Falling

Falling

I feel like my life is falling apart. Alex wants nothing to do with me. I am laying right next to him and feel a million miles away from him. I need him, but he’s mad at me.

I am worried about my grandmother. She finally agreed that she needed to be in a retirement home (again). We moved her last week. The staff told me yesterday that she gave notice Tuesday that she will be vacating. Right after they told me, I saw her and gave her every opportunity to tell me and she didn’t. She told #2.tonight and told him not to tell me. He came right home and told me because he’s worried about her. I guess she’s already called movers and told #2 she doesn’t know if she will still be there next week. I talked to my mom. Mom is going to call my grandma’s bank tomorrow and talk to them because they have power of attorney if necessary. I made a report to adult protective service online tonight and will follow up with them in the morning. I will also call her doctor in the morning. I am scared. I am worried about her. She irritates me beyond all belief, but she is still my grandma and I love her.

Alex and I have been fighting about the kids again. We haven’t really talked in the last few days. He goes to bed curled up with his elbows out or his back to me so I can’t even attempt to cuddle him. I need him right now. I feel so alone.

I need a friend. One that isn’t GM. She is great, but I feel pathetic that my only friend is my husband’s ex wife.

Grades come out tomorrow and I’m scared. I’m always scared, but this semester was hard.

I can’t sleep, my brain won’t shut off. I took my medicine 2.5 hours ago and it’s not working.

KD has three new charges and a $25,000 warrant out for his arrest.

#1 is a pain in the rear teen girl, but still helps more than Alex realizes. #2 has a heart of gold, but has been really frustrated this week. #3 is still grounded from his detentions and in school suspension before winter break. A1 is a pain in the rear preteen. A2 is whiny. #4 is energetic and can be annoying.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do about any of it.

Not getting better

I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know Image result for don't let gowhat to say. I feel like my life is falling apart around me and all I can do is watch. I feel like I am losing everything. My husband is mad at me, at least 4/6 children are mad at me for one reason or another (siding with Alex, being too hard on them, evil stepmother, you know the usual), I can’t focus on school. I know it could be worse, but right now I don’t feel like it.

I can’tImage result for miss you eat. I feel like curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I tried to find a counselor, but the place I called could not seem to get my insurances to work together so that was out the window. Stupidly, I suggested that we find a counselor together, but Alex made it pretty clear that was a horrible idea.

I can’t even find music to match my mood, Image result for don't let goPandora keeps playing love songs. Yeah, that’s what I want to hear right now. Songs that remind me how bad things are right now between us. He keeps telling me he’s tired. Makes me worry how long he will hold on to us. He says I pulled him out of a dark place when we met, but what happens if it is us that puts him back?

I just feel lost and alone. So alone.

 

Concentration

20131107-215127.jpg Have you ever had one ofthose days that drags on an becomes one of those weeks? I am in one of those weeks. I am trying so hard to make the most of everyday, but it is not 20131201-212818.jpgsuccessful at all this week. I try to concentrate on one thing and life steps in. I try to think positive and life steps in. Like right now. I should be working on starting my outlines for school, but I cannot concentrate on them. #2 is in one of his moods, Alex is in one of his moods, and KD actually texted me to spend time with the kids. How do I concentrate with all of that going on?

Alex is not sleeping so every thing is bothering him more than normal. #1 and A1 got into a pissing match last night. It was the typical teenage girl drama, like always with the two of them. #1 went into a rant about how Alex hates her and I am trying to replace her and her siblings with A1 & A2. She was telling me that she feels like Alex is always 20130827-235803.jpgtaking the side of A1. I tried to tell Alex how she feels and that turned into a fight with us. This is how the whole week has been with him. I love him so much, but I feel a million miles away from him. I don’t know how to talk to him when he gets like this. When he gets like this, nothing is enough.

#2 is in a mood because I told him he had to get out of the kitchen while #1 and A1 were making ice cream (see, typical teenage girls, mad one minute, fine the next). Then because of his attitude, Alex said that #2 could just stay in his room for the day. A little bit later, #2 came out and seemed to have calmed down so I was going to let him stay out of his room for a bit. Then, he started pacing and I told him he had to go in his room. It just so happened that Alex was coming in from the garage at that moment and thought that was why I was sending #2 to his room. So, now #2 is in his room and has gotten his attitude back so I told him that he could stay in there. He is throwing one of his fits because of it.

