Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

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God, Its Me Again…

Sometimes, I wonder if God is even there. I have been raised to believe that he is, but then I wonder why I feel so alone. It seems that so many things I ask for, I get the opposite of.

“God Please help my husband’s back and shoulder to heal.” Instead, it has gotten worse and no one can or will do anything about it.

“God, Please don’t let me lose my house.” Well, the bank won’t take a partial payment. That’s about $5000 more than I have.

“God, Please let my marriage work out.” Pretty sure this prayer is failing too. Today, I told my husband I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t even like him half the time.

“God, Please help business pick up for us.” Today, we lost our biggest property. And it has done nothing but rain most of the week.

Is God even there? I am beginning to understand why people become Atheists. No expectations, no pain. I am a big doubter. Why shouldn’t I be? Every time my life begins to look up, I get crapped on. Not just a little bit either.

I just don’t know how to handle it anymore. The one thing that used to save me was to pray. Why should I pray? No one is listening anyways.

Bedtime Prayer

Dear God,

Thank you for the blessings I have. I know I do not thank you enough. Usually, I am too busy complaining. However, it is in these stressful times I need to remember the blessings I do have. My children are healthy. My husband loves me. I am blessed with a great family (by birth and by marriage). I am healthy.

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I am trying my hardest to make it through this difficult time and I know you are here with me. I am sorry that I forget sometimes.

We are your faithful servants and know your will be done. Just please help us and keep us safe through the difficult times ahead.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen

You can pick your nose…

Sometimes, we are born with great families.

Sometimes, we are raised by great families.

Sometimes, we marry into great families.

Sometimes, we are blessed to have great friends that become our family.

When we were in school, we convinced everyone we were sisters. We have definitely had our rough spots. But we always know the other one is there somewhere. I thank God for all he has given me in you.

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The sky is falling…

As if things couldn’t get any worse, we got a notice of default taped to our house today. Unfortunately, it was my inlaws that drove by and told me there was papers taped to the house. “Looks like you’re getting evicted.” Little did she know, that is exactly what it was. I have 30 days to come up with almost $8,000. I can come up with $4500 for sure. Hopefully that will appease them for now.

I feel comfortable sharing this with you because there is only one person that knows my true identity and she promised not to say anything or criticize me for what she reads. God bless her for that silence.

I know all the criticisms that could come from this post. Trust me, I have already said them to myself.

My prayer for tonight:
Dear God,
Please watch over my family and me during this rough time. Help us to come up with a plan to keep our home. I do not want to lose my home.
Please, Lord, help our business take off so that we can make it.
Please grant my son the peace he needs to get through life and us the peace and guidance to give him what he needs. Amen

I should be…

I should be sleeping. I caught rhe virus #4 has, but so did Hubby. That means, it doesn’t matter how I feel.

I should be doing laundry, but I don’t want to.

I should be doing homework, but I’m not.

I should have some fun family activity planned for tomorrow, but I don’t know how everyone will be feeling.

I should have Easter gifts for Sunday, but I don’t think they should get gifts because Easter is not about them. Easter is about Jesus raising from the dead, just like he promised.

I should have a genius idea for Easter brunch, but I ordered the ham.

The “I shoulds” will kill us if we let them. Sometimes, we need to forget about what we think we “should” be doing and enjoy life. When was the last time you saw a headstone that said “He never had and ‘shoulds’ because he always did.” They usually say “Loving___________” Fill in the blank with a relationship. We tend to forget about the things that really matter. Our relationships.

Tonight, we watched the ACM Girl’s Night Out special. It was nice to hear some of those songs. More importantly, it created conversation with my husband. I love that man. I may not always like him, but I know he will always be there for me. No matter what.

This afternoon, #1 leaned on my shoulder just because she loves me. I know it won’t be long before she is grown up and out of the house. I need to enjoy her more. I need to enjoy them all more.

Sometimes I am so worried about the things I think are important that I forget the things (and people) that ARE important.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins. He rose from the dead because He loved us before we even existed. If only we could take the time to show our own family and friends that same type of sacrificial love.

Happy Easter!!

February 24, 2008

**Alert: This is the old me. This post does reference sex, or the lack of in my marriage.**

God:

Please help me be the role model that Heather needs. Help me to be the wife and mother that you want me to be. Please let Hubby get this job. Show me your will as far as us having another child. Thank you for my wonderful husband. I know I do not show him the appreciation that he deserves. I want to work on that and being more intimate with him. Thank you Lord for the many blessings you have given me and continue to give me everyday. You are my Lord and Savior and I thank you for that.

Dear Hubby:
I love you more than you will ever know. I appreciate all you do for our family. I know I do not tell you enough how much I appreciate you. I miss what we once had, but we are not who we once were. Therefore, we must produce something better. I am willing to work at it if you are. I want to implement a date night once every week, even if it is just an hour together after the kids go to bed.