted to amend the temporary court orders to show that I had them except every other weekend. He started to say something about how legally KD can begin exercising his time. No? Really? I told him that I was married to that man for 11 years, I know how he operates, he is only doing this to be difficult. Oh, did I mention that in addition to this, KD is planning on using a different daycare during his weeks? Oh, yeah, that makes sense to do to a four year old who has only been in this one daycare. Let’s completely f*** up her world.

Of course after all of this, I called Alex because I wanted to see if there was any way that I could see him tonight. I needed a hug from him, I needed him to calm me down. The kids started arguing and I could almost hear the switch when Alex began to shut back down.

Now, not only is KD messing with our kids just so he can make my life difficult, he is also trying to mess with any chance I have at being happy. I sent Alex a couple of texts apologizing for ruining his evening and putting him in a bad mood. I also told him that he is right, KD will never leave me alone and I do not blame him for wanting to take what is most important to him and running in the opposite direction.

Just when this week was starting to look up for us. We have been texting at night and through the day. We have been honest with each other. All of the things that we have both been holding back, we have been sharing with each other. It has almost been like the old days. There was one of the nights that I told him all the things that I wanted to scream at him, if I had a safe place to yell and scream at him. Yesterday, he even asked me out on a date this weekend. He told me that he cannot promise me anything still, but he is here and he is trying. That means the world to me.

I believe that he can do anything that he puts his mind to. He is an amazing man and I appreciate that he has believed in me. I appreciate that he has stood by me as long as he has. I wish that I could protect him and the girls from KD as much as I wish I could protect my kids from KD. Unfortunately, I cannot protect any of them.

I wish that KD would just drop off the face of the earth. I wish that there was something more that I could do.

At this point, I would not blame Alex for cancelling our plans this weekend. I can say that if he does not cancel, I will be turning off my phone until it is time to call the kids on Sunday night. I am going to work tomorrow. If KD texts me this weekend, I will be ignoring it.

I just want to catch a break.

In preparation for the possible date this weekend, I took a nice moisturizing bath (powdered milk, honey, grape seed oil, coconut oil, and baking soda) and shaved. I have been feeling itchy from dry skin for like a week now and I cannot tell you the last time I shaved my legs. My skin is still a little itchy, but it is not quite as bad. I figure that I will take another one tomorrow night after the kids leave. I am also planning on cleaning my room. I am scheduled to work on Saturday morning to cover for another agent that needed the time off.

Oh, I have my car back!

Hopeless

That is how I am beginning to feel, hopeless. Hopeless that I will ever have a chance with Alex. Hopeless that I will actually find someone that will be able to and want to handle all that comes with me. There is a great deal that comes with me, I know that. Alex keeps telling me how amazing I am, but he can’t handle the “extras.” I have a feeling this will be the story of my life. Hopeless that I will ever catch a break. Hopeless that my ex-husband will ever grow a pair and worry more about the well-being of his children than making my life miserable.

We did our shift bid at work today. I got a full-time shift, Monday through Friday. I will just have to figure out what to do about the three oldest kids after school. There are a couple of options so we will see what we can do. I am just glad that the stress of the bid is over.

20140106-115057.jpgI know that eventually I will be okay. It’s going to take a while, but I will survive this.

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I guess Alex has decided that walking away is the best thing for him to do. I just can’t do it yet.20140106-115113.jpg
I guess it is a little late for this. This is actually part of our problem, remembering.

20140106-115121.jpgI sent this to Alex when we first started, I meant it.

20140106-115130.jpgBroken hearts are not usually deadly, but we definitely wish they would kill us because then the pain for us would be gone.

20140106-115138.jpgThis needs no explaining. Everyday that goes by, it should get easier. There will be days that it hurts as if it just happened, but eventually I will be able to think about the time we spent together and know that no matter the outcome, I am better for it. One day I will have the strength to take off my ring, change my text and ring tones, and change my lock and home screens. One day I will realize that I have not posted about Alex for a while and I will know that I will be okay. I just do not want that day to come. I want him to be in my life. I want him to be mine. God knows my heart will always be his.

