Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

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Church

For those of us that believe in God and Jesus, our church home is supposed to be a place of peace. I began going to this church when #3 was born and I was living with KD’s parents because they were the foster parents and this was their church. That was July of 2004. In April 2005, I was baptized and officially joined the church. I felt comfortable here. I felt accepted. We have been semi-regular attenders since.

When KD and I split it was hard to come, but I made sure I came most Sundays that I had the children. I started to feel uncomfortable because they all knew us as a family. KD’s parents, his mom especially, is very involved. KD always discouraged me from being more involved because of the time. Of course, I listened to him.

Today, our church commissioned our new deacons and elders. One of them was KD’s mom. I do not know how to feel about it. I do know that it decreased my comfort level ten fold.

I already felt uncomfortable about going to our church for help and comfort since the divorce. Now, it’s worse. What do I do?

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Christmas 2012

I know that Christmas isn’t about the gifts, it’s about The birth of Jesus and the family time. This year is hard for me. When I was growing up, it didn’t seem to matter what finances were like, we could always look forward to Christmas presents. We could also look forward to the big family Christmas Eve. When I got married, we always did Christmas with KD’s family, but it was a big Christmas. I couldn’t afford Christmas this year. I did pick up a couple of things (probably shouldn’t have) and got a few things from Toys for Tots for the kids. We opened presents last night with my mom, brothers, and Grandma. Mom and brothers stayed the night. This morning, the look on my kids’ faces when they got their stuff out of their stockings broke my heart. They each got a beanie baby (Toys for Tots) and a bottle of Sesame Street hand soap (Grandma).

As soon as everyone left today, we took down the decorations and the tree. Christmas is over. The new year is coming and I hope 2013 is better.

I don’t know

***while typing this, I received a text from KD that he would like to see the kids. #1 decided she needed a shower before she went. As she was getting out, she slipped and fell. Landed on her arm and ended up with a buckle fracture. ***

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God, Its Me Again…

Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.

“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.

“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.

“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.

“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.

Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.

I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.

Bedtime Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings I have. I know I do not thank you enough. Usually, I am too busy complaining. However, it is in these stressful times I need to remember the blessings I do have. My children are healthy. My husband loves me. I am blessed with a great family (by birth and by marriage). I am healthy.

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I am trying my hardest to make it through this difficult time and I know you are here with me. I am sorry that I forget sometimes.

We are your faithful servants and know your will be done. Just please help us and keep us safe through the difficult times ahead.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen

I should be…

I should be sleeping. I caught rhe virus #4 has, but so did Hubby. That means, it doesn’t matter how I feel.

I should be doing laundry, but I don’t want to.

I should be doing homework, but I’m not.

I should have some fun family activity planned for tomorrow, but I don’t know how everyone will be feeling.

I should have Easter gifts for Sunday, but I don’t think they should get gifts because Easter is not about them. Easter is about Jesus raising from the dead, just like he promised.

I should have a genius idea for Easter brunch, but I ordered the ham.

The “I shoulds” will kill us if we let them. Sometimes, we need to forget about what we think we “should” be doing and enjoy life. When was the last time you saw a headstone that said “He never had and ‘shoulds’ because he always did.” They usually say “Loving___________” Fill in the blank with a relationship. We tend to forget about the things that really matter. Our relationships.

Tonight, we watched the ACM Girl’s Night Out special. It was nice to hear some of those songs. More importantly, it created conversation with my husband. I love that man. I may not always like him, but I know he will always be there for me. No matter what.

This afternoon, #1 leaned on my shoulder just because she loves me. I know it won’t be long before she is grown up and out of the house. I need to enjoy her more. I need to enjoy them all more.

Sometimes I am so worried about the things I think are important that I forget the things (and people) that ARE important.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins. He rose from the dead because He loved us before we even existed. If only we could take the time to show our own family and friends that same type of sacrificial love.

Happy Easter!!

Can’t I just be someone else?

"The Last Supper" - museum copy of M...

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As I type, I have the Ten Commandments in shortened form taped up around my house (#2 had a test on them today). Number ten is “You shall not covet.” Another thing to be guilty about….

I love my husband and children. I get reminded fairly often that I could have it worse. I am just tired of getting settled into things going well and then having something blow up. I woke up tired. I couldn’t even take a ten minute shower without hearing “mom” about 20 times (yes, that may be a little exaggerated, but not by many). #4 had a physical therapy appoint ment and a doctor appointment. She finished her antibiotics about 3 days ago and now she has croup (with 3 days of an oral steroid).

Things started going well. I exchanged my jeans for a smaller size (from an 18 in January to a 16, but almost small enough for a 14!!) Enjoyed a walk around the mall with #4 and a visit with an old friend. Then, the bank called. They want more proof of my self-employment income for the truck loan. I gave them all I have. We have had the truck for almost a week and now we might not even get to keep it. How embarassing would that be?

The older three kids had choir and went the Maundy Thursday service with my MIL.

Then, my instructor called. I was supposed to call and talk to a professional for a presentation I have to do. The guy was on vacation when I called so I left a message. Luckily I told him who’s class it was for because I did not leave my phone number. Wow, that was embarassing.

On a more positve note, our business seems to be picking up. We have gotten a few more calls and have a bigger job to do next week. I would have scheduled it for this week, but between #4’s appointments today and the older three getting out of school at 11:30 for Good Friday

This week has not been my favorite. On Tuesday, Husband decided that I needed to take the van to school instead of the truck. All well and good, but a) I was already late and b) the van was between his work truck and our new truck in a difficult position to back out of. He got pissed because I asked him to back it out for me. Seriously?? I had dinner made, the kids fed, kids’ homework done, and dishes (his chore) done for him when he got home (from a 3 hour shift, yes he only works 15 hours a week). He knew I was mad. By the time I got home, he had done 3 loads of laundry (my chore).

I know this had a little bit of everything in it tonight. I am sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I just need to type what is on my mind.