Ramblings

I have so much I want to type, but I have no idea where to start. I know that Alex once told me to just start typing and even if it isn’t coherent, it will all come out.

20130303-182320.jpgAs far as the situation with #2, I called the police, they will not be doing anything, but did suggest I call CPS. I also called our local community organization that handles this type of thing. I called CPS. We switched up bedrooms so that #2 is on the main floor. The social worker wants A1 and A2 to stay with GM for now. She also wants us to make sure that if #2 is around any of the kids, they are in lie of sight. She gave us a door alarm to put on his bedroom door at night so that he cannot leave his room at night without us knowing. She told me that we are doing everything that she would suggest. I don’t know how many times I heard that the situation is normal for his age. That doesn’t make it ok.

I don’t know what will ever ease GM’s mind about A1 and A2 coming home. I don’t know how long the social worker will want the A1 and A2 to not be home with us. This is something I have never dealt with.

#2 is staying with my mom for the week. This way A1 and A2 can come home for twpid-images.pnghe week. I don’t know what we will do after that. Someone suggested that I look into a group home for him. Yes, that gets him out of the house, but what additional problems will it cause? While I am in school he will attend the Boys and Girls Club so that he is not at home with the other kids.

20130217-215016.jpgI don’t know how long Alex will handle A1 and A2 not coming home on a regular basis before he gives up on us. What then? At times, I can’t even handle to think about the wedding being in 83 days because I don’t even know if we will make it that long. I know he loves me and I love him, but we both know that love is not always enough.

I am scared. What if he does give up? I can’t afford a place big enough for the five 20130414-092216.jpgof us, especially not giving #2 his own room. I gave up on my housing so I can’t apply for help with that. I do not get near enough student loans to support us. I would probably have to leave school. I hate this. I don’t know what to do anymore.

20140102-083304.jpgI feel like whole world is exploding around me. I feel like I am 20131208-225406.jpgjust a viewer in my own life. I am tired. I am back to taking my medicine every night before bed and still feel like I am not getting any sleep. I am worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t concentrate on class, my reading, or much of anything else today. I feel like I don’t know much of anything right now. Tears well up at the drop of a hat today. 20130317-194810.jpg

I love Alex. I love our kids. I am just scared.Again, I feel like I have no control over my life and no idea what is ahead of me. 20130404-223859.jpg

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Tired

I am thankful for the last two nights that I got to have Alex. It was almost like it used to be, only we still had #1. I know I should be thankful for tonight too, but at the moment I can’t say I am. As I was tucking her in, A1 told me that she doesn’t want me to come over Friday because it is GM’s birthday. She apparently thinks me being here will make her miss GM more. Then, as I was tucking in A2, she told me that I was supposed to sleep on the couch because Alex and I “aren’t dating anymore.” If I would have known I was sleeping on the couch, I would have stayed home. Everyone in this apartment is asleep, except me. I only wish. I can’t get comfortable, I gave #1 the better pillow. Me sleeping on the couch didn’t even cross my mind. Thought we were past that again, but I forgot that in their minds we aren’t dating anymore. If we aren’t dating, what are we?

I’m tired. In so many ways. I want to rest. I know I have to go through the shit to get to the good stuff, but c’mon. Don’t I deserve consistent good for at least a while? I’m tired of the fight with KD, with the kids, with Alex, with work, with myself.

Come beside me, hold my hand, don’t let go. I’m not asking you to fight my battles, I’m asking you to stand by me and support me. Alex does this most if the time (like when I was nervous this morning before my campus visit at Gonzaga), but sometimes I can feel the switch flip.

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Update: it is 1130 and I can’t sleep. I just want to scream!!! Like I haven’t been having enough issues staying awake at work. Why me? What did I ever do for the universe to constantly shit on me?

Just start typing…

Told Alex that I feel like I should be able to sit here and type a big long blog post, but all I was doing was staring at the blank screen. He told me to just start typing. Now, I don’t know what else to type. I am still staring at a blank screen with loads on my mind and heart. Sometimes, I type without thinking and it doesn’t come out right; sometimes it sounds right to me, but it is interpreted wrong. I don’t type my feelings to make anyone feel bad or feel guilty; I type to get it off my chest and help myself try to get some rest.

I got a text from Alex yesterday morning that A2 was asking for me first thing in the morning. She had her mom and her dad, but she wanted me. My original plan was to stop by the hospital on my way home from work, but #2 had been coughing so much on Monday night that we stayed home all day. So, #4 and I went up to see A2 at the hospital. She was doing well, but it was obvious that she was exhausted. I stayed as long as I could keep #4 mellow and then headed home. When Alex and A2 were on the way home, they called me because A2 wanted to talk to me. Alex thanked me for coming up, but told me that he needed to talk to me about it later. Of course, this sent my mind on a mental hunt for everything that I said and did while up at the hospital that might have upset one of them. Finally, I laid down for a little while because I was exhausted. When Alex finally did text me, he told me that GM had been a little upset because A2 was crying for me first thing in the morning while GM was sitting right next to her. As a mom, I am sorry because I have an idea of how I would feel; selfishly, I smiled to know that she wanted me. Alex told me last night that she was asking for me again.

I decided to take #2 to the doctor to have his cough looked at and they said it was post nasal drip and prescribed Sudafed and Flonase to clear his nose up, hopefully before an infection begins. He was awake crying because he couldn’t stop coughing long enough to fall asleep until after midnight last night.

Told Alex that I would take A1 to the babysitter for him on my way to work this morning. Went to work. Messaged with Alex a few times. When I asked him to give her a kiss for me, he told me that she was pouting because I was not there, but when I did get there I would have to leave to get my kids. That broke my heart. I stopped by there after work and she was in great spirits.

