Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

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Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Emotional Range

I miss my babies. So many times in a week, I think about something that I want to tell them or show them, but then I remember that I can’t because of how long it will be before I see them again. Talking to them on the phone makes it worse because I know they are not actually talking to me. It also makes it more real that I am missing large chunks of their lives.

I spent Sunday and tonight with Alex, A1, and A2. It was nice, but sometimes it makes me miss my kids even more. I have a feeling that sometimes it makes them miss their mom more when I am here because it reminds them that she is not here. I love how excited they are to see me, I wish my own kids were that excited to see me.

This weekend was so full of emotions that I do not even know if I can list them all. I was happy, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, confused, lost, hurt, angry, and I am sure there are other emotions that I just cannot name. The kids had counseling on Saturday and KD did not show up, it was nice to not have to deal with him there. After counseling we went to Alex’s mom’s house. All the kids had a blast. They all played until it got dark outside and then they roasted marshmallows with his mom. #1 was even cuddling with Alex. I took pictures. Then we all went home. I was tired, but I was happy. Then, Alex was being text quiet so I asked him what was wrong…

Alex told me he was thinking about the kids, all of them, and I asked what about. He told me he was afraid of them getting hurt or of us just staying together so that the kids do not get hurt. I informed him that I have done that once and will not do that again. I learned my lesson with KD. My kids will be hurt more by me staying in an unhappy relationship than they will be by the break up. I told him to tell me if he EVER starts to feel that way. He told me that he already does somedays. How do I respond to that? I do not remember how I responded that night. I do know that I sent him couple texts before I texted, “night.”

I did not sleep much that night. When I did finally fall asleep, I did not sleep well. Every time I woke up, I looked at my phone hoping that I would get something from Alex. When I got up in the morning, I was tired, hurt, frustrated, in love, and overwhelmed. I had the kids to get ready for church and I think I did okay without even really yelling at anyone that morning. It was a hard day anyways because it was KD’s 30th birthday. Did I mention that at that time I could not tell you when the last time I had taken my venlafaxine was? I am pretty sure that it was a week since the last time I took it. That could have had something to do with my range of emotions.

I sent Alex a text when I woke up that told him:

As for last night’s conversation, if you feel like you’re only still with me wout of fear, maybe it is time for us to be just friends. I will always be your friend, I have always told you that, and I mean it. I’m not saying it will be easy to be only your friend, but I want you to be happy. I also want to know that you are with me because you love me and want to be with me, not because you are afraid of our children getting hurt.

Then I sent him this picture:While I was getting ready for church, I got an email from Alex telling me good morning and that his phone was not working. I copy and pasted my text and the picture into his email. His response:

It is not that. I have a lot going through my mind. I’m worried about all the kids getting too attached, I’m worried about us going too quickly, I’m worried about backing off just to realize that I f’d up.

I love Alex and his children. I want what is best for them, even if it is not me.

Right now, I am laying on Alex’s couch knowing that I need to go to sleep because A1 will be waking me up at 5:30 tomorrow morning.

I love being here with them. I love knowing he is right down the hall. I love the random texts from Alex. I love the random emails I get from him at work. I love his touch. I love that he talks to me. I love his kisses. I love his smile. I love his playfulness. I love that one year ago next week, I would never have guessed that this is where I would be today, but I am glad I am.

I’m still here

I started a new job about a month and a half ago. I work 40 hours a week plus our business and school. All my husband can do is complain that I am not home enough. Seriously?

I really thought we were done the other night. He left. I missed school. Told my instructor I was having a family emergency. I am not sure what his problem is, but if he really wants to, I can do it alone. I just don’t want to. He would use my job and school against me though. Saying that I am not home enough. I am trying to make a better life for our kids.

I love my new job. Hours aren’t great, but it gets me home in time to get the kids from school. I can’t wait until I can get a Monday through Friday schedule though.

I am just feeling very overwhelmed lately. I will get by this. Oh, we are in the process of figuring out if we can get a modification on the house.

Please pray for my family that we can all get through this rough patch.

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