Rants from a bored mom

I am tired. I am scared. I am frustrated. My life feels like it is spinning out of control and there is nothing I can do about it. It’s not like there is one thing I can change and everything will be better.

Last night, Alex went to talk to A1, A2, and GM. A1 has no desire to be at our house at all. She doesn’t even want to be there for #1’s birthday dinner on Saturday or #4’s baptism on Sunday. #2 wanted to come over tonight and hang out tomorrow for a bit, if things went ok, she would stay the night so she could go to the baptism (because even though we made sure she knew about this important event, GM made plans to leave for the lake until Monday). Then, Alex got a call from A2 this morning. Now she does not want to come over tonight and doesn’t know about tomorrow. Just now he tells me that both girls might be there tomorrow at about 11. I am so sick and tired of the back and forth with those two girls. It’s not like it is just this situation either. They are always like that.

When Alex talked to me about the conversation at GM’s house, I lost it. I know there is nothing I can do to change things, and that scares me. I know he loves me. I know that he wants our family, but how long will he want me there when me and mine are what is standing between him and his girls?

Alex has been so far away from me the last couple of days. Has made a few references to me leaving him. He will make some comment and when I ask what because either I didn’t hear it or I didn’t understand, I get a “nothing.” It frustrates me and pisses me off every single time. I was there for him through one of the worst times of his life. I left law school so he could be home. I cared for his every need. If I didn’t leave then, I am not going to leave now. I tried life without him, I did not like it. I feel him shutting down on me again and it scares me. I am so scared I am going to lose him.

#4’s meeting with the pastor was on Wednesday. KD didn’t show. I don’t know why I was surprised, he didn’t contact her for her birthday on Tuesday (and neither did his parents. For that matter, outside of our house no one called her except my dad). When he texted the kids on Wednesday, he didn’t even say anything about her birthday. #1 keeps making excuses for him. He told her that he will be at #4’s baptism on Sunday, we shall see. I hope then she realizes how little he cares. Sunday is such a big day for #4. I was hoping it would be a whole family event, so was she, but I can’t do anything about that. I don’t know if KD will be there, I don’t know if his parents will be there, my mom said she probably wouldn’t make it, my aunt said she thinks she will be able to bring Grandma, M&R (a couple from Alex’s work that we have grown very close to) are coming. Other than that? I will make this a big deal for her, just like I did for the other three. I chose her life verse from Philemon 1:7 (MSG version). I will stand up there like the proud momma that I am and show her that no matter what, Mommy will always be there for her.

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All the while, I have been trying to find a venue for the reception. I think we were both thinking it would be at home in the back yard. Then I thought, oh it is in October, back yard probably won’t work. So, in an effort to keep it as inexpensive as possible, I have called every place I can possibly think of. Have a list going of venues, possible guests, and a possible invitation. So, in spite of all of this I still have hope that we will make it to our wedding and be by his side forever.

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“My next 30 years”

I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years…
Cry a little less, laugh a little more…
My next thirty years will be the best years of my life…
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear…
In my next thirty years—Tim McGraw

This song has been ringing in my head for the last week or two. On Friday, I turned 30. I have no problem with 30 because I have earned every single day of it. I have been through more than some people have been in their entire lives, but it has made me who I am today. For the most part, I am happy with who I am today. Like everyone, I have my faults; overall, I am happy with me. However, I definitely have plans to make my next 30 years better than the first 30.

This week definitely ended on a better note than it started. I didn’t hear from Alex much on Wednesday during the day, but I went out there after KD picked up the three kids. I asked #1 if it was okay with her first. I helped the girls with their showers, got snuggles, and tucked them in. I sat in their “reading chair” next to Alex’s desk while he did homework. When I was about ready to leave, Alex was headed to bed so I decided to lay down with him for a few minutes. An hour later, he woke me up to tell me I should go home. He doesn’t even remember waking up, he said that having me next to him when he went to sleep helped him fall right asleep.

I had Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and today off work. On Thursday, I was woken up by a phone call from my dad’s house at 5:50 a.m. and my first thought was that it wasn’t my birthday yet. I answered it and my step mom was on the phone telling me that my grandpa had two strokes and was in the hospital. Not the best way to start five days off. I got up, went to school to take my last couple of tests before my final and then went to Alex’s to do laundry and homework. He came home early and brought A2 home with him. I was excited because she likes to snuggle. Picked up my kids and went home to celebrate my birthday with them (parenting plan gives us each the night before our birthday at 6:00 p.m. to the night of our birthday at 6:00 p.m.). #1 was trying to put together a birthday party for me, but no one was able to show up. It is okay because it was still wonderful. #2 made most of dinner by himself and then we had cake and ice cream. I registered for the LSAT in October! Alex came over after class so he could help me ring in my birthday. A couple of times before midnight, he said he needed to go, but he did not leave until after midnight. Then I went to bed, but not without grabbing #4 and bringing her to bed with me for some birthday snuggles.