Just before noon, I got a text from KD asking if there was any way we could arrange an overnight without involving the courts. I told him not until he has completed his requirements. Until then, he gets his every other Sunday from 8-5, but I am sure that we could work something out if there are other times that he wants to see them. Then I told him this is not his Sunday, but if he could arrange transportation, he could have them tomorrow. Supposedly, he will be here in the morning to get them. I asked that if he is going to do this, he be consistent about it. Who knows what will happen. I did tell the kids because he will be here between 7:30 and 7:45 in the morning. So, hopefully, it actually happens.20130404-224427.jpg

At the moment, I want to curl up in a ball and cry until everything is all better. I want Alex to take me in his arms and hold me until I calm down. I want to not feel like I am ruining the lives of my family. I feel like I am failing all seven of them.

mommy first timeIt doesn’t matter how hard I try with the kids, none of them do what they
know they are supposed to. They all just do whatever they want. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am scared. I do not know what to do with #1. She doesn’t care what any one says or does the world revolves around her. Oh wait, all of them are like that. I can’t take it anymore. I am out of ideas, I am out of options. Little does she know, it would have been easier to try to replace them, just give up, but I cannot do that, I love them and want the best for them.

Now, I have a headache. I can barely see the ocmputer scheen to type. Forget trying to do homework.

I lve Alex and out kids. I wnt notheing more that for us to be a happy famioy. I still worry that me and mine have ruined his and the girls’ lives sometimes. When he gets like this, I worry that he will decide that
it will all become too much for him.

#2 realized his temper was gettign out of control because he asked for something to help him calm down. It seems to have helped. He is in there cleaning his room and putting his laundry away.

Migraine Monday

Woke up yesterday with a migraine. Got it to go away, but it came back this morning when I woke up. It didn’t help any that Alex and the kids were all in moods. #1 go up before everyone, but just sat on the couch because she didn’t want to wake anyone up. Then when I got up I asked he to make the sandwiches for their lunches. She did that and headed for the shower. I asked that she wake up #4 and have her get dressed when she got out of the shower. She said ok and Alex thought she had an attitude.

Then #4 didn’t want to wear the outfit that was set out for her so she was bothering her sister. #1 didn’t get her stuff finished because she was spending the time dealing with her sister. Then she forgot to clean up her side of the room and didn’t flush her tampon and bloody toilet paper down the toilet. She had an attitude because I wouldn’t let her wear her high heels to school because she is going to her father’s and I have no desire to fight with him over her freaking shoes.

Then there was the boys who left a blanket on the floor downstairs, left the lid off the outside toys yesterday, and didn’t finish rinsing out the sink after breakfast. So, after having him in a mood all weekend because the kids started to get moody as the weekend went by, he was still in one this morning.

He cannot battle everything. I know that my kids are not perfect. I know that they have things that they need to work on and I know that I have things as a parent to work on. I just hope that it doesn’t come between us again. My kids are my number one priority, just as the girls are his. I just get scared when he gets like that. I know that he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he will decide again that I am not worth all that comes with me.

I didn’t get much of my school stuff done this weekend, but I don’t have to meet KD everyday so that will give me a little more time this week to work on it. I need to get a routine going.

I am tired. I am frustrated. I am feeling overwhelmed. Speaking of overwhelmed, it is time to go meet KD and give him #1 so he can take her to school.

Another try…

Well, what can I say? Some times, no matter how hard we try, life gets in the way. No matter what we want in life, no matter how good something feels, it seems like the odds will always be against you. This is how I am feeling today.

Alex and A1 came over for dinner last night. They even stayed the night. Alex was uncomfortable on the couch and in my bed, but he stayed. It meant a lot to me that they both made the effort. He woke up with a headache and, in turn, very little patience.

#1 decided to get mad at me because I asked her to do dishes after breakfast this morning. Then she had a melt down. Alex and A1 left. Then my fantabulous day really began. Everyone served time outs. #3 stayed home from karate because after three (3) hours of being in his room, he still had not cleaned out from under his bed. #1 stayed home to supervise. #1 cleaned the kitchen, helped #4 with their room, vacuumed their room, helped #2 clean behind the couch and cleaned the upstairs bathroom. #2 cleaned the downstairs bathroom, cleaned behind the couch, and cleaned the kitchen floor. #3 spent all afternoon in his room “cleaning under the bed.” #4 cleaned her room.

