Tired, scared, and frustrated

Nativity

Nativity (Photo credit: RyaTur)

As a Christian, I should love Christmas. This is the day we are supposed to celebrate the birth of our Lord. I used to like Christmas. Family, being together, baked goods, all of it. Then I became an adult. Christmas sucks. I hate the pressure. I hate not caring what is on my kids’ Christmas lists because I know I can’t get any of it. I hate hearing about what other people are getting people for Christmas. I hate hearing about everyone’s plans. My Christmases used to be big family ordeals, no matter which parent I was with. Now, I’m alone. The kids are supposed to be with KD, but I haven’t heard anything yet about what is planned. Shocking. If I have the kids, it will jsut be the five of us and our pathetic Christmas. If I don’t have them, I will be with Alex and the girls. Hopefully, it either way, it won’t be a day like the rest of my days have been. Long, lonely, and disappointing. I have been refusing to decorate and I will continue to refuse unless I find out that KD is bailing on the kids, then I will be trying to make up for his failures, again.

I am so scared that I am going to turn around and Alex will be gone. I hear women at work ask their friends, “What’s wrong with me?” when they go through a break-up. I don’t have to ask. I know what is wrong with me. I’m not sure I would want to date me. I have 4 kids who have no respect for anyone; I have an ex-husband that causes more drama than its worth; I can’t hardly support myself; I am needy; I am negative; I am a hopeless romantic; I want to be independent, but I want to be cared for… If I came across a guy with the baggage I have, I would run. Why deal with all the drama in my life if you don’t have to? If I could run from it, some days I think I would. Other days, I remember that one day I will look back and be able to say that I am a better person because of what I have endured. I just wish I could catch a break.

I am scared that when Alex and the girls come over this weekend, it will fail and then the three of them will see the five of us as a lost cause. I am already losing A1. I don’t want to lose them all, but I want for them to be happy. I hate seeing them unhappy. I hate not being able to live up to their needs, wants, and expectations.

I am scared about this car situation. I don’t know what I am going to do about it. It would be so much easier if the kids were in public school, or if their dad wasn’t a fucktard. But I guess if he wasn’t one, he wouldn’t be my ex-husband.

I am tired. I haven’t been sleeping well for a while now and I don’t know what to do about it.

I am frustrated with KD’s lack of communication and cooperation. Why can’t he see that by trying to make life difficult on me, he is hurting the kids? Why is everyone letting him get away with this crap??

I just want to close my eyes and when I open them…respectful children, KD being cooperative, Alex loving and my baggage (because it makes me who I am), family that cares, friends, a car that runs, the ability to work full-time…

My day will come. When it does I will stand up and tell all who have doubted me (including myself) that I did it in spite of them. I will be happy one day.

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Can’t I just be someone else?

"The Last Supper" - museum copy of M...

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As I type, I have the Ten Commandments in shortened form taped up around my house (#2 had a test on them today). Number ten is “You shall not covet.” Another thing to be guilty about….

I love my husband and children. I get reminded fairly often that I could have it worse. I am just tired of getting settled into things going well and then having something blow up. I woke up tired. I couldn’t even take a ten minute shower without hearing “mom” about 20 times (yes, that may be a little exaggerated, but not by many). #4 had a physical therapy appoint ment and a doctor appointment. She finished her antibiotics about 3 days ago and now she has croup (with 3 days of an oral steroid).

Things started going well. I exchanged my jeans for a smaller size (from an 18 in January to a 16, but almost small enough for a 14!!) Enjoyed a walk around the mall with #4 and a visit with an old friend. Then, the bank called. They want more proof of my self-employment income for the truck loan. I gave them all I have. We have had the truck for almost a week and now we might not even get to keep it. How embarassing would that be?

The older three kids had choir and went the Maundy Thursday service with my MIL.

Then, my instructor called. I was supposed to call and talk to a professional for a presentation I have to do. The guy was on vacation when I called so I left a message. Luckily I told him who’s class it was for because I did not leave my phone number. Wow, that was embarassing.

On a more positve note, our business seems to be picking up. We have gotten a few more calls and have a bigger job to do next week. I would have scheduled it for this week, but between #4’s appointments today and the older three getting out of school at 11:30 for Good Friday

This week has not been my favorite. On Tuesday, Husband decided that I needed to take the van to school instead of the truck. All well and good, but a) I was already late and b) the van was between his work truck and our new truck in a difficult position to back out of. He got pissed because I asked him to back it out for me. Seriously?? I had dinner made, the kids fed, kids’ homework done, and dishes (his chore) done for him when he got home (from a 3 hour shift, yes he only works 15 hours a week). He knew I was mad. By the time I got home, he had done 3 loads of laundry (my chore).

I know this had a little bit of everything in it tonight. I am sorry for the rambling, but sometimes I just need to type what is on my mind.