Got my ritualistic early morning phone call from Dad to tell me Happy Birthday, but this year it was at 2:45 a.m. That is early, even for him. Usually he waits until at least 4:00 a.m. my time, but he hears about it if he doesn’t call me in the morning because my birthday usually goes down the tubes when he doesn’t. He was at the airport, waiting to board a plane to my grandparents because of Grandpa’s strokes (he’s okay, no lasting effects). Took the kids to daycare and went to take all three finals back to back. When I was done, I picked up #1 from home and we went to pick up A1 and A2 for lunch. Gave them the option of going back to the babysitter’s house or just having Alex pick them up from my house after work. They chose to come home with us, even after I told them that they would have to put up with all the kids.

Alex came and got the girls to take them to his best friend’s house because they were having a sleep over. When he showed up, he had a birthday card for me from him and the girls (the only card I got this year) that told me I’m the greatest. KD and his mother picked up all four of our kids and I was headed to my car with a backpack before they even left the parking lot. Met Alex at his friend’s house and then followed him home. As I pulled into Alex’s parking lot, I realized I had gotten a text from KD. Forty (40!) minutes after he picked up the kids for the weekend, he texts me that his mother may be unavailable from 7:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. the next day. I ignored the text and turned my phone off. It was my 30th birthday, his weekend (the only 37 hours he sees his oldest every two weeks), Father’s Day weekend, I had plans, and he was NOT going to ruin them. Alex took me to dinner at this cute little restaurant that we had been to once before. It was nice. We talked. He told me how he misses me, how he misses having me next to him when he goes to sleep, how easy he fell asleep Wednesday night with me snuggled up to him. We held hands across the table like everything was right in our world and it was perfect. We went back to his place and cuddled into bed to watch TV together and I fell right to sleep in his arms.

On Saturday morning, I got up before he left for class. Having nothing planned until I had to pick up the girls from his friend’s at about 12:30, I sat for about 3 hours and read a third of a book; no music was on, no TV was on, no kids were talking to me, not a single thing seemed to exist except for me and my book. It has been a long time since I have done that. Then, I went and picked up A1 and A2 to go Father’s Day shopping. I took them to GM’s class because they were really missing her. Then, we went for lunch and playing at McDonald’s (oh goody). Finally, Father’s Day shopping, but they knew what they wanted to get him so that was easy. Gift, gift bag, card for Alex, and a card for Alex’s grandpa…done. On the way back to Alex’s, I had a genius idea and we stopped at a Walgreen’s to print some wallet size pictures for his new wallet. We picked out a picture of the three of them before Alex’s graduation and one of the two girls together. A1 wanted to print one of each of them with me, but A2 said that might make her sad when she is going through Dad’s wallet. So, we printed one of each of them by themselves and I printed this out:

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We went swimming and A1 and I had a talk because she looked a little down. Everything that she brought up, I tried to help her feel better about. GM showed up to see them and Alex invited her to go to dinner with the four of us for my birthday. He told me that she wanted to make sure it was okay with me. Of course it was. I don’t mind her now that we realize that the other is not the enemy. Actually, it is nice sometimes. We all went to dinner and parted ways. Alex, the girls and I went back to Alex’s (girls decided they really didn’t want me to leave, even though it was their Father’s Day time) and GM went home. We watched a movie and then went to bed (me in Alex’s, with A2’s permission).

The plan was that on Sunday Alex and the girls were going to go to his grandparent’s for brunch and I was going to hang out and read more of my book. A2 really wanted me to go with them so Alex had her call his grandparents and ask. Brunch was nice; his grandparents are so sweet and have accepted me so well. Then, we went to GM’s to drop off the girls and I planned to stay in the car (she still lives in their old house, can you say awkward?), but was asked to come into the house. While we were there, GM had me try on her old motorcycle jacket because it is too big for her. Alex and I went back to his place and watched a movie. Then, we got on the bike and went for a nice ride. I told him he was a brat for taking me from scared to death to get on it to anticipating the next time I get to go with him. The evening was peaceful.

This morning, I picked up the kids from KD, took #1 home, and took the other three to daycare. I was not feeling all that great and figured that I would rest at Alex’s for a few hours and pick them up early. On my way back, he texted me that A2 might be there with us for the day because her tummy hurt and she just wanted to rest. She and I were lying down in Alex’s bed and I asked her where it hurt and she pointed to the right side. UHOH, that was where A1 said it hurt at Thanksgiving. I told Alex and he checked her out. He and GM decided to watch it for a bit. She drank lots of fluids and finally took a little nap, but was asking to go to the doctor so Alex showered so he could take her to urgent care. She said she wanted me to go to the doctor with her and telling her that I couldn’t because I had to go get my kids almost killed me. Alex kept in touch with me through the evening. Sure enough, it was her appendix. It was removed and she is doing well.