He’s everywhere

The ring on my finger. The empty space on my other hand. The earrings in my ears. The necklace and bracelets from the girls. Photos on the wall. Art from the girls on the wall. Music on the radio. Pins on Pinterest. The blanket I’m crocheting is big to go on “our” bed with squares from our kids’ blankets. Even the silence of no texts from him.

It’s been suggested by a few of you and a few others that I should put it all away in a memory box until the pain isn’t so deep. I can’t do that. That would hurt worse. That would mean they were completely gone and I can’t handle that. It also reminds me what else I am fighting for.

I know you’re getting bombarded with these posts today, but I don’t know who else to go to. I feel guilty going to Alex because I don’t want him to think I’m trying to make him feel bad for his decision. I know he did what he felt he had to in order to protect what’s important to him. I just hope that one day I am that important to someone.

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Typing Puke

I feel more alone than ever. I don’t want to talk to Alex about it because the stress in my life was part of our problem. I was in a car with my mother for over 30 minutes and didn’t feel like I could talk to her. Who does that leave?

I guess the burden of hearing (reading) about my stress fall to you, my readers.

My car is still outside. That means it isn’t fixed. I do not know what my cousin’s timeline is, but I do not want to be a pest either. I just sent him a text to see if I could get a timeline because the kids go back to school on Monday and I have no way to get them to the bus. He texted me back that he got the parts he could with the money I already gave him. He said that he needs $300-$350 more to get the rest of the parts and then fixing the car won’t take long. I told him that I will have it for him tomorrow after work. I will make some calls tomorrow to see if I can get help with my rent. I asked Alex if I could borrow some from him until next Friday when I get paid. If not, I’ll hope for the best. I need my car, or I won’t be able to do anything. What is not long??

We are going through a shift bid at work on Monday. I have known this for about a week, but was originally told that I would be exempt from it. Things changed. I have to do the shift bid. We choose in order of tenure. When the updated list came out this morning, I was listed as number 249 out of 249 employees. There were only 240 schedules listed. I lost it. That was the crack that broke the dam. They were starting make people leave work early and so I volunteered. I knew that I had no business being on the phones. I found my supervisor and freaked out. She did not understand either. After I left, she called me and told me that it was because she preserved my schedule and I would not have to bid. Relief. Then, she called about an hour later telling me that she was wrong. I was going to have to bid and they were going to correct the ranks. She texted me a bit later and told me that I was ranked 27. That makes me feel a little better. I will look at the schedules tomorrow and see what there is.

I had no desire to come home from work today, but I did. I made #4 take a nap. I decided that I was going to take a nap, or at least try to. I told the other three that the downstairs needed to be clean before I got up. I went upstairs and #4 told me that she was scared to be upstairs alone. I told her that I would be up there too, she asked for Alex’s shirt. Goody, not good enough for her either. Either she wants Alex, or she wants KD. Today she was mad at me because I put her in timeout and she told me that she doesn’t want to live with me, she wants to live with her dad. I wish I could tell you that I got a nap. Of course not. My kids decided that they couldn’t manage without asking me 50 billion questions and whining about one thing or another. Then, Alex texted me, CE texted me, games were played, emails came in. I finally gave up. I still sat in my bed for another 30 minutes or so because I had no desire to do anything else.

I made dinner, but I didn’t want to. Three out of four kids complained about dinner. I told them to eat or starve. For the last hour and a half or so, the three older ones have been playing games in the kitchen and #4 has been watching movies. I have gone from surfing Pinterest and playing Words with Friends, to typing this post. I am hoping that by the time I get done typing, I will have gotten enough out that I can sleep tonight.

I am giving the kids about another 30 minutes and then we are all going to bed. They don’t know this yet, but it is happening.

