Crabby Mommy

crabby mommyBack to being alone today. Didn’t sleep again last night. I hurt like hell. Took the kids to the library today because we had some stuff that was due back and I wanted to make sure there was no short supply of movies in this house over the next few days. Grandma wanted to do lunch and the kids’ birthday presents so we met her for lunch at McDonald’s…with a play-place…oh goodie. Then back to her house to do the birthdays (from this summer). However, after a half hour of me sitting with pain and exhaustion showing on my face while her and the older two kids looked for the presents, she decided that she gave up for today. The kids and I came home. #4 laid down for a nap, #1 and #2 walked to the store together, and #3 finished his movie from earlier. All this was while I laid on the couch dozing in and out because I hurt, had taken my medicine, was exhausted, and had heat on my belly and my back.mommy

Alex said yesterday that maybe him and the girls would come up today so that they could check on me. I told him today not to worry about it if the girls didn’t want to and/or he wasn’t up to it. I know that his patience was being pushed yesterday and he did an amazing job handling it and not letting it show. CE sent me a text yesterday that he might come check on me today, but that didn’t happen either. Grandma told me last night that she could take a couple of the kids, but then it started snowing and I would have had to go back and get them from her. I haven’t really heard from anyone else. My mother hasn’t even asked how I am feeling today. Grandma kept talking like she wants the kids and I to come back over tomorrow or Sunday. #1 wants to go to the store to see if she can find boots. Seriously???  Does anyone really care that I just had surgery three days ago?

I see all these emails when there is someone who is going through surgery (kids’ school and our church) about prayers and how we can help the family. No one even asked how they could help me. No one outside of Alex has really seemed to care. Well, GM did seem a little worried that I was over-doing it yesterday. What does that say about my life?? My boyfriend’s ex-wife cares more than any of my “friends.” I guess that says something about what kind of person I am if even she is nice  to me.

mommy knows bestI just wish that KD was not so…..uniquely special…. so that he could have his children when he is supposed to. Especially when something like this happens.

We shall see what the rest of the weekend brings. I made the kids put away their laundry today. #3 vacuumed and emptied all the garbage, #2 did dishes, #1 has been working on a science project. That is okay because she will be making dinner tomorrow. Possibly even lunch.

Well, time for Mommy-time before Mommy loses it. I sent these brats to bed 45 minutes ago and the boys are still in there talking. I don’t think I would care, but I can hear them and it is driving me batty!mommy first time

Late night Ramblings

Well, my period started. The nausea comes and goes. It’s 230 in the morning and I’m going for tampons because I don’t have any.

Left Alex’s by 5:00 this morning. At work by 6:00. Took a nap at 7:00. Back to work from 8-2. Ran errands until 445. Nap from 5-745. Work from 8-130. Showered and tried to go to bed, but my cramps were killing me. Now that I’ve gone to the store, I am wide awake.

I won’t lie. Even as unlikely and impractical as it would be, I was a little bummed when my period started. I know that is not anywhere near what we need, especially not right now, but it was fun to think about.

Alex is going on a ride tomorrow for some time to himself. I considered going to work for a few, but I guess now it depends on when I finally get to sleep. I have to make a pasta salad for a birthday party tomorrow night. Alex’s best friend is turning 50. Excited that his friends include me so much.

BFF texted me yesterday. Might make an effort to try to see her tomorrow. I don’t know though. I love her, but I am tired of her bs. Sometimes she is worse than a jealous boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, she has been a great friend, but sometimes….

I keep thinking about the comments that #1 made last weekend. I think the kids really like Alex. #1 called him cool. She also made two different references to me marrying him. I asked that she please let me finish divorcing her dad before she has me marrying anyone else. This is the kid who normally plays shy, even with people she has known, including my mother. I think she likes Alex. I think all the kids see the difference in me, I know other people have noticed and pointed it out.

Well, it’s almost 330 in the morning and I should probably consider sleep. Maybe this time when I crawl in bed, Alex will roll over enough that I can get in the bed. 🙂

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One Right After the Other

Heart

Image by Plucker via Flickr

Couldn’t fall asleep until 11 last night. Then, #4 woke up at 12 having puked all over the crib. Gave her a bath and cleaned up the bed. Got her back to bed and about ten minutes later, she was up to puke again. Luckily I got her to the toilet this time. By the time I got back to sleep, it was about 2. I decided that there was no way I could function on only 2.5 hours of sleep. So I called in sick kid. I got up took the kids to school and then went back to bed. We slept until about 1130. It was nice.