Alex told me that GM ran to their homes while A2 was in surgery to get stuff for them. I just told him that he has a nice ex and I am jealous of him for that. I am jealous of her too; I guess some part of me always will be because I know how much he will always love her and that same part fears that she will realize what she had and they will make things right between them. I hope she realizes how lucky she is that he is the way he is. I know he can be a jerk sometimes, but he does what he thinks is truly in the best interests of his girls.

The internet is down at Alex’s and I took him his modem and router back this weekend. So, I have typed this whole post in Microsoft Word and will turn on the personal hot spot on my phone to post it. Typing in Word has made me realize how long winded I can really be; this is almost three pages without the picture.

#1’s grades came in the mail this weekend. She got one F, a C, and the rest were A’s and B’s. I texted KD to see if he had received it and see what he wants to do about her mission trip this summer. No response…some surprise. I will just call my attorney and discuss it with him along with the other things that we need to discuss. Like figuring out what is up with #2 and finding them a counselor that they all trust…imagine that.

Back to work tomorrow. Friday is our meeting with CPS and then they are planning on pulling out since it is all being handled by the family court now. We will see how that all goes. Well, it is after 10:00 p.m. and it has been a long day; I was exhausted when I woke up and now I am beyond exhaustion. Besides, I think I just heard the wind knock something over upstairs, we are having quite the thunderstorm.

Good Night World!

This is what it looks like right now

So…met up with Alex last Thursday night. When I first got there, I didn’t know how to act. I ordered a drink to relax myself a little, sat on my hands next to Alex. At some point, he reached for my hand. He played with the blank place where my ring had been. Eventually, he reached for my right hand and tried to take the ring off, but it was stuck on my knuckle. I took it off and moved it for him. He reminded me that he loves me more than once. As we were leaving, we were good “friends” and each went to our own homes.

Friday night things were “normal” for the four of us (me, him, A1, and A2). Both girls told me that I could sleep in his room. The girls and I had a good day on Saturday.

Alex told me that since we couldn’t do anything for my birthday, we would celebrate it that night. He asked what I wanted to do for dinner and I told him that I wanted Mexican. He ended up driving me to the place that we went for our first date. It was so sweet.

We spent Sunday doing absolutely nothing. We watched movies on Netflix all day. We went for burgers for dinner (they were YUMMY!).

Then on Monday, I had to go back to reality. Dealing with the kids and KD bright and early. #1 went on her three-day field trip and it was just me and the younger three until this afternoon. For the most part, it was problem-free. Oh, there was some pestering, but nothing major. Then, #1 came home. I love her, but her attitude has just got to go. She seems like she is mad at the world and it worries me. I am wondering if she should be tested for depression. I wish she would talk to her counselor.

Next weekend is my big 3-0 birthday. Friday night, dinner with Alex, GM, A1, and A2. Then, a weekend of nothing. School will be over because I have finals on Friday. The kids will be with KD because it is his weekend and Father’s Day. Alex will be with the girls because it is Father’s Day weekend and the girls requested that it be just the three of them. So…another fabulous birthday planned. It is okay. Maybe it will be nice weather and I can sit at a park somewhere and read a book, or go to the lake and read. Just go do nothing. I do have both Thursday and Friday off paid. Have two tests on Thursday morning and three finals on Friday (my actual birthday), have the kids until 6:15 on Friday night, dinner with the girls, and ???

I did buy myself two new dresses as an early birthday present to myself yesterday. A friend of mine is more than likely going to do my tattoo this weekend, as my birthday present. This will be my first one. I want to combine the balloon that says “Sometimes you have to let things go” with the arrow (has to be pulled back to go forward).

Wore one of my new dresses today and sent Alex a picture of it. His response was “I see something is still in the right spot ;)” I smiled. It is interesting to me that we both say that it is just a graduation present, but the placement of it is still so important to both of us.

Well, it is almost 11 and I have been enjoying my reading before bed like I used to. I am caught up on homework and don’t have anything due until Friday night at midnight.

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Why?

Why does he have to make things so dang difficult? Our temporary orders do not separate out holidays or birthdays. Therefore, KD does not have to let me see #4 tomorrow on her 3rd birthday and I do not have to let him see #3 next Sunday for his 8th birthday. I proposed that I pick the children up for 3 hours tomorrow for #4’s birthday and that I give them to him 12 hours early for #3’s birthday. I have been trying to figure this out for over a month now. KD just responded that I can pick them up on Sunday evening at 7 and then I can give them to him at 7 on the following Sunday. This gives him time on #4’s birthday, but does not give me time on #3’s birthday. l told him and explained my reason. Now, I wait. It should not be this difficult. We should be able to work these things out simply. I am trying to work with him, but he keeps being so difficult and it frustrates me so much.