KD offered to take #2 to karate  this weekend. Actually he offered to take them all. I hate that I have to rely on him for the kids to get there. I am sure he will use this against me. The GAL’s report is due on Monday, but she still has not met with the kids or done a home visit at KD’s. Oh goody, another delay.

I feel so far down and so alone. Nothing sounds exciting to me right now. I am scared about so many things in my life. I am afraid of being alone forever. I am afraid of having no one. I know I can still count on Alex, but how long is that going to last? He is going to find someone and move on. I am not looking forward to that day. At least for now, I still have some hope that eventually we will be together.

I am feeling exhausted. In every way, shape and form. According to #1, I have not been eating much lately. I didn’t even realize it. I made a point to eat a turkey wrap for lunch and ate a bowl of dinner.

What a year

Every where I look tonight, I see year-in-reviews, New Year’s resolutions, and other things related to the new year that begins in less than three hours (Pacific time). This post is going to be a little bit of all of the above.

It is 9:15 PM PST. All four of my kids are asleep. I am sitting in my bed, trying to get through this nasty glass of Alka Seltzer Cold, thinking. Thinking about the year that has passed. Thinking about the upcoming year.

My Year in Review

KD gave #1 a bloody nose in February. CPS stepped in an stopped contact between the two of them while requiring KD’s mom to supervise his contact with the other three kids. The police investigated and could prove nothing.

I finally had enough documentation to file a child custody modification in March. The commissioner granted me adequate cause and placed the CPS safety plan on record as the temporary court order. Beginning in May, KD began to get visitation with #1 every other weekend. In June, CPS closed their case because the safety of the children was in the hands of the family court. However, before they closed their case, they stated that if KD’s mom is unavailable, the burden of caring for the children falls on me. Beginning at the end of July, KD’s mom began to be “unavailable” to supervise KD’s time Monday through Friday. This gave me full physical custody of the children. However, legally he can still have them anytime during his designated residential time. As you can imagine, this gives KD a ridiculous amount of control and he knows it.

#2 participated in an outpatient treatment program for his behavior and finally got a diagnosis of borderline Autism spectrum, ADHD, and intermittent explosive disorder. This came after a fight with KD, an investigation by the newly appointed GAL, and a court hearing.

All of the above has taken its toll on Alex and I. We have broken up multiple times. Most recently, we broke up this weekend. The control that KD has is a large part of it. The kids are another part of it. We are trying to work on that fine line between being lovers and then being friends. We are struggling with this. What is too much in a friendship?

In late spring, I decided that I wanted to go to law school so I signed up to take the LSAT in October. I took the test and applied to my only choice of school, Gonzaga University School of Law. A couple of weeks ago, I received my letter of acceptance and letter offering me a $20,000 a scholarship. I start in the fall.

My 79-year-old grandmother decided that we (me, my mother, my aunt) were too much stress and not there for her enough and ran away from home in August. She returned home in October.

The Year Ahead

Our custody modification trial is set for March. I am asking for full custody and sole decision-making. The report from the Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is due next week. This will have a high level of effect on the outcome of this modification.

I am requesting that the children be allowed to go to public school next year. I am hoping to move to a cheaper, nicer apartment in another part of town. I will be starting law school in September at Gonzaga University.

I am going to do my best to be a friend to Alex. It may be painful and confusing at times, but I will do it because I love him and I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. Maybe things will eventually work between us, maybe not.

He stopped by to drop off some cold medicine for me tonight. I again invited him to come over tonight. He was on his way to M&M’s house. He briefly touched my hand and the tingles came accompanied by goosebumps. There I went, crossing the invisible line again. I just don’t know where it is and how I am going to deal with it.

year in reviewAs I sat here and created this image, I was also texting with Alex. He told me I should have yes, whether he was drunk or not. Looks like I am alone because I didn’t listen to my heart. I love him. I miss him. I hope that its not too late for us.

Happy New Year. Hopefully this one will be better.