I feel like I am drowning and don’t know which way is up. I am running out of consequences. None seem to be effective. I just want some help. Someone to help me figure out what to do with my children.

I am afraid of what the week after next will look like. I hate that KD can randomly decide to exercise his residential time after he has not been doing it for over five months. I just wish that Pat would have listened to me back in August when I told him this would happen. Now, I have to let them go over them for a week, but not all of them. I can’t even pretend to enjoy the time they are gone because I will still have #1.

I know that I keep saying that I will be the mean mom, and I intend to. I just feel so lost. Yes, I know that I need more follow through. Yes, I know that I need more consequences that work. Yes, I know that I need to reestablish that I am boss. I just don’t know how and I feel like it is all a losing battle.

I did my best to leave Alex alone after he left today. First of all, it was just him and A1 today. Second, I need to leave the ball in his court after we have a rough episode. I need to realize that sometimes he just needs some space, but let him know that I am still here.

Hate is a Powerful Word

Hate is a word that I remember being chastised for using when I was younger. As a parent, I tell them that hate is a bad word and they can say strongly dislike instead. However, I think that I have come to a point in my life that I can honestly say that I hate KD. Yes, I know that I have said this a time or two, especially lately. This is no ordinary hate, this is gut-wrenching, blood-boiling, death-wishing hate. If he was just making me miserable, that would be one thing, but he is also hurting the seven people closest to me.

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Unleash Momma Bear. I lost it on the attorney today. Apparently KD’s mom’s “unavailability” has ended and they will begin exercising their entire week of residential time now (remember that this only applies to the three youngest). I lost it. They will keep this up just long enough to screw up daycare and then they will become “unavailable” again and I will be scrambling to make things works again. I flipped out on the attorney. I told him that this is exactly why I wanted to amend the temporary court orders to show that I had them except every other weekend. He started to say something about how legally KD can begin exercising his time. No? Really? I told him that I was married to that man for 11 years, I know how he operates, he is only doing this to be difficult. Oh, did I mention that in addition to this, KD is planning on using a different daycare during his weeks? Oh, yeah, that makes sense to do to a four year old who has only been in this one daycare. Let’s completely f*** up her world.

Of course after all of this, I called Alex because I wanted to see if there was any way that I could see him tonight. I needed a hug from him, I needed him to calm me down. The kids started arguing and I could almost hear the switch when Alex began to shut back down.

Now, not only is KD messing with our kids just so he can make my life difficult, he is also trying to mess with any chance I have at being happy. I sent Alex a couple of texts apologizing for ruining his evening and putting him in a bad mood. I also told him that he is right, KD will never leave me alone and I do not blame him for wanting to take what is most important to him and running in the opposite direction.

Just when this week was starting to look up for us. We have been texting at night and through the day. We have been honest with each other. All of the things that we have both been holding back, we have been sharing with each other. It has almost been like the old days. There was one of the nights that I told him all the things that I wanted to scream at him, if I had a safe place to yell and scream at him. Yesterday, he even asked me out on a date this weekend. He told me that he cannot promise me anything still, but he is here and he is trying. That means the world to me.

I believe that he can do anything that he puts his mind to. He is an amazing man and I appreciate that he has believed in me. I appreciate that he has stood by me as long as he has. I wish that I could protect him and the girls from KD as much as I wish I could protect my kids from KD. Unfortunately, I cannot protect any of them.

I wish that KD would just drop off the face of the earth. I wish that there was something more that I could do.

At this point, I would not blame Alex for cancelling our plans this weekend. I can say that if he does not cancel, I will be turning off my phone until it is time to call the kids on Sunday night. I am going to work tomorrow. If KD texts me this weekend, I will be ignoring it.

I just want to catch a break.

In preparation for the possible date this weekend, I took a nice moisturizing bath (powdered milk, honey, grape seed oil, coconut oil, and baking soda) and shaved. I have been feeling itchy from dry skin for like a week now and I cannot tell you the last time I shaved my legs. My skin is still a little itchy, but it is not quite as bad. I figure that I will take another one tomorrow night after the kids leave. I am also planning on cleaning my room. I am scheduled to work on Saturday morning to cover for another agent that needed the time off.