Just before the older kids went to bed tonight, #3 felt warm… 99.7. I decided to check #1 & #2 just because. #1 was at 99 even, and #2 wasn’t running a  fever at all. I think it will be a long weekend.

I feel guilty that by the time I go to work I will have had five days off in a row. I am hoping that my schedule is officially changed because I don’t plan on going in tomorrow. I have Monday requested off because my husband has a physical capacity examination (PCE) and #3 has a follow-up with the cardiologist.

I feel like I am just going in circles with these kids. I have to get #2 back into the orthodontist because the insurance wants new pictures before we appeal their denial for his braces. The cardiologist is making me feel paranoid about the heart stuff. They are telling me that his fast heart rate is normal. When the did his echo, his heart was beating at about 95-100 bpm, laying still on a bed. I recorded it as high as 145 during the last Harry Potter movie. It freaks me out. #1 is having ankle problems. She refused to do PE or volleyball until she got the ankle braces. I went through the hoops to get the braces and she won’t wear them for volleyball because she can’t move very well.

#1 is starting to struggle with school. I don’t know if it is because of the changes with me working, the low number of assignments, or something else. I think that part of it is the fact that she is used to having it easy at school and she is finally being challenged. I think it will be good for her.

What would you like to hear more about from me??

A New Course

So many things have happened since my last post, yet nothing has really changed. I am now working full time while going to school full time. I enjoy my job, but I miss being home with my children. My husband is off of work because of an injury to his back. This means that I am doing all that I was doing when I was home in addition to my job and my school. We still do not know anything about our house. However, it has been assigned to a mortgage counselor and we may be able to get a modification.

I try to keep these posts not too deep, but I think that I may try to write more and I hope that you all understand the change of course this blog may take. One of my new classes requires me to read a list of six books. I chose the list of psychology themed books because it sounded interesting. One of the titles is Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning. The cover has the following quote from the San Francisco Chronicle, “This remarkable memoir describes a yearlong descent into, and eventually out of, the unbearable hell of depression — and does so with eloquence, grace, and humor.” I am about half-way through this book and I am again wondering if I may be in the midst of a depression myself.

So many days, I feel like I am on the brink of tears over pretty much anything and everything. I feel as though I am a failure at everything I do. I feel as though everything goes wrong. I feel as though I could never get enough sleep to make me feel refreshed.

I know that the last time I felt like this, the kids and I began going to church on a regular basis. So, I am going to try that again. I went to my doctor today and wanted to say something to her. However, when I got to her office, I learned that her new medical assistant is from our church. I did not feel comfortable talking to the doctor about this issue. In fact, I am not sure that I want to continue going to this doctor at all. The lady from church is very sweet, but I am not sure that I feel comfortable with her knowing that much.

Fear

Fear. That is the word of the day. Today, #1 & #2 were fighting over Powerade flavors. I told them I would deal with it, but I needed to get in the shower or we were never getting out of the house. As I was getting my bra on, I had #3 screaming that #2 was in the street. We live on a busy street, do this is a big deal. I wrapped a towel around me and stood at the front door screaming at him to come in. “Everyone hates me!” screamed #2.
We had a major blow out in the house and he told me that no one wants to play with him at school. Maybe this is the real problem. I don’t know. I talked to the school about his recess problems, maybe we can figure something out.
I am afraid to take him in because I don’t want him to be labeled. I am afraid that it will some how be my fault and CPS will intervene again. I can’t go through that again. I am afraid that he will have one of his episodes and CPS will take them all. #1 told me she is afraid of his reaction when she tells him no to something. I know it is time to do something, but what?
My mind keeps going back to my abnormal psychology class and our discussion on bipolar children. Is my son bipolar? If he isn’t, do I really want to subject him to all that? If he isn’t, what am I doing wrong with him? I just don’t know what to do anymore.

What would you do?

Can’t I just be someone else?

