Fighting or Pretending??

Friendship

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Which is worse fighting or acting like nothing is wrong? I hate it when he acts like nothing has happened. Then, I feel guilty for knowing that something is wrong. That is mostly how today has been. We did fight some, but I could not tell what it was about because we have fought so much over the last few days about so many different things. I am at the point that I just do not want to fight anymore. Alex told me today that I need to talk to Hubby because otherwise it will fester. I know that, but I am just tired of fighting.

Just last night, Alex texted me. When Hubby asked who it was, I told him it was one of the guys from my group at school. He freaked out on me because I gave out my cell phone number. Really? What he does not realize is that for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have someone I can talk to.

Alex suggested that I talk to a counselor. In fact, he even suggested one. I have considered it, except that I do not have time to talk to a counselor. I already get yelled at when I have class or work. I should talk to my doctor about the fact that I think I am depressed, but the last time I went to the doctor, her new nurse was a lady from church. That is the last thing I need.

A point was brought up to me today…if God is up there, why does he let us all suffer so long? I know all the usual arguments about sin, free will, and choice…but I just do not understand. He is supposed to be such a loving God. I know I would never allow my children to suffer if I could end it. Why does God let His children suffer?

Part of the reason that I put up with all of this is because I do not want my children to have to put up with us being divorced. On the other hand, I know it is not fair to make my children put up with the fighting and the tension. I am lost as to what to do. I wish that someone would just tell me what to do.

A New Course

So many things have happened since my last post, yet nothing has really changed. I am now working full time while going to school full time. I enjoy my job, but I miss being home with my children. My husband is off of work because of an injury to his back. This means that I am doing all that I was doing when I was home in addition to my job and my school. We still do not know anything about our house. However, it has been assigned to a mortgage counselor and we may be able to get a modification.

I try to keep these posts not too deep, but I think that I may try to write more and I hope that you all understand the change of course this blog may take. One of my new classes requires me to read a list of six books. I chose the list of psychology themed books because it sounded interesting. One of the titles is Undercurrents: A Life Beneath the Surface by Martha Manning. The cover has the following quote from the San Francisco Chronicle, “This remarkable memoir describes a yearlong descent into, and eventually out of, the unbearable hell of depression — and does so with eloquence, grace, and humor.” I am about half-way through this book and I am again wondering if I may be in the midst of a depression myself.

So many days, I feel like I am on the brink of tears over pretty much anything and everything. I feel as though I am a failure at everything I do. I feel as though everything goes wrong. I feel as though I could never get enough sleep to make me feel refreshed.

I know that the last time I felt like this, the kids and I began going to church on a regular basis. So, I am going to try that again. I went to my doctor today and wanted to say something to her. However, when I got to her office, I learned that her new medical assistant is from our church. I did not feel comfortable talking to the doctor about this issue. In fact, I am not sure that I want to continue going to this doctor at all. The lady from church is very sweet, but I am not sure that I feel comfortable with her knowing that much.

God, Its Me Again…

Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.

“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.

“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.

“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.

“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.

Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.

I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.

Bedtime Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings I have. I know I do not thank you enough. Usually, I am too busy complaining. However, it is in these stressful times I need to remember the blessings I do have. My children are healthy. My husband loves me. I am blessed with a great family (by birth and by marriage). I am healthy.

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I am trying my hardest to make it through this difficult time and I know you are here with me. I am sorry that I forget sometimes.

We are your faithful servants and know your will be done. Just please help us and keep us safe through the difficult times ahead.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen

You can pick your nose…

Sometimes, we are born with great families.

Sometimes, we are raised by great families.

Sometimes, we marry into great families.

Sometimes, we are blessed to have great friends that become our family.

When we were in school, we convinced everyone we were sisters. We have definitely had our rough spots. But we always know the other one is there somewhere. I thank God for all he has given me in you.

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The sky is falling…

As if things couldn’t get any worse, we got a notice of default taped to our house today. Unfortunately, it was my inlaws that drove by and told me there was papers taped to the house. “Looks like you’re getting evicted.” Little did she know, that is exactly what it was. I have 30 days to come up with almost $8,000. I can come up with $4500 for sure. Hopefully that will appease them for now.

I feel comfortable sharing this with you because there is only one person that knows my true identity and she promised not to say anything or criticize me for what she reads. God bless her for that silence.

I know all the criticisms that could come from this post. Trust me, I have already said them to myself.

My prayer for tonight:
Dear God,
Please watch over my family and me during this rough time. Help us to come up with a plan to keep our home. I do not want to lose my home.
Please, Lord, help our business take off so that we can make it.
Please grant my son the peace he needs to get through life and us the peace and guidance to give him what he needs. Amen

I should be…

I should be sleeping. I caught rhe virus #4 has, but so did Hubby. That means, it doesn’t matter how I feel.

I should be doing laundry, but I don’t want to.

I should be doing homework, but I’m not.

I should have some fun family activity planned for tomorrow, but I don’t know how everyone will be feeling.

I should have Easter gifts for Sunday, but I don’t think they should get gifts because Easter is not about them. Easter is about Jesus raising from the dead, just like he promised.

I should have a genius idea for Easter brunch, but I ordered the ham.

The “I shoulds” will kill us if we let them. Sometimes, we need to forget about what we think we “should” be doing and enjoy life. When was the last time you saw a headstone that said “He never had and ‘shoulds’ because he always did.” They usually say “Loving___________” Fill in the blank with a relationship. We tend to forget about the things that really matter. Our relationships.

Tonight, we watched the ACM Girl’s Night Out special. It was nice to hear some of those songs. More importantly, it created conversation with my husband. I love that man. I may not always like him, but I know he will always be there for me. No matter what.

This afternoon, #1 leaned on my shoulder just because she loves me. I know it won’t be long before she is grown up and out of the house. I need to enjoy her more. I need to enjoy them all more.

Sometimes I am so worried about the things I think are important that I forget the things (and people) that ARE important.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins. He rose from the dead because He loved us before we even existed. If only we could take the time to show our own family and friends that same type of sacrificial love.

Happy Easter!!