He still thinks we can save the house. Is he stupid? There is nothing we can do. There is no where else to turn.
The next time I hear someone complain about their finances or their job, I am going to scream. I am losing my house and I have to sit here and listen to you complain that you don’t know where your almost $8000 a month salary goes? I am trying to get a business off the ground because I couldn’t find a job and I have to listen to you complain that you only got 5% back from your 10% pay cut? Really?!? Just quit complaining. At least your bills are paid. At least you don’t have to explain to your kids why you have to move. What am I going to do?? All I feel like doing is crying. All the time. Oh and screaming. It’s not helping. Now I have a headache too.
Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.
“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.
“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.
“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.
“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.
Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.
I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.
Today is Friday. To most moms, that means a possibility that they will get at least one day to sleep in. Not at my house. If I don’t make #2 sleep in my room, he will wake up with the sun and wake up #1 & #3. In turn, I get woken up because the waking of #1 & #3 usually consists of someone screaming. To me, Friday also means two days of trying to keep my kids busy, without spending money.
Who cares if it is Friday? I couldn’t tell you the last time my husband and I had a real date. You see, he doesn’t trust anyone to be in our house to babysit and that leaves MIL & FIL. They hardly ever take them all at once. Even for major things like our birthdays and anniversay. This is because they never had a babysitter, we shouldn’t need one. Seriously?!? My marriage isn’t perfect and sometimes I jsut need to work on it! I guess it doesn’t really matter, I wouldn’t have the money to go out even if she did take them. I don’t know how, but when I finish losing this weight, I will be going out. Dressing up, dinner, drinks, my husband, and some friends (not that we really have any, but that is a whole different post…)!
I should be doing homework. Instead, I am waiting for my husband to get out of bed so that we can go to a couple of garage sales before we have to re-enroll our children for school next year. Oh, and I need to write our paychecks and do the personal checkbook. Should also do the laundry that is piling up because my energy and motivation seem to have taken a vacation without me. I really wish they would quit that!!
Just when I thought business was going to pick up, it started snowing two days in a row. Wow. I don’t know what I did to piss off Mother Nature, but I’m sorry!
On the bright side, I gave four estimated today and have a job booked for next week. It’s a start. Now, I just need to get a truck and trailer so I don’t have to use the minivan anymore.
There is my little tangent on the weather. Now, back to life. I don’t mean to complain because I know we all have problems and mine could be worse. However, just because we all have them and they aren’t as bad as they could be, doesn’t mean I have to pretend they don’t exist. I am a mom, wife, daughter, student, friend, granddaughter, daughter-in-law, business owner, neighbor, you get the point.
Sometimes, I just want to complain because sometimes it makes me feel better to get it all out. I don’t want anyone to think I’m not grateful that my problems aren’t worse. I don’t want any advice. I just want to get it all out. That is my version of stress management.
Speaking of stress management…my eating has gotten out of control again. That would be fine if I would exercise to make up for it, but I just don’t feel like it. I haven’t felt like I’ve gotten near enough sleep lately and I just want to eat. I need to get my motivation back so that I cam get back into my goal dress. The dress actually seems to taunt me. My husband thought it might help keep me motivated if it was hanging in our kitchen. So there it hangs in the corner. Laughing at me.
I apologize to you for the lack of order and possibly coherency tonight. I have just been writing what comes to my mind. Like the fact that this week seems to have escaped me completely. I have three chapters I need to read and take notes on before 8 am Saturday, in addition to study guide questions. I am way behind on laundry and I exercised once this week.
My daughter has a 9 am appointment tomorrow and then I am home. Doing laundry and homework. The children will probably watch a movie or two. I will also make them nap for a few. Oh I will definitely be making them work on practice work because they cannot afford to completely take the week off.
Well, I better go to bed so that I am not completely wiped tomorrow. Good night!