"The Last Supper" - museum copy of M...

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As I type, I have the Ten Commandments in shortened form taped up around my house (#2 had a test on them today). Number ten is “You shall not covet.” Another thing to be guilty about….

I love my husband and children. I get reminded fairly often that I could have it worse. I am just tired of getting settled into things going well and then having something blow up. I woke up tired. I couldn’t even take a ten minute shower without hearing “mom” about 20 times (yes, that may be a little exaggerated, but not by many). #4 had a physical therapy appoint ment and a doctor appointment. She finished her antibiotics about 3 days ago and now she has croup (with 3 days of an oral steroid).

Things started going well. I exchanged my jeans for a smaller size (from an 18 in January to a 16, but almost small enough for a 14!!) Enjoyed a walk around the mall with #4 and a visit with an old friend. Then, the bank called. They want more proof of my self-employment income for the truck loan. I gave them all I have. We have had the truck for almost a week and now we might not even get to keep it. How embarassing would that be?

The older three kids had choir and went the Maundy Thursday service with my MIL.

Then, my instructor called. I was supposed to call and talk to a professional for a presentation I have to do. The guy was on vacation when I called so I left a message. Luckily I told him who’s class it was for because I did not leave my phone number. Wow, that was embarassing.

On a more positve note, our business seems to be picking up. We have gotten a few more calls and have a bigger job to do next week. I would have scheduled it for this week, but between #4’s appointments today and the older three getting out of school at 11:30 for Good Friday

This week has not been my favorite. On Tuesday, Husband decided that I needed to take the van to school instead of the truck. All well and good, but a) I was already late and b) the van was between his work truck and our new truck in a difficult position to back out of. He got pissed because I asked him to back it out for me. Seriously?? I had dinner made, the kids fed, kids’ homework done, and dishes (his chore) done for him when he got home (from a 3 hour shift, yes he only works 15 hours a week). He knew I was mad. By the time I got home, he had done 3 loads of laundry (my chore).

I know this had a little bit of everything in it tonight. I am sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I just need to type what is on my mind.

TGIF…I think

Today is Friday. To most moms, that means a possibility that they will get at least one day to sleep in. Not at my house. If I don’t make #2 sleep in my room, he will wake up with the sun and wake up #1 & #3. In turn, I get woken up because the waking of #1 & #3 usually consists of someone screaming. To me, Friday also means two days of trying to keep my kids busy, without spending money.

Who cares if it is Friday? I couldn’t tell you the last time my husband and I had a real date. You see, he doesn’t trust anyone to be in our house to babysit and that leaves MIL & FIL. They hardly ever take them all at once. Even for major things like our birthdays and anniversay. This is because they never had a babysitter, we shouldn’t need one. Seriously?!? My marriage isn’t perfect and sometimes I jsut need to work on it! I guess it doesn’t really matter, I wouldn’t have the money to go out even if she did take them. I don’t know how, but when I finish losing this weight, I will be going out. Dressing up, dinner, drinks, my husband, and some friends (not that we really have any, but that is a whole different post…)!

I should be doing homework. Instead, I am waiting for my husband to get out of bed so that we can go to a couple of garage sales before we have to re-enroll our children for school next year. Oh, and I need to write our paychecks and do the personal checkbook. Should also do the laundry that is piling up because my energy and motivation seem to have taken a vacation without me. I really wish they would quit that!!

Knowledge can be scary

I am trying a new color of text tonight. Let me know if you like it. ☺

#2 is a terror. He has always had a problem keeping his hands to himself and it just seems to be getting worse. This isn’t his only problem, just his worse. I have tried everything I can think of. Last night in my Abnormal Psychology class, we were discussing head injuries. You see, when #2 was 16 months old, he was in an accident and he got a minor skull fracture. There is no visible damage, but I wonder what personality effects it has had on him. Would he have been a difficult child anyways, or was it the head injury? Was it something I did or did not do?

When we began discussing the effects of head injuries, my mind automatically went to my son. Our instructor told us that research has shown people to have personality differences after a head injury, even when there is not any damage on brain scans. I just have to wonder, what would #2 be like if he hadn’t had the head injury?

Sometimes, knowledge is dangerous.