Then, I warned her that I had about 30 minutes left before I had to leave. Shortly after that, she started to get pouty. She ran off to her room. I followed her and asked her what was wrong and she told me that she wanted her mommy. I was okay with that. Then she went into wanting me there and asking why I couldn’t have just one kid. I told her how much I love her and A1. She got mad and told me that I loved my kids more, but I tried to explain to her that I love her and A1 just as much as I love my own kids and I consider the two of them as part of my kids. It was taking all my effort not to start crying. Alex came in and sat and she told him that she doesn’t get to see me enough and my eyes started to tear up. Alex went out and I sat with her for a little longer. During that time, she told me how much she wanted me to be at the doctor with her the whole time, but I had only stayed for “ten minutes.” Then, it was time for me to leave so I grabbed Alex for her. As I was putting on my shoes I heard her crying to him that she didn’t want me to leave and she wished I didn’t have any kids so they could have me all the time. I stood there and cried. I went in and gave her one last hug and told her that I would stop by tomorrow and Friday after work to see her. Alex told her we would try to do something this weekend too. I got out the front door and lost it. I bawled like a baby for like five minutes. I love them and it feels like I am hurting them so much by being around. I hate to see them so upset. All I could think was that I’m not enough for any of my six kids. My own kids tell me I don’t spend enough time with them, but I am apparently not spending enough time with the other two either. What, then, am I doing with all my time? I wish I knew.

#3 and #4 are showered and in bed. #1 and #2 are watching a movie. I think now that I have finished this post, I am going to climb into my bed and play on my phone until I pass out in my bed.

Nerves…

Sitting at the computer, finishing my cup of coffee, and trying to mentally prepare myself for this motion hearing today. When I filed the motion, I thought it would be simple. I should have known better. In KD’s response, he is asking to go from our shared custody to full custody when school starts. I know that there is no basis for this, but it still scares the crap out of me. I just cannot imagine my kids having to be with him more than they already are. When we started this, I had every intention of sharing custody. However, as this continues, I have decided that it is time to talk to all of the professionals involved and go for full custody. My children have said too many things to me that make me worry about them every single time I drop them off with him.

I love Alex and I want to be able to talk to him about this, but I know all of my court crap and KD stress him out. Last night, I would have really liked to have been able to sit and talk to him about it all, but every time I started to talk about it, it seemed like he clammed up and tried to change the subject. I know that having all the kids together this weekend was overwhelming for him, but I just fear that he is going to decide that me and my kids are too much for him. I just hope he realizes that no matter what he decides, I will always be here for him. I will always be here for A1 and A2 also. They need a woman in their lives that cares.

A2 almost broke my heart more than once this weekend. One of the times, she was cuddling with me and she told me that GM never cuddles with her because they don’t ever have time. It broke my heart because of how sad it made her. It broke my heart because I remember those feelings all too well. It also broke my heart because I am afraid that my kids feel the same way about me. I am so busy trying to make sure that they aren’t fighting over who’s turn it is to cuddle me that sometimes it is just easier not to cuddle with anyone. The other time that she almost broke my heart, she was cuddling with me and my hands were clsped on her tummy. I went to move them and she squeezed them back around her. I asked if she was afraid I was going to leave and she said yes. I told her that I am not going anywhere and I won’t let anything happen to her anymore than her mommy or daddy would.

I can honestly say that I have fallen in love with these girls and their daddy. I love the way that my kids look up to him, listen to him, and respect him. I also love the fact that #1 and #2 do not hide in their shells around him. They feel comfortable enough to be themselves around him and I love that.

Well, I guess I better down this coffee and go brush my teeth so that I can go down to the court house and argue that KD is being dumb about all of this. Wish me luck. I will be sure to let you know how it goes…

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Where do we stand?

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I know I should be sleeping, but sleep is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I feel so lost. The divorce is taking its toll on me again. Life is taking its toll on me again. I feel so alone so much of the time. I wish I was seeing the counselor on a regular basis still. At least when I was meeting with her once a week, I felt like I was getting some of it out. I am glad that Alex and I will be seeing her this week. I think it will be good for each of us individually, and hopefully as a couple too.

Tonight was really hard for me. I feel like things are going well between us and then we get towards the end of our off weeks and things start to take a turn and I feel so confused. I am glad he tells me how he is feeling. It is better than shutting me out. However, I wish he would actually talk to me. There are times that I am not sure what to say to him.

I want him to be happy. If that means with someone else, then so be it. If we have to split for him to be happy, I want it to be in a way that we can still be friends because having him as my friend is better than not having him at all. Besides, when the time were to come when he did find someone, I plan on making sure that she keeps her eyes open to how lucky she is.

I remember one day when he had gotten in a fight with his now (officially) ex-wife while he was still living at home. We talked on the phone and he was crying. I started to cry as I was telling him that one day he would find a girl who felt lucky to have him because any girl would be lucky to be with him. Then I told him that as his friend, I would be the to kick her a** if she didn’t realize how lucky she was. I know I am lucky. I feel it every single day.

I am also scared for so many reasons and about so many things. I am afraid of doing to my kids what my mom did to me. I do not want them to get attached to a guy just for us to split and break the their hearts. I am afraid of getting my heart broken, I don’t know if I could trust again. I don’t want to be alone forever. Realistically, I am a single mom of 4 kids with a crap job. I can barely support me and mine. Who is going to want to come into that.

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I guess, in the long run, I can’t say I blame Alex for not being sure about me. I’m not even sure about me sometimes.

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I guess since it is 2:30 am here, I should go to bed. At least in my dreams, we are a normal couple who gets together with all the kids…