Oh, I have my car back!

I’m Fine…

How do you let go? I don’t want to, but I don’t think I am going to have a choice. I just don’t know how to let go when he is what I want. He has goals, he works toward those goals, he aspires to do better, he inspires me to do better, he is thoughtful, he loves his girls with all his heart, he has a job, my kids respect him, he has shown me things I never knew possible, I have learned that I matter (although not feeling it at the moment), he has taught me that I deserve better, he listens to me (so much that he remembers things I forget), and I can’t have him. I know I should be thankful for the time that I have had with him, but some part of me thought it would never end. I want to be in the girls’ lives, but how can I be around him and not with him? What if he meets someone else? I am so confused, hurt, angry, scared, hopeless, lost, anxious, sad, helpless…alone…

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I guess this is where we say, “I’m fine.” (How are you?)

Now more than ever, I just want to escape life. This is another one of those days I wish that KD wasn’t such a dick so that he could have the kids so I could run away from home. I don’t even want to be me right now. I didn’t realize how much I was getting used to the schedule we had. The break I was getting. I don’t get that anymore. I always have #1 and it is starting to drive me crazy.

I love my kids, but I don’t know what to do with them anymore. I feel so helpless with them. I used to have the kids that people would compliment on in public. I used to know that my kids would be the best behaved. I don’t know when it all came crashing down and I lost those kids. I didn’t even see it coming.

I just want to be loved as the package I am. I want someone who will help me figure out what to do when I am lost. I want someone to turn to when I feel helpless and the situation in front of me seems so hopeless. I want someone in my life that can wrap his arms around me and make me feel like nothing else matters because it will all be okay. Alex used to do that for me. When he is fully here, he still does. Like last Thursday night when he came over after he got out of class. I felt like there was nothing that could go wrong. How was I supposed to know that it would all come crashing down around me within a couple days? I just want to go back to when I knew that everything would be okay if I could just get into his arms. Who am I kidding? I still believe that.

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I remember the day I signed my leave of absence papers in November of 2011. I was scared, but I knew that I could get through the day if I could just get a hug from him. He is still the first person I want to talk to when something goes wrong. He is still the first person I want to share good news with. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to talk to at night. I don’t want to let go.

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I know my kids are a lot to handle for anyone, even me. I know he needs to do what is best for him and the girls. Maybe one day down the road life will give us a better chance…

Well, I better do homework so that I can go to bed. I have a feeling it is going to be a long night.

It’s all okay….ish

Last night was a little better, but it still was tense. Hubby had dinner mostly made when I got off work, but I surely was not wanting to cuddle up to him.

Then, he got mad at me because I was trying to go to bed at 8:19 last night. So what? I have been exhausted, but that does not matter because he is like that everyday. I am tired of feeling guilty because I can sleep. It is not my fault that he cannot sleep. What am I supposed to do about it?

What I really need to do is call the doctor about taking a depression test. I am sure that is part of my problem. I am sure that is part of Hubby’s problem too.

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I have decided that I am going to back to pretending everything is okay. It is so much easier. CC does not want to hear about it. Alex has enough issues of his own. So, I just need to pretend its all okay.

Ten days later and no change

Ten days later and I wish I could say that things are better at our house, but sadly, I can not. We have been fighting constantly. When we aren’t fighting, we aren’t speaking. I just don’t know what to do. Nothing I do is right anymore. I just wish…I don’t even know what to say in my prayers anymore. I know I said some hurtful things to him today, but some of it needed to be said. No, I probably did not say it nicely, but he seems to think that I should take his criticism no matter how he says it. Why can’t I criticize him? Oh yeah, cuz he’s perfect. He went to bed at like 8, and I really don’t care. I just know that I don’t deserve to be treated like that.

September 20, 2010

Dear God:

I feel so lost. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Hubby and I just don’t get along anymore. I feel so alone so much of the time. I have no friends. I have no life outside of school and the kids. Outside of finances, I know I could do it alone. I don’t want to, but… I just really don’t want to fight so much. I am tired of being blamed for everything. It is not my fault Ted is always at our house. He is not my friend.